Chapter 28: Perspective
Six months later
"I can't do it, please don't make me do it," I plead, burying my face in my hands.
"Bella," he responds soothingly, "you know I'll never make you do anything. You are a free person now." He emphasizes the word free, the way he always does. And I do know. Tom never pushes me, he merely advices. But I have gotten so used to trust in his judgement, I just don't want him to be right this time.
I sigh, "Can't you for once just say what I want to hear?"
He chuckles at that. I've asked this question before and he simply answered that I should take an imaginary counselor if that's what I'm looking for.
"I already agreed with you on the funeral thing. It might have been an ideal way to find some closure, but I understood that it came too soon. I also allowed you to distance yourself from cleaning out your parental house and selling it. Which might have helped you in facing the demons, made you realize that it was just a house."
"I will get closure when the new owners will tear it apart," I state, knowing it's not what he meant. He needs me to tear the memories apart, not the actual bricks that hold them.
He continues, ignoring my remark, "but this time it's different. First because if you don't show up, they'll keep pestering you about this inheritance and other legal stuff. And second, because it's been five months now. You're doing so well with everything else. You have a steady relationship, a nice place to call your home, and a respectable income. You won't get any stronger than this, so now's as good a time as any to face some of this stuff."
"But that's just it," I say, looking up into his eyes, "I've got so much more to lose now. It took me months after the championship to find my footing again. I'm so scared of losing this balance."
Tom nods thoughtfully. Now that I'm being completely honest, more words spill out, about subjects I've managed to avoid the last couple of months. "And I'm not that strong. I mean, yeah, those things you list are nice, but I still have nightmares, and I still haven't had sex with Jacob."
"Sex is more than…"
"Yes," I interrupt him, "I know, sex is more than intercourse, but still, I thought I'd be there by now. I just want this all to be gone. And not like getting over this ever so slowly, I just need it to be gone completely. Not in the future, but now. I want to be normal."
Two tears escape my eyes, but Tom doesn't relent.
"Exactly, that is why I say now is as good a time as any."
Again I sigh, defeated.
Two weeks later, I walk out of the secretary's office. I've just spent half the morning flying here and I can't wait to be heading home again. Since I didn't know how long this meeting would take, I booked a late night flight back, but I plan on heading towards the airport anyway hoping for an earlier flight. I probably should have stopped by the Black family, like Jacob suggested when kissing me goodbye this morning, but I'm not ready to face that alone. With a pang of regret again I wish Jacob was with me, but I straighten my shoulders and scold myself for being so weak. It was just a simple meeting. The secretary had read many boring papers and then translated some of it into human language. The debts of my parents have been paid off by selling the house and I ended up with a few thousand dollars. The amount of money Jacob makes in a week. This thought crosses my mind as I step out of the building when suddenly I freeze in my tracks. The man standing right in front of me seems shell shocked as well and we stare at each other as time stands still. This was the last face I expected to see, and I hadn't thought I'd recognize him after all these years. His shock slowly turns into something different, a pained expression, a desperate glint in his eyes. "Bella…" he pleads, but I don't know what he means. I don't remember him this way, something isn't right.
"Edward…" I manage, my eyes darting past him, looking for a way to escape. I try to shift to the side as I focus on two people talking on the sidewalk. Witnesses. Witnesses are good.
"Bella," Edward says again, readying to say something else, when I take a tentative step sideways. His arm lifts towards my wrist, to keep me there, but my eyes flash in anger and I scramble backwards. At this the pained expression strengthens and he drops his hand.
"Can we talk? Bella, please…"
Ten minutes later I'm sitting in the coffee shop around the corner, staring out at the street.
I should have just turned around, I think to myself. Should have said something. I hate how I just stood there, completely mute, ready to run like a scared little prey. After all the angry letters I wrote him. After all the times I promised myself he couldn't get to me anymore. But then he did. His eyes did. The pure anguish held me captive and made me nod. He had an appointment with the same secretary, to discuss the same inheritance, and we agreed to meet here afterwards. Of course now, I'm having serious second thoughts. What on earth could Edward have to say to me? I try to suppress flashes, memories. Edward grinning when dad caressed my thighs, Edward bending over me and raping me relentlessly, his breath making me sick. The memory feels so fresh I can almost smell the alcohol in his breath. The only thing keeping me from leaving this coffee shop right now is Tom's voice in the back of my mind, saying now is as good a time as any.
I'm awoken from my thoughts when suddenly Edward appears by my side, looking surprised to find me here. "You waited."
Again I simply nod and he sits down, placing a hot coffee in front of me. I carefully push it aside, eyeing it with suspicion.
Hesitantly, I look up, wanting to get this over with, but somehow I'm still unable to form a sentence. Even my mind is blank.
I can't seem to remember any of the letters I wrote, with long lists of "things to say to Edward if I were to see him again."
On top of that, I'm still startled by the pain in his eyes. Suddenly I wonder if it's the loss of our parents that has him grieving so much. I wonder if I'm supposed to give him my condolences now.
He cuts off my thoughts by blurting out, "I'm so…" he swallows audibly, "how are you doing?"
My eyes widen.
"I really don't feel like small talk, Edward," I say exasperated.
"No, I don't mean small talk either, I really want to know. I mean, you look great, but I won't assume that you're doing great, considering…" he trails off.
"Considering what? Mom and dad dying? I couldn't care less about that," I say in a cold tone.
"No, I know. I guess that's fair. Me neither," Edward mumbles. This surprises me. I refrain from asking about him. Instead I say "considering what then?"
"Considering everything. Bella, I am so, so sorry. I cannot even begin to…"
At this he breaks down into sobs, alienating me even more and making me looking around the coffee shop, completely embarrassed. Fortunately, nobody seems to be watching us, so I bring my attention back towards him.
"Sorry for what?" I ask carefully.
He lifts his head, surprised, unbelieving. "Don't you remember?" he whispers, and suddenly I realize what he means. He's apologizing for the things he did, for my past.
I gasp and he nods.
"I know this doesn't change a thing. I am well aware that nothing I can do or say will ever make it right. All the horrible…" he takes a deep breath and shakes his head. My heart rate speeds up, utterly shocked. This was the last thing I had expected.
Before I get a chance to respond, he continues, "and I don't expect you to forgive me, not now, not ever. That's not why I'm telling you this now."
"Then why?" I whisper, my cold mask slowly crumbling.
"I don't really know," he says, with a quiet sob, "I just… I needed to know. I've been trying to find you for years, I even asked mom after not talking to her for five years, but she had no idea either. I guess you had every right to want to stay hidden. But I just… Jeezes." His hands move through his messy hair. I don't think I've ever seen him looking so lost, and in a way, it's reassuring. He doesn't seem threatening anymore. I'm beginning to see what Tom meant.
He chuckles about his own nervous clumsiness, "If I had known I'd run into you, I'd know what to say. I've had this conversation in my mind a thousand times before, and now I'm just… stuttering."
"I know what you mean," I agree with a sad smile.
He looks up at me and nods, "I can imagine. There are probably a million things you'd like to say to me. And I'd probably deserve them all. But Bella, I still need you to know that I'm so, so sorry. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what I did, and desperately wish to take it back. I would honestly give my life to turn back time."
He looks at me with smoldering eyes, and I have no choice but to believe him. He continues in a softer voice, "I'd give my life right now if it would make things even the slightest bit easier for you. God knows I've tried."
"You've tried what?" I ask confused.
"To take my life," Edward explains.
I know now that even if I had all my letters right here with me, they'd be useless. Somehow I expected Edward to still be this superior and smug bully, who needed to truly understand what he had done. But this person right in front of me is anything but superior, and he seems to understand just fine.
Which is a good thing I guess. Because somewhere in the back of my mind, there was always this question if Edward was out there, raping someone else. If my silence was allowing more girls to be victimized.
And suddenly I want answers.
"Were there more?" I ask.
"What?" he asks confused, new tears staining his cheeks.
"More girls," I explain, trying to keep my voice even, "or was it just me?"
Edward looks down again and mutters in deep shame, "just you."
I nod relieved. And then another question pops up, a question that fills several letters I wrote.
"Why?"
"I'm sorry…" he murmurs again, but it's not enough. I really do need answers now.
"Why did you do it, Edward? We used to be a team, we used to be united, and then you turned on me. On top of the hurt, I felt so betrayed…"
At this I start to cry as well.
"I don't know what to say, Bella, I was a coward. I wanted his approval, he constantly brought me down and I was desperate for his love and affection. I know it's not an excuse, but that's the only explanation I've got. And I was jealous. The way he looked at you. Sometimes…"
He stops and shakes his head, but I wait patiently for him to go on. Reluctantly he continues, "Sometimes I felt betrayed as well, because of how close you were with him. I know it wasn't your choice, but underneath it all, he adored you in a way he never adored me. And you did as well. I was always on the sidelines. Until he started beating me. I couldn't do anything right, until…"
"Until you started abusing me," I state.
"Yes," he whispers, a flash of pain making him grimace.
None of the things he says justify what he did, but it still makes him human, which again reassures me.
"He was a monster," I say.
"So was I, Bella," Edward looks up at me, daring me to deny it, "I know that. My many therapists and my ex-wife have tried to make me see I was just a victim as well. That I was young, too young to resist such powerful manipulation. But I know it's bullshit. How many kids out there take the abuse to protect a sibling from getting beaten? I have worked in shelters in an attempt to gain some redemption, and I can tell you that these kids can take so much and never turn on someone else. Especially not someone they love. Only the lowest coward would…"
These are exactly the words I wanted to say to him. I needed him to see what a coward he was, and how he should have been a big brother, taking beatings so I would stay clear, instead of joining the monster. But now I have this broken man before me, broken to the same extent as I have been damaged, things aren't as simple anymore. There is no black or white, he's not either a good brother or a monstrous coward. He was a human child, just like me. And he made the wrong choice. For which he's still paying as we speak. Again Tom's voice pops into my head. These are all the things Tom tried to make me see. He's been trying for me to see Edward differently, and I have been accusing him for defending the bastard. When all he wanted to do was give me a different perspective. Obviously mine was biased.
I can tell that my silence is torturing Edward even more, but I can't give him forgiveness. I probably never will. The only thing I can offer is maybe a little bit perspective. He shouldn't have to pay for all eternity.
"I'm working things out in therapy," I offered.
"Yeah?" he sniffed, looking up through wet lashes again, "how is that going?"
A flash of hope moves over his face. The hope that he didn't break his little sister beyond repair.
I consider my answer. There has been damage that will never heal, but most of that was inflicted by my dad. I had hoped that Edward would protect me, but in the end, it wasn't his job. It was mom and dad's job to protect me, and they had failed. Edward was just a messed up and abused kid, lashing out at the world.
"I'm getting there," I nod.
A small smile plays over his face.
"And your suffering is pointless to me," I add, as an attempt to release him. He leans back as if I slapped him right in the face, and I quickly try to explain myself, "I mean, I don't need you to suffer just so I can feel better. I understand now that we both have issues to deal with. I still don't understand how you could do what you did, but I no longer need revenge. It's in the past, it's being dealt with, and you can move on."
He snorts and I look at him questioningly.
"Move on?" He shakes his head. "Believe me, I'm not having all these regrets just so you could feel better. I am well aware that nothing I do or say can make that right. It's me who needs to live with the memories. I'm sure the memories are bad for you, but trust me, they are bad for me as well. There is no cure for guilt. To know I'm capable of doing such things, to the one person in this world that I loved. No amount of therapy will ever work me through this."
His devastation is getting to me and I don't know what to say, but when he looks up, he's suddenly angry. "Oh no, don't you dare, don't you dare feel sorry for me! You'd only make the guilt so much worse! Please Bella, just… hate me, okay?"
Violent sobs wreck his body, and I still don't know what to do.
"I don't feel sorry for you," I lie, "I guess I understand better now. I'm gaining perspective. So I suppose I'm glad we talked. My therapist will be pleased," I add while rolling my eyes.
Edward snorts again, through the sobs, and agrees, "yeah, mine too."
"I can't hate you either," I confess, "I spent too many years of my life hating too many people. Often for the wrong reasons as well. So I'm done with that. Before I ran into you, I think I made myself believe I was indifferent. But I realize now that I'm not there yet."
"I'm sorry if me being here brought back stuff," Edward murmurs, "if I had known the secretary would plan these meetings…"
"It's fine," I interrupt him, "like I said, I'm glad we talked."
"Do you think maybe…." Edward starts, but he doesn't finish his question. I don't know the answer either.
"Let me think about it."
"Sure," he nods, while scribbling down his email address on a napkin. "Will you please let me know, either way? Even if you get home and regret not yelling and screaming at me, I'd still want to know."
Something tells me he will be checking his email daily, and I have a feeling I won't let him down, but I still remain quiet, still needing time to recover.
I have plenty of time to think during the long flight home. Again Tom's words enter my mind. I'm stronger than I ever was before. He's right. Instead of being the sobbing mess, I think I handled this unexpected encounter pretty well. If I had ran into Edward a year ago, things would have been different. I probably would have attacked him in a blind fury, blind to the hurt person who stood before me today. Right now, I no longer suffer such dark and overwhelming emotions. There is still the sadness to work through, but I'm done with anger.
It opened my eyes greatly. And maybe, in helping Edward get some perspective, I might help myself as well.
AN: Again, I'm sorry about the delay. Finally getting settled in the new house and finding some time to write again. I promise I haven't abandoned the story. In fact, we're nearing the end, so stick with me :) What do you think about this surprising twist? Since I'm close to wrapping up the story, I'd also like to know which parts of their future you would like to see still... Please share!
