Raw Deal
July 10, 2016
On this sunny day, the Loud Family on a road trip in Vanzilla.
Lana: Dad, are we there yet?
Lynn Sr.: Not yet, kiddo. A few more hours.
Lana: Oh, okay. [beat] Are we there yet?
Lincoln is looking at a guidebook of the place the family's visiting.
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Today, we're going to Grand Venture State Park, and it's gonna be awesome! We're gonna hike, and fish, and check out the caves...
Leni: And I can't wait to see Pop-Pop!
Her siblings look at her confused.
Leni: The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park.
Lincoln: Geyser, not geezer. See? Here it is. [shows her the actual geyser in the guidebook.]
Luna: I hope we get to see it blow. That would be rockin'!
Lisa: I wouldn't hold my breath. It's been inactive for years.
Luke: Still, there could be a 50/50 chance that it would blow.
Lisa: We'll see.
Leni: So, it is like Pop-Pop.
Lana: Now are we there yet?
Lynn Sr.: Lana, stop asking.
Lana: Well, Hops is asking, not me!
Lola: [struggling with the seat belt] This seat belt is wrinkling my dress! [pants with anger]
Rita: Why don't you guys play some car games?
Lynn: How about Football? I'll be the QB. Hike! [tosses her ball in the car, causing it to nearly rear off-road and make her family scream in panic. She smiles nervously.]
Rita: How about something a little less dangerous?
Lynn: [sheepishly] Heh. My b.
Lucy: I have a new deck of fortune telling cards. I could give everybody readings. [shuffles the cards]
Her siblings agree to that and want their fortunes told. She puts on a turban as the background changes to a spacial setting.
Lucy's Siblings: Me first! / Over here, Lucy!
Lucy: It's Madame Lucy.
Lucy's Siblings: Ooh!
The cards are dealt. The first card shows a galleon sailing on the ocean.
Lucy: Lori, you will go on a long trip.
Lori: [excited] Ooh. Maybe Bobby's taking me to Italy! He is working at that pizza place.
The next card shows a castle door opening up to planets in the night sky.
Lucy: Lola, the universe will open doors for you.
Lola: [scoffing] Ha. Tell me something I don't know.
The next card shows a four-leaf clover in the middle of a field.
Lucy: Luke, your luck will soon change during today.
Luke: Seriously? I'm not really superstitious, but, that sure is something.
The next card shows a knight on his steed facing strong winds.
Lucy: Luan, you will soon be blown away.
Luan: How fortunate! [laughs as her siblings groan at her joke.]
Lynn Sr.: [laughing] Good one!
Lynn throws her Football at Luan for that one.
Luan: [still laughing] Ow!
Lisa: [disbelieving] Poppycock. Could these predictions be anymore non-specific?
The next card shows a wizard with a crystal ball.
Lucy: Lisa, you will make an amazing scientific discovery before entering the park today. Is that specific enough for you?
Lisa: Specific, yes. Plausible, no. As a woman of science, I cannot take any of this seriously.
Lucy: Well, the cards don't lie. [tells the rest of the siblings' fortunes before finally telling Lincoln's.] Last but not least: Lincoln. [draws the card and gasps at what she sees.]
Lincoln: [concerned] What? What does it say?
Lucy: [changing the subject] So, uh, who wants to play football? [grins casually]
Lincoln: [desperate] Lucy, come on! Tell me!
Lucy: Fine. Your day at the park will end in... [reveals the card to show the grim reaper.] ...tragedy.
A suspenseful music sting plays for the card as Lynn Sr. is looking through the radio.
Lynn Sr.: Ooh, a radio station of music stings! Neato-burrito!
The music sting plays again as Lincoln worries about his fortune.
Later, the family stops at Ed's Gas & Snack.
Lynn Sr.: Okay, kids, ten minutes for bathroom and snacks. If you miss the cut-off, I can't promise I'll still be here.
Lincoln's sisters get out of the car, but he closes the door, much to Lisa and Luke's disbelief.
Luke: What are you doing?
Lisa: Aren't you coming?
Lincoln: Nope. I'm staying right here.
Lisa: Oh, you're not worried about Lucy's silly predictions, are you?
Just then, Lori accidentally steps on an oil slick, slips out of control while screaming and crashes into the trash.
Lori: That was literally embarrassing.
Lucy: It was also literally your fortune. "You will go on on a long trip".
Lincoln gasps at this fact.
Lori: [sighs in disappointment] So, I'm not going to Italy?
Lisa: Relax, Lincoln. It's just a coincidence.
Luke: Yeah, I agree with Lisa on this one. You're gonna be ok, dude, come on.
Lincoln gets out and hears Luan giggling.
Luan: Let me know if you get tired, Dad.
Lynn Sr.: Good one, honey. That's why you're my heir. [hits Luan with a jet of air that sends her flying into a bunch of tires.] Oh, sorry, sweetie. Your dad's just an air-head.
They laugh as the other kids look on apathetically.
Lucy: [appearing next to them and startling them.] Fortune number two: "You will soon be blown away".
All except Lisa and Luke gasp in astonishment. The rest of the siblings except Lisa head into the mini-mart while Lincoln shakes in panic.
Lisa: More like coincidence number two.
Lucy: We will see.
As the rest head in, a charming man named Mr. Universe opens the door for Lola.
Lola: [curtsies for him] Oh, thank you, Mr. Universe. [realizes a few seconds later] AGH! THE UNIVERSE JUST OPENED DOORS FOR ME!
The others gasp again.
Lucy: And...that's number three.
Lincoln: [pleading] Lisa!
Lisa: Eh. Pure happenstance.
Inside the store, there's a long line for the ladies' room.
Lynn: [rushing to the door] Gotta go! Gotta go!
Twin Girls: Back of the line, sister! [point to the back]
Lynn: [runs to the back] I can't wait this long! [starts doing jumping jacks] Don't gotta go. Don't gotta go.
Leni: [holding a pair of pink boots with bows.] OMG! These boots are totes adorbs!
Lana: [comes out of the restroom] Ha! I found a dollar in the toilet!
Lucy: Just like I predicted. [reveals the next card which is an hourglass.] Lynn, your patience will be tested. [reveals the next card which shows arrows piercing a heart.] Leni, you will fall in love. [reveals the next card showing a bunch of coins.] Lana, you will become filthy rich.
The three gasp in shock.
Lucy: What can I say? The cards don't lie.
Lincoln whimpers in fear and runs up to the cashier.
Lincoln: Excuse me. Where are your first aid kits?
Luke: Dude, you're being paranoid about this for nothing.
Lisa: Luke is correct. Besides... [points to Lynn] That is a coincidence. [points to Leni] That's hyperbole. [points to Lana] And that's gross exaggeration. [puts on rubber glove and takes dollar from Lana.] Filthy, yes. Rich, no.
Lana: [Takes back dollar] Ugh. It's about quality, not quantity!
Luna: Oh yeah! The vending machine gave me an extra bag of chips! The best things in life are free, bros! [pops open a bag and wolfs down some chips.]
Lucy: [shows a card with two people holding chalices.] You will be rewarded double.
Lincoln panics more and is now in the car wearing a biking helmet, a chest plate, an athletic cup, and a gas mask which he is breathing heavily into.
Luke: Okay, now you're just embarrassing yourself.
Lincoln: [muffled] I'm just being sensible.
Lisa takes the mask off him.
Lincoln: I'm just being sensible. Lucy said my day would end in tragedy, and all her other predictions have come true.
Lisa: Not mine. I haven't made any scientific discoveries yet.
Luke: And nothing lucky has happened to me yet either, so calm down.
Lincoln: [realizing] Wait a minute. That's true!
Lynn Sr.: Alright, kiddos, welcome to Grand Venture State Park!
Lincoln: [herding his siblings] Let's go, people! Move it! Move it! [pushes them]
Lola: Lincoln, why are you pushing us?
Lori: Yeah. What's the rush? We are literally the only people here.
Lincoln: If we can get in the park before Lisa makes any discoveries or Luke finding something lucky, that means Lucy's predictions are bogus and I'm home free. [pushes them in] Yes! We made it! [takes off his protective gear and starts dancing.] Science: 1, medieval hocus pocus: 0. Right, Lis? [notices she's not with them] Lis? [sees her coming] Lisa, hurry up! Get in here!
Lisa: Sorry. I had to finish that chapter.
Just then, a giant egg drops right between them and hatches.
Lisa: [gasps] Sweet mother of scientific discoveries! It's an owl with deer antlers!
Lincoln screams in horror and goes into a daze.
Lisa: Lucy, I concede that your psychic predictions are uncannily accurate. And now, I'm off to show this fascinating creature to the park ranger. See you later, Lincoln! Well, maybe not.
The suspenseful sting plays again as Lincoln awaits his fate.
Lynn Sr.: Yes! I can get the music sting station on my phone!
Luke sees Lincoln still quivering. He goes up to him and slaps him in the face twice.
Luke: Get a hold of yourself, Lincoln!
Lincoln: [grabs his shoulders] Luke, you don't understand. Lisa's prediction came true, and now I think my fortune might be next!
Luke: [sighs] Okay, so all our sisters' fortunes came true. Big deal. You and I still know that mine hasn't come true yet, whether or not yours will come next.
Lincoln: I know, but still...
Lynn Sr.: [offscreen] Let's go, boys! Catch up or we're leaving you behind!
Luke: Just trust me on this one. [catches up with his family]
Lincoln, on the other hand, is still paranoid.
The family heads toward the caves.
Lynn Sr.: All right, gang. First stop is the Grand Stalactite Caverns.
Lucy: Ooh. If it's dark, I'm in.
Lincoln: Ooh. If it's dark, I'm out.
Rita: Lincoln, you've been looking forward to this trip for months. Don't you wanna check out the caverns?
Lincoln: And get impaled by a stalactite?
Rita: Are you really gonna let a silly prediction ruin your fun?
Lincoln: Yes, I am. I'm gonna stay right here, where it's nice and safe.
Sometime later, some screeching is heard.
Lincoln: [screams] KILLER BATS!
Some butterflies fly out. One of them lands on Lincoln's nose.
Lincoln: [calmly] Oh. They're just butterflies. [panicking] Who are probably fleeing from killer bats! [runs off screaming]
Meanwhile, Lisa is showing this new species of owl to the park ranger.
Lisa: I call it the "Dowl".
Park Ranger: Remarkable. I'll arrange a press conference immediately. Lucky for us, I always carry bunting. [holds up the bunting]
The family is now swimming at the Grand Sparkling Lake.
Lynn Sr.: Ah, Grand Sparkling Lake.
Lynn: CANNONBALL! [cannonballs into the lake with a huge splash.]
Lynn Sr.: Watch it, Lynn! You'll ruin the Grand Venture guide!
Lana: Come on in, Lincoln! We got the whole lake to ourselves!
Lincoln: [on the dock] Yeah, right. So I can get eaten by a piranha? Or zapped by an eel? Or attacked by a swamp creature?
Luke: Oh my gosh, Lincoln, I already told you there's nothing to be afraid of.
Lola: And don't be a dope. There's no such thing as a swamp creature.
Lynn Sr. emerges from the lake covered in algae.
Lincoln: [screaming] IT'S HIM! [swings a branch at him] Back, you hideous beast!
Lynn Sr.: [removing the algae] Hey, hey, hey! I didn't pick out these shorts! Your mother did! Huh.
Now they're visiting a gorge.
Lynn Sr.: Presenting Grand Vista Gorge. The most beautiful view north of the Rio Grande.
Luan: Beautiful? Don't you mean GORGE-ous? [laughs]
Luke: [amazed] Wow, this view is so cool!
Rita: Have any of you seen Lincoln?
Lynn runs to the side of the gorge and notices Lincoln inching his way up the trail.
Lincoln: [frantic] Oh. Are those fire ants? Uh, that could be quicksand. Yikes! I'm pretty sure that's poison ivy.
Lynn: LINCOLN! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE! [Her voice echoes]
Lincoln: [softly] Shh! You wanna cause an avalanche?
Lynn: WHAT?!
A rumbling sound is heard, but it's just a small leaf swaying to the ground.
Lynn Sr.: Next stop, Grand Current River.
The family is fishing. While everyone has their lines in the river, Leni has hers in a bush.
Luna: [to Lana] Hey, little dudette, hook me up with another worm.
Lana: [eating the worms] Sorry. All out.
Rita: Lincoln, you should join us.
Lincoln: [hiding under the canoe] Yeah, right! And get swept down the river? Or contract a deadly parasite? Or slip on a rock, bang my head, get amnesia, and end up in Tijuana? I don't think so! [goes back to hiding]
Luke: Man, I haven't caught a nibble all day! Where are they at?
Lynn Sr.: Patience, son. Just keep trying, maybe they'll come.
Luke: [scoffs] Yeah, I doubt it.
Suddenly, something tugs at his fishing line and almost pulled him into the river. The others notice this.
Luke: Whoa! I think I got something! And it's putting up a fight!
Luna: Reel it in, dude! Hurry!
The others encourage to Luke to reel it in as well. When he did, something big emerges from the river. What is on his hook is a fish with each color detailed on its skin and glowing with sparkles in a slow motion transition. Luke stands there in awe looking at it as well as his family and it goes back into the river, releasing itself from Luke's line.
Luke: [speechless] What... was that?
Lana: I don't know, but it looked so cool!
Lynn: Wow, Luke, that must've pretty lucky of you to catch that kind of fish.
Luke: Yeah-... wait, "lucky"? [realizes] Did my fortune really come true?!
The others, except Lucy, gasp at Luke's question, which makes Lincoln gasp as well, look around panicky, and hide under the canoe again.
Now, the family is having a picnic.
Lana: [patting her belly] Ugh. I wish I hadn't filled up on worms.
Luke: [still in shock from the experience] There's just no way that could've happened. I mean, I don't even what to think of this right now!
Lucy: I told you Luke, the cards don't lie.
Luke: You think so, but, what about...
Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, are you sure you won't join us?
Lincoln: [in the picnic basket] Yeah, right! And attract bears with the smell of the burgers? I don't think so! [goes back to hiding]
Luke: [sighs and walks up to the basket] Lincoln, get out of there.
Lincoln: No!
Luke: Okay, so maybe Lucy's prediction about me was right at the river after all, but you're clearly missing out on this entire opportunity to spend time with us, don't you get that?
Lincoln: You have no idea what you're talking about, Luke! You and everyone else's fortunes came true today, and there is nothing you can say to change my mind! I'm going to die out here anyway! Did that ever occur to you?!
Luke is in shock, then feeling bad for his brother.
Lori: I think bears like the potato salad in that basket as well.
Lori's words causes Lincoln to come out of the basket yelping and run to a field.
Lincoln: I'll just stand in this field. [frantic] Wait. Then I could get struck by lightning. Maybe I'll be safe in that log. [hides in said log] But there could be rabid beavers! [gets out of the log] Back to the picnic basket! [about to get back in] No! Wait! The bears! [trips]
Lynn Sr.: Ah, what a day. Grand Venture State Park, you always know how to show us a grand time.
Lincoln: [heading for the exit] Huh. This is great. I may actually get out of here alive.
Lynn Sr.: Lincoln, where are you going? We've got Lisa's press conference.
Lincoln: You guys go without me. The flash from the cameras could blind me.
His dad grabs his arm and takes him to the conference, where Lisa is about to announce her latest discovery.
Lisa: [at the podium] Members of the press, I have made a discovery that will forever alter our understanding of the animal kingdom. I give you... [reveals Dowl] ...the Dowl! Or Loudicus Lisa, if you prefer.
The rest of her family, except Luke, and the press are amazed while Lincoln flinches and screams at the flash of the cameras.
Lisa: As you can see, the antlers of the Dowl are...
Suddenly, the little bird shakes off the antlers and Lisa makes another discovery, one not so scientific.
Lisa: ...Made in China?
Park Ranger: [does a spit take] Excuse me. I just remembered I, uh...left the iron on in the park ranger station. Forest fires are no joke. [proceeds to leave]
Lisa: [stopping him] Hold it right there, bub! What gives?
Park Ranger: [sighs] Okay. I concocted the whole thing. I bought the antlers at a yard sale and glued them on the owl.
Lisa: [livid] You think science is some sort of a joke?
Park Ranger: No. It's just that ever since the geyser stopped erupting, no one comes to the park anymore. I thought a little publicity would bring people back.
Lisa: [goes back to the podium.] My apologies to you all. Obviously, the Dowl is a fake.
Lincoln: A fake? [gasps] So Lucy's prediction for you wasn't true!
Lisa: That is a logical conclusion.
Lincoln: Which means mine wasn't true either!
Lisa: Second logical conclusion.
Lincoln: I ruined my whole day for no reason.
Lisa: Thrice, a logical conclusion.
Later, the family's getting ready to go home.
Lynn Sr.: Okay, kids, you have five minutes to get in the car. And if you miss the cut-off, no guarantees.
Lincoln walks out of the park with hands in his pockets, disappointed. Luke walks up to him.
Luke: [comes up to him] Hey, dude. You okay?
Lincoln: [sighs] No, Luke, I'm not. I missed out on our whole trip just to avoid my fortune for nothing.
Luke: Well, I hate to say this one's on you but, this one's on you. [Lincoln turns deadpanned] Oh, spare it, you know I was right the whole time. Besides, maybe there was a lesson for all of this.
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Maybe there is a lesson here. You can't live your life in fear, or you'll miss out on it. And that would be a tragedy.
Before they head to the car, the ground starts shaking and there's a rumbling sound. Lincoln and Luke rush over and see something amazing.
Lincoln: It's the geyser! Whoa!
Luke: It's actually erupting?!
The two boys look on to see the geyser's majestic eruption in awe. All of a sudden, the car's horn honks and the rest is leaving without them.
Lincoln: He really is leaving me behind.
Luke: What? You thought he was joking?
Lincoln: I always thought that was an empty threat. [chases after them] GUYS! WAIT!
Luke: Hey, wait up! [joins the chase]
The car stops and the two boys get in.
Lincoln: [jubilant] Guys! Guys! You won't believe what happened! Luke and I just saw the geyser go off!
Their sisters are getting some sleep after a fun day.
Leni: [groggily] Ugh. Lincoln, you told me Pop-Pop wasn't gonna be here.
Lincoln: Leni, it's not... Luke, can you tell her that… [sees that Luke is already asleep and sighs] Never mind. This turned out to be the best day ever. [goes to sleep for the ride home.]
Lisa: Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited.
Lucy: WRONG. I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction. [draws one more card] The end is near.
Lisa: Oh, please. Give me a-
[Cuts Lisa's line off to show an end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a Dowl on it appears.]
THE END
Lucy: Told ya. The cards don't lie.
