There Sam stood, in front of the boy who asked her the ultimate question.
"Do you really love me?"
"No matter what I say it's gonna mean something that I don't want it to mean."
"Okay, if you say no, what does it mean."
"It means that all these vibes or emotions I've been giving off have been a lie."
"And if you say yes."
"Then it means you might expect things from me because I don't know what comes next."
"Like sex?"
"Yeah, and I'm not there yet."
"And you think because I'm a guy, I'm there too."
"And you said it…yesterday before class and then you put your feelings into a story in front of the class."
"So I'm open with emotions, what's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, it's great that you are. But…I'm not."
"And I love that you're not."
"You do?"
"Yeah…it's great. And when you're ready…it will come out…and hopefully to me."
"Me too." Rick saw the look of sleep in her eyes. "I'm gonna let you get some sleep. I have a ton of homework."
"I had a busy day…lots of feelings."
"Same here…night Sammy…with two syllables." He kissed on the cheek and left the building.
Sam walked into her dorm room, Gigi was already asleep…it was only after nine.
"Great, I have a roommate who sleeps at nine…I have no life."
"I'm not sleeping." Gigi stated from under the blanket.
Sam lifted the blanket up. "Why are you fully dressed, with shoes on and under the blanket?"
"So in case you had a bad date or whatever that was you wouldn't feel like you had to talk about it couldn't just hang out by yourself."
"It wasn't a date…more like a confrontation."
"Problems already brewing in the relationship?"
"No, I just left him this voicemail and he asked me about it and it felt like I was being cornered at first…it's no big deal now."
"So do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really…I just want to sleep…forever."
"Forever only lasts about eight hours…class is in the morning."
"Tomorrow is Monday, I don't have class until noon."
"Which class?"
"Intro to psychology."
"Alright, night."
"Goodnight Gigi."
Sam was starring at her notes by the small book light attached to her bed. A big test was coming up and she had not studied for it. Her thoughts have been with Rick and not school. Brooke and Julian both would flip out if they knew she was struggling because of a guy. There's only three weeks left until the holidays and that's after exams. Everything was piling up and building up and…Sam just had to get out of there.
Rick got out of his warm bed at the persistent knocking.
Sam smiled. "Oh this is too good…you wear bugs bunny boxers and a matching t shirt."
"Hey Sam…it's the middle of the night, why are you here, not that I'm not happy that you are here, but it's the middle of the night."
"I have a really big test in psychology tomorrow and I don't know any of it and it's freaking me out that I don't know anything anymore except when our dates are and the semester is ending and it's all just piling up."
"Did you want to come in or just break up with me at the door."
"I'll choose option A."
Sam sat down in the chair.
"How did you get a single?"
"My dad."
"Ah…makes sense."
"So, what is this about you and the semester ending."
"Spending time with you is wonderful and you know that. It's just school has recently become my second priority lately and it has to be my first."
"So we are breaking up."
"No, we're not, trust me, I don't want that…I love you, I don't want that. I just want us to be able to be with each other without having everything else piling up and we don't notice it until it's too late."
"So what do you want to do, I'm not getting anything from this."
"I know you wanted us to go to the music thing this weekend, but I'm gonna have to back out and study."
"So you're getting an A in relationship and a not so good grade in school."
"Exactly and I don't want it to be that way. I don't want it to be the opposite of that, but I want both to be balanced, if that's possible."
"So what are the terms…since you're calling this out that you need some time to yourself."
"After tomorrow, after I take my big test in psych, I'll call you. I have a big course load tomorrow and I just need some time to think about it for a second and realize what I need to do."
"We'll still see each other."
"Yeah, we'll call, we'll write, we'll do everything we did before…just a little bit less of."
"Because there is another thing that's coming up, it's in a couple of weeks."
"What's that?"
"My dad is coming to visit and he wants to meet you."
"I get to meet your dad and charm his pants off…how fun."
"He's hated all my other girlfriends, you will be no different. He takes pride in pointing out your faults."
"Then I'll just have to be on my best behavior."
Sam shut the door behind her and then let the tears fall down her face…she dialed the number.
Brooke picked up her cell phone quickly. "Sam, are you okay, it's really late."
"I just need someone to tell me I'm not a complete idiot."
"Sam, what's wrong? Did Rick say something to you, your friends?"
"No, it's what I did. I have all this mounting, like tests and the semester is ending and I told Rick that I need to focus on school and he has this idea we're breaking up."
"Well is that what you want?"
"No, God, I love him and it's so hard to be with him right now."
Brooke took a deep breath. "Sam, school is the number one priority, you do know that."
"Yeah, that's the reason why I'm sitting in the living room of his dorm crying to you wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life. Did I do something wrong, are we gonna end up breaking up?"
"Sam, Sam…I wish I had an answer for you honey, but I don't. It's something you and Rick have to figure out. I'm glad you took a stand and focused on school."
"Julian left and you got back together, so it will work, right?"
"I don't know. How long did you think of taking this break?"
"It's not a break it's more like a, not seeing each other so much, but yeah, it's a breakup if you think about it."
"Just don't get too comfortable with not having him around. I've never met Rick, but he seems like a really nice guy who really needs to feel that you want him in your life…all the way and not just when you have time for him."
"But what if I don't…NYU is not exactly as easy as I thought."
"Then I will be here for you, in the middle of the night, no matter what if that happens…I'll even sit with you in your dorm room until you cry it out if you want…but not until after you make the decisions you need to make."
"So basically I'm an adult with adult problems that have to be solved by me."
"Yeah. You're growing up. You're not this girl who is confused about whether to live with me or with Jack in a shelter. This is real…you have to know it."
"I so want to trade places with Leighann right now, have everyone take care of me…do everything for me."
"Right now, I don't think so."
"Why?"
"Well she's sleeping now, but Julian and I have been up with her all night trying to get the cough to stop and get her fever down."
"Is she okay?"
"She's fine, she and daddy are sleeping just fine." Brooke started to laugh.
"Tell…dad…and Leighann I love them both, and I'll call them later…thanks…mom."
"You're welcome…daughter. So you call me in the middle of the night if this happens again…I want to be awake for these things?"
"Don't worry, you'll be the first one I call."
"Goodnight Samantha."
"Goodnight Brooke."
The next morning Julian came down the stairs with Leighann cradled in his arms and soundly sleeping.
"Did you talk to me about something last night, I remember you talking, but I was kind of out of it."
"No, but Sam called…in the middle of the night."
Julian looked up at Brooke just after sitting down at the table with Leighann still attached. "Is she okay?"
"Yeah, but I don't think her heart is. I think it's kind of broken."
"What did he do?"
"No, it's what she did. Apparently Sam is figuring out that you can't have it all."
"Like what?"
"NYU isn't a piece of cake and I think she's falling behind and Rick is the reason for it."
"Did she say that."
"Yeah, pretty much. She took a stand and said they shouldn't see each other so much."
"Ouch…that hurts."
"She called me just after it happened and her heart was broken. So badly I wanted to get into the car and drive to her and just tell her it'll be okay and not leave until the sun came up."
"We can't protect her like she's…" Julian pointed to Leighann. "This."
"That's what I said and seriously, if I had to say it again, I'd cry. I can't stand it that she's hurting and there's nothing I can do."
"Has she called this morning?"
"No, not a word or email, nothing."
"Then we have to hope that she's okay and makes the right decisions."
"I just worry about what if she doesn't."
"Then we take action. But right now, she's having a college experience."
"But why does her heart have to get broken?"
"Because if you don't know the bad stuff, then the good stuff will never be good."
Leighann started to wake up, smiling up at Julian.
"Like this being the good stuff." He smiled down at his daughter. "Morning." She snuggled up to him, pointing her tiny finger to Julian's toast. Julian let Leighann hold the piece of toast as she took tiny little bites. "Good?" She smiled.
"Now this makes me happy."
Brooke was in a meeting and kept looking at her phone to make sure Sam hasn't called. She's already taken several breaks to call her voicemail and to call Sam's cell phone to check in on her. Finally the lunch hour was called and Brooke darted out the room quickly. She dialed the number.
"Hey Brooke…you finally caught me, I did get your fifteen voicemails you left me and the nine text messages. I am alive."
"Then why don't you answer your phone."
"Well, I have class and then class and then more class as the cherry on top."
"I just wanted to ask if everything was okay…you know from last night."
"Yeah it is. A good night's sleep did me good…well all three hours of it."
"Has Rick said anything to you?"
"No, I'm gonna try and call him tonight and I don't know. I'm just playing it one day at a time."
"So you're really okay, because last night…"
"I'm doing fine. It was just the shock of thinking that Rick was out of my life completely."
"Good to here. I have to go, I'll be in a meeting. And tomorrow, another grand therapy session."
"Wait I thought since you and Julian were…you and Julian…that therapy was over."
"Nope, it goes on for a long time. Apparently you're not just cured when you make things okay. The therapist has to witness it."
"Well if you two just act the way you do at home, she'll see that everything is just fine."
"Oh, Julian was wondering this weekend if you wanted to meet in Manhattan for dinner. It's about thirty minutes from school, is that okay?"
"Yeah…but I really have to go…talking on the phone and books…it's not pretty."
"I will talk to you later…bye."
"Goodbye Brooke." Sam threw her cell phone in her bag.
Sam walked into the building and saw Rick talking to a girl. She promised herself and Rick she wasn't going to be one of these jealous girlfriends who got mad at the sign of him talking to another girl. He turned around, smiled at Sam and said goodbye to the girl.
"Hey."
"Hi."
"You know that jealous look you have so does not work for you."
"I'm not jealous, I'm not a jealous type."
"Oh, you aren't. So color are her earrings?"
"Brown, but they were totally too big for her, I mean hoops are so out like in the 90s."
"You saw her for like ten seconds, you totally noticed her."
"I did not…okay so I did, so what, so I notice things."
"Foreget about that…how was the Psych test?" They were walking through the hallways, trying not to make eye contact.
"Aced it…surprisingly."
"See, you did study."
"Yeah because I crammed and stayed up all night. Now I'm irritated and cranky and it's because I'm really tired."
"So I guess that means our not seeing each other so much is still going on."
"Just until the week ends. I just need to get some papers done and make sure they're good and my average goes…below average."
"Sure…I have to get going anyway. I have Trig."
"But you never go to class, you claim that you can ace that class and not even be there."
"Well I need something to fill up my time before the week ends."
"I feel like I just woke up and haven't been able to catch my breath."
"Things are still hectic?"
"Yeah, being a freshman."
"I'm sure it'll get easier, it has to…right?"
"It can't get much harder."
"I hope not."
Sam saw that she had a substitute teacher, meaning no real assignment.
"To ditch or not to ditch, that is the question."
"I don't need Trig."
Sam laid her books on Rick's desk after coming into his room.
"This room seems really different then last night."
"You're a different person."
"I suppose."
She turned around, looked up at him.
"You're being really great about this distance thing."
"If it's what you want, I can't stand in your way."
She was leaning against his dresser. "You know the sex thing, I said I wasn't ready and you'd be the first to know."
"Yeah." He walked back over to her…looking down at her.
"Well…this wasn't the exact moment I was planning on…"
He placed a light kiss on her lips. "You're not ready."
"Wait a second…the other day you talking about when the time is right, well…"
"Because we ditched class and we're here in my dorm room, Sam that doesn't make a perfect moment, not for me."
"Then what does? What makes it the perfect moment?"
"Because when I'm with you…I just want it to be for a few hours…I want it to last for a really, really long time."
"Now I feel like an idiot."
"You shouldn't. I'm just glad you're still thinking about it."
"I haven't stopped thinking about it."
"Good, don't. Because when it happens, it's right for the both of us."
He opened up his door.
"Are you kicking me out?"
"No, but we're taking a little field trip."
"A field trip, this is so ninth grade."
They walked into the clinic, Sam finally got up the courage.
"This is really embarrassing…"
The nurse smiled at her. "Birth control or condoms."
She could feel her face turning red. "Both?"
"I can give you three packs of each, anything further you will have to see a doctor on staff."
"Thanks."
"And this too."
Sam looked at the package. "What's this for."
"A list of numbers to call if you have questions and a list to write down previous partners."
"Oh, okay. Thanks."
Sam punched Rick in the arm.
"That was so embarrassing, why did you make me do that?"
"Sam, just because you're ready or you feel ready doesn't mean you are. It's not always the guy's responsibility to have protection. This shows you are ready or at least look ready."
"This proves nothing."
"Actually Sam, it proves a lot. And the fact that you haven't figured that out yet means we have a lot of time before you're really ready."
"Yeah, I should never have asked."
