I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride, so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Pablo Nerudu
Lucy felt cocooned in a blanket of warmth, every limb deliciously loose and relaxed as she woke up. To be honest she hadn't slept much but that hadn't been because of nightmares or pain. She yawned, feeling the stretch of muscles she didn't normally use. Memories filtered back, flashes of the same pooling desire settling deep in her gut. She glanced over at Wyatt. He looked just as relaxed as she with hair a mess and all the lines on his face wiped away. He looked ridiculously young and boyish.
She smiled and reached out to touch his face. Perhaps it was still enough to…Her hand froze as she remembered Hollywoodland. She'd felt exactly like this then. Happy, satisfied and confident. Within a day her heart had torn apart. Panic filtered through her. She couldn't do this. Why had she done this? She'd thrown herself at him. While she had no doubt everything had been consensual that didn't mean it hadn't been her idea.
Stomach churning she sat up. Her companion didn't even move as she untangled herself from his arms. She must have worn him out. A smirk settled on her face. Then she remembered her controlling behavior the night before and flushed. What if she'd gone too far? Made him uncomfortable but he hadn't said anything. What if he thought she was some kind of freak?
Lucy stood up searching through her pile of clothes for her robe lying haphazardly on the floor. She ought to regret the night before. She couldn't. Remembering the soft, adoring look in his eyes as they moved together, the way her name sounded broken out and desperate on his lips and how she'd actually felt beautiful and wanted. Now all she could think of was how terrifying it was.
She blearily made coffee in the ancient coffee pot and stared out the window at the early morning landscape. A few minutes late he came out fully dressed and looking terrified. She saw the insecurity in his eyes. Awareness filtered through her. She hadn't realized how much time she'd spent remembering the past to the point she'd forgotten he was just as broken, bent and insecure as she was. She'd forgotten he'd said those four magic words to her she still hadn't managed. She wondered if she could ever say them back. It was so overwhelmingly terrifying.
"Lucy," she turned at the sound of her name. "Are you ok?"
He clearly thought she'd regretted it. And she had treated him like a one night stand, disappearing like this. It wasn't fair. She nodded, "I couldn't sleep so I decided to get up."
"What's wrong?" He put a tentative hand on her shoulder and she rested her head against him.
"I wasn't too…um…forceful…last night." Lucy could feel her face flushing. It was incredible how not embarrassed she'd been the night before and how proportionately embarrassed she was today.
"Do you see me complaining? Unless you wore yourself out." She glanced up to see him grinning at her, bright eyes twinkling at her. His expression changed, the blue darkening as he leaned over to press a kiss to her temple.
She was silent a long time, "Sorry I left. I just started panicking. I've lost everyone. I resolved never to let anyone else hurt me again. I've changed. I know I have. Me just two years ago never would have done any of these things."
"You have changed." She wondered if he was ok with that. "But I have never doubted that it's for the better."
"We're both a bit broken," her voice came out way too mournful. "But you understand me. I don't think you did before. But now…you do."
"You don't have to always be strong. Sometimes you can just cry."
Lucy turned and wrapped her arms around him, settling against him with a soft sigh. She loved the feeling of being in his arms, knowing that he had become her safe space. "I'll say it. I know I will. I just…I'm afraid to. I told Amy I loved her and she's gone. I told my mother I loved her, and she's gone. If I say the words then you'll be gone too."
She saw the happiness on his face as she glanced up at him. His eyes had stopped looking so sad and the smile took her breath away. It was rare to see that full-bodied smile, not the gentle reassuring one or the fake charming one.
"We didn't get caught this time." She murmured knowing her traitorous mind had already come up with ways to pass the time. When he tried kissing her she pulled away, "You haven't brushed your teeth."
"You haven't started training yet." He reminded her pulling the coffee cup from her hand and placing it on the table. "Come on."
"I had a good training exercise last night." She said slyly. She saw him smirk back at her obviously enjoying her out of character innuendoes.
"Sorry, Babydoll. That kind of exercise doesn't count." She groaned and rolled her eyes.
"I'm actually sore this morning." She grumbled but ran her lips along his throat. She knew she could distract him and it felt so good to do so.
"I'll go easy on you, ma'am." He tugged her towards the training area.
"You can't say ma'am to me anymore in public." She said.
"Why?" He replied attempting to capture her innocent tone.
"Because you know what it does to me." He did. He had to because he'd said it multiple times the night before. Something about the way he'd just been waiting for her orders at the same time reminding her of exactly how insubordinate he could be made her weak in the knees.
"Hmmm…not quite. I think I'll need further analysis of that point." Lucy rolled her eyes again.
"You are such a dork." Her hand reached up to stroke his jaw. Then she smiled and said, "Come on. Watch me kick your ass."
Lucy was settling into her morning routine when Jiya stopped in. Lucy saw her wince as she settled on Lucy's bed. "I'm still in pain. Getting shot hurts."
Lucy sat beside her and tried hard to hide the fact that things had changed. Jiya was way too perceptive. But a few minutes later Jiya started laughing. "Someone had a good night."
"What?" Lucy knew her playing dumb hadn't fooled Jiya.
"You have a mark on your neck." Jiya reached out to touch it and laughed again.
That was embarrassing. Like she was a teenager. She could feel her face flush. "Hey, don't get embarrassed. I'm just glad zombie wife won't be coming back." Jiya's tone made her calm down. She didn't get all embarrassed.
"Yeah, well, I'm just still having trouble. You know, saying the words." Lucy shrugged.
"Lucy just say them. 'I love you, Wyatt.' Say it to the mirror. To an empty chair. Just say them. He needs to hear it." Lucy nodded. She knew it was true but that didn't make it easier to say.
The nightmare with the broken Lifeboat made her a little crazy. The fact that she'd actually considered trying to take the broken Lifeboat to follow Emma by herself made her more than a little ashamed of herself. She'd been thinking of Amy and Jessica being brought back and the idea that any of them could be erased and never even know it. It was selfish. But hearing everyone fight her on it, especially Wyatt made her see red.
It wasn't until the Lifeboat was lost in time and she and Jiya were frantically working the controls that she realized just as selfish she'd been. If they died today Wyatt would never know how much she loved him. If she'd taken the Lifeboat by herself both her and the Lifeboat would be destroyed. Time was far too fickle a thing to play with. Those last moments, with only his arms holding her from being flung around the Lifeboat like a rag doll, made her realize how much her fear had destroyed her.
It hadn't been Jessica's return that had destroyed their relationship. It hadn't even been his actions entirely. It had been their insecurity, their inability to see each other as they really were, their foolish pride and attempts. She'd spent so much time rebuilding those walls that kept her safe that she'd forgotten she wasn't the only one hurting. If anything she'd always assumed he didn't truly love her. That she was a stand-in for Jessica. A second choice.
After they got out safely Lucy made her way back to the kitchen. Hands shaking she managed to boil water to make tea. The exhaustion of basically no sleep for days settled into her bones combined with the shock and sadness of what had happened. She knew Rittenhouse had changed history during the Chicago fire. She knew they'd nearly died and the Lifeboat was getting more and more dangerous. Her fingers found their way around the mug as she stood there shivering.
"Am I her?" Lucy didn't know the words had flown out of her mouth as Flynn walked into the room. She vaguely gestured to the teapot but knew he'd refuse. He hated tea.
"Who?" he asked
"The woman in the journal," Lucy replied. The desperate woman who'd traveled along her own timeline to rewrite history. Her history.
"No, but similar. Trying to go at it alone." He gave her a weird half smile and turned to retrieve the bottle of milk.
"Not my finest moment. Even I knew it was stupid." Lucy confessed.
"You need to say it. Your journal self never had a chance. That was why she was so bitter and angry. She ran out of time." Lucy shivered and turned away. She nodded.
"I'm serious, Lucy. Things aren't exactly easy right now. None of us know how much time we have left. Do you think I would have passed up one more opportunity to tell the people I loved how much I loved them? Lorena and Iris." She saw the sadness and pain on his face. Lucy nodded watching him soften imperceptibly. Over the years since Rufus had died, he'd gotten more and more focused on bringing back his family. Lucy desperately hoped that finding the formula to bring Rufus back would allow them to get Lorena and Iris back.
Lucy finished her tea and said, "Thank you. For everything. And for being honest. And not coddling me."
"When have I ever?" He shrugged and they both laughed.
Lucy yawned feeling the exhaustion sink deep into her bones. She wanted to collapse in a heap right there on the floor. She finally stumbled back to her room and undressed hastily. Crawling into bed she lay there in a sleepy haze. A few minutes later the connecting door opened and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Wyatt walk in. She stayed silent hoping he'd come and crawl in beside her. He hesitated. Would he have the courage to reach out to her? Finally, he moved towards the bed. Gently, he moved her back and crawled in beside her. The warmth of his body settled into her bones, soothing the chill feeling despite the heat in the room from the warm spring weather.
Lying there, wrapped and entangled together she felt more at peace than ever. The sleepy haze disappeared and she opened her eyes. He was looking at her again, that soft expression fully present on his face, and she smiled. It felt right. Reaching out a hand she stroked his face feeling the rough stubble under her fingers. "Wyatt, I love you." She finally said. Shockingly the words came so easily. Like breathing.
The glitter in his eyes reminded her of how long he'd waited to hear those words. He'd never complained, been shockingly patient for a reckless hothead and had seemed to think that it was an unbelievable honor to have her love. " Lucy, I love you. So much."
She smiled into the kiss feeling the enthusiastic little pecks all over her face and neck. Exultation purled its way through her veins. She clung to him fighting back another yawn. It was an unsuccessful attempt. He laughed at her and then said, "You have terrible timing."
"I guess I do." She replied. "Both of us do."
He wrapped an arm around her and held her tightly. "Just sleep, I'll be there in the morning."
For the first time, she actually believed him. Their present was far from perfect. And they were broken lost souls. But it was theirs. They were together. The rest would blow away.
Author's Note: I'm really glad this fic is actually finished and I've almost posted all of it because there is so much fandom drama and triangle stuff in the promos I'm losing my mojo. I'm also a bit disappointed to find out my Future Lyatt is completely the opposite of the ones in the movie who are apparently not exactly friendly towards each other. Oh well, I will continue to write my characters my way. My suspicion is they changed it to fit the Christmas Carol theme.
Lucy finally said it. She finally said those magic words. It's been such a journey for them these past two years. Them finally putting aside the darkness and pain and embracing each other is really powerful. Regardless of what happens in the movie in terms of these two I still love them. I'm just sad that they have been all but destroyed by a stupid love triangle.
