I figured, when you are grieving and you have no one, sometimes it is yourself that pulls you out of it. You just need a reminder.
This is a heavy chapter for one, and it is laced with truth.

Maybe you know what I mean.

~Ebonyfire

Chapter 4:

The darkness was choking, wrapping around Dawnpaw's neck like a noose, cloaking her in shadows. She sucked in, trying to breath, but air seemed no were in this colorless hell. She began to panic, thrashing her limbs, Dawnpaw couldn't tell if her eyes were open or closed. This must be her punishment.

"Is someone there?…" Dawnpaw stretched her unseeing eyes wide at the foreign voice, frozen. Was that?...

"Rosetail! Rosetail It's me! I'm here! Rosetail where are you?!" Dawnpaw cried out into the darkness, why was she here? This place wasn't for her!

"Is someone there? Anyone there? Of course not…" Dawnpaw struggled even more, tears floating off her eyes in the gravitiless realm.

"Please!" she sobbed, "Rosetail I'm here! You have to listen to me! Please!..." Dawnpaw sobbed out in stillness, "Pleeaaaassee…"she couldn't control herself as she wailed, curling into a ball.

"It's all my fault you're here!..." Dawnpaw whimpered, "I'm so so so sorry…. I'm so sorry…. I'm sorry…."

"Dawnpaw…"

"I'm sorry…"

"Dawnpaw."

"Please forgive me…"

"Dawnpaw!"

"Wha-?!" she shot upwards shaking her head back and forth as she searched the area for her foster-mother. To her disappointment, in front of the winged apprentice was instead Fawnkit, her eyes filled with excitement.

"Oh thank Starclan your awake!" The light brown, white dappled she-kit danced around her big sister, "I have to hurry! You can't ever talk when you take your medicine!"

Fawnkit was right, whenever Dawnpaw took her anti-depressant herb she wasn't just cured of her sadness, it was like swimming through a fog. Everything was numb, her body, her thoughts, her feelings. It was as if the herb treated like if your living was too much to handle, then not handling anything was the best result. In that state she couldn't eat right, speak right, or even make dirt correctly. She definitely couldn't set one paw in front of another correctly either.

"What do you want Fawnkit?" Dawnpaw mumbled, right now, she would rather be sleeping, -but on second thought- after that dream, maybe being awake couldn't cause that much harm.

"You need to help us train!" she mewed, a little quieter this time since she noticed Dawnpaw flinch, "We will be apprentices soon after all!"

Dawnpaw's eyes widened, "Already?" she was taken a little bit aback.

"Well, uh, yeah! We were born when you were around four moons old, and um, your almost two moons into your apprenticeship!"

Dawnpaw tried to smile but something caught in her throat, two moons? Had it really been that long since she became an apprentice? She tried to recollect exactly the layout of events in her head but a haze covered the way and she instead took and shaky breath in and looked at her little sister.

"Sure, I'll he-" but before she could finish Fawnkit had already squealed with delight, hopping up and down.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" she purred and Dawnpaw couldn't hold back a small purr herself. Cheer from the kit seemed to be contagious.

"Follow me, okay?" the brown kit jumped up and crawled up the steep walkway out of the medicine cat den. Dawnpaw shakily got up and took a deep breath before following, she hadn't left the den in about a week.

"Wait up!" she coughed, emerging out of the dank darkness. She shielded her azure eyes with her tail as the bright sun bleached her vision white. As she opened her eyes, she let her gaze adjust to the day and took in the world around.

Around her cats padded to and fro, mouths carrying prey or just talking with smiles. It was so… normal. Just a regular day in the Clan, the only ones that seemed any sort of gloomy was Tawnyrobin and a few other cats, but they even kept on with their duties as they dealt with their grief. How? How could they just move on?

Memories flashed into Dawnpaw's mind.

They had just returned to camp, the storm had turned to a light rain and darkness was all around. Cats huddled up, hungry for the news of the battle, and Honeystar informed them of their victory and cats were cheerful. Until-

"But," Honeystar's worry was apparent, "We have brought grave news."

She leapt onto the Clan-Branch and every cat gathered but Dawnpaw, who sat and watched farther away, head low in shock, grief, and shame. She told the cats of the winged apprentice coming to the battle, and killing a Rainclan cat. The crowd gasped, cursing her name, some in denial, others demanding that she be thrown out now that her "true colors" have been revealed. Fireflypaw swore up and down that she didn't mean to kill her, and that she is suffering from this, but the cats retorted in malice that now Rainclan, one of their current, largest enemies, knew about the Starclan forsaken child. Honeystar's angry gaze then was swallowed in grief.

"She didn't just do it for no reason though, to my understanding, I'm afraid we lost a brave warrior and queen in battle," every cat turned and looked around, and Tawnyrobin let out a long, low, cry. Brackenheart raced over to her, demanding where Rosetail was, each time he repeated the question his yowl became louder until the point where tears edged his amber-gold eyes and his voice broke.

After some struggle getting her body over the stepping stones, the rest of the patrol returned, dragging her in. Her form was limp and growing stiff, her eyes closed eternally.

Brackenheart stared in disbelief, rushing over. He let out a loud, drawn out, mournful yowl as he looked upon his mate brokenheartedly. Brackenheart's voice cracked with grief as he felt his chest torn open. His sobs echoed throughout, stabbing sharply into Dawnpaw's heart, haunting her.

"What, what about the kits?" the question belonged to Littleleap, who's expression was of despair and thick grief, "How could they take her death? They're so young…" his voice turned into a low wail.

Brackenheart didn't look away from her body, barely able to force out words as he crouched over Rosetail next to Tawnyrobin, "No," he choked out, "They can't- they can't know she's-" he shook his head, swallowing sobs, "No one can tell them, not until they're ready- not until they are o-older. Don't let them out of the nursery until she's b-" it hurt to look at his sorrowful expression, his heart shattered, "buried," with that he shoved his muzzle into her neck fur, her sweet scent fading quickly.

Though the land was dark and wet, three cats followed Speckledove out of camp, returning much later with several loads of flowers. They surrounded Rosetail's body with the flora, wild roses primarily. The medicine cat cleaned her wound and placed the flowers over it, and when she was finished, the closed buds forcefully opened and petals scattered over her corpse, the scent of death was masked and Dawnpaw stared upon her mother's body, looking only as though she was asleep. After the body was treated and the tradition fulfilled, cats came and paid their respects, Tawnyrobin and Brackenheart being the only ones to stay the entire night, though a certain cat found it hard to tear away from her body.

Wounds were dressed, and cats headed to their nests, but as others rested Dawnpaw received nothing in her exhaustion but the first of a long line of nightmares.

Dawnpaw blinked the images away, trying to flush out the sound of Brackenheart's mourning. The young kits knew nothing yet, only told that Rosetail wouldn't be here for a while, and even though they didn't know when she would be back, they didn't let it get them down.

"Come on!" Fawnkit chirped and Dawnpaw warily trotted across the log-bridge and through main camp, trying not to gather attention. But even without making a sound, heads turned and she flattened her ears to her head, ducking down, trying to avoid their gazes and murmurs. She galloped quickly through the fern tunnel and met Fawnkit at the edge of the island.

"Wait- what, what are we doing here?" she questioned the younger kit, and Fawnkit averted her eyes to the floor.

"Well, I, um, was hoping, we could, well-" Dawnpaw sighed.

"What?"

"Just possibly maybe train with me and Turtlekit out in a little hollow we found right out in the forest bordering the river?" she yammered speedily, Dawnpaw made a shocked look.

"How did both of you even cross the river rocks?" Fawnkit shook her head, guilt plaguing her expression.

"Well, 'we' isn't exactly the right thing to say… I had maybe tried to, erm, escape camp with my brother but chickened out and he actually crossed and got… stuck. So he went to find a warrior and found the "training hollow" near the river edge. He's been waiting for me and I need you to help us! -I mean- Train us!"

Dawnpaw furrowed her brow, this was a conundrum, but- Suddenly a form returning to camp, mouth filled with Roseroot, caught her attention. She widened her eyes with panic, she couldn't sort this out while fogged up on her meds! She would come back later, for now, she had other issues.

"H-hey! What are you-!?" Dawnpaw scooped up her foster sister in her jaws and leapt over to the other rocks, crossing as fast as her uncoordinated legs would carry her. Once she felt her paws hit the soft sand of the bank she knelt down and dove into the nearest bushes, gasping for breath. Usually this wouldn't phase her but she was, well, a bit out of shape at the moment.

"What-gasp-was that for?" Fawnkit panted from the impact, but before she could mew another word Dawnpaw placed her paw over her foster-sister's muzzle. So they laid silently for a moment before the muffled sound of pawsteps approached, and left.

"Whew, that was really close," Dawnpaw sighed, and Fawnkit rolled away from her clutch.

"Who were we avoiding?" she inquired, getting back up, Dawnpaw hid her face by looking away.

"I-It was Speckledove returning from getting my Roseroot," she stood up and shook out her pelt, "I just don't w-want you to get in trouble that's all."

Fawnkit tilted her head, but held her tongue, trying to avoid upsetting her sister with questions.

"Okay," she mewed after a hesitant breath, "Follow me, he said it was this way."

"Turtlekit?" Fawnkit mewed as they arrived to where she hoped was the place her brother had spoken of.

A small, dark brown tom-kit sat in the center of a patch of sand and moss, once he had heard their voices he sped around, a shining grin spreading across his face.

"Fawnkit!" he chirped, playfully bombarding his sister, she mewed happily and tussled with him.
"Dawnpaw! You're really here! This is so great!" he leapt off his sister and onto Dawnpaw, she grunted in surprise of how heavy and big he was getting and soon the group of siblings, whether blood or not, had begun to wrestle about. Dawnpaw laughed and play growled, lunging forward to try and subdue Turtlekit. Fawnkit screeched a battle cry and the two ganged up on the apprentice until she had been pinned underneath the kits, jokingly begging for mercy.

"See? We need training so we can become even more powerful!" Turtlekit held his head up with pride, his expression was of happiness, but as he got down it melted away and he turned his head.

Dawnpaw looked at him, but as she glanced over, out of the corner of her vision she spotted something looking out at them. Her pelt stood on end and she shot up to the direction she saw it.

Rosetail? A lump formed in her throat, and she scanned along the border of trees with a panicked gaze, where are you?

It wasn't just the nightmares that had forced her into the depression, whenever off the medicine she would swear she'd see Rosetail, just out of her field of vision. More nightmares stemmed off of this strange phenomena, causing Dawnpaw to begin to form an irrational fear that her adopted mother may be haunting her from Starclan in vengeance.

"Dawnpaw?" Fawnkit looked at her sister worriedly, "Is someone out there? Did you see something?"

The apprentice choked down the answer 'yes' and instead shook her head, gazing out into the forest. Turtlekit then looked gravely at her, the intensity in his sad eyes shocking.

"Why… is everyone acting so weird lately?" he mewed quietly, "Is it because… Mama has gone out of the Clan for a while?" Dawnpaw stared at him in shock, words not seeming to come out, but then a question formed in her mind.

"You two," she began, "Why did you really leave camp?" the apprentice knew she didn't need them to say it out loud.

"We want to find Mom… She left for battle and now she's gone? I- we thought she would come back in a few days but…" tears welled at the edge of Fawnkit's eyes, "I miss her!" she sobbed, "I want her to come home!" the she-kit wiped her face with a little white paw, Turtlekit looked just as distraught, his green eyes watery.

"Come here," the cream she-cat pulled her siblings closer with her tail, though young, they weren't that much smaller than she.

Dawnpaw's heart ached with grief, she felt her body begin to shake, "Rosetail-" she felt as though she was choking, "Rosetail…" the kits looked up at her with anxiety in their wide eyes.

"Rosetail isn't coming home."

The words hurt as they came out, Dawnpaw almost stuttered. The two kits' expressions reshaped into panic and sadness, confusion and grief.

"She was hit in the throat in battle," Dawnpaw couldn't hold back her tears, she soon fell into sobbing, "She's dead," the apprentice's voice turned into a low, weeping wail.

"What do you mean?" the kits were crying, confused and scared, "She can't be gone forever! No! I don't believe you!"

Dawnpaw opened her eyes, tears flowing down her cheeks, she shook her head at the kits and they began to cry, pressing their faces into her fur. She closed her eyes, silently sobbing as the kits wailed, even if they were young, instinct told them that death is something that no one comes back from, and when they were older they would understand.

The family curled into a ball, the two weeping into Dawnpaw's pelt and she gently wrapped a wing over them, tucking her nose next to them with her own tears melting down her face. After a few minutes the sobs turned to sniffles and everyone's eyes were puffy and wet, cheek fur soaked. Dawnpaw curled protectively around her siblings, groping for some words, any, to comfort them.

"Life," she began hesitantly, "is like a river, and along the way many get… stuck. Caught in the branches and we have to leave them behind," the children's eyes were closed, but their ears were perked as they listened silently, "All you have to do…" Dawnpaw continued, "is keep on swimming. The current doesn't stop for you, and the best you can do… is keep your head above the water. And for all those left behind… keep them in your heart and just try to keep going, try not to sink," Dawnpaw looked above, the sky peeking through the branches of the trees, "All who we love go to Starclan right?" she seemed to even be asking her own self this, "And so one day, far down the river, we'll get caught, and join everyone we've lost. But until then, we just have to keep going… we just have too…"

The two kits opened their eyes and nodded sadly, their little hearts burning in despair, but her words made the pain dull a little bit. She cleaned away their tears and her own, letting them all get up as they made their way back to camp. Dawnpaw took a second to realize that in all the times she cried, never before had she felt relief, like a stone being lifted out of her chest, before.

She helped them cross the river and they each silently slipped into camp, the older sister herding them to the nursery. Tadpolekit stumbled after them asking what was wrong, and as Dawnpaw glanced at the other kits they nodded at her, and she knew they would tell him. With that, the winged apprentice made her way back to the medicine cat den- but stopped.

She looked out over the river behind the tree, and beyond it she swore she saw a figure, pelt dappled in stars, expression a soft smile. Dawnpaw blinked and it disappeared, only thing left were dandelion puffs floating in the breeze. A warmth filled her chest and she realized that she had to keep going, keep her head above the water's surface. That was the only thing to do, she couldn't wallow forever, and Rosetail, she would want that.

Dawnpaw turned her back to the medicine cat den, Speckledove surely inside with her treatment, but she wouldn't take it. She couldn't anymore. She needed adventure, something to make life worth it, to give her something to do other than grieve. That feeling- the same feeling from before- the one that makes your heart flutter in a tinkle of excitement and mischief, a feeling of a plan forming.

Dawnpaw then exited, camp, leaping across the stones and breaking out into a run.

Oh yes. A plan indeed. I'm tired of boarders, limits, and being alone, she whipped down the trail, determination bright in her eyes, tired of being locked away and subdued. I know what to do.

So the apprentice ran, a plan in her mind, a plan very against the rules. And she loved it

as she ran straight to the Shadeclan border.