This one was difficult to write; the previous chapter was a hard act to follow. Thank you all for your encouragement and honesty.
The word "twilight" brings to mind transition and fireflies, Edward and sex and obsession.
Stephenie owns them. I own Debussy_88 and Ordinary_Girl. You all own me.
Bella:
I sat on the school nurse's paper covered table with a bandage on my elbow and an ice pack on my wrist. I normally didn't bother; my clumsiness would have me in the office on a daily basis, but there was no way I was going to go to Biology today. I simply could not face Edward right now, and with any luck, I wouldn't have to go to gym, either. At least I didn't run down the poor little freshman in front of him.
After an hour the nurse checked my eyes again and gave me a pass, and I walked the two blocks to the police station, putting each foot in front of the other with deliberate intent. My brain felt numb, like I was sleepwalking. It was a different kind of lack of feeling than before I came to Forks, I mused. In Phoenix I was naïve; now I felt empty, drained of the ability to process.
Charlie glanced at my elbow and my arm, but examined my face for a long time.
He nodded to the little room they used as a spare office and a holding cell, and I spread out my books. After a while he bought me a Styrofoam cup of hot tea and six packets of various sweeteners. I raised and lowered the teabag by the little paper tag on the string, over and over in some sort of strange auto-pilot mode. I worked through my chemistry assignment, and the numbers wrote themselves on the paper.
My backpack buzzed with Alice's text chime. I hesitated before looking, afraid of anything that might disrupt my apathy, but eventually pulled out my iPhone. She'd messaged:
Edward is climbing the walls like a spider monkey. Where are you?
I stared at the text for a few moments, and then felt guilty about leaving school without telling them that I wouldn't need a ride home. I replied:
I'm with Charlie. Please tell E I'm sorry I didn't tell him not to wait for me.
She texted back: Are you OK? What happened? Call me!
Was I okay? -I wondered. Just then my stomached growled, and I figured that if I was hungry I must be fine, so I typed:
I'm OK. I'll call you later.
I stared at the little screen as my thoughts churned sluggishly. I was vaguely pleased that Alice was still speaking to me.
Charlie took me to eat at the diner, and then dropped me off in the driveway and headed back to work. He was working late shifts this week, and I trudged up to the empty house alone.
Propped against the door was Edward's Biology textbook. I picked it up and went inside, staring stupidly at it. A lab worksheet was tucked into the front cover, and a corresponding page was marked with a brown grosgrain ribbon. The Novocain inside my skull wore off abruptly, and I slid to the floor, sobbing first in confusion, then in sadness, and finally in anger.
I took a shower, letting the hot water run down over my muscles, bringing my body temperature to the heat of my frustration, and I stewed in the steam.
He left the book as an excuse to give me the damned ribbon. I knew this down to my furious bones. It had meant something to us both, and he was giving it back to me. I just didn't know why.
I didn't want this, this helplessness and weird agony that twisted my nerve endings into knots. I wanted to take action, but I had no idea what to do.
When the warm water finally ran out, cooling my skin and my ire, I dried off, resolved.
I called Alice. She answered before it even rang.
"Bella," she shrieked. "What the hell happened? Edward went completely bat-shit after lunch, and then when we couldn't find you after school I thought he was going to tear the place apart, until I texted you, but he wouldn't talk to me, and I told him that he should call you, but he said he if couldn't even talk to you in person without fucking everything up then he wasn't going to do it on the phone, and I've never seen him like this so I made him to go running before he would explode, and-"
"Alice," I interrupted. "Breathe."
"Sorry. I just don't understand what he's doing! Emmett said he was late for Spanish and got detention tomorrow, and he's shut down so completely that even Jasper doesn't know what to do, and-"
"Alice."
"We stopped by your house and you weren't there, and he kept writing you notes and then crumpling them up, and finally he just stuck your birthday ribbon in the book, and-"
"Alice!" I yelled. "He's bringing Tanya to the party."
I had to hold the phone away from my ear while she screeched profanities. Apparently T-legs wasn't welcome in their house, for some reason.
"I'm going to kill him." Alice decreed. "And you're still going."
"Yes, I am."
After the phone call I did my homework and filled out the Biology worksheet, resisting the childish temptation to do it in angry limericks about a boy who couldn't make up his mind:
There once was a pretty boy from Forks
Who was such an incredible dork,
But it wasn't going anywhere, and whenever I tried to think badly of him I saw his face, that first night I'd sung with Rose, happy and excited, without pretense, just Edward, about to kiss me before Esme had interrupted.
Bastard. Beautiful boy-man dork-bastard with amazing hands, who had shoved me behind his body to face off four drunken men, protecting me without a second thought, and bought me ice cream after to numb my bruised knuckles-
My iPhone buzzed with an update alert from Debussy_88. I stared at the phone for a long time before I picked it up. I'd resisted reaching out to him all day.
He'd changed his status to LEFT, and his poem was titled Gone Away.
I asked my doctor's witch woman
what I should do-
She said son, what have you done?
If she's her father's child
she'll never leave you
If she's her mother's,
then she's already gone,
she's already gone.
I asked her for a spell or potion,
Magic words to make her stay,
She said son, her father's child
will always love you,
But if she's her mother's,
she's gone far away,
she's so far away.
I wrote back: Blue lyrics, and sad in the mouth. Did you talk to her?
I tried. It didn't go well. I can write volumes in blank verse and rhyme, but when I talk to her in person I lose my mind. -Debussy_88
Are you giving up?
He didn't immediately respond, and I puttered around the empty house, and then threw my angst and fury into a massive cleaning frenzy. I dusted and vacuumed the living room and polished the glass on windows that hadn't been seen through for years, and then tackled the kitchen. My head was in the freezer, trying to make sense of Charlie's handwriting on all the bags of frozen fish fillets, when my phone rang with La Mer.
No. –Debussy_88
I eventually went to bed, trying to ignore the night sounds of the house that were somehow louder because I was alone. I lay on the edge of sleep the whole night, in that twilight suspension of unconsciousness, but still aware of the passage of time; I finally drifted off at near dawn.
My alarm was unwelcome. I got up, showered and dressed in a hurry, throwing on my skinniest jeans and the royal blue shirt that Alice had shredded to bits, the one I knew he liked. I piled my hair on my head and slicked on a bit of mascara and was out the door before I lost my nerve and changed into something that showed fewer curves.
I walked into the school building before the Silver Volvo pulled into the parking lot. The eyes that followed my every movement were almost as bad as the first day of school; I made it through first period, but by Chemistry I was feeling anxious and jittery.
"Way to cause a stir at Forks High, hmm?" Lauren Mallory arched a perfect eyebrow at me. Ever since I had sung at Aro's with the band, she had treated me with reasonable civility, but today she almost seemed friendly. "Edward Cullen got dumped!"
I stared at her, trying to keep my confusion from showing.
"It was kind of a mutual thing," I murmured. "We weren't really together, anyway."
She laughed, a weird nasal braying that was a startling contrast to her elegant looks.
"Don't be modest, hon! You brought him to his knees! You should have seen him, yesterday. He came charging into gym class, looking for you, pacing like some uncaged wild animal."
A panther, I thought, a weird thrill running through me. He moves like a panther when he's angry; lean body with heavy shoulders and broad hands, green cat's eyes, and-
The teacher started class, and I tried to focus my thoughts. Why had he come looking for me? Did he tell people I had broken up with him? I tried to remember what Alice had spilled over the phone last night.
When class ended, Lauren called out to me.
"This doesn't mean you're quitting Breaking Dawn, does it?"
Once again, I stared at her in confusion, trying to keep my face still.
"Of course not," drawled Jasper from behind me. "Ed's out before she is." He winked at me from behind the curls, and he and Alice each slid a hand around my waist from either side; they spun me around and pushed me out the doorway, and I slammed straight into Edward's chest so hard my head rocked.
He grabbed my hips to steady me while I found my breath and my balance, and then he jerked his hands away as if burned.
He glared at me. He looked awful. He hadn't shaved and his eyes were dark with shadows, and it took all I had to keep from smoothing the hair away from his face. I ducked away toward the library before I lost my mind completely.
I read my World Lit assignment, and wrote to my mother, and then logged onto the blogsite to write, but the words wouldn't come.
At lunch I caught Alice before she sat down, and invited her and Rose over for girls night at my house. Then Angela grabbed my arm and pulled me away to her usual table, where I felt the pressure of curious stares the whole lunch period, though no asked me what had happened. Edward's eyes never seemed to leave me, and I was pierced with green daggers whenever I looked up. I couldn't focus on the conversation, but no-one seemed to expect me to say much.
When the bell rang, I walked as slowly as I could to Biology, dreading a confrontation. I entered the class room, and the frisson up my spine alerted me to his presence, though our lab table was empty. Newton, Mike Newton waved to me, and gestured to the unoccupied seat next to him.
"Don't even think about it," said a rough voice behind my ear. His hot breath made me shiver, and his broad hand on the small of my back guided me to my chair, allowing for no deviation from the direction he wanted me to go. I sat, having had no intention of sitting with Mike in the first place, and set down his textbook, pushing it across the desk. I didn't look at him, but my heart was beating hard.
We worked through the lab together, a blood typing exercise. We set up the slides and the little worksheets, not speaking, not looking at each other, but I was aware of how tight and high his shoulders were, of every rise and fall of his chest with each breath he took, and the distance between our knees under the table. When it came time for me to poke my finger, Edward took the little lance from me. He reached out and gently cradled my hand in his warm palm, and smoothed his thumb down my ring finger, stroking the blood down to the end, until it was swollen and red from the pressure.
"Close your eyes," he murmured. He held my throbbing finger tightly, and pricked my skin. I gasped, and looked up to see him staring at me, eyes dark and lips parted. I jerked my gaze down to our hands, and a single fat drop of blood welled from my flesh.
"Sadist," I whispered, my voice shaking.
He held my hand over the slide, making four small dots, and then pressed the little piece of gauze on my finger, pulling my fist up over my head.
"You make that same noise," he said, voice curling down my spine. I could hear that his mouth was quirked with the obnoxious half-smile by the way he shaped his words, and a shiver skittered through my traitorous body.
He chuckled, deep in his throat, and the tension left his shoulders.
I flushed red and picked up his metal lancelet. I held out my palm for his hand, biting my lip.
"Not a chance," he said, plucking the tiny weapon from my fingers. He shook his hand twice, braced his own ring finger with his thumb, and stabbed it with the lance in one fluid motion, and then milked his finger onto the slide.
"You know, you didn't let me finish, yesterday," he said, pitching his voice low.
Panic rose in my chest, and I squeezed the drops of solution onto our slides.
"Bella, I've a skeleton in a closet that I didn't even know existed, and I need to deal with it. I'm sorry that I didn't explain things well yesterday; I just can't talk about it yet. But you and I are definitely not over." His words were fast and urgent, under the noise of the class.
"So basically what you are saying is that you want me to sit and watch while you take care of some secret unfinished business with a gorgeous senior that you used to have a thing with? And it's okay if I go with someone else, as long as you think he's gay?" I wasn't really convinced that Eric was gay; he'd asked me to the first dance of the year, but it was a moot point, anyway. "I'd rather go alone!"
"That would actually be preferable," he said. He shot a dark look at Newton, who was eyeballing us with a smirk on his face.
"And it's not that I don't want to be your friend," he continued, keeping his voice soft, "it's just that I don't think I can. I don't know how to be around you without wanting-" he broke off, his gaze flicking to my hair, my lips, my body and away. He swallowed. "-more."
The bleak look on his face made my heart twist, and I felt tears clog up my throat. I gritted my teeth, determined not to cry in Biology class.
"I'm not waiting for you, Edward," I said, furious with him. "When you can be honest with me, come find me."
"Alright," he said, his shoulders tight again. "If that's what you want. I'll leave you alone."
It wasn't what I wanted, but I was so angry and confused that I nodded once, staring straight ahead.
"But you have you have something you are hiding too, Bella," he said, clenching his jaw.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, glaring at our slides.
"Who do you e-mail on your phone?" he asked, voice almost a whisper. "Can I see what you write to him?"
I gaped at him, and felt the crimson spread up my neck and into my face. I looked away.
His half smile was a bitter twist as he stroked my hot cheek with a cool fingertip.
"See?" he said, "We both have our secrets."
The bell rang and I fled.
Edward:
I sat in detention, almost relieved to be away from Jasper's questioning eyes and Alice's meddling. I'd avoided them last night, but I couldn't today, and I'd nearly spilled to Jazz about it twice.
I had half a mind to just tell him and let him have at her, but I doubted that would get the album back, and I'd already lost Bella. I was so furious about the situation that I didn't even care what Tanya's deal was; I just wanted it over so that I could fix it.
The day dragged with the autumn rain, and I pressed my fingers to my temple, searching for a pulse to make sure I was alive. I felt like a zombie with my heart cut out and my brain turned off. I didn't dare let myself hope that it was real, that the album was still there, that I could keep Emmett and Rosalie from leaving.
I counted heartbeats to pass the time.
I'd watched her all day, taking in every detail, from her hair piled on her head in artless waves cascading down her neck to the pale blue shadows under her eyes. I was probably stalking her, but I didn't care.
I noticed little things- the way her locker stuck at the top hinge and how she had to jerk it hard to get it open, and that the shoelaces in her Chucks didn't match. She'd written P88PMM on the corner of a notebook, and I wanted to tell her to be more cautious with her passwords. She had one lock of hair that never stayed up in the rest of it. At lunch she nibbled her apple down to the seeds but didn't eat her pizza crust and she always knew when I was looking at her, meeting my gaze with a flat sullen glance before looking away.
When Jasper and Alice spun her into me, her body was so warm I felt branded when I caught her hips. Something dark flickered in her eyes when she looked at me, and I wanted to shake her, to bring back the fire that had disappeared. She dodged away before I could speak.
"I didn't do that on purpose," Jasper had said.
Alice turned her back on me.
I glared at him, letting him know I'd heard his crack about the band.
He smiled an evil grin with a lot of teeth.
"Did you know that Bella writes?" he asked.
Alice walked off with her nose in the air.
My best friend flashed even more teeth, and said, "You're about to be torn a new one."
I followed behind her, the criminal being led to the gallows.
When we got to the balcony, she slammed her books down in the seat.
"Don't, Alice."
"Don't 'don't' me, Twin!" She took a deep breath, preparing to go at me with barrels blazing, but something in my face stopped her, and her anger abruptly changed to pity. I looked away, resenting it, but she threw her arms around me and hugged me close, and for some stupid reason it made me want to cry.
"The only reason I can figure is that you're doing it for one of us," she said, her words muffled by my shirt. "And I don't know what she's blackmailing you with, but I can't believe that you would think that any of us would want you to give up Bella."
"I'll fix it, Alice, I promise."
I'd hoped to hell that I could.
Bella didn't sit with us at lunch, but whenever I looked up she was staring at me, and I realized she wasn't as distant as she seemed. I decided to try to talk to her again; I'd told Ordinary_Girl I wouldn't give up, and I'd promised Alice I'd fix it.
Our conversation in Biology didn't go as well as I had wished.
I couldn't help my arousal at her proximity; the chemistry between us was loaded, and she just smelled fabulous, sweet and flowers and girl, and it was probably wrong to use the excuse of the lab to touch her, but I did it anyway. She'd called me a sadist and she was right; the noise she made was the same as when I would first penetrate her, always that gasp at the shock of entry. I probably made a similar sound.
I'd felt her shiver at my words and it had thrilled me; at least she still wanted me physically.
But then I nearly made her cry in class, and the dead panic in her eyes when I brought up her boyfriend back home made me wish I'd just ditched class in the first place. Part of me felt relieved to have it finally out in the open, but I mostly just wished I hadn't confirmed it.
I wondered if I really could stay away from her like she'd asked.
The hour dragged on; I finished the lab write up for Biology, and then slid my iPhone under the desk. I messaged Ordinary_Girl: I miss your pretty words.
She wrote back a minute later: I don't have any. He's trading me out for a pretty girl. –Ordinary_Girl
I stared at the screen, wanting to tear my hair with the irony of it, that she had lost too, and I wanted to slap her boy upside the head. If he couldn't see how special she was, he didn't deserve her.
We're alone together, then. Will you be okay?
He's let me have my dignity; I just don't know what to do or how to feel; I don't know the rules to this game of hearts. –Ordinary_Girl
What if there were no rules? What would you do if you could fly?
I would follow him and kiss the misery from his skin, and shake him and tell him that she won't love him like I do. –Ordinary_Girl
So do it. Chase him down and make him laugh until he can't let you go. What do you have to lose?
My sanity. –Ordinary_Girl
I don't even know what that is anymore.
Give me some music to make me brave? –Ordinary_Girl
'In for the Kill', by La Roux. Sweet and aching and feisty; like you.
I drove home after detention, taking the long way, putting off the agony of having Bella at my house, her eyes dull and her voice angry with me; but when I got there, Rose's car was gone and the house was strangely silent. I went into Jasper's room. He was playing his upright flat on his lap like a dobro.
"Where did they go?" I demanded.
"The ladies just left. They will be spending the evening at the Swan residence," Jasper intoned, not looking at me. "Apparently Bella doesn't feel welcome here."
"Fuck," I said, trying to massage the tension from my neck.
"Yeah, you screwed that up real good, bro," said Emmett, from the doorway. "and Alice says you're bringing Tanya next Saturday? What the fuck, man?"
"I'm wrapping up some unfinished business," I said, using Bella's phrase, "And Jazz, don't ask me to explain, because I know you can't keep secrets from Alice, and I'm not discussing this shit with Bella."
"Dude, does Tanya even like boys?" he asked.
"She certainly didn't like me," I said.
"Lock up all the computer equipment," Emmett said. "Come on, let's go to Moe's." He left to get his cue.
"You're making a devil's bargain, aren't you?" Jasper picked out the opening melody to Crossroads.
"You have no idea." I said.
Moe's was busy with the usual Friday night crowd, and we ordered cokes and cheese fries and wings, and claimed a dart board as soon as one was free. We all shot a practice round, and then threw a single to see who would go first.
Jasper threw to the inner ring, and Emmet threw wild. I lobbed a nice one into the outer bull, and smiled, remembering Bella's birthday, and then rubbed the back of my neck, not wanting to think about her, but helpless as thoughts of her crowded my brain. I stalked toward the board to retrieve our darts, and a fourth flight flashed by my head. I froze, startled and annoyed that someone would throw so close to my face. Then I saw the dart, stuck solid in the black bull.
I knew those darts. Seventeen gram short shafted steel points with shiny blue flights. I'd bought them. I stared at the cork target, hope and the girl slamming through my senses, and finally felt my heart beating in my chest again.
"What are the stakes?" I asked, pulling the darts out of the board.
Jasper and Emmett were back at the table, sitting with the girls. Bella stood at the line, her posture awkward and shy, but she lifted her chin and her eyes flashed with a challenge and enough flirtation that I had to think to breathe.
"A nice evening?" she offered, and bit her bottom lip, giving lie to the casual tone of her voice.
I handed Bella her dart and marveled at her, at the easy simplicity of it, no rules, just kids out having a good time. I'd fucked things up, and maybe she would wait for me to sort things out and maybe she wouldn't, but at least she was here now, fun and fabulous, and her eyes were shining with the spark I'd been looking for all week.
"You go first," I said.
What is your blood type?
