Chapter Twenty Seven
"So welcome back everyone! I'm sure you had a pleasant week off – why don't you tell me about your time away?" Laurel asked everyone at large. She noticed immediately that none of the couples had brought their children.
"It was good, until it wasn't." Ginny offered first.
"Yeah, we found some common ground." Harry added.
"We met Astoria, as well. She was very nice." Hermione said.
"Yeah, it was a great bloody time." Ron muttered.
"Oh yeah, great time." Draco rolled his eyes.
"Okay… why don't we start with that? Who would like to tell me about this past week? Hermione, why don't you start, please." Laurel looked around the group.
"Uh… initially it was strange. In my head, I knew that it wasn't the Manor – it looked very different – but I couldn't help this feeling of paranoia that came over me sometimes? Like I was expecting a fight, or to have to defend myself? Suffice it to say I didn't sleep very well."
"A subconscious fight or flight response." Laurel confirmed. Hermione nodded.
"Yes, and I know it seems really silly. Being confronted by all the magic, too – I mean, Ron and I use magic at our house for various things, but I still like doing some things the muggle way, like the dishes, or cooking, or setting the table, you know? Seeing all of that just… happen reminded me of the difference between someone who grew up around magic and someone who didn't."
"What was that like?" Laurel asked. Hermione blew out a huge gust of air.
"It just reminded me of what school was like. Initially school was awful, because we had the House Rivalry, and then there was that divide between muggles and non-muggles. For example, you probably learned the basics of potions before you even got to Hogwarts." Hermione aimed the question at Draco.
"Yes. My father demanded it of me."
"See, I hadn't even known about any of these things. I felt really underprepared. I know that all the teachers thought we were on what was essentially even footing, but we weren't. I had to work twice as hard, twice as long, to understand concepts that others had learned easily. I'm 'The Brightest Witch of Our Age' through hard work – none of it came easy."
"I'm glad you're in the position to open up about this." Laurel smiled.
"Well it's kind of now or never, right? And then because I had taken all this time to actually learn about the world I was now suddenly a part of, I was made fun of because I always – or nearly always – had the answer. There was no way to avoid being ostracised. Then there was the name calling. And the condescension because they knew sayings and expressions that I had no idea what they meant. So it was hard. It felt very isolating."
"I can see how you would feel that way. Harry, did you feel this way too?"
"Sometimes. But I didn't face as much of it as Hermione did. I'm half-blood so that kind of automatically excluded me from some of the name calling. Being the 'Chosen One' excluded me from most anything else. Hermione faced the brunt of it, but I felt isolated sometimes, since people expected me to know the same things they did but they forgot that I was raised as a muggle." Hermione was nodding, agreeing with Harry.
"The name calling was the worst, though. 'Mudblood'… even just saying the name leaves a bad taste in my mouth. At first, I had no idea what it meant, only that it was bad. Then someone told me where it came from. Being called something that Death Eaters from the first war called muggleborns was just awful." Hermione was avoiding looking at anyone, but Ron glared right at Draco, who bristled.
"Oi, mate, I apologised to her for my part in this already. There's no need to shoot daggers at me."
"I just need to say this now, I can't keep it in anymore. I know we've already spoken about most of this Draco." Hermione said.
"I know."
"You also told me that I couldn't hold back. I have been."
"I did." Hermione swiped at her eyes and turned to the group.
"Draco's already apologised and I've forgiven him for his actions as a child. But the feelings, the words… those don't just magically go away, you know?" Hermione turned to Laurel.
"They do stay with you." Laurel agreed.
"It just seemed so terribly unfair. The teachers didn't really notice all of the divides that they've caused by having the Houses, by having muggleborns just thrown into that world without so much as a helping hand other than getting into Diagon Alley to get the books and robes and such. It felt half-arsed. Since I've graduated I've actually written to McGonagall repeatedly to tell her to get rid of the House system completely or to create more inter-House activities. I'll be visiting soon to see what's been implemented."
"Getting rid of the Houses? You can't change centuries of tradition." Draco said, affronted as he looked at Hermione. She looked fiercely back.
"Yes, yes we can. It's because of this tradition that a lot of people – including myself – didn't feel safe in the school. We were targets. It's because of this tradition that Death Eaters were so easily cultivated: 'look, they're different, you're even in different Houses, so that must tell you something, join us'. This separation of Houses and traits makes for a very competitive and dangerous environment. For sport, sure, it can be healthy. But in the day to day? Not so much. So yeah, the whole thing was very difficult in school."
"So what happened during the rest of your time at the Château?" No one wanted to speak. Ron scoffed, and so did Draco.
"Why don't you tell us, Ron?" Ron looked at Hermione, who shook her head.
"You're the one that got us kicked out days before we were supposed to leave. Why don't you tell Laurel what happened?" Hermione looked back at Ron. When it was clear that Hermione wouldn't budge and no one else was forthcoming, Ron sighed.
"Alright. It started out well, I s'pose? Bit awkward, because we were in unknown territory. But then it wasn't so great. Hermione was stressed and not talking to me, preferring to yell or not say anything at all, which made me not talk to her either. Which no doubt stressed her out more and stressed me out because I didn't know what was wrong. Instead of talking to Hermione about it I took out my frustrations and my fears out on other people. I said that Malfoy was afraid that Astoria was cheating, so that's part of why we were joining Malfoy in bloody France. That he wanted to find her, and that he thought she'd be at the Château. I might have been right, but it was inappropriate. I wasn't thinking about that at the time. I just couldn't deal with what I was feeling. I apologised the next day and we had a Quidditch match, and that went well. But then by that day his wife had arrived. I just got so angry and self-righteous."
"Because everyone else had been in the therapy and she hadn't been." Laurel surmised. Ron nodded.
"Yeah. We've all had our bad moments in therapy, but yet Astoria hadn't experienced it at all. I didn't feel like it had been fair. Like the whole Malfoy superiority bull that had been there at school was here too, and I couldn't take it."
"I can assure you that I did not play favourites of any kind. Astoria had her reasons for not participating in the therapy. I told you that we could stop if it wasn't helpful."
"Yes, but that wasn't what I was thinking at the time. I kept picking at it and I forced Astoria into sharing about her miscarriage."
"And I kicked them out a few days early. We're still in France, actually. We'll be returning to England tomorrow." Draco murmured.
"I sent Astoria an apology." Ron said, "I am sorry about that, I swear. I didn't want to cause pain like that. But it-we were in a Malfoy house. That made things hard. I think we were all being reminded about our time at the Manor. It's his family's fault that we had so many problems having a child." Ron pointed at Draco, but Hermione pushed his arm back down.
"She got the letter. She is trying to think of a response."
"Look, Ron, Draco isn't at fault for what happened at the Manor."
"What do you mean? He was right there and didn't do a thing! His family hurt you!"
"What was he supposed to do Ron? There was no way he could get away with helping me against his aunt, or not identifying us, without getting in trouble or getting killed himself. I've accepted that. And you know what? I went into that house expecting not to survive. I'd made my peace with that the moment the Snatchers grabbed us. To me, as long as they didn't identify Harry, then I could live – or not – with the rest." Hermione blurted. Ron stared at her for a moment, not knowing what to say.
"Hermione… wha-? Why would you think that?"
"Come on, Ronald. We were captured by Snatchers, who worked with the Death Eaters, who hate muggleborns, and I am a muggleborn. I knew I wouldn't survive unless something miraculous happened, or we had outside help."
"Well we didn't have outside help, did we?" Ron glared at Malfoy.
"Look, Weasley, your wife's right. I couldn't do anything without getting tortured or killed, or both. I couldn't do anything that night. I wanted to, I'll swear by anything you want. But I didn't see a way to."
"You didn't need to identify us!"
"Yes, I did! You'd been in the Prophet, both of you. My father knew who you were. Later, even aunt Bella was ranting about how you'd thwarted her and her ilk in our fifth year in the Department of Mysteries. I had to identify you. The only one I knew I could get away with not identifying, was Potter. So I did what I could."
"And that was all I expected. Look, Ron, if Harry had been identified, we would have lost that day. Voldemort would have won, and we'd be dead anyway. Harry wasn't ready to face Voldemort. We hadn't found all the Horcruxes."
"I know that." Ron huffed.
"Then you know that Harry had to be the one to survive. He had to. I'd hoped that the Stinging Jinx would hold until he could find a way to escape. It was the only thing I could think of whilst we were being chased down by Snatchers like animals." Hermione huffed.
"So what, you-you were okay with the fact that you were going to be tortured?" Ron asked incredulously. Hermione laughed, but not like it was funny.
"No, Ron, I wasn't okay with it. But I was resigned to the fact that it would happen. My wandless magic was good, but it wouldn't have been up to snuff against experienced wizards and witches who had wands, so I knew I couldn't fight my way out. We didn't know about Aberforth or Dobby, so I wasn't wishing for anything to swoop down and save us. I'd… made my peace with it. I had a lot of time to think about it all at Shell Cottage. In the middle of things, I hadn't thought it all out like I'm telling you now, it was more of a subconscious thing. But afterward, I thought about it and realised that's what I'd done."
"You three were incredibly lucky." Laurel murmured. Harry was nodding. Ginny looked stricken and was holding Harry's hand tightly.
"We were. I had no idea that talking into that shard of mirror would do anything at all, but I had to do something. I think I realised, as Hermione did, that we were in a dire situation. If I were identified and Voldemort called, and he killed me, I don't know if, in that space and time, I would have come back, because at the time I wouldn't have been willing to die. I didn't have all the information then that I did later on at the school with Snape's memories. So I wouldn't have come back. Even if by some fluke I was given the opportunity to come back, Voldemort still had some of his Horcruxes. He would have still been invincible. He would have won. So I'm so glad that talking into that mirror saved us."
"So you just accept the fact that you would have been tortured. Even knowing what you do now." Ron was looking at Hermione closely.
"Ron I didn't know then that me being tortured would cause our issues with having kids. What was I supposed to do? The impact of the Cruciatus Curse wasn't common knowledge until a few years ago. I couldn't have fought back against Bellatrix, not and win."
"Hold on. Astoria told me a bit of what you told her when I was with Potter. Are you saying that the Cruciatus made you unable to have children?" Draco looked shocked.
"Why don't you tell him about the study, Hermione." Laurel prompted.
"Okay. Ron and I started trying, without success. We went to numerous healers and muggle doctors and they were all mystified. They said that we were both healthy and there was no reason why I shouldn't be pregnant. After a year and a half, we saw a different healer. He was one of the best in Trauma at St. Mungo's, and he'd recently rotated to pre and post-natal care. He started asking us all of these questions that the other doctors hadn't asked – hadn't thought to ask. He asked about the injuries we'd sustained in the war. When I said I'd been subjected to the Cruciatus Curse, he asked me where the curse had been concentrated on, and it had been my chest and lower torso. He did the magical equivalent of an X-Ray and checked my chest, and my heart and lungs were completely fine. Then he checked my lower torso and found that there was scarring in the pelvic and uterine areas. The walls that the fertilised egg would attach to were… weak and damaged. He then asked if he could conduct a study with me and five other women, and ask doctors around the world to do the same if they notice the same abnormalities."
"So he'd noticed a pattern." Laurel prompted.
"Yes. It was lucky, because he'd treated these women in Trauma, and then also later on when they were trying to get pregnant and having problems. So the Cruciatus can cause bone fractures, concussions, dislocations, just because you're thrashing about. But what we didn't know until the study was conducted was that it can also damage important tissues and muscles."
"Merlin's Beard… no wonder you found it difficult to be at the Château."
"You had no idea. It was up to me to say and I didn't. At any rate, I knew that Astoria would probably be blaming herself for the miscarriage. If I could have dodged the curse, been stronger, been faster, something. It had been so recent, too. So I wanted to help her because I knew it wasn't her fault."
"She felt… better after you had spoken to her."
"I got her thank you letter. It wasn't necessary; I was happy to help. It's a horrible feeling."
"Hermione, I'm sorry. For not communicating with you. Getting into fights with our hosts. Not realising you were stressed out. We haven't been talking since France and I want to fix that." Ron looked at Hermione, his eyes pleading. Hermione gave him a smile and reached a hand out to cup his jaw.
"Hon I'm sorry too. Instead of telling you how I was feeling I just lashed out. It wasn't fair." Hermione pecked his lips, chaste. Ron grasped her hand and kissed her knuckles.
"Why don't we end here for today. There has been a lot of sharing and I am very pleased with the progress you've made. I'll see you next week."
A/N: Hello everyone! So since NaNoWriMo is over I've turned my attention back to this, as there will only be about 33 chapters in total. So I'd like to get this finished!
Replies to Reviews:
TraptWolf94: Thank you so much for your thoughtful reviews! Glad you're back!
Gingerdream: Yes, exactly! It's not just tabula rasa at the end of the war. It can't be erased. It's hard tor reconcile that and that's what I'm trying to do here.
Writerspassion18: yes, he does. He just feels so strongly about things, you know? Glad you're liking the chapters.
