Blurred Reality

Chap. 26

Padded Walls and Straight Jacketed Hearts

My legs began to shake a bit as I made my way back onto the carpet next to the girls. I knew I had just promised Criss that I was going dish out all of my dirty laundry so to speak, (thanks to fucking Ryan) but in all honesty, I really wasn't too sure if I was completely ready for him to know that side of me yet. That "side" didn't even exist anymore anyway. It was old news, she was long gone, utterly dead in my book but unfortunately still living on in some others…

We all watched with mixed emotions as Criss booted Emily off of the show. I was more than shocked to find out that she was addicted to drugs. She always seemed "normal" but then again, what exactly is society's perception of normal? I suppose it varies from one person to the next. Actually, I thought if anyone was to be on drugs it would have been Lisa or Amelia, I guess I was wrong. Hmmm… I wonder just how shocked Criss was to hear about my past? I hope he didn't already expect it?

Upon further thought and pondering about the situation I figured that the sooner I came clean and confessed to him my reasoning for having not shared the information with him in the first place, the better my possibilities might have been for furthering my chances of sticking around another week. After eliminations I waited anxiously until the rest of the girls were off busying themselves in their rooms and somewhat sheepishly knocked on his suite door.

"Melissa?" Criss cracked the door a bit, Hammy weaving through his ankles.

"Yeah, it's me." I giggled as I watched him nudge the cat away so he could open the door wider for me to come inside.

"What's up? Come on in…" He directed.

"Ummm… not much-" I muttered as I side-stepped inside the foyer promptly realizing his lack of clothing.

"Sorry, I just got out of the shower. Excuse fashionable towel."

I half smiled nervously and followed him to the off white couch in the living room area.

"I-I ugh, I kinda wanted to talk…" I stutter awkwardly while trying to take my eyes off of his bare chest as I sat down.

Criss narrowed down at me, gripping tighter to the towel around his waist. "Talk… alright. I'm all ears. Just give me like 2 seconds to put a pair of pants on."

You could leave them off… please…

"I guess, but if you go over the 2 second mark, I'm ruling the pants out." I hollered as he headed into his bedroom.

"I don't think we'd TALK then!" Criss laughed as I heard a dresser drawer close.

"It COULD wait!" I joked. The more delays for this conversation the better.

"Alright I'm back. Sorry about that." Criss returned wearing a part of sweat pants and a plain black T-shirt.

"It's okay. I won't count it against you, THIS time." I winked playfully.

Criss chuckled. "So, what's on your mind?"

I could tell by the intense look on his face that he already knew why I was there.

"Well, I know that you've been wanting to know about everything that I've been so called hiding from you lately and I figured that the sooner I got this off of my chest the better we'd both probably feel…" I began as I chipped the last remaining dot of red nail polish off of my pointer finger.

Criss nodded. "I respect that."

"So go ahead, ask away… anything…"

It took him a moment before he questioned, "Have you spoken to Ryan since the other day?"

I nearly laughed. "Are you kidding me?! Of course not. He can get fucked."

Criss distorted his face rather comically. "I take it you don't plan on EVER talking to him again?"

"Not after what he brought up." I replied sharply. "That was really shitty and low of him."

"Were you two together when you went into the hospital?"

I shook my head 'no'. "I was in the hospital in high school. I didn't meet Ryan until college."

"I see… so what exactly were you in for?" He asked in a near whisper.

My eyes shut not wanting to see his facial expression as I replied, "Attempted suicide."

The room seemed to grow heavy with silence and the dark abyss behind my eyelids suddenly felt frightening. I knew I should have lied… I could have at least said I had OCD or something a little less sever.

"Melissa that's horrible, what caused you to want to such a thing?" Criss finally broke me from my obscurity.

"Well, I was 17 at the time. Everyone knows that age is a tumultuous point in everyone's life as it is. You know, the whole teenage angst stage… well, I was at my peak. I think it really escalated after the death of my father, he passed away in a plane crash when I was 15, but that's a whole other story within it's itself. Anyway, I decided that it would be an awesome idea to host the coolest house party while my mom and step dad where out of town. At first I had only invited my closest friends, but then they invited their friends, and their friends invited theirs and before I knew it I had half the damn high school at my school and more illegal drugs and beer kegs than I knew what to do with." I paused to nervously laugh and Criss giggled. "So, anyhow… I can't lie shit got really hazy by midnight… pretty much everyone was intoxicated and/or stoned, including myself. That's when my tool for a boyfriend at the time decided it would be a great idea to go swimming. So I grabbed my best friend Marsha and begged her to come in the pool with me." I paused starring down at Criss's knee for a moment trying to collect myself.

"She agreed saying something to me along the lines that she wasn't that great at swimming. Being the moron that I was I just ignored her…. And before I knew my boyfriend had thrown me in the pool and tossed in Marsha next. She kept on kicking and screaming for him to stop the entire time but I think he was either too drunk to pay attention or figured that she was just being prissy about the situation. The water was freezing cold since it was nearing the end of August and we still hadn't gotten to closing the pool up yet, so right after he tossed me in I climbed right on out. I assumed that Marsha would follow right after…. But, she never did… I really don't remember too much about it all after that point… I remember me trying to dive in after her once we had realized she hadn't come back up. We thought it was a joke, you know? I remember her being pretty blue in the face… I think I remember that the most… the bluish gray…" I paused for a long moment before I felt a tear roll down my cheek. "So, after Marsha passed away that's when I tried to take my own life about a week later by downing a bottle of Tylenol… which I wouldn't recommend that to anyone." I shivered, "Getting your stomach pumped is horrible pain. I suppose just felt so guilty and helpless about it all. Plus, the kids at school really weren't making it any easier on me either, they were fucking brutal about it, leaving death threats and shit on my locker and my car… it was outrageous. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks. It really took me a long time to recover from that, I still think about her everyday."

Criss reached over and pulled me into his arms. "I'm so sorry that had to happen to you."

I didn't realize I had been crying so hard until I sniffed. "Yeah, it's alright. Like I said, it was a long time ago, Criss. I'm sorry that it even had to be brought up. I really hope you don't think that I'm a horrible person."

His hand ran gently through my hair causing my head to press harder into his shoulder. "If anything I think you are one of the bravest people I have ever met. To concur and get over a hurdle in life like that is amazing. Especially to come out of it and then use your experience to help others."

I half-smiled as I pulled away from him to look into his eyes. "Seriously?"

"Seriously, I wouldn't lie to you." He returned my smiled as he wiped at my cheeks.

"Any more questions?" I asked through a breath.

His forehead rested on mine. "No, not right now. I think you put it all out there babe, you?"

I smirked. "Next time can you please leave the pants off?"

NOTE: THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN READING! I HAVE CREATED ANOTHER POLL, THIS ONE IS FOR BLURRED REALITY, PLEASE VOTE, ITS ON MY PROFILE PAGE, IT HAS TO DO WITH UPCOMING CHAPTERS! YAY!

Always,

Deppdependant