Hi, everyone. I just wanted to say thank you for all your feedback over my last few updates. It will be a while before some fics, like A Different Way and Dear Diary come to an end so as long as you want me to keep posting, I will. Thank you again. You all really lifted me on what was a really difficult day. Love, IJKS xxx
Chapter Twenty Eight
Charlie had eaten her weight in ice cream and drunk too much wine. With VJ in bed and Miles banished, Leah and Ruby were doing everything they possibly could to cheer her up. But her tears continued to flow. She had to continually blow her nose and generally felt hopeless.
"How could I be so fucking stupid?" Charlie wailed. "Twice! I mean, seriously... who even gets two chances with someone as amazing as Joey? And ruins it both times! I'm such a waste of space..."
They were interrupted by a knock on the door.
"I'll go," Charlie said when Leah and Ruby both hesitated. "If it's a dodgy salesman, he'll take one look at me and run off."
Wiping her eyes and sniffing, Charlie made her tearful way to the door. She stopped abruptly, her mouth hanging open when she saw Joey standing meekly on the doorstep. The two women gazed at each other for several long moments before Charlie felt suddenly embarrassed by how she looked.
"I wasn't expecting to..." she said, hurriedly rubbing her face and hoping she didn't look as hideous as she felt.
"Nor was I," Joey admitted. "And that bus journey is a bitch, especially twice in one day."
Charlie continued to stare.
"Can I come in?" Joey asked hopefully.
Mute and numb, Charlie nodded and stepped back. Leah and Ruby poked their heads around the doorway and then disappeared in order to give Charlie and Joey some privacy.
"Joey, I'm so sorry for..." Charlie began.
"I know," Joey replied softly.
Charlie couldn't look away. She followed Joey's lead by sitting at the table with her.
"I got your message," Joey explained. "The email."
Charlie nodded, although alcohol was making her memory a little fuzzy. She decided not to complain about it. If ever there was an inappropriate person to discuss memory loss with, it was poor Joey.
"Why didn't you just tell me the truth, Charlie?" Joey said.
"Because I was terrified of losing you," Charlie replied honestly. "The whole reason you're in the mess you are is because of me. If I hadn't been such a terrible girlfriend, you never would have left and..."
Joey nodded. She couldn't deny it was true.
"Although," she said. "Who knows how life would have turned out based on any of the decisions we've made?"
She tried to smile. Charlie smiled weakly back.
"I'm really hurt, Charlie," Joey admitted.
"I know," Charlie said. "If there's anything I can..."
"You can let me talk?" Joey requested, gently, not unkindly.
Charlie nodded and fell silent. Her heart hammered in her chest.
"I'm really hurt," Joey repeated. "I'm hurt all over again that you cheated on me. As soon as Brett told me, the truth came flooding back into my brain. I mean, I still don't remember much of my life but I remembered the moment I found out that you'd slept with whatever his name was behind my back."
Charlie resisted asking about Brett. How had he become involved again?
"You lost your earring," Joey recalled. "And when I returned that man's phone, I found it in his house and I knew..."
Charlie nodded and closed her eyes. She rubbed her temples, desperate to block everything out.
"I know I don't remember that much," Joey said. "I mean, I have a clearer idea about who I was but it's not perfect and it might never be. I might always have to look back with black holes, you know?"
"I know," Charlie almost whispered.
"And that's where the extra hurt comes from," Joey said. "Because you've been like a beacon of light for me over the last few weeks. I cried from sheer happiness the first time I started talking to you. You've given me so much. And I'm hurt that you used my situation against me."
"Joey, I really didn't mean to..."
"But you did," Joey interrupted. "I was trusting you to help me. I was trusting you to be honest, to help me fill in the blanks that I might never truly remember. I was trusting you to help me put my life back together."
Charlie closed her eyes but tears fell anyway. Joey swallowed, upset at her girlfriend's despair.
"You abused my trust," Joey said. "You let me fall in love with you. You knew that I'd left town because you hurt me so badly and then you let me love you, kiss you, hold you, feel ready to sleep with you... essentially losing my virginity again because I don't remember the first time."
She sighed heavily. Charlie rubbed her eyes until they hurt.
"Would you have really told me the whole truth before we'd done that?" Joey asked.
"Yes," Charlie said. "I never would have gone that far without being honest. I just..."
She took a breath and attempted to explain.
"I love you so much," she said. "I loved you then and I made a huge mistake. I cost myself the most wonderful relationship I've ever had. And that's not just because all my other relationships were awful – but it's because you were so amazing. I've missed you every day that you've been gone. I was so happy when I found you again. I fell back in love with you so quickly and easily. It almost felt like no time had passed."
She tentatively reached out and held Joey's hands across the table, relieved when she didn't pull away.
"I knew I had to do the right thing," Charlie explained. "I knew it but I was so happy to be with you again. It meant so much to me to be able to call myself your girlfriend. I feel even more strongly for you than I did before and I didn't even know that was possible. I thought that if I told you the truth then I'd lose you forever. And I couldn't bear it. Every time I tried to tell you, I just kept remembering what it was like without you. And I just kept trying to give myself one more day before you left me again. I'm so sorry. I'm so angry with myself for getting it all wrong again."
Not wanting to let go of Joey's hands, Charlie let her tears drip onto the table top.
"Please?" she said. "Is there anything I could do to make things right with you? Anything?"
Joey took a breath and looked Charlie directly in the eye. Charlie was a little startled to find that Joey was looking tearful too.
"Here's how it's all piecing itself together in my head," Joey said. "I don't remember a lot of what happened between us before. I know that I loved you. During some of the flashbacks I've had, I could literally feel how much I loved you. And I could feel how much pain I was in when I left too."
Charlie looked down, a lump aching in her throat.
"But I do feel like, maybe this is worth something."
Charlie looked up sharply, hardly daring to hope. Joey smiled wistfully.
"What are the odds that I'd leave town, lose my memory and then randomly get talking to you on the Internet?" she said. "What are the odds that after everything that happened between us, we'd find out way back to each other?"
She felt Charlie's hands begin to tremble.
"And even if you lied about one thing, you were honest about so many other things, even things you found it difficult to share – like what happened to me and what happened to you. If I've learnt anything over the past couple of years, it's that you have to hold onto anything that means something to you, anything that makes you happy. And you do make me happy, Charlie. You've breathed new life into me when I thought all was lost. And your actions have hurt me terribly and I can't promise we'll fall back to how we were yesterday but... I want to try. I do understand your reasons for lying. I'm not sure I get exactly why you cheated on me in the first place but I'd like to talk about that. I'm guessing that's not something we really did before I ran away."
Charlie shook her head in mute confirmation. She could hardly believe what Joey was saying.
"So..." Joey ventured. "If you want to, I'd like to try and find a way through this. Together."
Speechless, Charlie stood and hurried round to Joey's side of the table. She knelt down, wrapping her arms tightly around her waist, burying her face against her tummy. Tears flowed from both of them as Joey ran her hands through Charlie's hair and kissed the top of her head. All she could hear was Charlie telling her that she loved her over and over again.
"I love you too, Charlie," she whispered back.
Next time… Charlie and Joey rebuild their relationship…
