Chapter Twenty Eight:
They went into town and had dinner. It was a small diner but the food was very good and they spent some time walking around in town finding themselves at the small park near the courthouse.
He held her hand while they sat on the park bench.
"I used to come here sometimes," he said. "Uncle Frank would come into town for supplies and I would come here and sit."
"How often did you visit with them?" she asked.
"My mother had a difficult time when she went completely deaf…it was just a month after my father left."
She saw a flash of pain cross his face.
"You don't have to…"
He kissed her on the forehead.
"My mother never really had any family who were very supportive. After father left, Uncle Frank came to visit. He insisted on getting my mother into a program for the deaf. She refused to go because of me. He brought me here."
He stood and leaned against a tree.
"I didn't understand…I thought she was sending me away. I thought …"
"She didn't love you anymore…that she was abandoning you too?"
"Yes. I was angry for a long time. She would write but I wouldn't read the letters," he said. "I hurt her very deeply."
"But you were just a boy…a frightened boy."
"Yes I was. I didn't fit in at home and I didn't fit in here," he said.
"But you have such fond memories here…" she began.
"Thanks to Uncle Frank. He was determined to make me fit in whether I wanted to or not."
She smiled.
"He made me go to public school. I ran away twice. I remember walking down that dirt road and he would be following right behind me in his pickup truck. When I finally grew so tired I had to stop, he came and picked me up. I kicked and screamed and called him some pretty awful names…good thing my mother didn't hear it…she would have tanned my hide but she was deaf and I was alone and scared."
"Sounds like your aunt and uncle loved you very much," she said.
"They did. I realized that eventually. The first day he sent me to school he sat out there in his pickup and waited for me all day. I never knew until years later when he told me. He was scared too. I finally made friends. I became very popular with even the girls…tutoring some. My smarts finally benefited me."
She grinned.
I bet you were really smart…
The girls probably had a crush on you…
I would have…
To have that grin flashed my way…
"How long did you stay with them?"
"About six months…best six months of my life. I almost felt normal…two parents…house with a barn full of animals…then she came to visit."
"Your mother?"
He nodded.
"She had learned to read lips although she had picked up some of it anyway as her hearing began to fail. She learned sign and felt better about her job again. She came to take me home," he said.
"It must have been hard for you…"
He nodded. "I didn't want to leave. I was just feeling good about things again. She told me about the divorce…it hurt Uncle Frank. He had helped raise my father when their father died suddenly. He expected more from him I think although he never said an unkind word about him. He should have. I did. He just left and never called, wrote or…he didn't want me but Uncle Frank and Aunt Mary did. They had wanted kids."
"Did they have kids?"
"No. They never did. I just thought that it was meant to be…me and them but then she came and I was headed back to the city."
They continued to talk on the drive back.
"Did you go back with her?" she asked.
"Not at first. I refused. I think it broke my mother's heart. I can still see the look on her face when I told her I hated her."
Sara's head jerked around.
I remembered the look on your face when I said that to you…
"You didn't mean it," she said.
"Did you? When you said it to me?"
She was silent for a moment.
"Yes. At the moment I did….I was hurt," she said. "That's no excuse. I'm sorry. I don't think I ever told you how sorry I am that I did that."
He squeezed her hand.
"That's what I eventually told my mom…some time later."
"Did it make her feel better?"
"Yes."
Not really…
I just don't want you to feel any more pain from me…
"She was going to leave me here…I heard her telling Uncle Frank and I got excited. I thought I was going to get to stay but then he said I couldn't stay. I remember hearing Aunt Mary crying later on the front porch. My bedroom was just about the porch. I often slept with the window open. It made me mad when Uncle Frank said that. I thought he was just like my father. He says he loves me and then…"
"You felt you were being abandoned again."
He nodded.
They now sat in the porch swing.
"I heard my uncle tell her that mom was all alone and they should be not selfish. They had each other. He said my mother did what they had asked her to do…get her life in order so she could care for her son. It bothered me to hear them…it bothered me more to hear my mother crying in the room across the hall. I remember tapping on the door and then realizing she couldn't hear me. I went inside and she was packing. I turned and went back to my room and packed. She was surprised when I brought my suitcase in and set it beside hers. She shook her head and pushed me toward the door but I refused to go. I remember trying to talk with her but I was crying and she couldn't read my lips. She got up and left the room. I found a book of sign sitting on her nightstand and I took it. I went back to my room and sat there going through the book. I stayed up all night learning to sign."
"I bet you were a fast learner."
"I just wanted to talk with her again."
She leaned her head down on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her. It felt comforting.
"She spent all night trying to convince my uncle to let me stay. He wouldn't budge. He said I needed her. He was right. I did. I needed her as much as she needed me. I remember her standing there by the railing when I came out onto the porch and signed to her."
"What did you sign?"
"I was proud of her…I was ready to go home….and I loved her."
Sara wiped at her eyes as he did the same.
"Did you ever come back here?"
"Every summer until we moved further away and then I was in college and I never got back here until the funeral."
"Oh."
"My father's funeral," he clarified. "I was bitter and hurt and…Uncle Frank wanted me to come back here for a visit. I did. It helped. It always did. Whenever I find myself feeling…I think of this place. This was my sanctuary growing up…knowing that if I ever felt…I just could come here."
"It's good that you have a place like this," she said.
"We…we have a place like this," he corrected. It made her smile.
It had been a long day and they fell into bed while Bruno slept on the front porch. She turned and stared at him.
"Does it seem odd that I'm here with you?" she whispered.
"It seems odd that I'm about to make love to my wife in their bed," he said.
She giggled as he felt her pulling off her gown and he began to discard his own clothing. He made love to her, not bothering to pull the covers over them as a slight breeze blew the curtains making soft shadows on the walls.
She felt different. He had brought her to a special place and had shared his past with her. She felt loved. She curled her body up next to him and slept.
She smelled coffee and rolled over to find the bed empty. She glanced around and could not locate her robe. She grabbed his shirt and quickly buttoned it before heading downstairs. She stopped at the foot of the stairs and smiled when he turned to see her standing there.
"I was going to send Bruno up soon," he said with a grin.
"Sorry…it must be the fresh air. I never slept so well," she said as she stretched causing the shirt to expose her lower half and he grinned.
"You look good in my shirt…too good," he said as he came to stand in front of her.
"What would you like to do today?" he asked.
"A walk along the lake and then maybe a picnic lunch outside?" she asked as she yawned.
"Breakfast?" he asked.
"Waffles?" she asked.
"I was hoping you would ask for those. I've been starving," he said.
"You should have eaten without me," she said coming down to take a seat in the kitchen.
"This is our honeymoon. We're supposed to do everything together," he said as he started on making the waffles.
"Do you wish we had gone somewhere else?" he asked suddenly.
"I couldn't think of a better place," she said as she grinned at him.
It made him feel good.
Their walk consisted of more stories about his childhood. She sat and listened intently as he talked. They sat down under the tree in the grass.
"Sara?"
"Hmm?" she said as he lay down looking up at the branches on the tree.
"What was your childhood like?"
She was glad she was lying down as the air left her lungs and she breathed in deeply.
"You know about my parents…what happened to them…"
"How did you…"
"I learned to disappear. When my father would drink, my mother and I both did. She would suddenly slip out of the house while I hid in the attic or ran off to the library." He found himself beside her as she talked.
"The attic was my sanctuary…it was cold in the winter but it was safe…they never thought to look for me there. I also liked the library but it wasn't always open. When I went into foster care, I learned the rules….you had to if you knew you were going to be there for a long time. I knew I was. Mom wasn't going to get out anytime soon and no one wanted…my grandparents didn't want to be bothered with me…they make them marry because of me and yet they don't even want anything to do with me. I was moved around a lot. I didn't fit in…I wasn't like the others. The other kids felt threatened because I…"
"You were smart?"
She nodded.
"I understand," he said.
"I was finally moved to this one home but I was determined to be sent back to the group home. I could disappear among the other kids and not be noticed…I don't know how many times I screwed up and expected to be sent back but they held firm and kept me….even when…" she stopped, rolling over to lie on her stomach so that he could not see her eyes.
"Did something happen?"
"It was my eighteenth birthday. My foster parents were planning to take me out to dinner in celebration. I was scared…really scared."
"Why?"
"Because when you turn eighteen, you're on your own. I was waiting for them to tell me it was time to leave and this time I would not have the state as a safety net. You were legally on your own at that age."
He felt her tense.
You must have been so afraid…
Not having anyone…
Not sure who to trust…
"Johnny Martin lived down the street…we went to school together. He was okay. He used to come by the house and we would sit and talk. One day he asked me out and I was excited…no one had asked me out before. I didn't know that he had learned about my past. He thought that all foster girls were loose…sexually active."
She breathed in deeply and she felt his hand on her back.
"His parents were gone for the weekend and so we went to the movies. I thought he was walking me back to my house but he stopped and asked me in…telling me he wanted me to see his room. I was so naive. I went inside. He immediately went to his father's bar and pulled out a bottle and handed me a beer. It was my first. I took one sip and wanted to spit it out but I didn't. I swallowed it and then another. We went upstairs and as I was looking around his room, I found myself being pushed onto the bed and then…"
"You don't have to finish this," he said. "I'm sorry Sara. I didn't mean to bring this up…"
"It's fine, really. I want you to know…you need to know. I couldn't push him off…it's why I don't like to be held down. I lost my virginity to him…I lost a lot more."
"What do you mean?"
"When it was over, I ran home and hid upstairs in the attic. My parents thought I had run away. They looked for days…the police told them that I probably had just decided to run since I was now of legal age. Johnny told them I had said I wanted to leave."
He sat up pulling her to him. "How long were you…"
"Three days."
He held her as they sat there quietly.
"My foster mother heard me one night. I was crying…she came and found me. I still had on the same clothes from that day and she…I hated the hospital. It was cold."
He held her tighter.
"My foster father wanted to kill him."
Me too.
"He was a minor…seventeen…not eighteen. I was. He told them I had seduced him…making him bring me to his home and offering the alcohol. He said I wanted him to give me money so I could leave town and if he didn't I would tell everyone he had raped me."
He sucked in air. He didn't want to ask what happened. His gut telling him they did not believe her.
"I was the foster child whose mother killed her father. They believed the star athlete of the football team. His father was the principal of our school. His mother taught Sunday school."
I'm so sorry Sara…
So sorry…
"I packed my things and found myself with no place to go and no one to come and get me. My foster mom unpacked my things and we did this for several days until my foster father decided it would be best if we moved. I felt awful. They had lived there for twenty years and here they were moving because of some sixteen year old girl came to live with them and they chose…"
"They chose to love you," he said.
She nodded.
"Only time I ever felt loved by anyone until…Nick…and then you."
He grinned. "I'm glad my name was included."
