Author's Note
Hello lovelies :) It's been a while since I updated but it is a pretty long chapter soooo yeah!
Read, enjoy, review :)
28. Apology
I walked into the Gryffindor common room feeling better than I had in days. It was mostly empty, save Lily, James, and Sirius, the three of whom were sitting around one of the fireplaces, chatting amiably.
Or at least James and Lily were. As I approached the little group, I noticed that Sirius had a rather grim expression on his face, and was staring moodily into the flames, the flickering light casting long shadows beneath his high cheekbones, making him look even grimmer.
Lily looked up as I made my way over, the smile that had been gracing her features falling the second she saw me. Her eyes went wide, and she shook her head almost imperceptibly, her gaze traveling quickly to Sirius.
Too late, though, because at that moment Sirius stirred from his stony posture and turned to look at me, his eyes immediately narrowing. "Where have you been?" he asked, quietly, as he rose from his spot by the fire and faced me, putting his hands in the pockets of his robes.
"Hi to you, too." I said, quirking my brow, a little taken aback by his icy tone.
"So you've been with Regulus." he said definitively, his eyes flashing, ignoring my remark. "We haven't seen you since dinner. I was worried! And now you just come traipsing back in here after spending hours with him —"
I felt my temper rising, and cut him off sharply, stepping forward slightly. "Regulus," I said scathingly, "is my friend."
"And I'm your boyfriend," said Sirius, pushing his hair back impatiently from his eyes and stepping forward, too. "Or have you forgotten?"
"What are you talking about?" I said indignantly. "I'll spend my time with whoever I want to! You don't have any say—"
"You could at least tell me before you disappear for an entire evening!"
"I was spending time with Reg! He's lonely, Sirius, and—"
"It serves him right! You know why I have a problem with this!" he shot back, and I saw a flicker of hurt in his eyes as he spoke, though it vanished so quickly that I was hardly sure that it had really been there. "He's dangerous, Addy!"
I dimly noticed that James and Lily had also stood and were looking at us, concerned, but my attention was solely focused on Sirius, angry tears starting to blur my vision.
"What?" I all but screamed at him. "Dangerous?! What are you—"
"He's a death eater, Addy!" Sirius countered, immediately paling as his words hung in the air between us, painfully resonating in the high-ceilinged room. I felt my tears brimming over, but made no move to wipe them away.
I just nodded slowly, feeling sick, and angry, and a little betrayed. I stepped forward, so less than a foot separated me from the tall, black-haired boy in front of me. "So. Am. I." I said, quietly, though my words shook with fury, as I raised my arm and pulled down my sleeve, showing him the dark mark which stood stark against my pale skin.
I saw the fight go out of him as I held his gaze for another few moments, the anger in his features replaced by regret.
"Addy…" he said softly, but I was already turning, without another word, leaving the common room without looking back.
I'd lost all track of time as I sat on the balcony of the astronomy tower, staring at the starry landscape in front of me, trying to think of nothing but how beautiful the night was, and how nice the cool air felt on my skin.
Easier said than done. I was trying though, hard. And with each passing hour, I felt the anger that had been boiling in my veins diminish, replaced by a bone-aching nostalgia for how things had been before. When my life hadn't been quite so wrapped up in death and pain, and had been wrapped up in the comforting touch of Sirius instead.
Sirius. Just the thought of him made me feel like sobbing. I'd felt like a monster, showing him the mark on my arm and seeing my own hurt reflected back at me through his eyes. I had become a death eater, and now he couldn't look at me the same way: the past few days had made that clear enough. He could hardly meet my eye, his words terse and unemotional when he spoke to me. He was wary, maybe even afraid of me. I couldn't say that I blamed him.
No sooner had I thought this than I heard the sound of the heavy wooden door behind me open and then close softly. Blinking back tears, I turned, hardly caring who had come and interrupted my silent brooding.
Until I saw high cheekbones, dark hair and bright blue eyes looking at me through the semi-darkness.
"Can I sit?" Sirius asked quietly, gesturing to the spot on the hard stone floor next to me.
"Yes."
He did, leaning his back against the wall of the tower, hands resting loosely on his knees. He wasn't touching me, but I could feel the warmth of him beside me, inviting and comforting. But I didn't reach out for him. How could I?
The silence stretched between us like a chain, weighing us both down. Even the air felt heavier, like gravity was working against us, just like the rest of the universe.
"I'm sorry." Those words, spoken softly, without his usual bravado and charm, seemed almost a part of the night, a whisper in the darkness.
"Sirius, I am too, I—" I began, even if it was too late, even if we couldn't fix this. I wanted to apologize for dragging him into this mess in the first place, for becoming a death eater when I knew that things could never be the same. For changing.
But he cut me off. "No," he said, his gaze trained steadfastly on the starry sky in front of us. "Please, Adeline. I messed up. I really fucking messed up."
I didn't know what to say to this. So I stayed silent, waiting for him to continue, letting his words hang there, briefly.
"First of all," he said, his gaze flickering to his hands, and then, to the space separating us. "I was—am jealous of Regulus. He's been through what you've been through, he has the mark… the two of you share a bond that you and I don't." He was speaking slowly, choosing his words carefully. "And I know you don't want it. That's not what I'm saying. But it's there, and I know you need him. You need someone with you, to go through this with. I want you to have that. It's just… there's no excuse for what I said in the common room. I was jealous. And angry. And…" he sighed. "And I know that I've been distant these past few days. I was just… scared, I guess."
"Of me?" I asked, unable to keep the edge out of my voice, thinking at that moment that I had to know the answer to this question. I had to.
He took a deep breath, his fists balled into fists on his knees. "No," he whispered, with complete sincerity, shutting his eyes tightly. "I'm scared, terrified, of losing you."
I felt the tears brimming over just as I felt him shake, almost imperceptibly, beside me. "I can't lose you." he whispered, choking on the last word.
I turned then, seeing a sight that made my heart break, a true, ripping, searing paindeep within my chest.
I'd never seen Sirius cry. I think that few people probably have. But when I turned, he was doing just that, tears falling slowly down his cheeks, glistening in the starlight, making little ribbons of radiance down the smooth, perfect planes of his face. He didn't make a sound, his eyes shut tight, long, dark lashes trying to keep the moisture from escaping.
And that was when I realized that things weren't over. I was marked, yes, and bound to a cause I didn't believe in, my destiny uncertain even now. But looking at Sirius, his body shuddering with silent sobs, afraid of losing me, and what we had together, just as I was, I knew that this wasn't the end.
I loved Sirius. Maybe I hadn't said the words, but I didn't have to. There was no other word for what I felt for him in that moment. For all the moments that I had looked at him, spoken to him, been in his arms. Love was the only thing that I knew for sure.
And it was this realization, made with such absolute clarity, that caused me to forgive him for what he'd said in the common room, for the distance he'd kept between us since my initiation, for everything that had led us up to this tower, to this moment.
It was this realization that made me turn, sobs rising from my own chest, and grasp him tight, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him to me, getting as close as I could to the person who had led me here. And I felt my heart mending, the pain lessening, the wound healing, as he wrapped his own arms around my waist, holding tight like I was the only thing in the world he had to hold on to.
It was a long time before the tears subsided, and even longer before we lessened our grip on the other. But finally we did, although I remained in his lap, unwilling to move too far away. Even sitting down next to him seemed too great a distance.
We could have said those three little words to each other. Looking into his eyes and seeing the stars, emotion, and depth of feeling reflected back at me, I had no doubt that he felt the same way. But it wasn't the right moment, sitting there with tears drying on both our faces. That could wait. We had time.
Instead, we just sat there, in each others' arms, looking at the stars and breathing the cool air of night time. I felt at peace, safe in Sirius's embrace. Talking wasn't necessary at that moment. Just being together was enough.
I must have fallen asleep at some point, as I came back to reality to find myself in the common room, the first rays of sunrise peeking through the window behind me as I laid on one of the leather couches in front of the fire, a blanket tucked around me, a pillow beneath my head. Looking around sleepily, I noticed that Sirius had fallen asleep on one of the armchairs a few feet away, no blanket, no pillow, his head lying on one arm, facing me.
I watched him for a moment as he slept, his face peaceful, his dark lashes casting shadows across his cheekbones from the light of the fire in front of us. I noticed, with a little twinge, that he must have fallen asleep while watching me, after having carried me all the way from the astronomy tower to the common room. The thought made me feel warm, protected, and I was filled with another rush of affection towards the boy in front of me.
Just then he stirred, his eyes blinking open sleepily and fixing on mine almost immediately.
"Hi," I said after a long moment.
"Hi," he responded, one corner of his mouth quirking up in a small smile.
We regarded each other for a long moment, the crackle of the fire the only noise punctuating the silence. Finally I jerked my head, wordlessly inviting him to join me on the couch.
A few seconds later he was beside me, one arm wrapped around my shoulders, my head resting on his chest as we sat together, watching the flames. I looked up at him, lifting my head to look him in the eye. "You're not going to lose me." I told him simply, wanting to put this matter behind us, needing the closure that came with this exchange. "I'm not going anywhere."
He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment, the flames of the fire reflected in his dark pupils. Then he kissed me, gently, but almost with a promise. Like he was telling me that it wasn't going to be the last time.
"Neither am I."
