AN: I am so, so, so, so, so sorry for the lack of updates on this and my other story. I've been incredibly busy and haven't had enough time to sit down and write until now. But since I had enough time briefly, here's an update for all my loyal readers who I love so much. I hope you haven't left me! I wouldn't blame you if you did. I'll try and update ASAP! I promise. Cold Hard Facts will be updated ASAP as well, but I'm kind of stuck on that one so this one might be updated before that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. Read and review! (Please forgive all grammar and spelling errors. I was trying to get this up quickly before I went to bed.)
He thought of her as they passed the coffee stand on the Yale campus. But then again, he thought of her almost constantly. When he closed his eyes, he could still taste her lips and smell her sweet scent. If he concentrated hard enough, he could almost feel her wrapped up tightly in his arms.
It had been a month since he last saw her or talked to her. The night she broke up with him he drank himself into a stupor and had to be reminded of a lot the next day. But that was just what he wanted. Then again, he could still remember the sad, purposeful look in her blue eyes. He could still see the tears he had caused building up behind them. And more than anything, he was sure that the feeling of losing her would never leave him, not for a second.
He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath, willing the thought of her to leave him for just an instant. When he opened them again, Stephanie was looking at him with an expression mixed with sympathy and exasperation.
"Seriously, Logan, just find yourself a blond and screw her already. Hell, I'll volunteer if it'll bring my best friend back," she offered him a sad smile and linked her arm with his.
"I think I'll pass, Steph," he replied, forcing a small smirk, "But thanks."
"Logan..."
"Stephanie, I'll get over it in time. It's just hard, okay? She was the first girl I ever..." he trailed off.
She glanced up at him and raised an eyebrow, "Ever what?"
"Ever..." he paused, coughed, "Nothing."
"Logan."
"It's nothing, Steph," he took a step backwards, distancing himself, "I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Logan, come on, ever what?"
"I told you, nothing. She's the first girl I ever really dated. That's all," he lied, "Bye."
He walked away from her, mentally kicking himself for almost admitting to Stephanie that he loved Rory. Saying those words out loud would just make the fact that he lost her all the more painful. Nobody could ever know the depth of the feelings he had for her, especially Rory. And now that he lost her, it was time for him to start moving away from them. Maybe Stephanie was right; maybe he did need to find a pretty blond to spend the evening with. She would have to be a pretty, but not beautiful, stupid blond with no talent for conversation and no ways to make his knees week from under him. In order to get his mind off of Rory, she would have to be everything the other girl wasn't.
But then again, he knew that even that probably wasn't enough. Rory was everywhere even when she was nowhere near him. He knew that every time Colin or Finn left the room when they had a phone call that Rory was on the other end. He knew that when Stephanie glanced at her phone call and then hit ignore that Rory was waiting to gain his friend's forgiveness. He tried to convince Stephanie to patch up things with Rory, but it was no use. When Stephanie put her mind to being angry with someone, nobody was going to stop her.
He sighed and took a turn towards The Pub. It was six at night and he was in desperate need of a drink. Now. He hadn't been carded since he stepped on campus, although he had a fake id just in case. The Pub had been a frequent escape for him and the constant memories of Rory that day had taken a toll on him. He woke up to Colin's phone ringing and heard her name echo through the room. Later that day, Finn burst in with some story to tell, only to stop short when he saw Logan sitting on the couch. Add that on to Stephanie's urging him to move on and Logan was ready to lose his mind.
He walked into the bar, sat down on an empty stool, and told the bar tender to bring a beer and keep them coming. He watched the people around him, particularly the couples, and he wondered how they got it all to work out for them. Maybe the guy didn't move away, and maybe the girl was a little more trusting and a little less insecure. Maybe the met at the absolutely perfect time instead of the absolute worst time. Maybe that was Rory and his problem. If they just would have met later in life, maybe when they were both in college and she had moved on more from her bad relationships. Maybe then they could have had what Logan thought they were meant to have. They could have had love, love that wasn't one sided, he supposed.
The bartender slid a beer across to him and he gulped half of it down, hoping to drown the memories of her away for the night. He didn't do this every night, but sometimes he just needed to forget her. Tonight was one of those nights, one of those nights were he could feel the tears pressing behind his eyes and he could see the memories running over and over again in his head.
"Hey Huntz."
Logan glanced up a the sound of Colin saying his name, "Hey."
"How's it going?"
Logan knew there was more to that question then the normal 'how's it going?' a friend asked another. He glanced over at Colin, took another long drink of his beer, and gave his friend a half smile.
"Alright."
"Mhmm," Colin rolled his eyes at the blond as he waved to the bartender to bring him a beer, "Tell me another one."
"I don't know what you want me to tell you, Colin."
"Tell me the truth."
Logan blinked, "What's the truth?"
"That you're not alright, that you miss her."
"Not being alright isn't going to bring her back to me. Yeah, I miss her. I miss her more than anything. But you know what? I'm not so sure I'd take her back even if she was standing here begging me to right now."
"What?"
"She doesn't trust me, Colin. I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me and I can't be with someone who has it in her head that the only thing I'm going to do is hurt her," he paused and took another drink, "The girl that broke up with me is not the girl I dated. She's not the same girl I fel– she's just not the same girl."
"But she is. She's just confused and she has--"
"A horrible past, I know," Logan couldn't keep the venom out of his words, "But I wasn't the past, Colin, I was the present and she couldn't accept that. If she couldn't trust me, if she couldn't be with me, then she shouldn't have dated me in the first place."
"She wanted to be with y--"
"If all you're going to do is sit there and defend her then I don't need to stay here and listen. You can talk to the bartender, okay?"
"Logan," Colin said, his voice calm, "You know that I think she messed up. You know that. But she's sorry that she hurt you, and she misses having you around--"
"How unfortunate for her," Logan interrupted, his anger rising, "I miss having her around too, Colin, but she made that choice, not me."
"I know," he grew quieter, "I'm sorry."
Logan sighed. He knew that Colin just wanted their group of friends back. He knew that his friend missed the relationships he shared with Rory, Logan, and the two of them combined. And even though Logan understood that it was hard on Colin, and Finn as well, to balance the two friendships, he couldn't help the anger that boiled within him whenever either one showed the slightest defense for Rory. As far as he was concerned, all the guilt was on her shoulders. Sure, he added fuel to the fire with his vicious comments, but their relationship was already gone at that point. He was just making sure he got a word in.
"I'm going to take a walk. I'll catch you back at the room."
Without waiting for a reply, Logan stood and walked out. He just needed some fresh air, some time away from people wanting to talk to him about Rory. He didn't want to talk about Rory anymore. He wanted to move on with his life. More than ever before, he seriously considered Stephanie's half joking advice. Maybe a new girl was the answer; maybe she would steer his mind away from Rory, even for just a little while.
Suddenly, in the aftermath of the conversation with Colin, his old ways were calling to him. Who was this person he had become? Logan Huntzberger didn't sit around and think about girls from his past. He moved on. It didn't matter if the girl was a one night stand or the girl who he happened to love; moving on was the answer. Why did it take Colin standing up for Rory to make him see? She couldn't handle a relationship with him, so he wasn't going to sit around waiting for her.
She wasn't coming back.
Never had the thought entered his mind so plainly, so bluntly before, and he had to stop and concentrate on breathing for a moment before he could think back on it again.
She wasn't coming back.
He could think about the memories forever. He could remember the first time he kissed her, knowing he wanted to be with her, and begging her to give him a chance, but it wouldn't change anything. He could look back all he wanted kissing her in the crowded hallway, pulling her out of school to go sled riding, New Years and her gentle concern for him after he disappeared, but he was never going to get those moments back. And even if he sat down for hours and remembered rousing her from her sleep after their fight and assuring her that they were okay, it wouldn't make everything okay now.
He would try and remember her fondly, but it was time to let her go. She missed him and he missed her, but the words that were spoken between them were too harsh to be smoothed over. They weren't meant to be in a relationship, and they were no longer meant to be friends.
It was time. It was time for him to morph back into who he originally was. He tried being a one girl kind of guy, and it brought him nothing but heartbreak. Maybe not caring too much about people was the key, after all. Stephanie and he had it right all along.
With a new found determination, he turned around and walked back to The Pub. He saw Colin, now joined by Finn, on the same bar stools, but he ignored them. Not caring if they saw him or not, he walked to the opposite side of The Pub, and ordered another beer.
He downed several more and lost count of how many in what he was sure was record time. He then set his eyes on a gorgeous, raven haired girl watching him from a few tables away. Digging deep, he found the Logan Huntzberger smirk, picked up a full mug of beer, and headed towards her.
She watched him with deep brown eyes until he was standing before her. He could tell, even in his intoxicated state, that she was just as drunk as he was. She smiled and reached up, lacing her fingers around his collar, and pulled him down in the chair next to him. He held up a finger to her, downed his beer in a few gulps, and then reached for her. He saw her smile, and then he pressed his lips to hers, working the magic he reserved for strangers that he assumed long forgotten. He kissed her passionately on the lips as if she was the last woman left on earth and then he trailed gentle kisses down her neck and onto her collar bone. She sighed with pleasure, and as his hands worked softly up the back of her shirt, a soft groan escaped her lips. He smiled, his lips pressed to her neck, and brought them back up to her lips again. As their tongues dueled, he felt lust take a hold of him and he pulled the girl to her feet.
She could barely keep her hands off of him as they left The Pub and walked back out on campus.
"Your place," he whispered in her ear.
She giggled softly, "Anywhere."
He laughed and stopped her, pulling her into his arms for what should have been a mind blowing kiss. It might have blown her mind, but for him it was still only lust, still only make believe passion. That didn't stop him from following her to her dorm that night.
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He woke up the next morning in a familiar position: next to a girl he didn't know. He'd been like this since late in his sophomore year of high school. Before that, there had just been the kissing, the cheating, the one time nights. Now, there was this. At boarding school, the one night stands had just escalated. This he was used to; this he couldn't handle. It was Rory, it was the relationships, that he couldn't handle.
She was passed out next to him, her long, black away strewn across her face. Slowly, he slipped out of the bed and pulled on his clothes. They smelled of alcohol and smoke from the bar, and an flowery perfume that belonged to the no name next to him. He stood looking down at her, and an unfamiliar emotion took over him for a moment: guilt. But then he remembered that this girl wasn't Rory, she wasn't anything like Rory, and she wasn't expecting anything more from him then what she got that night. He couldn't help it, he smiled a little as he walked towards the door, opened it slowly, and left.
Once outside, he pulled out his cellphone and dialed Stephanie's number.
"Logan?" Stephanie's groggy voice answered, "You're up early. Is something wrong?"
"I took your advice," he replied, "Only she had black hair."
"What?" he could almost see her smiling, "I wasn't good enough for you?"
"Oh Steph, with you I'd like to actually remember," he joked, causing her to laugh.
"Well, Logan, creepy as this phone call is, I'm glad to hear you've attempted to move on. Let me know how the attempt goes later on, when you're thinking clearly and I'm like, you know, awake."
He chuckled, but his mood dampened, "Sleep tight, Stephanie."
"Shut up."
He closed his phone and began walking towards his dorm, hoping to sleep off his massive hangover without any questioning from Colin or Finn first. But as he walked, he thought of Rory. He didn't want to, but she crept into his mind. He guessed somewhere in his sub conscience he had been hoping that one night would be enough. He hoped he would be able to push her from his thoughts from just the touch of another girl. But he guessed he was inexperienced in love. One night wasn't enough. Would a million nights be enough?
That girl, that night, everything that happened meant nothing to him. She was nothing but a diversion, an attempt to get his mind off of the girl he left behind. Or rather, the girl that left him behind. Now, the day after, the distraction was gone. But it was during, between the alcohol and the thrill of fake passion, that he was able to push Rory from his mind for the smallest amount of time. But when he woke up the next morning, mind clear and a girl who wasn't her beside him, he knew that she would somehow be a part of him forever.
A flash of hatred surged through him. He had wanted nothing more than to help Rory, to be the one to pull her out of her shell and show her that all guys weren't bad, and somehow he ended up accused of crimes he would never commit, not against her. It was a strange cycle, and it taught him that meaningless one night stands were more satisfying than lost love could ever be.
Was the pain afterwards worth the elation during?
He wasn't sure. He didn't think so.
He rubbed his eyes and opened the door to his room. It was eerily quiet for rooming with Colin and Finn, and he welcomed the nonjudgmental silence. Because he knew, even if they wouldn't say anything or admit it, Colin and Finn wouldn't approve of Logan's return to his past. They loved Rory like a sister, and even if they felt the same sibling love towards him, a part of them would always think of Rory as under Logan's protection. It was just one more thing for the two of them to hide from their female best friend. But honestly, Logan wasn't so sure if he cared if she knew. Let her know. It was what she predicted of him all along, right? Logan understood that Colin and Finn were holding out for Logan to prove Rory wrong, but proving her wrong wasn't an option; he could never do that, her mind was already made up. So, he gave in to the future predicted for him and decided to just let it be. What difference did it make, anyway?
None.
