Chapter 27
Almost as soon as the realisation struck Kim so did the gravity of what she was about to do.
Her hands rose to her mouth as the shock of her own intentions hit her and she slipped from the bed to the ground where she began to walk in circles, still bare from her bath, the cold air not affecting her any longer. It was as though the moment the thought entered her head the little sense of feeling that she had left of body and mind faded and died.
Can I really be thinking of doing this? Can I really be thinking about dying?Taking my life to save theirs?
She stopped walking and swallowed.
Killing myself?
Her heart was racing. She didn't need to put a hand over it to confirm that. She could feel it beating away hard in her chest. The one sign that she was still alive, no matter how dead her mind and her spirit felt. There was a feeling of nausea lurking as she closed her eyes and thought about the implications of what she had realised. She had seen a lot of things that terrified her. Seeing Robin beaten until he as black and blue, watching Keats encroach upon a drugged and helpless Alex, then all the smoke and flame that licked around both familiar faces and those she didn't know – the images chilled and shook her inside.
But they were just visions. Pictures on a TV screen. Images in nightmares. She didn't know if they were real. Not for certain anyway. All she had was her own instinct.
But my instinct hasn't been wrong so far.
She shuddered as her mind replayed everything that she had seen. It made her flinch all over again at the horror of Keats's actions. She felt her breathing quicken as she thought about the evidence; how with each new face in the world Keats had become darker and more corrupt. It made perfect sense that Robin's arrival – not to mention Alex's return – had just about sent him over the edge. Kim also knew that if she arrived on the right side of the line of the law – belonging to Fenchurch East – then the energy Keats received would be more than deadly. It would practically make him a one-man Armageddon.
"But I," she whispered as she lifted her dead watch from the bedside cabinet, "am destined to die."
The knock that sounded at the door made her jump out of her skin and shaking like a leaf she set her watch down again and grabbed the quilt from the bed to wrap carefully around her naked torso. What the hell? Who was that?
"Hello?" she said shakily as she walked to the door.
"DCI Stringer, is it?" a voice asked.
Kim leaned slightly against the door.
"Who's this?" she demanded.
"I'm Michelle, I'm working on the desk tonight," the voice called back, "we had reports of shouting coming from your room. Just wanted to make sure everything was alright."
Kim closed her eyes and turned her back to the door so she could lean against it properly. Her heart was pounding as she said quietly,
"I'm fine. Thank you for asking." She swallowed, "the lights went out. It freaked me a bit, that's all. I'm afraid of the dark." She flinched as she realised that wasn't far from the truth, except that the kind of darkness she had in mind was more permanent than a blackout, "…I'm afraid of the dark," she whispered.
"Well," the voice said a little awkwardly, "as long as everything's alright?"
Kim tried to calm her breathing.
"Yes," she whispered, "everything is fine. Thank you."
She stood there breathing heavily and listening to the footsteps fading away before she opened her eyes and allowed herself to resume her train of thought. It wasn't a train of thought she even wanted to think about but she had no choice.
"He's too powerful," she whispered, "there's no one to challenge him."
She remembered Alex telling her that Simon had been tricked by Keats into working for him at some point after she left that world but that almost instantly he had been demoted so that his rank was not a threat to Keats. Even if she found her way into Fenchurch West there was nothing to say that he wouldn't do the same to her.
"Except," she whispered out loud as she turned to face her reflection in the full-length mirror in the wardrobe door, "that I am stronger than Simon." She stared herself in the eye, "and I can be stronger than you, too," she spat, "Keats."
Hey eyes fell. She said that now, but she knew it hadn't always been the case. All those months she spent at his beck and call, kept in hand by promises, pills and nitrous oxide. She shook her head angrily as she realised how much stronger she was now. In a way that ordeal had made her stronger. Stronger, and colder. All those years when she couldn't feel…. Robin had managed to pull her away from that. He'd showed her how to love, to feel joy, to embrace emotions again. But he was gone. Now all she had left was bitterness and anger.
She was numb. Dead inside.
"Now my body," she whispered, "will simply be in line with my soul."
She swallowed as she thought about the very real consequences that her actions would have. She thought about the people she was leaving behind. Her sons; her beloved boys. The children that she was starved of access to by her poisonous ex-wife. What would they think? As far as they would know she had simply not been able to take Robin's death and killed herself. They'd never understand.
It wasn't as though the thought had never crossed her mind. In the aftermath of losing everything there had been times she had come within a millimetre of pressing a knife into her skin, or tipping out all the pills from a bottle and throwing them down her throat with the rest of her scotch. But she knew what would be waiting on the other side if she gave in so she had fought against it, turning instead into a cold, unfeeling individual. A shell.
Dead inside.
And then there was Julian. Oh god, the brother she had only just come to meet again. There was so much she wanted to tell him, so much she longed to ask. She had seen a glimpse of what it was like to have him in her life and she wanted to get to know the person he had become. She finally had that chance and meeting him felt like fate – how could she deprive herself of that opportunity? How could she take it away from him?
And then her family, estranged as she was… they'd have to cope with losing a daughter. And there was Linda… whatever might have happened between them, at one point they'd had something. And Molly, poor girl – after losing her mother she had become quite attached to Kim. Whether it was the connection with Alex or seeking a mother figure of some kind that her foster mother wasn't quite delivering on Kim wasn't sure but there had been an increasing number of calls and visits.
Or maybe Molly was just worried about her. That was also an option.
He hung her head as she recalled the disjointed call that she'd received from Molly on the way to Manchester; the distress in her voice, talking about something scaring her and some connection to Sam Tyler. Sam bloody Tyler. He was the last person who'd committed suicide to make it to the other world, but in Sam's case it was for a far more positive reason.
Would she even end up on the side she was looking to reach? Just because Keats claimed to have the first pick of suicides didn't mean it was true. He wasn't exactly the most honest soul shed ever met, and there was no way to know for sure.
She could wake up in the other world with her title gone and Keats in could wake up at Fenchurch East and feed Keats enough energy to send him completely over the edge. Maybe she wouldn't even wake up there at all. There were so many variables. The odds were stacked aganst her and yet the idea never left her mind, not even for a second.
The simple fact was that even all the people in the real world who would mourn her combined would not outweigh the love and affection she had for those on the other side; Robin, the love of her life; Simon who'd been her best friend, Alex who – well, she wasn't exactly sure where to class Alex… somewhere along the lines of a combination of the two… but the fact was that the world she had once resented with every fibre of her being now held all the most important people in her life and she knew, she already knew, that she had no other option but to make the ultimate sacrifice. She had to do it, for them.
"I'm coming, Keats," she whispered, "it's time to fuck shit up."
As she spoke the room darkened as the electricity went out again. Despite this, the TV screen lit up with images of flame and through the speakers came a voice that cried, "he's still in there… find him. He's my son –"
She swallowed as she watched the vision flicking between fire and captives, each image more horrid than the last until she screamed out;
"Stop! Please stop! I'm doing this… give me… give me time…"
A knock on the door made her gasp in fright.
"DCI Stringer?" a voice called out, "It's Michelle from the desk again." There was a pause. Can you let me in?"
Kim shook from head to toe as the TV switched off again and she shuffled to the door, still encased in the bed quilt. She hesitantly opened the door just a crack and saw flickering light outside.
"I brought you this," Michelle explained as Kim opened the door wider to reveal that the woman was carrying a candle. She peered out in surprise. "I know you said you didn't like the dark," she explained, "so I thought this might help."
Kim stared at the candle. It seemed like such a strange gesture, and although she had only been feeding the woman a line to get rid of her the dark it was especially helpful and she appreciated it.
"Thank you," she said quietly as she reached out to take it.
"The electric company are working on the issue," Michelle explained, "we hope the power will be back shortly. In the meanwhile is there anything else we can do?"
"No," Kim said quietly before rethinking in an instant and changing her mind, "yes… this might sound like a silly request but could you please bring me a notebook?"
Michelle blinked.
"A notebook?"
"And a pen?"
Michelle was used to fairly bizarre requests from hotel guests. Despite what Kim had said this was one of the more normal ones.
"Of course," she said with a smile.
Kim watched as she turned to leave, then looked down at the candle in her hands. It flickered delicately as though constantly a moment away from going out. So precarious. Just like life. She turned and carefully carried it to the table, wondering how many health and safety rules and regulations had been broken to allow Kim the use of the damn thing before she sat it down and took a step back. The candle seemed like such a bloody metaphor.
"it would serve you right if I blew you out," she told it, cross with it for making her think about such things.
The door was still open a crack so when Michelle returned she simply placed the notebook and pen through into the corner of the room.
"Here you are, madam," she said, "if there's anything else you need just ask."
Kim gave her a weak smile as she watched the woman close the door behind her and heard her footsteps fading away down the corridor. Still wrapped in the quilt, she walked to the door and lifted the paper and pen from the ground. She carried them across to the table and sat down in front of the candle, placing the notebook beside it and opening it to the first page.
She felt her stomach churning as she took the lid from the pen and slipped it onto the other end. Her hand was shaking now, shaking with the knowledge of the words that she was about to impart to the paper. The notebook had no idea what was about to hit it. If it had, it would surely have followed another dream in life; to be a newspaper or a book or a 'Hi My Name Is' sticker for people at conventions or courses.
At the top of the first page she carefully wrote the date and took a deep breath. On the next line she wrote two words that started the tears flowing;
"Dear Julian."
From there onward her eyes never dried for a second. There was no stopping the tears as she went on.
"I'm writing this in the hope that you might understand why I've done what I've done. It's so hard to explain but it was a choice that I had to make. There's so much of my life that you don't know, that I've had to keep hidden. But there comes a time when worlds collide and the secrets are destined to come out. I want to tell you this in my own words because there will be so many lies and mistruths coming out. Please listen to my story and try to put yourself in my place…"
For two hours Kim sat and poured out her heart, her troubled mind and her life story to the lined pages that lay before her. She wrote and wrote until her hand hurt too much to go on and the notebook ran out of lined ammunition. By the time she had finished the candle had all but burnt out and so had her tears.
It was the last act that she could accomplish in a world that had no pull left for her. She wanted one person at least to understand. Needed him to. Whether he believed her or not was something she couldn't control. But Julian had made her promise to say goodbye before she left. This wasn't what he'd meant but at least she kept a promise.
As she replaced the lid on the pen and laid it down beside the book she drew in her breath and let it out slowly; feeling her chest and her stomach expand and contract as she did so. It reminded her that she was still alive. She would repeat that action on the other side to know for sure she had made it.
That was a journey still to be made.
It was time to begin.
~xXx~
A/N: Those of you who follow my fic Strange Little Girl, go back and read the very first chapter (well, the prologue) - Things will suddenly start to make sense. Plus, it shows how far in advance I've had this planned!)
I… I think this awful period of hating my fics and being on the edge of giving up might have finally passed. And this time I mean passed, not just stopped temporarily. Thank you so much for putting up with me while I've been feeling low, I appreciate you reading, reviewing, following and supporting me more than you'll know.
But special, deep thanks to Ranty who has definitely had to listen to way too much griping and angsting from me about writing – My love, without your intervention my fics would be dead and gone by now, and my profile bare and desolate. You are amazing! *PROMISES NOT TO KICK STUFF* And Charlotte and Jessica, massive thanks to both of you, you have made me feel excited about my own fics again for the first time in months and months. Huge hugs and fishy biscuits to you both!
I have written over 8,200 over 3 whole chapters today… so expect another chapter posted in the morning!
I. AM. BACK!
