Chapter 27: Don't leave
Edward
She loved me? Bella loved me?
I must have misunderstood something. Anything. Because there was no way Bella had just told – or well, yelled – at my mother that she loved me. My mind just couldn't grasp that.
But when she turned around and looked me in the eyes, I knew I had heard right. She loved me.
Bella looked as if she was caught red handed, but along with the angst, there was a glint of expectation in her eyes as well…expectation for me to answer her unexpected declaration.
"How long have you been listening?" she whispered once my mother had left us alone, her voice barely audible over the soft rustle of the trees and other plants around my house.
"Long enough," I confessed, hoping that she wouldn't hate me for eavesdropping. I had never meant to hear the conversation between my mother and Bella. I had just wanted to ask my mom where she had put the box of cereals because I had wanted some breakfast.
But when I had heard Bella yelling and my mother uttering my name in response, I hadn't been able to move anymore. I couldn't go back inside, nor could I make my presence known. I had been frozen in place, unable to tune the voices out, leaving me in a sort of awkward situation now.
Luckily, Bella didn't seem to be mad that I had heard everything, but for a moment she seemed pensive about it. Her eyes were suddenly directed toward the ground, and her fingers were fumbling with the rim of her sweater. It took me a while to realize that she was nervous. Of course she would be. She had just confessed to loving someone and right now, I was leaving her without an answer.
But could I tell her? Could I really tell her what I have been suspecting for a while now?
I had already come to a point where I was able to admit to myself that I, as well, loved her. But was it something I should tell her? My heart screamed at me to tell her, to just say it and see what would happen, but my brain was telling me to step back and just let it go because Bella was nowhere near good enough for someone like me. That's what I had been telling myself all along and I still firmly believed it. I would never be good enough for her.
"Edward?" Bella said softly and I thought I saw tears glistening in her eyes. It broke my heart. Seeing Bella sad simply destroyed it into a thousand single pieces.
Before I could register it, she had wrapped her arms around me, clinging to me in such an intimate way that I couldn't keep myself from wrapping my arms around her as well. It felt good though, it sort of felt like coming home.
"Don't leave," she whispered against my chest and I wanted nothing more than to just tell her I would stay and that everything would be okay. But I wasn't stupid. I knew that if I did stay, it wouldn't be okay. It would overcomplicate things. Things that shouldn't be complicated.
"I have to," I said, trying to keep my voice as even as possible but probably failing horribly. At least I didn't seem to fall over my words now, which shocked me for a split second before realization dawned on me. Bella confessing her love had made every wall of safety I had put up along the way tumble to the ground. There was nothing left, not even a little bit of it. I was free of that burden now and god, I loved the feeling.
"I don't want you to," she confessed, still holding onto me and sue me, but I wasn't eager to let go just yet.
"Bella, you have tons of other friends. You'll be fine without me," I said, once again bewildered by the fluent way the words left my mouth.
"I don't need them. I need you." Her voice had gained a bit of strength now, like she knew she would have to fight to get through to me.
"Why me?"
"Because…you're different than everybody else. You don't care about what clothes I wear, whether they're old or cheap. You don't expect me to be some girly girl, while everyone else apparently does. I can be myself around you," she said, her eyes never leaving mine as she spoke. I could feel the honesty behind her words radiating from her.
"You should be yourself around everyone, Bella, you're too beautiful on the inside to let others ruin that part of you," I said forcefully.
"Just don't go, please," she repeated once again, sensing that I had been trying to get her off that topic.
"Bella, you shouldn't care for me," I said, trying to keep my emotions in check because honestly, there was nothing I wanted more than for Bella to care for me. But I just couldn't let her. I couldn't let her ruin her life on someone like me. Someone who was partly broken, possibly unable to ever be restored. I might feel fixed now, around her, but I knew that the second someone else would be around, the stutter would creep its way back to the conversation.
"Too bad then, because I already do," she said, her voice betraying the hurt behind my previous request. She hurriedly swiped the back of her hand over her cheek, brushing away a tear that had won the battle.
"Please don't cry," I whispered pained without thinking, "It breaks my heart."
"Well, if you go, you'll break mine!" she yelled forcefully slightly slapping my chest.
"I don't have a choice, Bella," I sighed.
"Yes!" she yelled, tears now streaming down her beautiful, pale face, "Yes, you do. You can go tell your mom the truth. Tell her that you don't want to go to that stupid school and that even Forks High is too easy for you!"
"It's not that easy."
"You won't even try," she accused me.
"Because it would be all in vain."
"There is nothing wrong with trying," she said, her tear-filled, pleading eyes meeting mine.
"And what if I stay; what happens then? We just move on like nothing happened?" I asked, though I actually never intended for Bella to answer me.
"This happened," she said, gesturing all around her to indicate the moment we were having now, "I can't ignore it."
"Bella, please, we… we can't act on these feelings. We can't. It'll ruin us," I pleaded, but instead of convincing her, I had just confessed to her that I felt something for her. Good job, Edward, really, good job.
"You feel something too?" she asked, a little smile suddenly tugging on her lips, though her eyes were still glassed over.
I remained silent, slapping myself inwardly for making this mistake. Bella took my silence as an agreement of course and I felt like I was in the line of fire then.
"Please, Edward, please don't fight it. Please," she pleaded, "I need you." Those last three words were no louder than a whisper, though the impact of them was so much bigger. She needed me.
She shouldn't.
As I was still trying to grasp the situation, Bella suddenly put herself on her tiptoes, her eyes almost looking straight into mine now that she had a few extra inches of height.
"Don't fight it," she whispered again before softly brushing her lips against mine. The touch was feather light and lasted less than a second but I could feel the electricity pulsate throughout my entire body. It was like magic. No, it was even better. It was heaven.
I didn't even realize that I had been holding my breath until I suddenly had to grasp for air to fill my lungs again. I needed every ounce of physical strength to pull away from her, to let her out of my hold, because there was nothing I wanted more than to wrap myself around her and never leave again. But I had to. I had to leave and I had to give her a chance to really live.
"We don't belong together, Bella," I said, my voice no louder than a whisper. It hurt so badly to utter those words, but I had to. For Bella's sake, I had to.
"Bullshit," she said, but I could see the hurt she was trying to mask lurk around the corner.
"Bella, look at you. You're beautiful, smart and you can have every boy you want. You don't need me."
"I want you," she said forcefully, obviously still not letting me off the leash. It was going to be hard to convince her, hell, I felt like I even had to convince myself again for a moment, but it had to be done.
"I'm a nobody, no one even wants to talk to me," I argued.
"You're everything to me," she uttered, not missing a single beat.
"Bella, please." I was close to pleading again. Pleading for her to let me win this, because I knew that if she didn't give up soon, I would cave in. She had to realize I was only fighting this for her own well being. She had to realize that this was for the best.
"No, Edward, don't do this. Don't push me away! This is even worse than you leaving. They got through to you, they made you believe that you're worthless but you're not. You're amazing and they're just too blind and too stupid to see it." She was yelling now, heavily pointing at me while she was calling me out. I kept shaking my head because I wanted to believe none of it. They didn't get through to me, only she did, on a whole other level.
"It's true, Edward, please! Can't you see it?"
And because I knew that now she had broached this argument, I wouldn't be able to deny things anymore, I used the one thing that I was fairly sure of she would agree to right now to let me go.
"I need time," I said, slowly backing away from her, and back inside my house. I instantly felt my heart clench in my chest and the pain was making it hard to breathe. And it only made me realize the more that I really did need time, because if one thing were true, it was that Bella had fucked with my mind.
A/N: Momma2fan, you know I love you ;)
Love, Ellen
