Chapter 28
It was a strange sort of stasis the group seemed to be in for the next day. Tim slept and didn't awaken beyond momentary twinges that would cause him to stir and then fall asleep once more. The rescue had happened as it should...but what next? Kort hadn't come storming the library and none of them knew why. They weren't complaining, but they were surprised. Abby found herself drawn to Erin and Tobias, wanting to speak with them, be there with two people who represented what could have happened to her. Ziva remained aloof from everyone, choosing to hide herself among the books rather than to speak. Ducky (and Jimmy when he had arrived, laden with a number of things Ducky had requested he bring from the house) stayed with Tim, waiting for him to awaken. Gibbs was reading. He had slept but he was reading Thom's books and was not in the mood for conversation. It was an experience for him...sitting and reading. He hadn't done it in years...and he was really getting to know the person he'd risked his life to rescue.
Tony, on the other hand, was trying to find something to do, but he just couldn't. He was feeling antsy...and incredibly anxious. He had very firmly placed himself outside the law...and that was somewhere he'd never wanted to be. He just couldn't settle on anything...so he walked back to Tim's room.
"Jimmy, you can go and get some sleep. I'll stay here."
"I'm not that tired, Uncle Don."
Ducky's laughter was soft and kind. "You were half asleep just moments ago, lad. I will wait. Are you doing all right? No problems being here?"
"A little."
"Then, you should definitely go and sleep. You'll only get worse otherwise."
"All right. I feel so bad about..."
"He doesn't blame you, Jimmy. You shouldn't blame yourself."
"I know."
"Go to sleep."
"Yes...sir."
"Impudent."
Jimmy laughed and Tony had to jump back as he came out of the room. There was an expression on Jimmy's face that Tony felt he had seen before. He just couldn't place it. He put it out of his mind, however, and walked in to see Ducky, looking very tired, sitting beside the bed where Tim was still sleeping.
"Ducky?" he asked softly.
Ducky jumped a little. "Oh, Anthony, I thought you would be Jimmy coming back again."
"No. You want to get some sleep? You must have been here since we put McGee down on the bed."
"Oh, I couldn't impose."
Tony laughed. "Impose?"
Ducky caught the irony and laughed as well. "I am, I must confess, rather tired."
"I'll sit with him."
Ducky nodded gratefully. "You all have done more than I could ever have asked. I am not sure that Tim will ever express any gratitude, but I will. Thank you."
Tony shrugged. "It was the right thing to do."
"Yes, well, that doesn't always mean anything." Ducky began to walk out, hobbling just a little. "If he does awaken, be sure to get him to drink some water at least. He must be dehydrated."
"I will."
Tony settled himself for a long, silent wait...but it was only about two hours before Tim finally woke up. His eyes opened with the slow speed of the injured and he seemed confused at first about seeing Tony and about where he was.
"Hey, McGee, welcome back," Tony said.
Tim swallowed and nodded silently, eyes still moving warily about the room.
"I'm under strict orders from Ducky to make you drink some water. Are you thirsty?"
Another nod and Tim began trying to sit up. It was painful to watch and so Tony simply reached out and helped. Tim tensed but didn't protest. He did take the glass from Tony's hands and drank on his own, although he began coughing almost immediately, forcing Tony to rescue it before Tim soaked his blankets.
"You okay?"
Tim coughed a few more times and then nodded mutely again, reaching out for the glass.
"Okay, but drink more carefully this time."
There was a faint smile and Tim took another long drink...but slowly. He drained the glass before letting Tony reclaim it.
"You hungry at all?"
Tim thought about it and shook his head.
"Still thirsty?"
Another shake.
"Okay. You forget how to talk?"
Another small smile as Tim shook his head...without speaking.
"Feeling any better?"
Tim's eyes closed and he nodded, breathing deeply...no doubt remembering in horrible detail just what he was recovering from.
"Is all this worth it?"
"Worth what?" Tim asked, his voice was very soft.
"Ha! I knew I could get you to say something."
Another tentative smile. "Worth what?"
"You having to go through all that with Kort and all."
"I'd go through worse."
"Why?"
"Does it matter? You didn't have to go through it," Tim said.
"Yes, it does matter. I need to understand."
Tim shrugged...but then thought for a moment before asking a question himself. "You ever watch any of the really old movies, Tony? You said you're a movie guy. You ever watch the ones before the Descent?"
"Not really. I don't have the equipment for it. Most of them you can only watch in places like this."
"I saw once..." Tim's smile became almost beatific. "...there was a movie of the first time astronauts ever stepped on the moon. It wasn't just a story. It was real."
"Astronauts? What are they?"
"They're people who fly into space."
"Oh, right. The sky. I've seen pictures of that."
"No..." Tim shook his head, staring up now, toward the ceiling...but seeing more than that. "...no, beyond the sky. Up into space where there is no more sky. There's...infinity. These astronauts went to the moon."
"I've heard of the moon, saw a picture once."
"Yeah...and they stepped on the surface for the first time. I remember watching it and...the man who took the first steps, he said...that he was taking one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." He laughed a little self-consciously. "It still gives me chills. Can you imagine being the one to do that? To step on another world for the first time?"
"Not really."
"We have the movie here. I can show you," Tim started to get up and then winced and sank back.
"Later, McGee. I'm not really sure I think all this stuff you're talking about really means anything anyway."
Tim snapped back from the realms of beauty to reality with an unpleasant bump. "You don't?"
"No. I kind of like it down here."
"Then...why did you bother saving me?"
"What do you mean, why? Did you want to stay there?"
"No...but you gave up a lot for me. If you don't think I'm right, why bother?"
"At least I could save you."
"What do you mean?"
Tony hitched a shoulder uncomfortably. "My mom was a claustrophobe. I haven't seen her since they hauled her off. I tried to help her stay under control, but...she would go on these rages...and once she got away from me. I don't think Dad ever really forgave me for that...not that he ever bothered to stick around and help."
"They took her away?"
"Yeah. You probably know better than I do what happened to her after that. I'm probably happier not knowing."
Tim only nodded.
"You also know what happens to the families when a claustrophobe is found. I couldn't get a job anywhere when I finished school. I was lucky they didn't kick me out and let me graduate instead." Gingerly, Tony pulled out his NIU badge and rubbed a finger over it. "I can't count the number of times I filled out a job application...only to be rejected. The NIU was the first place to take a chance and hire me. It took me years of getting transferred around to the various parts of the force before I got the chance to be an agent, but they at least hired. No one else would even look twice once they saw that my mother was claustro. You know when you asked me what else I was...besides an NIU agent?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I'm not much else...because the NIU was the one place that I felt accepted for what I could do, rather than what my mother had been."
Tim stared at him, and Tony could have sworn that he almost seemed to shrink as he pulled his knees up to his chest and just stared...like he'd seen a ghost.
"What's wrong, McGee?"
"You gave up...your whole life," Tim whispered, horrified. "You gave up everything...and you did it...for me. Why did you–?" Why?"
"I don't understand, McGee. What's the matter? Don't you think you're worth a bit more than a badge?"
"No!" Tim said. "No, I'm not! I'm worth less! You...maybe if you were...maybe...if it were Thom you were trying to save, but it wasn't. You don't even believe that what I argue as Thom means anything. I'm not worth saving. I'm nothing. I'm a librarian and a singer...and I don't do anything. I don't mean anything. If I were to have died in there or any time before that...only Ducky would have noticed. I'm not worth giving up everything for! I'm not... I'm not worth your life! I'm not worth your life."
He was almost crying and Tony felt even more confused than he had before.
"McGee...you saved your sister from drowning. You apparently defend the library...and the librarian from people who want to destroy them on a regular basis. ...besides...you're a human being. You have a right to live...and no one, not even Agent Kort has the right to do what they were doing to you. That makes you worth saving."
Tim buried his head and began to cry, to sob. His whole body shook.
"McGee, should I go get Ducky?" Tony was a little weirded out by this strange turn of events. He didn't think that saving someone would be so very complicated.
"I'm not human, Tony. I'm not," Tim wept. "I must have been once, but it doesn't seem real. It seems like something that happened in a dream, but I'm not human and I'm not worth saving. Do you know the kinds of things I did when I was at MIT?" He looked up, tears running down his cheeks. "Do you know the person you saved is a murderer? No, I never physically killed anyone but it was my fault. I made it possible."
"What are you talking about?"
"When they tried to arrest Ducky...I could have killed every single one of them...and I would have if they hadn't let him go. I would have done it...because I know it would have worked...because...because they made do it." He leaned forward. "I didn't want to do it. I really didn't and I didn't know what they'd do with it...but I did it."
"What did you do?" Tony didn't really want to know...but at the same time he was wondering what in the world could have made Tim think he was so worthless.
"They tell you what to do and you do it. There's no choice...there isn't even the thought of a choice. You just do it, even if you hate it...and they gave me an assignment...to write a program that could be used to...to...kill people from a distance. I made a program that would insert a tracking code into a person's wristband and then, using the electrical system that runs through the city...they could...send a burst that would basically electrocute the person with the code. I wrote it...and then...then, I found out that they were testing it...on innocent people! They were...taking people from places where they wouldn't be noticed...places where..." Tim hid his face again as his tears overwhelmed him. Tony reached out to touch him but at the slightest contact Tim pulled away. "...like where they took the...the claustrophobes."
Tony froze.
"They tested it on–?" He couldn't even finish the sentence.
"Yes! Yes! ...but I didn't know they were going to do that! I didn't know...but it wouldn't have made any difference because I wasn't...I couldn't make a choice! ...but they still died because of me! Innocent people die because of me...and I'm not worth anyone else's life. I'm not." Tim began to shake with the sobs that racked his body. He was nearly hysterical and Tony stood ready to run and get Ducky when the strangest thing happened. Tim suddenly took a long deep breath and the tears stopped, the crying stopped, the shaking stopped. Tony watched as the emotional pain drained away leaving nothing behind.
...and finally, Tony understood why Tim didn't want to face the emotions. He hadn't ever faced them and doing so, with the life he had been forced to lead, would be worse than the tortured he'd suffered at Kort's hands.
"I'm tired, Tony," he said. "I think I'm going to go back to sleep." Then, Tim lay down and rolled over so that his back was to Tony.
"Okay...Tim. Okay. I'll go and get a book or something." He started to walk away, but stopped when Tim spoke once more.
"Thank you, Tony."
"You're welcome."
Perhaps the emotions weren't as deeply buried this time...maybe someone else could keep them from going any deeper.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"Ducky?"
Ducky only awakened reluctantly. He had been more tired than he had thought previously and had fallen asleep as soon as he had lay down.
"Yes, Anthony?" he asked, yawning.
"There's something weird going on with McGee."
Sighing, Ducky opened his eyes and sat up, facing a very worried expression. "If Timothy is ever not a little weird, I will be surprised."
"I was talking with him and...and he said that he didn't deserve to be saved and...and he told me something that he'd done...and he was crying and everything...but then, he just stopped."
"Stopped?"
"Yeah. It was the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life. He was completely freaking out, Ducky, and then he took a breath and was almost...almost dead... I've never seen anything like that before."
Now, Ducky was fully awake. He had been afraid of this happening but he had desperately hoped it wouldn't since Tim had allowed himself to feel something.
"He is trying to go back to how he was. He is trying to prevent himself from feeling anything. Well, I am tired of it. This will not happen again." He stood, not tired any longer. "Anthony, would you come and assist me...perhaps be ready to hold Timothy back should he feel the urge to attack?"
"He wouldn't hurt you, Ducky."
"I'm afraid he might," Ducky said and pointed to a small white scar on his cheek. "Do you see this?"
"Yeah."
"This scar is what remains from Timothy hitting me in the face ten years ago. He tries not to deal with his emotions, but on certain occasions he has to and he loses control. It frightens him and if he could just realize that letting it out and then continuing to deal with it would prevent a recurrence...but he doesn't. He just doesn't understand how emotions work anymore. He was so young when they took him and made him think that emotions were grounds for punishment. Even if he thinks they might be wrong, he can't seem to make himself believe it and take the chance."
"You think he will now?"
"Yes."
"Why now?"
"Because I will not accept anything less this time. This pattern he has been following cannot work any longer. I allowed it before because it was at least giving him some substance of existence and I hoped he would work through it on his own, but the situation we are currently in means that we cannot wait for him to find the courage himself."
Tony straightened as Ducky began to walk. "Will forcing him really work?"
"I can't actually force him. I can just keep him from engaging in the kind of activity he will desire in order to cut himself off from the rest of humanity. Given no other outlet, it will have to be expressed. Too much has happened in too short a time for Timothy to be able to hold it in."
"I hope you're right."
Ducky stopped at the door to Tim's room and looked back at Tony.
"So do I."
