A/N - Hello all :)
Moodswings-ago-go this week, but lately that's nothing new. Also, apologies, but this weeks chapter is slightly shorter than usual, though the next one is jam-packed with action and all kinds of Dramione goodness so worry not.
*IMPORTANT* - I start college in two weeks time (not the same one as Nicole :'( Sad times. And stupidly, I start on a Friday, wtf?) so I'm not fully sure as of yet, but I may withhold an update that Friday just while I get back in the swing of not being able to dedicate all my time to writing. However, if I think I have enough chapters stocked up, I won't.
Finally, as usual: Thank you for every single beautiful review. Thank you to my wonderful beta, MrsBates93.
A harsh gale whipped at the trees so that they rippled like green waves to and fro, the boughs and branches creaking with the strain as the leaves hissed angrily to each other. Over in a distant corner of the grounds, the Whomping Willow thrashed and swung around wildly, battering the heavy raindrops that fell all over it and all over Hogwarts.
The sky stayed perpetually dark after Hermione returned to her lessons the next day, and for the rest of the week; thick grey clouds obscured the blue above, and the only change was the occasional boom of thunder and a fork of lightning which would fracture the stormy atmosphere. Hermione had more pressing concerns than the weather though, so it didn't bother her too much.
Her day of rest in the dorm and the Strengthening Potion she had unknowingly ingested had left her feeling well enough to get back to her classes and she fought hard to catch up on two days of missed schoolwork. But even that didn't have her full attention. Nothing really did after her conversation with Malfoy.
Hermione hated herself for the frustrating fact that she could no longer trust her body or her brain because of Malfoy. She loathed the way that in quieter, solitary moments her mind would replay the night they had slept together and how it would make her insides feel like they were melting and turn her limbs to jelly.
But it had been quite good. Very good, actually. In fact… she found that if she could just convince herself for a few seconds that it hadn't happened with Malfoy she could almost say it had been wonderful.
However, the truth was that it had been with Malfoy, and losing her virginity had not gone how she had expected it to. For one, she had thought it would be with someone who actually gave a damn about her, not with an ex-Death Eater in a frenzied tumble of pent up emotions stemming from their illicit kisses before it had happened. For another, she had assumed it would have happened with someone she loved in the midst of a comfortable, happy relationship – she and Malfoy were about as far from that as it was possible to get. But at the very least, he had been kind about it. He had asked her permission and tried not to hurt her… until of course he'd left her with a callous little sentence about it being a mistake.
And now she was on the horns of a dilemma. Hermione could not deny that now her skin had felt the way Malfoy's fingers could skim across it, springing goosebumps up all over her and sending shivers up and down her spine; now her lips had had frequent tastes of him; now she knew how incredible he could make her feel… she ached for more, as much as she despised admitting it.
She'd never really been able to understand how some people could crave... that... but now… well, she was beginning to learn. It slightly disgusted her, especially when she remembered who she was yearning for: Draco Malfoy, who'd called her a Mudblood and who hated her for being born; who had bullied her and her friends relentlessly for six years now; who'd pinned her against a wall by her throat for talking to his friend. She was sick in the head, she must be.
It wasn't like she imagined being with him again… no, that was a lie. She had. It was irritating now to be left to the whims of her hormones; they were nowhere near as reliable or as sensible as her brain. Except now her normally good brain was furious with her because it too wanted her to be with Malfoy again, but only the other day she had stupidly decided to tell him it would never happen again. Not that he probably wanted to. After all, he'd been the one to call it a mistake.
The past two days had been unbearable; Malfoy had said nothing to her, nothing at all, and he'd started to revert back to being an arse. He shot her dirty looks whenever he could; every single time she looked over at him he was scowling at her. She started avoiding looking at the Slytherin table at mealtimes because she just couldn't stand to feel him glaring at her hatefully.
It was worse when they were both working at their desks in the common room; the silence was nearly crippling and it seemed Malfoy spent more time shooting daggers at her than he did working. She was starting to think he only ever sat at his work desk to annoy her.
It was becoming hard for her to be so distant to Malfoy when it was all she could do to quell the part of her that wanted to throw herself at him and undress him – what was wrong with her?! But she simply couldn't let it happen again. She had to do the right thing and stay away from him… even if currently the right thing felt completely and totally wrong.
On Friday evening Hermione visited Hagrid, but he had little to tell her and she had even less she wanted to tell him. She mentioned that Theo had broken up with her and Hagrid expressed his sympathies, but it was a quiet visit. Hermione knew she must have seemed subdued because Hagrid asked her repeatedly if she was alright, to which she replied, more forcefully each time, that she was, which was a lie. Fortunately for her he didn't press the conversation further, and Hermione hoped he assumed that she was down because of the break-up. The fact was though, that it barely bothered her anymore. There were much bigger problems for her to contend with.
Hermione left early because she had to patrol with Malfoy tonight, something she'd been dreading since she'd been well enough to get back to lessons. She braved the weather once more as she walked across the grounds – it was still a torrential downpour. The rain came down in grey sheets, falling from what seemed like every direction, even somehow from underneath, which should have soaked her through. However, she'd been smart and cast a Water-Repelling Charm on herself, so she didn't get wet.
The rain prevented her from seeing much of the grounds though and it made her feel uneasy. She wished she had someone to walk her back to the castle. Thunder boomed and rolled out across the grounds, and flashes of lighting often split the sky, adding to her discomfort. She was glad when she reached the castle.
She arrived at the Divination Tower – where she was due to meet Malfoy – much quicker than she'd expected, but even though she was a little early he was already waiting there for her.
Malfoy looked as bored as he'd always used to when he was kept waiting; his chin was tilted proudly up, he was leaning lazily against the stone wall and he was staring blankly off into the distance. But despite his current façade of returning to his old self, Hermione knew he was a little different.
With his dark stares and scowls that had made Hermione feel so anxious over the past few days, she knew Malfoy was attempting to get back to who he had used to be since she'd told him point blank that they wouldn't be having sex again. Yet the fact that he so obviously had to force himself to become an arrogant prick again made her feel slightly warm and comforted. She didn't say anything though, and neither did he; they were both too good at acting like everything was normal.
"You're early," she remarked casually by way of greeting as she approached him.
Evidently, he hadn't noticed her approach because his eyes snapped up at the sound of her voice. He abandoned his bored look and plastered on a scowl. Hermione's heart started racing; she felt anxious again now his intense scrutiny was upon her once more. Malfoy stood up from against the wall and stuck his hands in the pockets of his robes.
"How observant of you," he drawled sarcastically. "I think I'm beginning to understand how you got so many O's in your O.W.L.'s."
His cold derision, yet another attempt at being sixth-year-Malfoy, was laced with unnecessary and underlying venom that Hermione detected but did not mention. Taking a calming breath, she forced herself not to snap back at him.
"Let's go, shall we?" she said instead.
Malfoy didn't reply, but jerked his head in what Hermione supposed was a nod and stalked off. She followed him then drew up alongside him, matching his pace.
Perhaps a few months ago, she might have found the lengthy silence that now enveloped them awkward, but intense silences of unbelievably stifling tension happened so often between them now that she was starting to become desensitised to them. It wasn't that she didn't feel uncomfortable – oh, she did – but unlike their first few patrols together, she didn't feel compelled to fix it by making conversation.
But even her reluctance to try to remedy the strangling atmosphere didn't prevent her from becoming more and more anxious and irritated when she noticed Malfoy doing his staring again. Something about his grey eyes and the way they bored into her made her feel so uneasy that it was maddening. They walked and walked, up staircases, through narrow corridors and wide passageways, but almost all the time Hermione could feel his gaze piercing her.
She finally snapped after thirty minutes of complete unease.
"Stop glaring at me, Malfoy."
Oh shit. She'd noticed then. But he hadn't exactly been subtle, had he? Draco hadn't been able to help staring at her because he was so angry at her and she made him so sad but he was just so happy to be around her… His messy mix of emotions drew his eyes to her without his consent. But he supposed he could have been a bit less obvious.
He should say something. But everything he wanted to say to her was too pathetic. He wanted to beg her to let him crawl back into her bed; all he wanted was to just touch her again, to feel her squirm and shake because of him. He wanted to feel her around him and underneath him; he wanted to fuck her, right now. No, actually… he'd have settled for a kiss. Anything for just a taste of her. She was so addictive. But of course, he couldn't say any of that. His pride wouldn't allow him to show her how weak she made him.
"Don't flatter yourself, Granger. Why would I bother 'glaring' at you?" he spat, forcing a derisive tone and his trademark smirk. "You aren't exactly much to glare at."
Draco knew it was overly vicious, but he couldn't help but want to hurt her. The minute he chose to give in to and admit his craving for Granger had been the exact one when she had chosen to deny him of her touch in the future. He felt cheated. She deserved to be hurt. Except, the very thought that he was hurting her made him want to rip off his own head.
Granger blushed and it made Draco's mouth twist up a little – she looked so good when she was flushed. He forced his face back to deadpan as Granger's eyes flashed furiously.
"That's funny," she snapped, looking around to ensure they were alone and causing her curls to whip about, "because you didn't seem to think that the other night."
She'd got him there. In all honesty, she really was worth looking at; his eyes were drawn to her all the time, not just recently. When she blushed, or when she got frustrated, or when she was concentrating particularly hard on something, she just seemed to ooze a golden glow of beauty. He'd often glance over to her at mealtimes when no-one was looking just because he liked to look at her. It was only recently that his stares had taken on a hardness as he channeled his pent up frustration. But if she wasn't going to let him near her again, what was the point of admitting all of that?
Draco snorted softly, feigning amused arrogance though his eyes contained no gleam of mirth. "You believe that then."
She scowled deeply at him and he smirked back at her. Then she looked away.
"And you were staring at me," she spat heatedly after a moment.
He didn't say anything and they carried on walking in a silence that seemed to crackle with hidden animosity. Granger made him so furious and frustrated, but even with all that he couldn't shake off his desire to just push her into an empty classroom and ravage her… His eyes flicked automatically back to her as he considered this but unfortunately she caught him looking.
"Stop it!" she demanded angrily, coming to a standstill in the middle of the empty corridor.
The torchlight coming from all around lit up her infuriated face and the spark of fury glinting in each of her pupils. Damn it. He really was a sucker for her eyes.
"Piss off, Granger," he snapped, stopping too. "It's a free country. I'm only looking at you."
"I don't care! I don't like it," Granger replied.
Exasperation flared within him; she was such a confusing witch. Draco stepped closer to her but she backed away warily. He continued to advance on her until her back was against the corridor wall and he was leaning over her petite frame. She glared defiantly at him and it made his heart race.
"Why?" he asked devilishly. "Do I make you uncomfortable?"
Draco's face was barely an inch from Granger's now. He smiled his trademark smirk, but this time he wasn't putting it on to seem arrogant. She was lying. She must be lying; she didn't answer him and looked down. He tilted his head so that he almost had his lips pressed to Granger's right ear and pressed his left hand against the rough stone, trapping her beneath him.
"Don't spin me that crap about not liking me looking, Granger," he breathed into her ear as he trailed one finger of his free hand down her waist. "You love it when I look. You love it when I touch too."
Indeed, it seemed so; Draco felt her shudder when his wandering digit met her hip and started drawing circles there. Suddenly, he grabbed her and pressed himself against her, pushing her into the wall and into him. At long last, she looked back at him, those chocolate eyes sending embers dancing all over his body. He lightly kissed just below her earlobe and Granger sighed quietly.
"See. You're a bad liar," he mumbled into her ear.
He tilted up her chin and pressed his forehead to hers. It felt so good to touch her skin again, even if it wasn't quite as much skin as he'd have liked. Their lips were barely a hair's breadth apart and he could feel her ragged breaths tickling his. He was sure that if he pressed an ear to her chest right now, he'd feel her heart hammering just like his was. How could she force herself to stay away from him if she so clearly longed for him? Her body's reaction was enough to convince him of that.
"And you aren't as clever as you think you are either."
Draco pressed his lips to hers for the fewest of seconds and then to his dismay, he was pushed back.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Granger asked, a tad sourly.
Draco began to kiss his way down her jaw. Thank Merlin for deserted corridors, he thought.
"You think you don't want me, but you clearly do."
Her little shiver of delight backed up his point.
"You say we can't be with each other again," he said, through small kisses on her soft lips, "but you know you want to… I can tell that you want to… you want me, Granger."
He tried to capture her lips once more, but she pushed and struggled against him, denying him the pleasure of her kiss but rubbing her clothed body against him exquisitely. He suppressed a groan.
"And why do you care if I do?"
Granger looked a little disgruntled. Draco was confused. Did she want him to admit that he wanted her too? But he couldn't do that…. He couldn't allow himself to become that weak in front of her; he was still a Malfoy after all, and a damn proud one at that. Then again, maybe it would be enough for her if he just lied and said he didn't, but he'd be willing to offer himself to her anyway. If Granger desired him as much as he thought she did, she'd probably take that.
"I don't care. I just want to help you out," he said.
Only a fraction of a second after the words had come out of his mouth, Draco knew they were the wrong ones. It sounded so much more callous out loud and Granger looked like she'd just been winded. He had to fix this, now.
"No, I'm sorry… I didn't mean-"
"I know what you meant," Granger hissed, yanking his hands off her and pushing him away. "But maybe it's you who isn't as clever as you think, because I don't want you."
She stalked off down the corridor.
Her retort nearly choked him, except she hadn't sounded fully certain of her own words. Draco clung to the hope that she was lying.
"Stop kidding yourself!" he yelled after her, sounding slightly angrier than he'd intended.
Draco followed her at a run, but Granger hadn't gotten that far ahead anyway. He grabbed her by the left wrist and whirled her around to face him.
"If you don't want me, why do you shudder when I touch you? Why do you kiss me? Why did you let me take your virginity?" he gabbled desperately, almost pleadingly. So much for not seeming weak.
And then Granger slapped him. Stinging shot through his cheek just like that time in third year, only now he felt pain on the inside too. Granger's nostrils were flaring and she was breathing heavily. Her usually lovely face was red and twisted in anger, and she looked like she was on the brink of crying. Her right hand still hovered in mid-air.
Draco let go of her other hand and touched the cheek she'd hit.
"Shut up!" Granger snarled. "It doesn't matter, none of that matters, because you don't care about it. You just said. And I don't care either, not about you. I'm glad we're finally on the same page."
She choked and a few tears began to fall down her cheeks. Draco took a step back. He felt like he was drowning.
"Well if we both don't care then, maybe we shouldn't speak anymore," Draco said hollowly, his words stemming from the pain of her rejection. "There's no point, is there? You're right, clearly everything that's happened between us have been mistakes."
Granger nodded. "Fine," she muttered bitterly.
Then she walked off, away from Draco to the other end of the hallway, probably to go back to their room. Before she turned the corner though, she turned back with a tear-stained face, looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Fine."
