Oh look, an update! *whispers* for those of you interested, I have also posted an update over at Two Wrongs *shamelessly self-advertises* AND I will be starting another separate fic soon (It will be called Start All Over, keep an eye out). I know that might not be a wise thing to do, with all the onslaught of study work that will surely come at me in the very near future, but oh well. Let's do this!
Meanwhile, have the Scribbles of book 3. I'm well aware that some of my regulars haven't read this book, but...God I just love it, I mean! Iblis grants wishes in here! And fulfills them like! He's sexy! (btw I'm really honestly playing with the thought that he was depressed all through the book. It shines an interesting light on his character.)
(God I'm in too deep)
(It's just like I said one day "So Mr. Kerr, apparently you don't want this character anymore, so I'll adopt him, like" *leads Iblis away on leash*)
To Guest53: I take it you don't like Rudyard? It's cool. Thanks for the review anyway! And yeah I didn't update 'cause I had no internet at the new place yet. Sorry. I hope there's internet next week. Also, do you remember how I once promised you to write that separate fic where all the tribes unite against a common enemy? It was like ten chapters back. Do you still want that? Because I do that now. A little plotbunny came to me and gave me a plot and I'm totally writing it now.
To Justreading: It was, wasn't it? Writing a ton of villain angst delights me, I admit. It's all part of my agenda. Don't worry, this chapter isn't sad at all!
11-yo-me: I've just bought book three!
18-yo-me: Hello darkness my old friend...
Ominous prologue: *is ominous*
The prime minister: *has apparently lost his marbles*
Sudden scene change to Nimrod and Layla with baby twins.
Nimrod: Your babies are ugly.
Layla: I want you to go away and leave me alone. Like, forever.
Nimrod: Phh! *returns home pouting*
Groanin: There's a...person here to speak to you.
Dr. Warnakulasuriya: Hello sir *kisses Nimrod's hand* I am filled with deep respect to the djinn *hugs Nimrod* and I also love you *licks Nimrod's shoes* please come and help us because the prime minister has lost his marbles.
Nimrod: Uhm...alright...?
Dr. W.: I think he's possessed by a djinn. A djinn who wants to have some guy killed.
Nimrod: Oh dear, whom?
Dr. W.: Oh, it's some horribly outlandish name. Not English at all. I can't even pronounce it, so I wrote it down. *hands over the note with the name*
Nimrod: *reads* Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. *pockets the note, probably for the purpose of dreamily staring at the name and sighing later*
Me: Ominous, ominous!
Later at Downing Street.
Angry djinn girl possessing the prime minister: I just wanted to have Iblis killed.
Nimrod: *sigh* Well, don't we all?
Me: Whew, Iblis again! Whenever something weird happens, he's bound to be wrapped up in it, huh? Also, how on earth can Doctor Ruchira P. Warnakulasuriya have problems pronouncing "Iblis"
Angry djinn girl: He ruined my family.
Nimrod: Cool story, sis.
[Iblis offhand commentary: It's what I do. I ruin families. It's my job. *shrugs* I'm life's trash.]
Narrator: Uh, by the way, for those who have miraculously forgotten: Iblis is evil. Just coming by real quick to remind you! This guy is no good news. Because he's so evil. Evil evil eeeeeeeeeeevil.
Me: Hmmm. Let's just, for the whole book, exchange the word "evil" for "sexy" and watch the results.
Nimrod: I must confirm. Iblis is the...sexiest djinn in the world. *cough cough* Anyhow, time for you to go. *does cat hair ritual*
Angry djinn girl: *disappears*
Dr. W.: *fanboys in the background*
Narrator: And now to something completely different. Dybbuk stealing some stuff.
Me: *groans* Not Dybbuk...
Narrator: And now to something even more completely different: The twins, planning to have the lamest birthday party ever.
John and Philippa: This is so lame.
Layla: I'm still perfect.
Me: *weary sigh*
Layla: Kids, let me show you your soul mirrors.
Me: PSYCH! Awesome! *develops a thousand headcanons around soul mirrors*
Narrator: That night, some strange guys broke into the house.
Edward: I'm gonna defend my family! RAARGH! I'm the strong, dominant male!
Layla: No darling, let me do this, I'm far more perfect! Only I can beat them! *turns the guys into wine bottles*
The next morning.
John: ...and then she turned them into wine bottles.
Philippa: Psych. Oh look what I found! *shows John Ugly Amulet*
Layla: I feel bad because I stopped my husband from promoting negative gender roles (and probably getting hurt) last night. I just hope the two human beings I turned into wine bottles for him to drink will make up for it. Also, look at the cool safety precautions I made for your wisdom teeth.
Philippa: Cool, mom. We found this ugly amulet.
Layla: I'll send it to Nimrod. *eats it* Remember to always diet, girls! *perfect smile*
Nimrod: *throws it up later*
Me: Gee, being a djinn is a sticky business, huh? Always throwing things up...
Mr. Rakshasas: This Ugly Amulet is a symbol of an evil cobra cult. I must go to India to find out more.
Nimrod: I'll come with! *after some consideration* D'you think Iblis could be in with these cobra guys?
Mr. Rakshasas: Naah no.
Nimrod: Nonetheless, I want to find him. For...the twins. Yes.
Me: You could have gone find him right after he escaped...right? But you didn't for some unfathomable reason and now he's out there, well done.
Kindly Mr. Rakshasas: *sees the good in everyone* Iblis is filth. Utter filth.
Nimrod: Umm...let's just look for the cobra guys.
Narrator: Iblis had a score to settle.
Me: Yes yes yeeeees! *swoons*
Author: Ah, no no no. Please, there will be nothing to swoon here.
Me: Mr. Author Man, you obviously don't understand. If this line just said "Iblis was eating toast", I would still swoon. We're gonna have some Iblis-action in this book. That's all that counts.
Author: Um, nah. Actually, to prevent fangirling, I thought of an idea. Let's have our villain act totally repulsive in every way to creep people out.
Me: I found porn.
Iblis: I have lost control of my life. And my facial hair. But mostly my life.
Oleaginus: I'm a house slave. I'm lame and my life sucks.
Me: *screeches* It is an honor to serve the Dark Lord!
Iblis: Agreed. Now you go find the twins and Nimrod for me, and I'll grant you three wishes.
Me: Me?!
Iblis: No, not you, fourth wall girl. Him.
Oleaginus: Oh.
Me: List of things I'd wish for from Iblis:
-a written book contract
-More drawing talent
-A night. With him. Yeah. Hmm. I wonder what the rules of Baghdad say about djinn getting asked for sexual favors. It must happen a lot, given that they all look soooooo attractive.
Meanwhile back in New York.
John: Look here, Phil! A horribly misspelled mail from Dybbuk! He wants us to come out to some island to help him.
Philippa: Jesus Christ, who writes mail anymore?! Couldn't Dybbuk have messaged me on Facebook or something? Also why should we even bother with him? It's not like we're...super good friends. In fact we met only once and he played a pretty mean trick on us. So why help him?
John: Hmmm...because we're bored?
Philippa: True. Let's go.
Afriel: I'm a hobo angel. Here, have two elsewheres so your mom won't freak out. Also, take this cryptic hint: Dybbuk needs your help in more ways than one.
Hindsight: Ha! Ha! *snorts*
So John and Phil go to Bannerman's Island and meet Dybbuk (aka the Supreme Troll).
Dybbuk: Alright you guys, I really need your help. Some people have murdered my friends and now they're after me.
Philippa: Uh-huh. And they were after you lucky charms.
Dybbuk: No, after that picture here. *shows them painting with snakes on*
John: Oh look! There's a secret code.
Dybbuk: So, what now?
Twins: When in doubt, always ask Uncle Nimrod. So, we're going to London.
Dybbuk: *gets dragged along to London*
But unfortunately Nimrod is in India with Mr. Rakshasas. They chat to angels, hunt tigers and have a generally good time. They capture two djinn tigers and bottle them up. Weird thing there: Nimrod tags their bottle with a sticker that says "CAUTION: DJINN TWINS". Instead of, like, DJINN TIGERS which would be far less misleading. Like, someone might try opening the bottle out of some crazy misunderstanding and get eaten...
Nimrod: Now, that won't happen. That's silly talk!
Hindsight: *facepalms* Nimrod P. Godwin, the P stands for disaster...
Nimrod: It stands for Plantagenet, actually. Who are you anyway?
Hindsight: Hindsight.
Nimrod: Ooooh, can you tell me what will happen in the future?
Hindsight: Well, for one, these tigers will maul your evil boyfriend.
Nimrod: HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND, I JUST RESPECT HIM AS AN ENEMY! Wait, what?!
Narrator: *radiant smile* Don't listen to Hindsight, Hindsight's craaaazy...on with the plot! *points at sky* To London!
In London.
Groanin: *arrives and sees twins plus Dybbuk at the door* What are you doing here?
Twins: We're camping out!
Dybbuk: I'm cold.
Groanin: Who the f are you?
Twins: This is Dybbuk. He's in trouble. He broke into a military base and stole some paintings and now there's snake people wanting to kill him.
Groanin: Oh, alright, come in, kids.
After some chatting up, they check out Mr. Rakshasas's lamp.
Dybbuk: Holy fudge muffin, it's a library! I hate books! It's cool to hate books, right? I am cool. I'm a cool guy. You hear that, Philippa? I am cool!
Philippa and John: *signs of slight exasperation* Let's just search for clues...
Bottle imp: Aarghwaarghblaargh! I'm intimidating!
Philippa: Oh my gosh!
Bottle imp: *mood swings* I'm also the librarian! Let me bring you any book you want.
Philippa: O...kay!
Book: So basically there were these snake cultists in India who enslaved young Mr. Rakshasas, and this guy had that magic amulet that made him immune to snake bites and that was seven kinds of awesome until! They were all killed by the British. And then that British General guy had that picture painted. You know, the one with the secret code in.
Twins plus Dybbuk: Dang! I guess that means we gotta go to India.
Meanwhile outside the lamp, Groanin is a badass and battles some snake thug dudes.
The plot goes back to India where Nimrod and Mr. Rakshasas manage to get themselves drugged and kidnapped. Nimrod, you walking disaster, you. Also Iblis's unintelligent servants break into their room and snag the bottle with the two tigers. Sigh.
The twins, Dybbuk and Groanin also arrive in India. Everyone's in India now. Must be a really awesome place to go to. Seriously, I'd love to travel there. But I digress.
Dybbuk and Groanin: *have a bitchfest*
John and Philippa: *decipher the secret code in the picture*
Philippa: Okay, the secret message says this British army guy has gone to a place. It's a lucky place. But he'll also die there. And then there's a lot of jabbering about snakes.
John: This doesn't make sense.
Groanin and Dybbuk: *continue bitching at each other*
Suddenly Dybbuk: Lucknow.
Everyone: What?
Dybbuk: We have to go to Lucknow. That's the place.
Everyone: How?
Dybbuk: I'm allowed to know something once in a while too, okay?!
Me: He's still unbearable.
Philippa: I hate it when he's right...
Me: Sister, I feel you.
So they hop on a whirlwind and fly to Lucknow. On the way there, they get lost in some mountains and run into a yeti who really is a guy with a really stupid name. But he's not that important, so they leave again. They end up at the Ashram of that insane, disgusting guru guy. God, this guy, I can't even write about him, ew ew eeewww. Opposed to the amount of pure ick this guy has going on, Iblis losing control of his facial hair over in Vegas is class impersonated. He also has a call center that is the most devilish thing I've ever had the enormous displeasure to read of. Seriously, I got worried about the author when I read that book.
Anyway, they find out that the disgusting guru is really the leader of the snake cultists. He has captured Nimrod and Mr. Rakshasas, and now the twins and Dybbuk also. He wants to inject himself with their blood in order to turn himself into a djinn. Alas, it goes awry.
Guru: *tells a story about how he's really the doctor who fanboyed over Nimrod in the prologue, thus coincidentally laying his dirty fingers into Dybbuk's daddy issues, turns into a faux-djinn, then combusts*
Twins: Ew.
Dybbuk: LOL!
Nimrod: *wakes up* What's going on?! Did you kids save my life again? Gee, it's almost like I can do nothing by myself!
Mr. Rakshasas: *wakes up too* I can add nothing to that, save for the fact that I'm awfully old.
Nimrod: *gives him the cobra amulet*
Mr. Rakshasas: Hmm...nope. Still old. Thank you anyway.
Groanin: *waves his two arms in the air like he just don't care* *I told you he has those now, did I?*
They all get outside and Nimrod has a heart-to-heart with Dybbuk about daddy issues. Which went just about like this:
Dybbuk: My mom is to blame for everything! I mean, she slept with Iblis!
Nimrod: Relax! Who hasn't?
Dybbuk: what
Nimrod: *whispers* I'm saying that your father is a slut. *wink wink*
Dybbuk: Mmmkay thanks. That didn't help at all. In fact I'm mentally scarred now.
Kindly Mr. Rakshasas: *still sees the good in everyone* I can't wait to see the face of that guy who broke into our room and stole the bottle with the djinn tigers. Being eaten by tigers is a totally legit punishment for breaking and entering. Mwahahaha! I'm a good djinn.
Me: Seriously? Seriously?!
Meanwhile at Iblis's. [I know I give way too much attention to the, like, two times in the book where Iblis turns up, but hey...he fulfills wishes here! You can't ignore that!]
Iblis: Well, well, look who's here. Oleaginus the human parasite. Oh, and the spectacled gremlin from beyond the fourth wall who writes down everything I do.
Me: *wearing a black-and-red cloak and a t-shirt that says "Mance Rayder for the Iron Throne"* Beyond the Wall rules! *turns to Iblis* Also, honey, you didn't leave that bed for three weeks. I think you might be depressed.
Iblis: *snaps* I'm not depressed! Now leave, I want to sleep for three more weeks. With occasional interruptions for ice cream and crying.
Oleaginus: I have this bottle where it says "twins" on. I'm p sure that that's the droids we're looking for.
Me: *screaming* No nope nnnnooooo! Those are NOT the droids you're looking for!
Nobody: *listens*
Iblis: Right! I'll take your word for it, incompetent servant!
Oleaginus: So...um...what about...my reward now?
Iblis: Whuh? Oh. Yeah sure. What was it you wanted again? Was it a blowjob? Please tell me it wasn't a blowjob.
Oleaginus: Actually it was...three...wishes?
Iblis: Ah yes, that thing. Alright, so, wish away.
Oleaginus: I wish I had, like, a shitload of money.
Iblis: And how much exactly is a shitload?
Oleaginus: Like five billion dollars.
Iblis: Sure thing. *gets him five billion dollars, only not really*
Oleaginus: Aaaand I wish I was more attractive.
Iblis: Dude, you have a shitload of money now. Women will flock to you. Just don't expect me to give you dressing advice.
Oleaginus: *looks at Iblis in his three weeks old pjs* I don't expect that, sir.
Iblis: And your last wish! And fucking hurry. (Don't say sexual favors, don't say sexual favors. Or freedom. Or sexual favors.)
Oleaginus: I wish I was an awesome pianist!
Iblis: Oookay, nice wish! Here's a piano, play anything. I will now open this bottle. Yes, that is a wise thing to do. *opens the bottle*
Tigers: *maul him*
Iblis' ghosty form: Ohshitohshitohshitohshit *floats away*
11-yo-me: I almost lost my favorite character! Muh fuggin fuuuuuu!
18-yo-me: *sigh* Yeah...Iblis lives through another book...sssooo relieved...
Meanwhile Nimrod plus twins have returned to New York to find that Layla has gone away to rock the hood in Babylon and their father is now an old man. Well, at least he can't promote negative gender roles that way. Anyway, Nimrod tells the twins a story about Faustina and how Iblis is Dybbuk's father.
11-yo-me: What? WHAAAAT?! Ooooh my glob, that explains so much!
18-yo-me: Gee, thanks Iblis.
Iblis: *running away from tigers in the background while Oleaginus plays the Idiot March on the piano* Sooorryyyy...
Nimrod: *puzzled look at the happenings beyond the fourth wall* Umm...anyway. Your mother is gone, your father is an old man, your friend Dybbuk is Born Evil, there is no way right now that you can change anything (except there might be maybe, but I'm not telling you that because I'm a bag of dicks) but on the bright side...you're all grown up now! Yaaaay. *party popper*
Twins: Um.
Nimrod: *pats their heads*
Twins: Uncle, you're making us uncomfortable. Again.
Nimrod: Oh do I? I guess I do. I'm sorry. I make people uncomfortable. That's who I am. And that's why people always leave me. My mother, who is now dead, left me. In a few books, I will tell you about my wife, who left me. And now my sister left me. And my evil boyfriend slept with Jenny Sachertorte and conceived a child that is the definition of annoying. That's just my awkward, clumsy, ugly self making people uncomfortable! I AM SO ALONE *stomps off crying*
Twins: Um.
The end.
