Warning: Throughout the duration of this subplot there is a running gag about a certain part of a certain person's anatomy. The lines were thought up in a very amusing brainstorming session and ze beta and I are both equally guilty. We apologize. Tigger, I don't know what to say except... please don't shoot us.
Ten Years Old - 2016
"You got troubles; I got 'em, too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. If we stick together we can see it through. 'Cause you've got a friend in me. Yeah, you've got a friend in me." - Randy Newman, "You've Got a Friend in Me"
John pushed the button on the side of his watch, quickly ducking and covering his head. The resulting explosion took out what was left of Fat Cat's lab below him, and as soon as the debris had settled he lowered himself from the ventilation shaft and set off to find Brenda. He stepped over burning rubble, careful not to singe his finely tailored suit, and called her name. "Brenda!" Seeing one of Fat Cat's dead guards lying near the entrance of the charred laboratory, he grabbed the man's weapon and checked to make sure it was fully loaded. It was.
Suddenly, he heard a scream from across the hall--and the sound of a blow landing. He darted across the hall and aimed his weapon at his enemy, who was holding a young woman against his body with a gun barrel pressed to her temple. "John, please!" she cried. She looked a lot like Evie, except for the fact that her hair was blonde and she was nearly popping out of her scanty little outfit.
"Let her go, Fat Cat, or I'll blow you away," John threatened.
Fat Cat laughed sinisterly. "If you want the girl alive," he said in his deep, raspy voice, "I suggest you drop your weapon. And don't think about trying anything fancy, I have one of my men in position to take you out if you try anything."
"You're bluffing!" John said with a smirk. Suddenly a shot whizzed by his head, nicking his ear.
"I warn you, I'm not a patient man," Fat Cat growled.
"Alright!" John said, wincing at the pain from his ear. "You promise you'll let her go?" he asked.
"You have my word," Fat Cat promised, lying through his teeth.
"And what good is that?" John asked. Suddenly, he fired his weapon, shooting Fat Cat right between the eyes. Just as soon as his finger had squeezed the trigger, he dropped and rolled out of range as bullets peppered the spot where he had just been. "Brenda!" he called, throwing her the weapon.
Brenda caught the gun and fired upon the sniper's position. The man fell from the balcony with a cry. "What were you thinking?" she cried as he stood and dusted himself off. "You could have been killed!"
"And the alternative would have gotten us both killed!" he said, pulling her against him and kissing her roughly. A sudden beeping of his watch interrupted his pleasure. He pushed her back and looked down at the gadget. "Oh, shit. We've gotta get out of here!" He grabbed her hand and the two of them began running for the entrance of the mountain complex. John knew there wouldn't be time for a speedy getaway in his silver Aston Martin, so once they'd reached the surface, John examined his options. Option. "Brenda, do you trust me?" he asked.
"Of course," she answered.
"Good." He squeezed her hand and then took off running toward the edge of the mountain, pulling her along.
When she saw his intentions, she cried, "Are you crazy?!"
"Jump!" John commanded just as there was a loud explosion from behind them. Brenda closed her eyes and leapt with him. The entire top half of the mountain exploded as they fell towards the water. It seemed like an eternity before they made impact and when they did, the water was freezing.
When Brenda surfaced, gasping, she quickly latched onto Sheppard. "You're insane!" she cried. "You could have gotten us both killed!"
"But I didn't," he smiled, pulling her in for a kiss.
Brenda jerked away from him and began treading water on her own. She scowled at John, hating the man for making her fall in love with him. After a minute, however, she shivered and allowed him to take her into his arms. "Just for warmth," she mumbled even as she let her hands run over the muscles in his strong arms.
"Of course," he murmured with a smirk. "What do you say we warm up back at my hotel room?"
Brenda smiled. "I think I'd like that." Then she finally allowed him to really kiss her. A deep, passionate kiss.
Suddenly, she began shaking his shoulders. "Wake up! Wake up!" a distant voice called. John pulled away from Brenda as she continued shaking him and watched as she slowly morphed into Rodney.
"Naptime's over, Colonel. It's time to go."
John opened his eyes sleepily. "Wha--?"
"You can be James Bond some other time," Rodney said, smirking.
"How did you--"
"The mumbled, 'Sheppard. John Sheppard,' in a horrible British accent was a dead give away," Rodney answered wryly.
"You finished fixing the…the whatever it was?" John asked, still slightly groggy.
"Yes, I fixed it," Rodney said with a sigh.
"Who is James Bond?" Teyla asked inquisitively.
"I promise to show you sometime," John said, getting up from the chair and stretching.
"Come on, come on," Rodney prompted. "While you were asleep, Ronon and Teyla packed up our gear and we left it outside the magistrate's hall because he doesn't like weapons. And we don't want some fool villager messing around with our stuff, so let's go."
John eyed him suspiciously. "Why are you so anxious to get back, McKay?"
Rodney paused, then answered, "It's Mary's and my anniversary, if you must know."
John grinned. "You two gonna party hearty?" he asked with a smirk as the four of them began walking toward the entrance of the magistrate's hall. Rodney rolled his eyes and didn't dignify John with an answer.
When they got outside, the team found a strange woman going through their gear.
"Put your hands where we can see them," John ordered, aiming his weapon at her.
The woman sighed and slowly raised her hands.
"Now turn around."
The woman did as commanded and when she did, everyone but Ronon gasped.
Rodney nearly dropped his weapon. "A-Allina?" he stammered.
Allina didn't say anything but maintained eye contact with McKay.
"What the hell were you doing digging through our gear?" John asked.
Allina still said nothing. Suddenly, she reached for something concealed at her waist. Sheppard aimed for her reaching arm, but given that she was moving quickly and that his aim was a hair too low, his bullet pierced her lung and knocked her to the ground.
"What the hell did you do that for?!" Rodney cried.
"She was reaching, McKay!" John answered defensively.
"For what?" Rodney yelled. "A coin purse? A banana? You don't know!"
Teyla was already by Allina's side. The woman glared up at the Athosian as she struggled to breathe. Teyla felt a weak pulse on her neck, and then watched sadly as Allina's body gave a final shudder. Teyla sighed. "She is dead."
"Check her waist," John ordered.
Teyla did so and pulled out a small gun. "It is a weapon for which she was reaching," she announced, standing up.
"But you had no way of knowing that!" Rodney insisted.
"Well, she was, and I reacted correctly," John snapped. "End of discussion, McKay."
"But--" When John shot him a glare, Rodney muttered, "Fine."
XXXXXX
An hour later the team had gotten back home and finished their post-Gate examinations. Having some unfinished business with Rodney, John set out to find the scientist and found him in the first place he tried: the lab. "I need to speak with Dr. McKay privately," he said to the two other scientists in the room. They quickly nodded and left the room.
"What do you want?" Rodney snapped, trying to finish up his current project before enjoying the lovely dinner his wife was planning for them.
"Why did you question me on shooting her?" John asked. "Look, McKay, when we go off-world, we need to…present a united front."
"Well, excuse me for questioning the moral implications of your decision," Rodney answered sarcastically.
"You can question," John said, "just…do it privately."
"Oh, so you can quash my concerns secretly?" Rodney asked sarcastically. "I don't think so, mein führer."
John sighed. "Rodney, you still don't get it…"
"I don't get it?" Rodney repeated indignantly. "Well, I get that going in with guns blazing isn't going to get us anywhere but dead!"
"She betrayed you!" John reminded. "It was no secret that you two had a thing for each other. Then she stabbed you in the back!"
"So you blew her away!" Rodney shot back.
"You think I like it?" John cried. "You think I like killing people? I don't! But sometimes it has to be done!"
"It wouldn't have to be done if you would listen to someone besides your own twisted version of a conscience."
John rolled his eyes. "Oh, that's just the kind of thing you'd say."
Rodney quickly went on the defensive. "You don't know anything about me," he ground out.
"You don't know anything about me!"
"I know all I need to! You're an arrogant, trigger-happy, sex-addicted Tom Cruise wannabe!" Rodney yelled, shielding himself by hurling insults.
"Arrogant?" John was incredulous. "You're calling me arrogant?!"
Rodney nodded smugly. "Very."
"Well, at least I'm not a pompous, egotistical, undersexed geek!" John spouted.
"Well, I don't obsess over my hair like a hormonal teenage girl!"
"Hey, at least I've got hair!"
"I'd rather have no hair than a dick that small!" Rodney knew it was a low blow, and probably not even true, but he was running out of ideas.
John snorted. "Are you kidding me? Remember Evie after we got married?" he smirked.
"You ever heard of a paid actress?" Rodney asked sarcastically.
John sighed and questioned wryly, "You're saying you paid Evie to give me a good ego stroking?"
"Didn't want you crying to your mommy when Evie wasn't impressed by your Kirk routine. Oh, that's right. You can't. She's gone." Rodney hadn't meant to be so harsh, but the words had tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them.
John's eyes flashed in anger and his fist shot out, connecting with the side of McKay's jaw. "At least my mother loved me!" he cried.
Tears came to Rodney's eyes, more from the sting of John's words than the pain in his face. "Fuck you, Sheppard!" he spat.
John raised his fist again, but didn't follow through when he saw Rodney instinctively recoil. "You know what?" he growled. "You're not even worth it…" With that harsh remark, John turned on his heel and exited the lab.
It took Rodney a few minutes to regain his composure. When he finally did, he stalked out of his lab and went to his quarters, where he banged drawers and stomped around as he got dressed for bed.
"Okay, what is wrong with you?" Mary finally asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it," he mumbled bitterly and flopped down onto the bed.
"Rodney," she said, gently, sitting down next to him. He refused to acknowledge her. "Rodney, look at me." He sighed and turned his face toward her; Mary gasped when she saw the light bruise on the side of his face. "Rod, what happened?"
He turned away again. "Nothing…"
"Rodney, who hit you?"
"I said I didn't want to talk about it!" he yelled and Mary jumped at his sudden change in volume. Rodney winced and said in a much quieter tone. "Please…just let it go."
Mary nodded slowly, then gave him a hug. Then she grabbed her magazine and lay down beside him.
A few minutes later, Rodney got up again and put his pants back on.
"Where are you going?" Mary called when he began heading for the door. "It's almost time for dinner…"
"I can't sleep," he said absently, walking out the door before Mary could call back that it wasn't even dark.
When Evie heard her door whoosh open, she looked up to see her husband stalk into her room. "Thanks for knocking," she said sarcastically. Noting his grumpy demeanor, she asked, "What's wrong with you?"
"I got into a fight with McKay," he muttered.
"And?"
"And I don't wanna talk about it," he growled.
"Fine," she said, returning her attention to the novel in her hands. A moment later, the book was snatched from her grasp and tossed carelessly onto the floor. "Hey!" He grabbed her arm and yanked her to her feet. "What do you think you'r--oof!" He practically threw her onto the bed. "I'm not going to serve as a punching bag for you to relieve your stress on," she warned.
"I need this," he uttered in a low voice, straddling her hips and leaning down to nibble on the side of her neck. The gentle nips, however, quickly turned into much harder bites, a little harder than Evie was comfortable with.
"John, please, yo--"
"Shut up," he growled, raising his head to look at her.
Evie's throat tightened and she looked like she might cry. The animalistic look in her husband's eyes frightened her and she slapped him across the face, hoping to get his attention. When this only appeared to incense him further, as was evident by him roughly grabbing her shoulders, she began trying to push him off her, shouting, "Get away from me, you animal!"
The fear manifest in her cry kicked John in the head. "Oh, God," he breathed. "Evie…" He quickly got off her, then reached a hand out to touch her arm.
"Don't touch me!" she cried, jerking away from the contact. "Go away!" There were tears trickling down her face. She grabbed her bear from the floor beside the bed and slowly backed away from him. When her back hit the wall in the corner, she slid down to the floor, sobbing into the bear's tattered fur as she tried to force away memories of Kenno.
Horrified at himself, John just watched as Evie began rocking herself slowly back and forth. "Please…get away from me," she managed. John turned and practically ran for the bathroom. Clutching the bear tightly, Evie quietly sang to herself her mother's lullaby. "Hush, little baby, don't say a word… Momma's gonna buy you a mockingbird…"
