It was a lazy Sunday, one of many where Tom and Sybil decided to spend all afternoon in bed. Nearby unfinished homework remained in Sybil's rucksack and on Tom's nightstand his cellphone sat silent and ignored as it advanced toward a dead state. After having spent the morning together the pair was lost in one another with naked limbs intertwined beneath soft bed sheets. They'd just woken up from a nap and both had yet to speak. Tom looked down at Sybil and she stared back, both smiling until finally Sybil began to laugh, adding pressure to the way her head rested on one of his pillows.
"What's that face, Tom Branson?"
Tom smirked. "Do you want to get married?"
Sybil's eyes gave him a questioning glare. "Eventually? Or is this a proposal?"
His grin only grew. "If I say it's a proposal would you say yes?"
"No!" Sybil managed, her voice high in pitch. She moved to cover her face with her hands, laughter coming more easily with her eyes shielded. "We can't…"
"Why not?"
Sybil dropped her hands. "I'm...I'm seventeen, Tom!"
"So? What if you were older?" he tossed back effortlessly, almost in challenge.
Sybil pursed her lips. "I'd do a lot of things if I were older…"
He raised his brows. "Am I included in these things?"
Sybil giggled. "You're included in all of these things."
"Yeah? Like?"
"You're going to laugh…"
"Probably," he returned confidently, earning him an eye-roll.
"That's comforting."
"I just proposed to you, Sybil. I doubt what you're going to say will to scare me."
"So that was a proposal?"
Tom shrugged. "Depends on these supposed plans." His impatience found him playing with her hair, acting as if he wasn't incredibly interested in all she was about to say.
Sybil gave pause with a sigh. "I just think sometimes...you know, if maybe I was at least in uni and you had a teaching job somewhere...I think about being really stressed out but also really, really happy."
"And?"
"I'm curious to see how you'd propose," she conceded.
"Naked in bed. Didn't I just make that obvious?"
Sybil giggled. "You're incorrigible!"
As her laughter died down, Tom continued. "What else happens in these plans?"
"You take me back to Ireland. We get married."
"In Ireland?"
"Wherever. I just miss it. It was a nice break from all of this…" Her voice trailed off — a silent nod to their current situation in which the two lived in a city with people who would not ever validate their feelings toward one another.
"What about babies?"
"So many babies," Sybil's voice rolled in jest.
Tom grinned. "Yeah?"
"I dunno," Sybil laughed again. "We can't have too many because we'd both be working a lot. How many do you want?"
"Oh I have a say?"
"Uh, yes, Tom. Obviously."
"Two?"
Sybil nodded. "That's what I was thinking. I'd like more I just don't know if we could swing it."
"I'd give you more if that's what you wanted," Tom offered.
"Trust me, love, I don't think that'd be the issue."
Tom dropped his head back to laugh. Beneath the covers that concealed Sybil's naked chest, his hand gripped her hipbone, keeping her close. "Alright and where are we living?"
"I don't know," Sybil answered simply. "We can't stay in Cambridge...Dublin maybe?"
"Oxford?"
Sybil's gaze narrowed. "Why Oxford?"
"It keeps you close to your family," Tom explained. His instant response told Sybil that she was not alone in making plans for the future — their future. "I assume Mary will have children by then. And I doubt your parents will enjoy having you too far away."
"And what about your family?"
"Maybe we could go to New York. Equal opportunity to upset everyone but I'd get you to myself."
"Lots of universities," Sybil agreed. "It wouldn't be weird if a professor was dating a student."
"But you wouldn't be my student," Tom pointed out.
"No, but you'd like that wouldn't you?"
"No, that's frowned upon," Tom tried, causing Sybil to chuckle in disbelief.
"So is what we're doing now, no?"
Tom looked down to Sybil's chest. His hands danced across her her stomach in want. "I'm hardly frowning upon this…"
"You are seriously the worst! Stay focused!"
Tom pressed his tongue to his cheek. "Are we taking all of this seriously then?"
"What? Is this you retracting your proposal? I still haven't given you my answer…"
Tom laughed. "Yes you did. You said no."
Sybil's vision turned hazy as her voice became soft. "But I also told you all of the plans I have. I said no for now. Someday? Yes," she breathed out. "A million times yes."
Tom remembered that day; he remembered all of their days, most more vividly when he realized it was likely he'd never get them back. Then again he'd spent the night with Sybil and the two had done far more than just share a bed. He held her similarly, and felt the way she relaxed against him, not once questioning the way her breathing slowed with him so close.
These were the things he thought of, losing himself in moments he'd let slip away and now finding it was eerily easy to return to them. It was a distraction from his current situation, one that saw him sitting alone in a pew at the back of the marble chapel Mary and Matthew would soon wed in. He had walked over with Sybil , leaving her in a back room and then taking his seat while she got ready. Other family members filtered in, with Cora giving Tom a small nod as she walked to her seat.
Surrounded by chatter and feeling like an outsider, Tom wondered if his suit was too posh. He fit in, surely, but he also would have fit in up on the altar with Matthew and his friends. Each man had nodded his way and he did not hesitate when he gave a cordial smirk back. It was likely they were surprised to see him (especially with Sybil) or perhaps they were shocked to know they'd soon witness their best friend marry the girl of his dreams. As Tom pondered that fact, he was brought out of his reverie by a tap on the shoulder and the sound of excitement coming from the very same direction.
"Tom? Tom...Tom!"
He looked over, his face turning sour as if to show his annoyance. It was a dirty habit he'd always failed to overcome, one that Sybil used to criticize him for. There were few moments in his life when he could keep his emotions a secret. He'd once failed when Sybil was seventeen and he certainly lacked restraint almost a decade later.
"You okay?" Gwen tried again.
Instantly Tom craved a cigarette and as he thought of a proper response, he nodded, biding him time to wonder why. "Yeah...sorry…" His voice trailed off again.
Gwen and William sat in the pew behind him. Both best friends leaned forward, with Gwen even resting her arms on the back of Tom's row. "Can you do me a favor and not bring Sybil to the courthouse to get married?"
He chuckled. "Married?"
"Well that's what you want, isn't it?" William boldly entered the conversation clarifying for the purpose of banishing Tom's own confusion.
"I...well there's...why do you think she'd want to go to the courthouse?"
Gwen shook her head, essentially dismissing his question as nonsensical. "It's just a feeling I have…"
"Has she—"
"No," William said, quickly cutting him off.
Tom scoffed out a laugh. "Then?"
"I just want her to have a wedding," Gwen half-whined.
Tom looked around, his eyes bouncing between each marble column to the stained glass behind the altar and then back again. "Like this?"
"Maybe not like this," Gwen conceded. "But a party would be nice."
"Well I don't think I'll have much say in the matter."
There was a pronounced pause of pure silence. "If you asked her to go to the courthouse today she would. Without hesitation. In a heartbeat," she added in syncopation. "So yes, I'd say you do have a say."
Tom sighed out. "I follow her lead, Gwen. Whatever she wants."
In his own benefit the chords of the organ rang out allowing music to bring all guests to their seats. Gwen and William sat back and Tom exhaled, happy to be done with a moment he now desperately wanted to discuss with Sybil. This only intensified when his eyes caught upon hers as she nearly floated down the aisle. His glance procured a smile and she walked toward the altar looking as if she had a secret to keep and was delighted in the responsibility that came with that.
When she turned to stand and face the crowd she continued to grin. Then, like that morning in bed, she looked away, unable to sustain the way his eyes were adoring her. She wore a long navy-colored gown and her dark hair was pulled back off her face, highlighting the few light pieces the sun had stained long ago. As her gaze remained glued to the floor, Tom saw the silver headband she wore, the only item that differentiated her from the other bridesmaids. He suspected she was doing her best to hide just how giddy he sometimes made her, but when she looked back up again she let out a small series of giggles, unable to contain the overwhelming feelings she had whenever Tom was close. In seeing this Tom felt proud as she shared her feelings with the crowd. He couldn't even worry if the look was captured by each guest; he was selfishly enjoying it too much to wish it away.
It didn't get old but the music changed and everyone shifted to look to the back of the church. The doors opened, seemingly on their own, revealing Mary and a smiling Dr. Crawley. Mary's face was cloaked by a thin veil, the lace surely a family heirloom that she'd somehow made work with the rest of her modern ensemble. As the pair walked down the aisle, everyone's eyes followed until eventually they were at the altar. They watched as Mary's hands gripped her father's arms, accepting the kiss he placed to her rouged cheek after he softly flipped back her veil. There was something bittersweet in the way she turned back to Matthew but it melted to excitement, echoing Sybil's happiness from before.
Though he still stood on unsteady ground with both Matthew and Mary, even Tom couldn't dismiss the love that existed between the two. He wanted to stare at Sybil, and he did, but he didn't mind paying attention to the ceremony even if it was like so many he had attended in the past. When it was time for the pair to share their vows, his glare effortlessly moving back to Sybil and this time she didn't dare to look away.
"I, uh, I speak in front of a lot of people every day but doing this is making me so nervous because I don't think I've ever told this many people what you mean to me and I know I have to get it right." Everyone laughed, filling the silence left by the sharp inhale Matthew gave in an attempt to gain bravery. "So...a lot of people don't know this but when you and I first met I spent a lot of time pushing you away. I had lost my dad only a few years prior and I didn't realize it then but I guess that's why I didn't want to let you in. I really didn't want to let anyone in. I didn't want anyone getting close to me because I didn't think I could stand to lose anyone else. But you pushed and you pushed until I didn't really give you a choice and the minute you stepped back, all of my fears were confirmed." He paused and his focus turned hazy as everyone noticed the way Matthew seemed to want to cry. "I was absolutely not strong enough to lose anyone again and I certainly wasn't ready to lose you. You forgave me for things I still struggle to forgive myself for. You make me happy and you make me better. I like the man I am and I'm that person now because of who you are and who you've allowed me to be. I really think you saved my life, Mary," Matthew admitted honestly. "Or you definitely changed it. And everyday I thank God for you because I don't know where I'd be if you had ever given up on me. I don't know if I'd have the career I have because you have supported me even when I made that very, very difficult. You are absolutely all of the things people say you are: beautiful and driven and honest but I am so blessed that I get to see the other parts of you...how kind you are, your loyalty to your family and your courage when it comes to knowing what you want and never being afraid to take chances to get it. I guess I'm just thankful that once upon a time I was one of those things. Thank you for not giving up on me and thank you for giving me your heart. I truly love the woman you are and I couldn't be more excited to spend the rest of my life with you."
Mary squeezed Matthew's hands and he smiled, wanting to let go if only so he could reach forward and wipe at the tears pooling on her lashline. She nearly coughed out a laugh, still in shock that she was about to marry her best friend — that she was currently marrying her best friend.
With a shaky exhale, she began. "I had written something but I ended up leaving it behind...it wasn't a mistake," she quickly corrected. Then: "Because I don't make those…" The church was filled with more laughter, urging Mary to continue. "But I realized that if there was ever a time for me to be vulnerable it was now." Matthew nodded as if to show he understood. "I'm so happy we're here celebrating with everyone and I'm not scared to know how many people will understand just how much I love you. I just...sometimes I can be very calculated. I don't do well sharing my feelings like this but if there's ever been a person I can tell everything to, it's you Matthew. And we have been together for so long and I still don't know if I've done a great job telling you just how much you mean to me. And I hope in me saying this out loud you'll understand." She paused, the noiselessness pulling back at her shoulders. "You are my world and I wouldn't trade a single day we've spent together, even the ones I think we'd both rather forget. You make me feel beautiful and important and wanted. You listen to me the way no one else ever has...or ever could. You call me on my rubbish and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am stubborn and selfish but you make me slow down and show me what's important when my life feels like it's spinning out of control. I'm beyond lucky to have you in my life and I don't know who I should thank...God or you for finally letting me in. But you did and you haven't stopped and your vulnerabilities showed me it's okay to be weak. You highlight my flaws and make me feel like those are things I should celebrate. Your bad days are my bad days and your good days are my good days and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm excited to make you my husband but I'm the most excited for you to be a father." Each guest was scared to breathe but when she carried on so casually, there was a slight gasp heard from the crowd. "This baby boy is going to be just as blessed as I am and I hope he has your hair and your compassion and hopefully your brain too. So I'm sorry this is how I'm telling everyone…" Mary turned to look toward the front row but her grip was strong as her fingers begged Matthew for temporary support. "Sorry Mum and Dad...Isobel…" she added before quickly turning back to Matthew. This was something she refused to feel bad for, especially now with Matthew's eyes lovingly boring into her. "But I was walking down this aisle realizing that for as long as I have loved you, it will never be enough. There will never be enough days for me to tell you and show you just how much I love you. Life's too short but I'm glad I'm spending it with you. There's no one else in this world I'd want by my side."
While Mary and Matthew gave their vows, Tom couldn't help but to realize how uniquely vulnerable Matthew made Mary. He wondered if everyone else felt this way or if he was alone in this feeling after years of constantly being so close and yet seeing only her uncracked exterior. He couldn't remove his eyes from Sybil and when he realized her smile was unapologetically unwavering, he resolved to hopefully never have to look away.
Sybil knew what he was thinking because she was thinking it too. She thought of her entire wedding, of all the things she had suppressed for so long. She didn't need the Scottish island or the cottages or the fancy church and the lavish gowns. But as a girl, as many often do, she had visions. She wanted her bridesmaids painted in mauve and pale blue and grey-lavender, only now that would have to be modified as she found a way to get William involved. She thought of Ireland and their families finding common ground. Then she thought of children, not only of the nephew she would have in just a few short months but babies of her own. She remembered being seventeen and planning her life in such a similar fashion. It was crazy then and somehow time had made it seem less so. The overall intensity of such a realization had Sybil looking to the floor again and she did not look back up until Mary and Matthew, now husband and wife, were nearly halfway down the aisle.
~!~
If people were staring neither Sybil nor Tom cared. Tom kept a steady palm to Sybil's lower back as they swayed back and forth on the dancefloor. The pair was so close, Tom found himself whispering things in Sybil's ear, only causing her to drop her head back as she laughed to show her satisfaction. Things like You look beautiful and even I love you sounded different with all of the live music in the background. It also helped that Sybil's family, even Mary and Matthew found themselves catching glimpses of the couple lost in raw happiness.
When the music slowed down it transitioned into something more steady and sweet. The couple did not hesitate to slow down with it, but the way Tom now held onto Sybil was different.
"I love you," he whispered again.
A content smile spread across Sybil's face. "I love you too."
Tom chuckled. "Remind me again why we've never danced together?"
This time Sybil did not laugh. Her throat went dry and in an attempt to bring herself back to reality she swallowed down the hiccup keeping her from speaking. She hoped Tom didn't notice but she couldn't keep herself from dropping her head to his shoulder, wishing to shield her eyes.
It was no longer her own wedding she was thinking of but instead the night many years ago that should had played out just like this one. It was a night she played over and over again in her head, both before and after its completion. She saw it now; her dress was also lace then and her hair was pulled back, though in a much tighter fashion. She wanted nothing more than to dance with Tom that night and she couldn't possibly have fathomed all of the plans he had to break her heart.
"Syb?" Tom tried in a concerned tone. "What is it, love?"
She looked up, reminding him of a sleepy student surprised they were called on. "What?"
"You're inside of your head."
"I am," she nodded, swallowing again.
Tom paused. The way in which his lungs contracted somehow pushed her away. "You…" He quickly blinked. "You can say it."
Sybil looked to him with doe eyes. "Say what?"
"What you're thinking," he noted, pushing at her with his shoulder. "I mean, I know anyway."
Sybil nearly laughed. "I don't think you do."
"Try me."
"I...I'm just really enjoying this right now."
"Right now? As opposed to before?" His voice was angry and Sybil disliked the way something meant to be directed inward was now cast upon her. She assumed if he wasn't still so caught up in all of this, Tom would be equally as disappointed in himself. "I know you're thinking of it, Sybil. I am too."
"Tom…" Sybil's voice begged softly.
"It's okay...really. I'm a shit and—"
Sybil stepped back. She didn't push him away because it seemed she didn't need to; Tom's words had already put distance between them. Because of this her hands fell from around his neck rather easily. "Tom, please!" she pleaded. There were tears in her eyes and tension grinding at her teeth.
"Sybil, I'm sorry, I just…"
"I...I have to go. I can't do this here."
There was a stillness in the moment before Sybil grabbed at the lace of her gown and turned to walk away. She moved so quickly neither his hands nor his words could demand she remain. He was speechless and with her gone he was suddenly able to hate himself in the way he'd wanted to earlier and somehow that feeling was a comforting one, especially with Sybil so far away.
His shoulders slumped in defeat and he looked around as if to ask a disapproving crowd for support. Only a few people had noticed Sybil's swift exit and the clear emptiness she'd left in her wake. But Mary's glare was the most apparent, her eyes whispering at Tom: fix this.
I know, I KNOW it has been forever since I have updated. I am so sorry for that and if I get only a handful of reviews on this I'll honestly be shocked. But thank you to those of you who have been patient and stuck with this story. It means so much to me and I'm thankful for each of you...all four of you.
x. Elle
