Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does. I do however own chapter 28 and here it is! Sorry it's taken so long, there was a bit of a mix up with my beta, she didn't realise I sent it to her a while ago and she's had a manic time recently.
A/N: Thank you to my beta 4StringQueen for clearing it all up for me. And thank yous and tackle hugs to my pre-reader Weezy (Nostalgicmiss) who kicks my butt when I try to give up!
Thank you to everyone who reviews each chapter, I love you all you make me so happy! Sorry this A/N is so rubbish but Glee is on the telly and I'm not ashamed to say I'm hooked on this programme!
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Chapter 28
If I wait for cloudy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know that I still love you
So though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from heaven
Will never wash away my misery
But since we're not together
I'll wait for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you'll never see
Crying in the rain - A-Ha
Bella POV
"Alfie!" I shouted, as I sped my way across the grass to where he was sat under our usual tree, in his usual pose with his guitar in his hands. There was a woman sitting beside him with straight jet black hair pulled into a ponytail down her back and a very familiar pair of piercing blue eyes. She had to be Alfie's mom. He looked up at me when he heard me approaching and smiled widely at me, putting down his guitar on the grass beside him and standing up just in time for me to cannon into him, rugby tackling him to the ground and hugging him tightly.
"I missed you, Alfie," I said as we sat up, laughing and brushing the debris from the ground off our clothes. Alfie turned towards the woman who was still sitting, watching us with a wide smile which lit up her face exactly the way that Alfie's did.
"Bella, this is my mom." He gestured towards her as she made to get up and held out her hand for me to shake.
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Bella," she said, taking my hand in hers and shaking it enthusiastically. "We've heard so much about you over Christmas; I haven't known Alfie be so animated over a friend in a long time." A shadow crept across her face as her words faltered slightly. I knew where her mind had gone and felt instantly sorry for making them think of something that made them both so sad.
"It's a pleasure to meet you too, Mrs Draycott."
"Oh please, dear. Call me Maggie. Mrs Draycott makes me feel so old." She released my hand with a smile, clouting Alfie playfully around the head when he muttered jokingly that she was old.
"Maggie," I repeated, giggling lightly.
"Did you have a good Christmas, Bella?" Alfie questioned, his eyes landing on the ring which was dangling from its chain around my neck. I gripped it in my hand, helpless to the grin which cracked my face.
"I did; it was perfect," I winked at him happily. "How about you?"
"Yeah it was good," he replied. Something in his tone told me that maybe he hadn't enjoyed his time away as much as I had.
"I'm going to get off now, Alfie love. Your father is waiting in the car and you know how impatient he gets. I'll see you again soon, sweetheart, ok?" She kissed him on the cheek in a motherly gesture that made me glad that at least one of his parents seemed to accept him for who he was.
"Right... OK mom. I'll see you soon I guess." He couldn't hide the disappointment from his voice that she was leaving so soon, and I caught a pained look flash across her face before she hid it behind a bright smile aimed at me.
"It was lovely to meet you, Bella dear."
"You too, Mrs Dr- Maggie," I corrected myself hastily, causing her smile to widen as she patted my arm softly. "You take care of yourself dear," she finished kindly, before heading off towards the building and to the parking lot outside the gates. Alfie watched after her with sad eyes until she disappeared inside, leaving us standing in silence. The only sound was the breeze which rustled the trees and the distant hum of the traffic from the highway nearby.
"He proposed then?" he questioned softly, his feet scuffing the grass as he smiled at me shyly.
"He did." I allowed the huge grin to take over my face once more, the way it did every time I thought about marrying Edward.
"That's great, B. I'm really happy for you."
"Tell it to your face then," I teased, hoping to make him smile properly. I was rewarded with a half-hearted grimace, which just made him look even sadder than before.
"Are you ok, Alfie?" I questioned softly, placing my hand on his arm gently.
"Yes," he whispered, so quietly that I could barely hear it. His eyes stared absently into the distance where the tree covered hills loomed, dark and menacing against the dull grey sky. It wasn't raining yet but the clouds were heavy and straining against the moisture that was saturating them.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I tilted my head to one side, meeting his averted gaze with mine, trying to show him with my eyes that there was no pressure. But he looked so sad, and I knew from experience how suffocating it could be to be hurting and to keep it all locked away inside.
His expression softened slightly and he attempted a small smile, his feet still scuffing relentlessly at the ground. His beaten up, once bright red, Converse kicked up mounds of grass as he seemed to contemplate my offer.
"It's ok, B. I'm fine, really. I just don't like being at home I guess." The heavy sigh that rolled from his chest suggested that his Christmas hadn't been the fun family affair that mine had.
"Your dad?" I pressed, hoping that I wasn't pushing my luck.
"He just... doesn't get it," he whispered, his expression pleading me to understand. I nodded sympathetically, putting my arm around his waist and leaning my head on his torso in what I hoped was a gesture of solidarity.
"I'm sorry, Alfie. He doesn't know what he's missing out on if he isn't taking the time to get to know his own son properly. You're amazing, Alfie. Don't ever let anybody make you feel any different." The arm he had rested lightly round my shoulders increased its grip ever so slightly and when I looked up I was appalled to see that he had tears streaming down his face.
"I'm not, Bella. I'm not good enough to be friends with somebody like you, but I'm too selfish to let you go." In a flash his arm was gone from around my shoulder and his hands were gripping my shoulders fiercely, though not painfully. "Don't let me hurt you, Bella. I couldn't bear it. I..." He trailed off as his entire body collapsed in grief filled sobs and he crashed to his knees on the soft grass beneath us.
Horrified, I dropped to my knees beside him and threw my body awkwardly around his and held him to me tightly, shushing him gently. One hand rubbed his heaving back as he allowed his pain to fall steadily from his eyes.
"Sshh, Alfie. It's going to be ok." I attempted comfort, while internally knowing that it was likely to be fruitless. His body shuddered in my embrace, the flow of tears showing no sign of abating.
"I'm sorry, Dana. I'm so fucking sorry!" He almost shouted through the sobs that racked his body.
I had no idea how to respond to that. I racked my brain for appropriate words of comfort and kept coming up empty. Nothing. No words seemed appropriate for the grief that he was experiencing, so I just held him and allowed him to cry until he couldn't cry anymore.
Who knows how long we sat there? Alfie's heartbreaking cries were the only sounds breaking the tranquility of the cool air around us. After an infinite amount of time, his body stilled in my arms and the sobs stopped, though I could still feel his tears soaking through my shirt.
"It wasn't you, Alfie." He slowly looked up at me with wide red-rimmed eyes, which screamed disbelief. "You didn't kill her. I know you feel like you failed her, but you didn't. He did. He was supposed to take care of her, to cherish her like she deserved to be cherished. He killed her, Alfie. Not you. Please believe me; you don't know how much comfort you probably brought to her just by being her friend."
"She could have told me. Fuck! Why didn't she tell me, Bella? I could have helped her--got her out of there. Something. I don't know. Anything. Why didn't she trust me, Bella?"
I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I was potentially about to reveal, but knowing that my friend needed me in that moment no matter how uncomfortable a subject it might have been for me.
"Because he made her feel like you would reject her if she told you. It's what he does. He makes you feel like what he's doing to you is your fault so that you're too afraid, too ashamed to speak out."
The heavy silence hung in the air as he processed what I was saying to him. I forced myself to keep my eyes trained on his, though everything within me was crying out to hide my face behind my hair the way I usually did when I was ashamed.
"Bella?" he started, after a moment that had stretched out into infinity.
I dropped my eyes down to the grass beneath us, fixing them on one of the small areas of grass displaced by Alfie's Converse. I could feel his eyes boring into me and could almost hear the cogs of his brain turning as he started to piece together what I was telling him.
"Jack," he whispered. His voice was suddenly alight with realization. "When I told you about Dana, you heard his name and you freaked out." I nodded, keeping my eyes averted and fought against the tears that were stinging at my eyelids. I heard him moving toward me and before I knew what was happening his warm hands were encasing my face, pulling it up gently to meet his stunned gaze.
"Bella, tell me he didn't. Please..." He trailed off when my expression told him everything he needed to know. "FUCK!" he shouted, startling me slightly before pulling me into his chest and cradling me there, his chest rippling with sobs once more. I hugged him back tightly; sad that what I had revealed had upset him more than he had been already. I couldn't even reassure him that Jack was behind bars-- that he would get his comeuppance, because that was no longer the case. The fact was that he was out there somewhere with crimson eyes and a lust for blood, and he was mad. Mad at me. I got him locked up; I told what he told me never to tell. I had broken every rule he ever made and now he was free and he was coming for me. I was certain of that.
"She trusted you, Alfie. If she allowed you to be a part of her life, allowed you near her, and let you hug her, then she trusted you. There's no way that she would have done that if she didn't. Not after what he..." I trailed off, not really wanting to go there.
"I'm sorry he hurt you, Bella. I'm so so sorry." I pulled back out of his arms slightly and smiled at him reassuringly.
"It's not your fault, Alfie. None of it was ever your fault. Stop punishing yourself for what he did. I swear. You and Edward are two of a kind!" I chuckled slightly to myself at the similarity.
"What do you mean?"
"He blames himself for things that aren't his fault too."
"Can I see the ring?" He asked, a small but genuine smile gracing his lips. I unclasped the chain from my neck and dropped the small but beautiful ring into the palm of his hand where he held it and inspected it closely. "It's beautiful," he handed it back to me, smiling. "He's a good guy; he'll take care of you, and his father... he's a good man."
I raised my eyebrows at his mention of Carlisle, he had been keeping whatever connection he had to him very close to his chest and of course Carlisle would never betray a confidence.
"You've met him before." It wasn't a question. That much had been obvious when they had met that day before Christmas. He didn't answer, just nodded once again staring at the hills.
"Relax, Alfie. I'm not going to ask." I reassured him.
"He saved my life," he murmured, so quietly that I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.
"He did?"
"He seemed to think it was worth saving."
"And you didn't?" I asked, startled by the bitterness in his voice as he started to tear at the grass with his fingers this time, the way he had once before.
"At the time - not so much. If I'd thought my life was worth saving it wouldn't have been in danger in the first place."
"You...?"
"Yes." He answered, sharply, cutting me off, and then "yes," quieter this time.
My mind reeled with the idea that my friend, the amazing guy who took me under his wing when I first arrived at Riverside House had once tried to take his own life. I groped around in my brain for something, anything to say, but drew a complete blank. As the silence drew out longer and longer I could sense him shifting uncomfortably beside me. I knew I needed to say something before he started to think that I couldn't handle it.
What was it they always said? Actions speak louder than words? That could work.
I leaned forward, drawing level with where he was kneeling, still tearing at the grass, his fingers starting to become sore with the repeated motion. I took his hand, stopping him from destroying the lawn and held it in mine. I rubbed over the sore areas tenderly, trying to convey how I felt about the idea of a world without Alfie silently, since words were failing me.
He looked up at me finally; his eyes alight with something akin to hope, an eyebrow quirked at me in question, when I smiled reassuringly at him.
"For what it's worth, Alfie, I'm really glad that Carlisle saved you. I think you were worth saving too."
His sarcastic sharp exhale at that frightened me and I gripped his hand tighter in mine shooting him a disapproving look.
"You still don't think so?" I questioned him, my eyebrows raised in concern. He didn't answer, but just shrugged his shoulders non-committally and looked away into the distance once more. "Alfie, look at me, please," I pleaded with him. He moved his face to meet my eyes briefly before casting them back out to the liberation of the world outside the gates. "Okay, don't look at me. Look at you. Look at all the amazing things that you just don't see about yourself." He snorted, never taking his eyes off the horizon.
"I mean it, Alfie. You don't see it?"
He was looking at me, finally, but his face was skeptical, one eyebrow quirked at me in an almost sarcastic enquiry.
"You want a list? 'Cause I will give you one if you do," I almost barked at him, my heart hurting for the despair in his eyes.
"Do you know how long it's been since I allowed a male I didn't know to touch me? Do you know how hard it is for me to even shake hands with members of the opposite sex sometimes? And yet I just rugby tackled you to the ground. I hug you all the time. I feel safe with you. Do you have any idea how big that is? Alfie, it's huge. It speaks volumes about you, about who you are, and how I see you. I'm a good judge of character. After living with him,I learned to be. I wouldn't trust you unless you were worthy of being trusted. You probably aren't perfect, but show me somebody who is! All I know is that from the moment I met you, or rather barreled into you in the corridor, you've been nothing but sweet and kind to me, and you were just exactly the person I needed to meet. So I'm grateful to Carlisle for saving you. I'm grateful to him for making sure I had a friend in this place, a friend who means the world to me."
I took a deep breath, holding him in a stern gaze and waiting for him to react as a stunned silence echoed around us for a long moment that could have been seconds or could have been hours.
"Bella..you...I...I mean... I.." He shook his head, his eyes rotating as he did, steadfastly refusing to stop gaping at me. He continued to gaze at me, his mouth opening and closing as though he was clambering for something to say. I sat patiently, his hand still in mine, my thumb rubbing his soothingly as his silence stretched out uncomfortably around us.
The wind picked up as we sat. It gusted through the leaves of the evergreen tree we were sheltered under. The soft rustling was the only sound as Alfie's mouth continued to grasp for words.
Eventually his soft voice broke the peace, his mouth finally finding the words he was grasping for.
"You mean the world to me too, Bella."
That was the moment the clouds burst open, as though the weather was punctuating our conversation. Thick teardrops from heaven poured down, landing on the thin pine needles and dripping through the gaps they left, our natural shelter betraying us to the elements.
Alfie's face turned up towards the dripping sky, a small wistful smile creeping over his tear-stained face.
"You like the rain?" I queried, amazed by the smile that had overtaken his expression.
"The rain comes down and washes everything away. The world smells fresh and new when the rain has been," he replied, almost in a trance as he kept his head thrown back, allowing the heavy droplets to scroll down his face and neck, his spiky black hair shining with the damp.
"Alfie, your guitar is getting wet," I pointed out, knowing how much he cherished the instrument. His eyes darted to where it still lay under the tree, the heavy raindrops falling onto it and landing inside the hollow center. His expression was pained as his eyes moved quickly between his prized possession and the rain-drenched sky. It became clear to me how much he just wanted to stand in the downpour and be. His guitar meant the world to him, so if he was willing to see it damaged in order to enjoy the precipitation on his face then it was clearly important to him in that moment.
"I'll take it in for you; you'll be ok out here?" He looked at me through the soaked tendrils of his hair, which hung down in front of his eyes.
"You don't have to do that, Bella."
"I know, but I have to go in anyway. I haven't checked back in properly yet and I have to have a check up apparently." He flashed me a grateful smile and pushed his guitar into my hands, pecking a chaste kiss on my cheek in thanks and I left him to enjoy the rain in a way I couldn't hope to understand.
I paused in the doorway, turning to look at the gates but there was nobody there. I knew that Edward would be out there somewhere. He had promised me that when he wasn't by my side he would be out there, patrolling, making sure that I was safe.
"Come in out of the rain, Edward. I won't be long," I spoke at a normal volume, hoping that wherever he was it was loud enough for him to hear.
Once I had checked back in at reception, I had to go for a check up with one of the doctors, a woman with long dark hair and wearing heels which would have spelt six to eight weeks in plaster for me if I had tried so much as standing up in them.
"Isabella, my name is Doctor Reynolds, I just need to do a few tests, ask a few questions to make sure that everything is ok after your break. Is that alright?" She smiled a wide smile, which failed to light up her perfectly made up face, before reaching for my notes off the desk which separated us.
"OK," I replied softly, the perfect specimen in front of me immediately reducing my self esteem to just above zero.
She stepped forward from behind the desk, one perfectly manicured fingernail reaching out towards my face. I recoiled slightly, causing her to drop her finger and hesitate where she stood when I took a hasty step back from her.
"I just wanted to check under your eyes for signs of anemia. It's a simple test to save you having blood taken."
I fought to suppress the panic that had flooded through me at the sight of a complete stranger trying to touch me. This was a doctor -- a female doctor at that. She wasn't a danger to me. So why could I not stop my heart from pounding through my chest?
"I-I'm sorry," I stammered out over the deafening drum-beat of my heart. "C-couldn't Carli - Doctor Cullen do this?"
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise and she took a couple of steps back, her heels clicking loudly against the hard, wooden floor.
"Well yes. I mean - he could. I was just asked by Doctor Moore to do this. He was concerned that you would prefer a female doctor to examine you. I can call Doctor Cullen for you if you'd prefer." Her eyes had softened noticeably, her thick, black mascara coated lashes now framed a look of concern.
I sighed deeply, swinging my hair forward to hide my face as I nodded, ashamed to be calling Carlisle away from whatever he was doing, but afraid that the panic that had gripped me only moments before would return again if I allowed this stranger to do the tests.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, as she smiled kindly at me. Her eyes caught by the smile this time.
"It's no problem at all, sweetheart. I understand that it may be hard for you to trust somebody that you've never met before. I want you to know that I would never hurt you. Nobody here would. I know it's hard for you to let your guard down and I don't blame you in the slightest, but I swear to you that I want nothing more than to help you."
Her intense blue eyes sparkled with truth as she made to leave the room. I noted guiltily that she cut a wide berth around me as she left, shooting me another kind smile and leaving a faintly floral scent behind her.
I was still sat in the same position feeling a mixture of guilt and self loathing when I felt a hand land softly on my head and gently push my hair behind my ear.
"Bella, is everything alright? Doctor Reynolds called me and asked me to come." Carlisle's amber eyes were narrowed with concern, sending more guilt plunging through me like a knife.
"I'm sorry, Carlisle. I just... I couldn't." I shook my head and looked back down at the ground, praying to myself that he wouldn't be angry with me.
"Hey," he crooned at me softly, cupping my chin with his hand and nudging my face up to meet his. There was no anger in his eyes, only concern and curiosity. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm flattered that you trust me enough to allow me to do the tests. I'm happy to do what they require, but I want you to promise me that you will tell me if anything makes you uncomfortable or if you need a time-out at any point, ok?"
"I promise," I said quietly, smiling lightly into his sincere face.
The stethoscope was cold against the crease of my elbow as the fabric of the blood pressure cuff got tighter and tighter around my upper arm. Carlisle's face was concentrated as he listened out for the sounds, which would tell him what he needed to know. I had joked that he didn't really need to use the stethoscope, he could hear all he needed to without even having to strain his ears, but he just winked at me and told me that the façade was easier to maintain if he kept it up all the time. The cuff sighed as the air escaped from it once he had what he needed and he pulled it off my arm, the Velcro ripping apart noisily as he informed me that my blood pressure was perfect.
"You're doing well, Bella. Really well. I'm so proud of you. We all are. You're so strong fighting the way that you are; I know it must be difficult for you." I shrugged.
"Some days it's easy, and some days it's the hardest thing in the world. It terrifies me to think how far gone I was without even realizing it." Carlisle sighed as he sat down in the chair behind the desk.
"That's how anorexia works sadly. You believe that you're taking control. After the trauma that you've experienced, nobody could blame you for wanting to do that. But while you are trapped inside your own mind thinking that everything is fine and that you're destiny is finally in your own hands, your body is wasting away and you don't realize it. You can't see it. The day that you realized you had a problem was the day that you started to recover. Without realizing that you're in danger there can be no hope for recovery."
"Recovery..." I played the word aloud on my tongue, thinking of all that it could imply. Freedom. Freedom from being controlled by something that wasn't even real, freedom from the mental chains that bound me to the disease and it to me, and freedom from him and the hold he had on me and on my ability to cope day to day.
"Recovery," he repeated, smiling encouragingly at me. "Getting out of here… Coming home and starting your life with Edward… allowing yourself to be happy. You've amazed everybody. At one point we were terrified that we were going to lose you, but jut recently you've made beating this look easy."
"Easy?" I asked, shocked.
"From the outside looking in, yes."
"Huh!" Was the only response I was able to give, my surprise at how good a mask I was portraying taking my words away.
"Apparently you're a better actress than you think?" Carlisle's tone was interested, fatherly.
"Apparently so," I responded honestly. His eyebrow quirked at me expectantly, waiting for me to elaborate. "Anorexia is easy, Carlisle. When you're caught up in it you feel like you're flying--like you can achieve anything as long as you keep going, and keep pushing. It's fighting it that's hard. Some days I wake up and I want to fight, and it's... not easy, but not as hard. But some days I wake up and I just want to forget, to let it consume me, because that would be easier." He nodded in understanding, his expression slightly pained, though he tried to cover it up.
"What keeps you fighting?" he asked softly. I considered his question carefully, so many things springing to mind. The most obvious reason to fight was Edward. But there was more than that. I had a fiancée who loved me, a family who cared about me, and a future ahead of me, where once I could see nothing but darkness, pain and fear.
"A life worth living," I whispered, a small smile creeping delicately over my face, mirroring the one that had settled on his.
A gentle tapping at the door broke the pleasant peacefulness which had surrounded us and around the door popped the face that I wanted to see most in the world.
"Edward." I smiled, jumping out of my seat and almost taking it with me in my haste to be in his arms again.
"Mind if I steal her away, Carlisle?" he asked, pulling me tenderly into his arms and planting a soft kiss on the end of my nose.
"She's all yours." Carlisle beamed, waving us off with a wink.
We lay side by side on the small white bed in my bedroom, his arm around my shoulders and we talked. We talked about everything. We talked about Jacob, and Alfie. We talked about the werewolves and the possibility of some sort of alliance with them. We talked about the future and what we both wanted. We talked about Victoria and the fact that she and Jack were coming and I was honest with him. I told him how afraid I was of seeing him again. Afraid of him hurting me – yes, but also afraid of what the simple sight of his face or the smell of him could do to me. What it could do to my recovery. I could still remember every single word he had said to me--every word that was perfectly crafted to make me hate myself, and make me feel inadequate. The words still echoed around my head, though some days they were easier to ignore than others and I wanted to be free of them. I wanted to be free from all the insecurities and fears that I felt. I wanted to be free to move on and be happy. I told him everything: every doubt and every fear that plagued me, knowing that I needed to be honest with him in order for our relationship to work.
"Edward, I'm afraid," I whispered into his side, where my head was burrowed comfortably.
"I know, Bella. I'm going to do everything I can to protect you," he replied, running his fingers through my hair and trailing down my back.
"No, I'm scared that I can't... that I won't be able to..." I couldn't get out the words that I needed him to hear. I needed him to know so that it didn't come as a shock to him when the time came. He rolled onto his side so that he was facing me, my face no longer hidden in his side but open to his scrutiny.
"Tell me, Bella. It's me, just me. There's nothing for you to be afraid of here," he cupped my face with his hand, running his thumb lovingly across the apple of my cheek as he spoke. I stared back at him, taking in the love in his eyes, the beauty of his form and tried to convince myself that it would be alright, and that I could handle this and it wouldn't be a problem. But I was kidding myself.
"The wedding night, Edward. I'm scared." I buried my face in his chest, not wanting to see his expression or for him to see mine. I felt his chest rise as he took a deep breath, comprehension of what I was talking about dawning on him. His arms drew around me, pulling me tighter into his chest, the safety of him surrounding me completely.
"Bella, I don't want you to worry about that. I don't want sex to ever be something that you feel pressured into again. If and when it happens for us, it will be on your terms and in your own time. I don't ever want you to feel like you have to do anything with me that makes you uncomfortable. I love you, Bella. I just want you to be happy." His hand was in my hair, massaging my scalp lightly with his long slender fingers. I relaxed into his embrace, his words comforting me, and easing my fears the way that only he could.
"I love you too, Edward." I spoke into his chest, the arms encircling me making the world fall away. All the fear for what the future held flew away like leaves on the wind the way that his touch always could. "Always."
"Always," he repeated, pulling my face up. His lips met mine in a tender and loving kiss, which made me somehow feel like the only woman in the world.
Thank you for reading!
Recommendation: The Unaccompanied Soul by JMCullen09 is so sweet and heartbreaking. She's an incredibly talented writer and a complete sweetheart to boot. Go, read it! You won't regret it, I promise! :D
