A/N: In case you missed it over the holidays: I posted a separate oneshot story, intended as a Christmas present for Finchel fans. It's on my author page, as usual.
Finn and Rachel's respective work continued to intensify through the end of March and into April. After their talk about the problem drum sequence, Finn found Alex asking him more questions about the feasibility of the drum parts he was composing; the composer seemed to be really trying to learn about what things could work on the drums and what couldn't, the better for him to come up with creative possibilities, Finn figured, and Finn liked how things were going with that even though he still wasn't sure where things were going for him long-term.
Finn was feeling respected. Here he was, working for this big deal composer, and the dude actually seemed to care what he thought (about the things that Finn knew about) and his expertise. Okay, so basically his expertise was about what an ordinary drummer could play, but still. And being treated like a professional was making him feel more and more like he actually was one. He also enjoyed the times he worked at NYADA, everyone there was doing something with music or acting or whatever, it was cool.
However, even though he enjoyed working for Alex, being a hired gun had its limitations, he had to stick exactly to what Alex wanted. And the composer was always trying stuff out and changing things, with some things that Finn really liked not sticking around. It was the dude's choice, of course. But sometimes as Finn looked at all the students intensely involved in their own rehearsals, all focused on both their current part and also what it was preparing them for, he had to wonder where this was going for him. He still had the band... but that had built-in limitations as well.
Meanwhile, juggling working for Alex, and the band, and his shifts at the diner made him increasingly busy. Everything was heating up at NYADA as the end-of-term was coming; recitals, musicals, everything was full steam ahead. Rehearsal rooms were filling up, leading Alex to schedule work in some evenings, though that was okay for Finn since he could pick up diner shifts during the day and spend the night with Rachel once he was done. She, too, was extremely busy, so he was glad at least some of what he was doing had him close to her. A few times she was even available for a quick supper before their respective evening schedules, and he enjoyed every minute that he could spend with her, talking, listening, or just being with Rachel.
Their relationship felt really secure and solid, despite Finn still having uncertainty about his future. Whatever happened, though, he knew he couldn't let the other stuff get to him and affect how he treated Rachel, especially seeing the mess that a split and trying to move on had brought to Santana. At least that was starting to get resolved, sort of.
After reconnecting with Brittany during her visit, Santana was now talking to her regularly on Skype and had broken things off with Natalie. The artist was still friendly and had insisted on still having Santana model for her; she had apparently worked through some of her emotions this way, and one completed painting of Santana as a femme fatale had found a place in the gallery exhibition of the art collective Natalie belonged to.
"Natalie invited me to the opening next week and the rest of you can come if you like," Santana announced to the others at one of their rare times all together, one Sunday for brunch at the John's Place diner.
"How does it look?" Rachel asked.
"The painting? It's good, I guess. I look kind of cruel in it, but hey I don't mind. I'm doing another sitting on Friday since she wants to expand it into a series."
"Sure she isn't exploiting your guilt to get a model for free?" Kurt asked pointedly.
"Kurt!" Rachel protested.
"No, seriously," Kurt went on. "You'd normally charge anyone else for modeling, wouldn't you?"
Santana sighed. "Well, maybe. But she did take the whole thing with Brittany really well, and I figure at this stage it's good publicity for me. It's not like I have anyone else wanting to pay, so who knows, maybe some day some agent or casting director will see the painting and things will go from there."
"Did it seem strange, modeling for her?" Rachel asked. "Since you used to be involved."
"You mean was it weird taking my clothes off in front of my ex again?" Santana teased, then laughed as Finn cringed. "Oh relax, you can't see anything explicit in the picture. And yes it was awkward at first, but hey maybe that's what she wanted most from me in the first place, a model. I just told myself she'd seen it already, and obviously had liked what she saw. And she didn't try anything, she was very professional. Almost disappointing since I'd planned something clever and devastating to say if she did."
"You're sure nothing's showing?" Finn asked, which caused Kurt to roll his eyes. "What? Look, we have a no-naked-roommate rule at our place, and as far as I'm concerned that goes for pictures too. Some lines are not meant to be crossed."
"How'd you get that rule set up?" Kurt asked Santana. "I had to give him a bathrobe before he'd remember to cover up fully at our place."
Santana shrugged. "I told him anything I could easily see from a common area would be subject to mockery, and I was okay with acting likewise. Neither of us want to see or be seen, so it's not a problem."
Kurt turned to Finn with narrowed eyes.
"I don't know what you're complaining about, dude, you haven't seen me naked either. Even back when you wanted to." Finn snorted as Kurt turned red. He only rarely reminded his stepbrother of that old inappropriate crush, they were long past any uncomfortableness from that, but it could still be dusted off if needed to get Kurt to back off. Brothers always had old stuff they needled each other about, theirs was just really unusual. "But thanks for the bathrobe."
"And our no-entering-without-explicit-permission rule works perfectly well," Rachel chimed in. "Whether you think anyone is in my room or not."
Santana laughed. "You mean you two can actually be quiet?" she teased, spreading the embarrassment around.
"Everyone sleeps sometime," Rachel retorted with a small toss of her head. "And the rule also protects my clothes from unauthorized raids by the fashion police."
"It was once. And I had to intervene, I couldn't risk being seen with you wearing that sweater again," Kurt stated dramatically, but did join in with the others' laughter at this.
"Well, anyway, you will not see anything you're not supposed to in the picture," Santana said, coming back from the diversions, "And I hope you'll all be able to come to the opening, I know everything's busy but it would be great to have people there who know the real me not just the painted me."
The others nodded, but Rachel demurred a bit. "I'll do my best," she said. "But it may have to be just an appearance at the end, if I can manage that, we have a full run-through for the musical that night." She did her best to look encouraging. "Since I'm not in the whole thing I shouldn't be too tired."
Santana pouted briefly, but appeared mollified. "Yeah sure, I get it. Nothing you can do, right? Though I'm still surprised you picked that one over the other, I'd never have thought I'd see Rachel Berry passing up a starring role in favor of a supporting one."
"Featured, Santana," Rachel corrected. "Not supporting. It's an award-winning role. And I've explained why, it's a much more prominent production. Everyone will be there to see the male lead -"
"Except us," Finn put in, and was rewarded by a smile from Rachel before she continued.
"It's an open secret that Pal Joey was picked to showcase Derek Torerra as he graduates to take Broadway by storm, but I intend to steal every scene I'm in, and the part allows for it."
"Gladys is a scene-stealer all right," Kurt commented. "The vocals aren't usually up to your quality, however."
"Then she'll blow them away even more," Finn said, and he couldn't help but look adoringly at Rachel as he did. She blushed prettily at the compliment and his look, snuggling into his side. He was quite familiar with her reasoning, since he had been her sounding board as she made her decision; he was still impressed by her choice, going for something better long-term as well as wanting to show range and team-player ability, and he was sure that the big senior star was not going to be the focus of the Broadway bigwigs in attendance for long. And yes Kurt still appeared a bit irked at not being consulted, but Finn was glad that his had been the only support Rachel had looked for, and that she was happy with the decision he'd helped her make. It felt... like that was how it was supposed to be.
He'd be a lot happier, though, if he could see more of where things were going for himself. The others, they all had things they were working toward, maybe not all big steps like Rachel was working for but they were making progress and had hopes. Finn himself - well he liked working with Alex, but he wasn't sure how that was going to lead to anything different or bigger, and while the band was going strong (with more money negotiated by Irene since turnout had noticeably increased) it was getting pretty close to its ceiling. He wanted more, even though he wasn't sure quite what.
Dumbass, Finn told himself. Last summer I didn't think I'd have any of this, I need to stop thinking things are going nowhere. But around the others with all their ambitions and focus, his internal pep talk was falling flat.
The next Tuesday night Finn was working with Alex again. They started out with Finn trying the new drum parts, Alex watching him intently as he played, getting a feel for drumming movements, occasionally closing his eyes.
"The breakdown changes how it feels," Alex muttered as Finn finished, nodding to himself. He raised his head to meet Finn's inquiring look. "How you split that sequence into phrases, it changes how it feels." He nodded. "Interesting."
'Interesting' from Alex usually meant he was filing the information away to use it at some later time. Finn expected that he'd get more phrasing information, in future.
They moved on, Alex starting playback of a song he'd been working on for a while, Finn trying the new changes in the drum part. Alex seemed dissatisfied as it finished, though.
"I don't know," the composer said, shaking his head. Finn thought it sounded great, but didn't want to interfere. "I like it, but I don't think it's working for what I meant it for."
"What did you mean it for?"
"Well it was supposed to be a song for the female lead," Alex stated. He leaned back in his chair, looking upward, with the attitude Finn had learned meant Alex was thinking aloud. "There's something off, it's just not working for that... the wrong attitude or edge or something." He sighed. "I could keep it around for something else, I guess, but then half the motifs are probably wrong... damn." The composer was frowning, clearly dissatisfied and tense, frustrated with the song and with himself. From the sound of it all the work on the song was close to going down the drain. And it did sound good, Finn really liked the piece.
"But you always like to hear things live," Finn put in, inspiration striking. That was why he was there, after all, Alex always said he felt music much better, more authentically, when it was live, and he hadn't heard this one properly at all yet. "Have you heard a girl sing it?"
"I don't have the lyrics fully worked out yet." Alex still shook his head. "It just doesn't feel right. I don't know, maybe I should wait," he mused, thinking aloud again, "But that's a long time to let this sit... unless I could just throw something together... Hmm." He broke from his thoughts and looked at Finn again. "I suppose you're thinking of your girlfriend," he said.
"Yeah," Finn admitted. "She's really busy right now with the musical and recital, but I know she'd help when she could, and Rachel can sing anything."
"She's got an amazing voice, don't get me wrong," Alex replied, "but this isn't the usual Broadway or power ballad stuff."
"That's just what you've heard her do. And it would be for a test, right, to see if the song works the way you want it to, or help you figure out what you need to change, like what I've been doing drumming." Finn didn't mean to push, but why not get Rachel involved, or at least give it a try to help the song. Plus things did sound different when Rachel sang them, usually much better, and who knows where this might lead for her. He got up from the drums and grabbed his bag, digging out his iPod. "She really can sing stuff like this," he said. "Want to hear?"
Alex shrugged and nodded towards the sound system. "Can't hurt. I'd like to save the song if I can, but nobody around here has any time for the next few weeks and I can't just wait."
"Yeah, sure." Finn plugged his player into the mixer's input jack and tried to quickly pick something suitable. Unfortunately most of what he had recorded of Rachel was what Alex had been dismissive about, Broadway songs and power ballads, and even the other songs were usually normally done by women. He needed something crossover, upbeat... he glanced over at Alex's expectant but not very patient look, and went for the first obvious one he saw.
"Okay half of this is me singing, and there are some others," he told the waiting composer. "But you should be able to get an idea of how well she does on eighties classic rock, enough to know if it's worth trying out the song." He pressed play, and listened to first himself and then Rachel sing "Don't Stop Believing" with the rest of New Directions, a recording they'd made just before their first Regionals. The actual competition performance had been better, but he still liked the window into their past that this gave, and he could feel Rachel's happiness as well as remember his own.
By the end Alex was standing next to him, and Finn turned to take in his reaction. He seemed less tense than he'd been not that long before.
"I guess it's worth a try, to listen to it sung," the composer said, still sounding reluctant. "I could shelve the song for now and work on the music for the other plotline in the first act, since it's not connected. Good arrangement," he commented.
"Thanks," Finn said absently, scrolling through his iPod to see if there was something else suitable. He was stopped by Alex's hand on his arm.
"Hold on," the composer said. "That was your arrangement?"
Finn looked up with a little trepidation. "Uh, yeah. Basically mine, I did it originally the fall before and our teacher worked on it a little before Regionals." He waited, not able to interpret the older man's facial expression. "What is it?" he asked finally.
"You were how old? You're nineteen now, this was a few years ago... sixteen?"
"Almost sixteen..."
"Fifteen. How long had you been singing?"
"Like, officially?"
"With a choir."
"About three weeks."
"Three -" Alex looked at him dumbfoundedly. "You're kidding."
"Uh, no."
"Can you please play it again?" He sat in one of the chairs by the mixing board, and Finn joined him.
Finn hit 'replay' and watched the other man as he listened, more intently this time. Is this a big deal? He wondered. I just kind of did it, I had the sheet music and stripped the song down, put in some background vocals for the instrumentation and added a little harmony with Rachel... who I hadn't sung with much yet, then... holy shit, how the hell did I do that?
Alex's expression was an intent half-frown, nothing he could get from that except that the man was considering things. They listened to the whole thing again.
"The ending, that was Mr. Schue, our teacher, who figured that out," Finn said once it had finished.
"Standard power vocal ending," Alex commented. "So the rest was basically your work?"
"Yeah." Finn waited for more, getting nervous.
"On three weeks experience with choir singing, and with those people." Alex sighed. "That lyric syncopation, that I get, you're a drummer. But the rest? The harmonies? Okay they're not complicated, but the fact that you did them at all, any time there were multiple voices, when most of that stuff is normally done in unison, Rock of Ages didn't do anything like this with this song and anyway this was before that was big..." He trailed off. "You ever do anything else like this? Once you had been at it for longer?"
"Arranging? Just short-term stuff, with the club. We sang really often, group numbers and duets, a bit of planning and rehearsal." He thought for a moment. "I guess a lot of the ones I did, when we did mashup contests and stuff like that, I arranged a lot of those," he said. They hadn't recorded any of them, though he might still have his notes somewhere. There had been "You Can't Always Get What You Want", the number they'd thrown together for that first Sectionals - was this why he'd been able to do that so quickly? "And sometimes I just made it up as I went along, harmonizing with Rachel or whoever was singing. Rachel and I did a bit of that at a party last Christmas, we just know what to do when we sing together. I've also done a bit for the band." Alex nodded to him, and he continued. "Well, and there's the song I wrote for Nationals, that was the next year after those Regionals."
"You -" Alex stared, and swallowed. "You wrote a song and performed it at show choir Nationals," he said, carefully controlled.
"Yeah. I wrote a duet to sing with Rachel. We wrote our own stuff for those Nationals and Regionals before it."
"How'd it go?"
"Twelfth place that year."
"The song."
"It - it was good." Hard to explain everything that had happened with that song, he should probably just give the guy the link to it on YouTube and prepare to be embarrassed again. "It sounded really good, I think, I was, uh, kind of in the moment." He reddened. "Make that massively in the moment. We both were, too much, we got out of control at the end. Not musically, just -" He saw Alex's raised eyebrow. "Just, uh, we'd been broken up, and I wrote it to convince her to get back together, and..."
"And it worked," Alex finished for him, nodding.
"Yeah." Finn grinned. "It worked really well." Their voices working together again, after so long without singing duets, on the words and harmonies he'd written - knowing what they knew now, about how their voices touched, it actually made a lot of sense that they'd crossed from the musical to the physical at the end of it. Neither of them had been prepared for how it had made them feel.
"Well that's the important part. And it brought you here, eventually, so that's good." The composer sighed and shook his head. "But that arrangement -" he dropped his head into his hands. "This is why we need better music education in schools," he muttered.
"But I thought you liked the arrangement." The whole thing had Finn confused.
"Oh, it's good, especially for that sort of thing. Just... Finn." Alex looked over at him very seriously. "Fifteen, no formal music training, and very limited experience with how harmonies work since you're a drummer and you hadn't been singing with others for long. How the hell did it not occur to anybody in your school that you had a gift for this? Your teacher, anybody?"
Finn was stunned. He'd never thought about what he'd done as being exceptional, he'd basically done the arrangement because he had needed to. And the other stuff, even with the band and working on their setlists, he'd just done it by feel, going with what seemed like it should work right. "Well, when we first set up that piece our teacher wasn't really around," he tried to explain. "That's why I ended up doing it, we were trying to keep going without him at the time."
"But you said he worked on it a bit, later. He didn't see the significance of your work?"
"Um... I guess not." But he couldn't blame Mr. Schue, no way, he wouldn't have even been singing without him. "I don't remember really talking to him about it," he said. "But I wouldn't have been involved with Glee if it hadn't been for him, he really encouraged and supported me even though this was just something he did on the side at the time. He usually taught Spanish, then." Shelby Corcoran might have noticed, she had massive experience with that stuff, but she wouldn't have known he'd done that arrangement, and she'd been very preoccupied with her personal issues. And if she had approached him about anything, with her being Rachel's birth mother, it would have been too weird.
Alex frowned, but shrugged in acceptance. "Okay, I suppose," he said. "There aren't many specialist music teachers in high schools these days. But wasn't there someone around with the musical background to notice what you had, your instinctive talent for music and harmony, and encourage you to develop it?"
My - what? I have that? I - wow.
Alex shook his head. "It's frustrating, it makes me think of how much talent is out there where the connection isn't made. Half the kids here made it this far more because they had exposure and encouragement than being exceptionally talented, you know. There's lots of talent out there that simply never comes across anyone with the right background to recognize it, or even gets into a music class because there are so few left." He looked back at Finn, who was sitting there shocked, having realized who that someone had been. "Finn? You okay?"
"There was someone," Finn said quietly, shaking his head at his own long-term stupidity. "Someone who always said I was very talented." I just didn't believe her. God. Sorry, Rach.
"Well he or she should have referred you to someone in a music program," Alex commented.
"She wasn't a teacher." And I really don't think I'd've gone. I just - shit, way back then, I thought she was being pushy. Or that it was because she was after me. And then once we were together, that she just wanted me with her.
"Oh." Alex gave a small smile, understanding. "Five-two, great voice, killer smile."
"Yep."
"And you figured she was blowing smoke up your ass because she was sweet on you." He waited, and Finn nodded. "When did you finally realize she was telling the truth?"
"Uh... kind of now," Finn admitted. "Not that I thought she was lying, just..." He groaned. "I thought it was only because of us, not because of me. If that makes any sense. Damn."
Alex chuckled. "Hey, look on the bright side," he said. "You're here now, so even if you didn't entirely believe her you still followed up on what you can do. You're with the person who inspires you to do it. And, my frustrations with wasted time and missed connections aside, you're still only nineteen. If you want to get more into writing and arranging, you can, and you've got plenty of time left to do it." He rose, and clapped Finn on the shoulder. "We can talk about this more in a few days, take some time to think about it, I will too."
Think about it. And make one hell of an apology to the person who'd always believed in him more than he did himself.
Finn took the subway the few stops along to Rachel and Kurt's place, his mind picking through his talk with the composer and what it meant. Alex had been so insistent about his musical talent, that he could do the same sort of things that Alex himself did. And when Finn thought back to the times he'd arranged or written music, the fact that he'd done it without having training or even much previous practice was actually kind of mindblowing.
How did I not know it was special? Finn knew he loved music, he'd enjoyed doing the arranging and the other stuff, he'd just done what he felt was right and put together things that seemed to fit together. He'd never thought about whether other people could do it too, not when he was stepping up to do it himself. The song he'd written, "Pretending" - well Rachel had written a song first, and they'd done the group numbers with Mr. Schue helping, but of course Rachel had a lot more musical training than he had. He had had no way of knowing that what he was doing was at all out of the ordinary.
Why didn't Rachel tell me it was that big a deal?
He gave himself a mental thwack for even thinking such a thing. What, she should have pushed me more? Actually crawled under my bed like I thought she might? She told me I was talented and encouraged me all the time, even when we weren't together. She kept telling me I could do things with music, be in the musical or go to college with her if I tried. It's not like she could make me do something about it. And that music wasn't her sort of thing, she wouldn't really know whether what I'd done was a big deal or not. Mr. Schue should have... He cut his thoughts off again shaking his head.
Mr. Schue got me involved as much as he could and even that took blackmail. And if he had thought of sending me to talk to someone else, I wouldn't have gone, it was way too far outside what I knew.
It's just one of those things, I guess. Like Alex said, we're here now and that's what matters. He'd enjoyed the arranging he'd done, getting things to work the way he thought they could, and of course his songwriting had massively paid off. He did want to do more, much more, and with the composer telling him he could, that he had a talent for it...
Holy shit, I might actually have something in this.
Rachel was lying on her bed listening to music when she felt someone was there, and she turned over to see Finn leaning against the door frame, his face unreadable.
She pulled her headphones off and quickly went to him. "Finn...? What is it?" Closer now, she could read almost too many things on his face, wonder and pain and guilt, all together. She tugged at his hand, wanting him to come in and sit with her on her bed, but he stayed standing. He did grab her hand, however, and held it tightly.
Finn swallowed, glancing momentarily down at the floor, then back at her. "I didn't believe you," he said finally, his voice choked up. Rachel was confused; she had no idea what he was talking about. "I wanted to, I really did, it just didn't make sense so I didn't, and every stupid thing I did in the last year and a half or more is because I didn't believe you and I'm so sorry..." He clenched her hand tightly, and she could see the tension, that tightness, mirrored in every part of his frame and face.
"You didn't believe me on what?" Rachel asked softly, not wanting to push, but she was concerned. "You know I love you, right?"
"Yes. God yes. And I love you, so very much, Rachel... my angel..." He leaned down to wrap himself around her, holding her securely between his arms and chest, his head nestling into her neck. He breathed deeply, and she could feel his tension start to fall away as he embraced her.
"Then what? That's what's really important," she said, still trying to figure out what had come over Finn. He was acting like he'd had some sort of revelation he was having trouble taking in. Not necessarily a bad one, he wasn't mad, just overwhelmed. She stroked his back, wanting to comfort him and ease whatever it was that he was dealing with. "Weren't you working with Alex tonight?"
Finn straightened. "Yeah." He loosened his arms around Rachel and let her lead him over to her bed. "It's going pretty well."
"So...?" Rachel prompted as they sat, turned toward each other, their knees touching.
"There's one song he's not sure works the way he wants it to, and he was talking about it, just thinking aloud almost. I think he likes to have someone to talk things out with when he's working on ideas."
"It can be helpful." She chuckled. "I'm sure at least half the things I used to talk to you about when it came to plans for Glee Club were like that."
"And I didn't listen."
"You didn't need to always listen, I knew you were there. Sometimes I just need to talk, you know that."
"No... I didn't listen to something important. And I am so sorry, Rach, I am." He exhaled. "So Alex had this problem with a song, he likes it but it's supposed to be for the female lead and he was trying to talk through what wasn't working about it, he couldn't really be sure. But he likes to listen to stuff live, and he hasn't heard it sung, so I suggested maybe he could get you to sing it, he wasn't sure it was your sort of thing, so... I played him 'Don't Stop Believing', from our Regionals set."
Rachel waited for a moment, but it seemed as if Finn had stopped talking for now. "Did he like it?" Or me? she thought briefly, but no, whatever was going on wasn't that.
"He liked it..." Finn swallowed, then raised his head to meet Rachel's eyes. "He liked the arrangement, Rach."
A smile started to form on her lips. "Your arrangement. Mr. Schue made a few changes but the style and the details are yours, from when we did it before. Even our harmonies."
"Yeah." Finn started to smile too, a smile that seemed to spread out from within himself. He was overwhelmed, but she could tell now that part of what was overwhelming him was joy. "And then he found out I'd done it, and when I'd done it, just after I started Glee, and then... he went a little nuts."
"Nuts?"
"Yeah. Going on about how this showed why there needed to be better music education, more exposure and talent scouts and stuff, that, uh, a kid who'd been in a choir for all of three weeks could do that..."
She beamed at him. "I told you you were very talented."
"And I didn't believe you, and I am so very sorry, Rach. Like you said, you should know."
So that's what this is, Rachel thought. He's finally - oh, he's finally seeing it. How special, how talented he is. She lowered her eyes, choked up with hope, looking at their joined hands. She breathed for a moment, trying not to get too excited, too far ahead of what Finn was feeling. But this, this was huge, this could be what she'd always looked for, Finn finally touching what she had always somehow known was in him. "A fourteen-year-old girl with limited social skills doesn't make an effective talent scout," she admitted. "Especially not when it comes to the most popular boy in school. I didn't really understand what you'd done either, not then. Back then I just knew that it was so wonderful to sing with you." She looked back up at him, smiling again. "It always was and it still is. And I could just listen to you, too, and there really aren't all that many singers I'd be content to simply listen to."
"I'm honored." He started to stroke the back of her hand with his thumb.
"I knew you had something. I wasn't sure what, though. But your song - did you tell him about 'Pretending'?"
"I sent him the link once we were done."
"And is that something you think you'd like to do more of?"
"Arranging? Yeah, I could give it a shot. I'd like to. Writing, too." He exhaled. "I don't know, it's pretty mindblowing, and he just heard the one song, it seems really soon to go crazy about it."
"You've been working with him for weeks, and he's heard you with the band, I'm sure he's basing his judgement on more than just that one arrangement," Rachel insisted. "That's just what made it all fall into place, made him really notice." For someone in the music establishment, someone with authority, to finally realize that Finn was special - joy was bubbling up in her now too, to know that this had finally happened, that Finn's talent was being acknowledged and could be nurtured. And that he finally saw it himself.
"I guess. He was really blown away about the harmony - said he wouldn't expect that from a drummer, not without more experience with music. Non-drumming music."
Rachel looked thoughtful. "That's true. I'm sorry to admit that didn't occur to me, at the time."
"Hey, how were you to know? And you knew so much. Even if you didn't know what you saw in me, you saw it." He rubbed his hand over his face. "God, this is terrifying. But a good terrifying. Like when we were about to start 'Faithfully' and I knew, it was just so clear. Me being that sure about anything is so rare I don't know how to deal with it, even harder then, but... I knew then what I wanted, what was true, and I know now."
"You want this?"
"I want this. I even think I can do it. God." He exhaled and then took a deep breath, looking at her. "I still know what I knew back then, too, I love you. All the more because I wouldn't have any of this other stuff, the music, without you. And you always believed I could, I'm only starting to believe it now."
Rachel had tears come to her eyes as she listened to Finn's effusion, so happy to hear and know that he'd found that part of himself, that who he was was coming through so clearly. "I love you," she said. "And it's so wonderful to see you like this."
He clenched her hand. "Forgive me, please? For not believing you when you believed in me?"
"Of course. And you have to be forgiven for thinking that I had ulterior motives," she said seriously, then gave a little giggle. "Since I did have ulterior motives. It's not like I was purely interested in your voice and musical talents, far from it. But I wasn't delusional, and though admittedly I'm biased I wouldn't knowingly compromise my musical judgement."
"I know," Finn said. "I really am sorry though, I guess I just thought it was more about what you wanted me to be able to do or hoped I could do than what I really could do. Or even later, that it had more to do with us, that you responded to me more because of what we have than because what I was doing was good. Than that other people would like it too." He grinned. "Not that I mind doing stuff that's just for you to like."
"And now?"
"Now - it's weird thinking that I can really do that, that even without the kind of training that you've had there's something there, something special that I can do something with. I don't know, I guess I just didn't know enough to recognize it. That's sort of what Alex said."
"I've always known you were special. Not just to me, either." She closed in for a tender kiss. "Though especially to me."
Finn kissed her back, then took her hands and looked at her seriously. "So what should I do now?" he asked.
"Didn't Alex say?"
"He said I should think about it and we can talk more at our next session. But at this point he seems more frustrated that he didn't find me three years ago, and he's got his own stuff that we're working on." He squeezed her hands. "You know me," he said, not meaning better or best but simply innately, inside and out. "What should I do?"
Rachel thought for a moment. "Learn some music theory," she said. "It's dry, but you already have the feel for it so you should be able to relate to it. You've written by ear before, you can learn why things work or not and understand your instincts better." She smiled. "And write," she said. "That's what prose writers tell people who ask them how to be a writer - writers write. You don't have to make it a major career choice yet, you can just do it and see how it goes. Look into colleges for the fall, there are excellent music programs, Alex could help you with that. Work on arrangements for the band, if you have ideas," she continued. "You said Daryl's much more open to input now, right? And Scott wants to work on things too, so there's that if you want it. Any of it, even all of it."
Finn nodded. "Yeah. I definitely want to keep performing too."
"You should, you're magnetic, and you come so alive on stage. It also helps you tap into your instincts, the way you adapt when you sing has always been extraordinary. You know what works, you always have."
"I guess now I know I know it." He swallowed. "If I write something - when I write something - will you sing it?" he asked hesitatingly. "For me, with me?"
"Of course." She gave him a tender smile. "Wild horses couldn't stop me from singing with you."
"I know it's a crutch, the other ones were for you and me too, but if I'm going to get into this..."
"It makes sense to start with how you've done it before," she completed. "And every composer has a favorite instrument, you don't need to be reluctant about that."
He moved a hand to touch her knee. "I wouldn't exactly think of you as 'my instrument'."
Rachel leaned close. "You don't like coaxing sounds from me? I thought you did," she teased, then giggled as he blushed. "You're a virtuoso. Though we'll keep those concerts private."
He grinned, happy, and she could feel his tension gone. What remained was a sureness, Finn coming into his own at last, content for now to simply enjoy the insight into himself and his future possibilities. "I'm so grateful for you," he said, softly. "For what you've done, believing in me and encouraging me, but more than anything that you're here with me for all of it. Back then, for going along with it when I just showed up and said I'd do the music, and every time since then." He stroked down from her shoulder to bring his hand to the small of her back.
"'Don't Stop Believing' was a key step for me too, you know," she responded, relaxing into his arm around her. "Not just because of how I felt, singing with you, but - it was the first time I wasn't really imitating. I wasn't singing something the way I'd heard it."
"Well it wasn't the sort of thing you'd been doing before."
"Yes, and that was important, all the different things we did in Glee stretched me musically, but it was so much more than that. Your arrangement, that it had been rearranged and had those harmonies, it meant I didn't have something to copy, I had to put in my own expression. I wasn't singing as if I was Barbra Streisand or Patti LuPone or Celine Dion, or playing some character I'd seen like Fanny Brice or Evita, I was singing as Rachel Berry. Me." She smiled up at him softly. "And once I started, I found that Rachel Berry had a lot to sing about." She shifted on the bed, turning to face him more fully. "What I'm saying is, even with my experience, I started finding myself musically right then too, at the same time you did, and it was thanks to you."
"Really?" Finn looked at Rachel, wonder and love in his face and voice, and she nodded. "I never thought about it like that."
"I didn't either, not without connecting it all up. But when I look back, you've always been the one who helped me find my voice. Music brought me you, and together you and music brought me me."
"The one and only Rachel Berry."
Rachel blushed. "Yes." She moved closer, putting her arm around his neck. "Right where she found herself and where she should be, with the one and only Finn Hudson."
Forget about needing to grow apart, she thought. We're meant to grow together. We grow best together. Now we can.
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