As much as I was really happy with the amount of reviews I got, this fic is going downhill, partially due to the fact I take my jokes out of real life, and half the jokes that I say/use/repeat at school are beyond M. What? Plus, finals are biting at my heels, along with everything else. Just finished with the mess that is orchestra, and Formal. Yes, I wore make-up for the first time, curled my hair, and wore a Grecian dress. And to top it off…I got addicted to the Stravaganza, Case Closed, and Magic Kaito. Don't laugh.

Question: For the promised blooper reel, for the page or so with dirty jokes that were actually cut at the last minute, do you want to include it with the rest of the bloopers, but separate it with a warning in bold halfway through so little kids with reason don't read it, or do you want them separate, in the M section?

Rule 28: Never let things distract you

Example One:

Artemis looked down at his watch irritability. "Where is Mulch?"

Holly, the person on the other end of the line, sensed the tension in his voice. This was a simple job, but Mulch not showing meant a change in the plan. If any changes to the plan were made on Mulch's account, due to anything less than something resembling the Tara incident, Artemis would be giving Mulch the silent treatment.

Holly was just as tense, knowing that a change in the plan would mean she would get the short end of the stick. Again. She tore her thoughts away from images of strapping Mulch to a barbeque in order to hear her phone ringing. Normally for operations like this, she used her phone to talk to Artemis, but for this particular tech-savvy fairy that they were chasing, they needed something more advanced. I.e., heh, acquired, LEP equipment.

Flashback

Trouble Kelp glared at Captain Ash Vein.

"Captain…"

"Yes Commander?"

"A Ginger mugged me!" Is not an excuse for losing 10,000 ounces worth of gold in LEP equipment." He sighed. "Why don't you go help Captain Short with the crate shes moving to her apartment. No sense in making her carry whatever it is halfway across Haven on her own."

"Yessir. Right away sir."

End Flashback

Holly answered her phone, while fingering her stun gun as she saw the caller id. Her gun was a charge level short, but there was enough to brand Mulch.

"Short"

The caller ID stating that the call was coming from Diggums and Day, and she had assumed it was Mulch.

"MULCH DIGGUMS! YOU LITTLE…"

"Hey, geez, its Day."

"Oh. Sorry. What do you want?"

"Hey…be nice" he said in a play-condescending voice that he normally reserved for murderers and kids. "Trying to help. You and your friendship skills."

"What do you know about friendship Mr. The- only- time- I- even -attempt –to- be- nice- to- my partner -is- when -he -attempts -to- swallow -me?"

"More than you?"

"Like What? Any examples?"

Holly waited for a moment while she heard the distinct sound of someone typing "Friendship quotes" into the computer.

"…Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them they disappear."

Holly made a face. Clearly Doodah had picked the first one on the list. "What site did that come from?"

Back at the agency, Doodah clicked on the link next to the line. "..EHarmony."

"Really?."

"No. It came from Barney and Friends."

In making this statement, she didn't realize that the ground was slightly shaking behind her and that Mulch had been busy sneaking up on her, attaching a kick-me sign, with a flip side that read RULE 28.

(In case you were wondering, the criminal was apprehended. He was also blamed by Mulch for the sign.)

Example Two (This one will make absolutely no sense if you haven't seen the Princess Bride)

Artemis was quite protective of his brothers and tried to protect them from everything. Curse Words, Naughty ads on the internet, anything dirty in music. So when a few three-old came to him asking who-or-what LFMAO was, he understandably, lied.

"Its…ahh..some idiot who was so scared when he saw the ROUS that he wrote it wrong."

"…What's an ROUS" quizzed Beckett, a suspicious look on his face that clearly stated that he knew his brother was trying to pull a fast one.

"Duh. A Rotating Oreo Under the Room…Right" asked Myles uncertainly.

Beckett felt the floor for evidence.

Artemis coughed. "Ah..no. Rodents of Unusual Size."

Realization dawned on Beckets face. "Oh. THOSE. You could have just said so. I've seen them. One is in the cellar, made its home in the strawberries. I shooed it away this morning. I would have done it sooner, because its belly was really swollen so it must be sick, but today the belly was gone, but it looked like it had parasite stuck to it, like, twelve of them, so poked it and all of the parasite went into the strawberries and disappeared, and it curled up in a ball, so I carried it outside." He was a bit breathless after uttering The Run On Sentence Of Unusual Size.

Artemis spit out his oatmeal that had slices of strawberries in it, and looked for baby rat corpses before slowly putting it in the sink.

"No. These rats are bigger."

Myles and Beckett were three, and immeadilty sensed a Story Time coming on. They dived under the covers of their beds and looked at Artemis expectantly. Artemis sighed, and rubbed his temples with his getting-paler-by-the-second-hands. "Well then…"

"There was land in which there was a princess about to be married. So another kingdom who wanted the riches that came with the princess offered their oldest son's hand in marriage. Princess Holly came to their kingdom hoping to be pleasantly surprised with the person she was to be married to. The prince there was smart, but he was in fact, a jerk.

He saw her, and to see if she was a prissy person who did everything her husband asked, he took her out on a date to McDonalds, which happened to be built right next to an Olive Garden. The next date after that was to anger management classes where they had to sit with people who either really did have anger management issues, or were there because in the Kingdom's No Peasant Left To Catch Up policy that required that both the bully and the bullied to go to anger management if there was a fight.*

One little boy with brown curly hair in the front piped up. "What if part of your job involves touching people?"

The instructor gave him a look. "That's inappropriate at anytime."

"Even if their dead?"

"Well, you see, I work for 2whitie, who remembered she was supposed to have an NCIS reference somewhere in here….AND I work in autopsy…"

They left after that, and a white van drove up, and offered the princess candy. She agreed, and when she got close, they kidnapped her. Prince Artemis worried about the diplomatic issues this would cause and ran after her. He was wasted in thirty seconds.

The group traveled across a sea full of red fish, blue fish, one fish and two fish, and the tone-deaf eels. The Princess jumped, and used her army training to swim to shore. Prince Artemis, just happened to be coming in the same direction, moving in a motorboat very fast after being shipwrecked on the island of Vogon Poetry.**

"Hey." Said the short, smelly leader named Fertilizer. "Don't do that!"

The Princess ignored him. The Leader pirate tried another tactic. "That's Prince Artemis in that boat"

Princess Holly swam back to the boat.

After being tranquilizing the princess, the three companions dragged the princess up the cliff. They left someone named O Ace One Kelp (the title Knight became boring. Honor Schmozerand all that) at the top of the cliff.

O Ace One Kelp was really tired after climbing the cliff and it took him a while to catch his breath. Prince Artemis simply raised an eyebrow and installed an elevator.

When Artemis stepped out, OA1 Kelp had his taser drawn and held it in a threatening manner. Artemis, having grown up in a castle/manor knew decorum, and put it into play.

"Who the heck are you?"

"Read the name tag moron." The name tag had the words Hello! My name is Indeigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Artemis raised a thin eyebrow ever so slightly. "Who names their kid Indeigo Montoya?"

"Indeigo Montoya" rolled his eyes. "The name is really O Ace One Trouble Kelp, but my name was translated to Japanese for a random cousin who can't speak English, and it lost something in the translation back." He shrugged. "And it's not really my father that was killed, more of a commander."

"You have my condolences" said Prince Artemis. When Trouble was off guard, he shoved a sandwich that he had made himself down Troubles throat. He passed out due to food poisoning. Artemis passed the next rock. Butler was there. Butler had been hired by Head Pirate Fertilizer, but when he saw Artemis, he switched sides.

Flashback

Butler stood in front of Artemis, his face shadowed. "None shall pass."

Artemis passed him a copy of The Mother Daughter Book Club.***

Artemis passed, and showed him a gift certificate to Barnes and Nobles.

Butlers transaction of loyalty was complete. Artemis thought it would be a good idea to have someone on his side that made Chuck Norris whimper.

"I refuse to fight wimps" was the explanation told to People Magazine explanation.

Both Artemis and Butler went to the Third rock, where Fertilizer was kneeling over, groaning from where his captive, Princess Holly, had kicked him in the nuts. She looked up and saw Artemis with his customary grimace on his face.

"Want one too?"

Artemis was saved by the awaking of The Shifty Crampy Achy Ace One who nailed him with a taser, and turned him instantly into Orion.

"Milady….I believe you were willing to give something? It is my greatest desire in life to give you anything you desire. Anything! Even more than the urge to run the soft auburn rays of light that they call you hair through my undeserving fingers…."

Holly turned to Butler. "Are all the princes taught to be like that?"

Butler nodded.

Holly turned to The Slightly Less Crampy But Still A Bit Green In The Gills From the Greek Yogurt That Was Slathered On A Ham Sandwich O Ace One Kelp. "Tase Him Again"

Trouble did, and watched as Artemis sat up. He rubbed his eyes blearily. "Sandwiches.."

The Ace One jumped of the cliff into the swaps of the Rodents of Unusual Size, but before he was eaten, Prince Artemis woke up, and sent to tapes to Animal Planet, and documented them. Which is why we know about the ROUS."

Myles raised an eyebrow. "You made up an entire story just to go along with killer rats, when you could have just stopped halfway through, and realized that I downloaded "I'm Sexy and I Know It" onto my Ipod?" He narrowed his eyebrows into the thinking face. "This is quite informative. What is this "passion" that this man with the repulsive fluffy hairstyle speaks of?" He bit into a strawberry.

Beckett was more worried that Artemis had the imagination to come up with something like that. So, instead of asking if Butler's romance movie addiction had spread to Artemis, he asked the only question that fitted the situation.

"Did you forget rule 28?"

Example Three (Future Fic, assuming the twins are about in first grade)

Holly was procrastinating paperwork by playing trasketball with wadded up reports and her trashcan, while lying on her back. Using the speaker in the wall she was also talking to Artemis.

"You do realize that Myles and Beckett don't always follow you precious rules, right?"

Artemis was sitting up at a 90 degree angle, and drinking tea. Normally this news would bother him, but he was working on building up walls for annoyance that came from his best friend. "Yes" he replied simply.

Holly, not getting the reaction she wanted, frowned. "Foaly bugged their room.."

"Never trust a hobby horse"

"….and found out that them and a little boy from their class, Mason, it seems having been forming their own rules."

This slightly disturbed Artemis, and his hazel eye, the one that always seemed to give his irritation away, glimmered. "What are they?"

Holly smirked at the hint of stress that was threatening to poke through. "Ever thought about taking up knitting? I hear its relaxing. Beats playing with Leapfrog, and takes up less energy than planning world domination." A sudden image of Artemis sitting in a chair knitting, and all his clothes covered in pom-poms, and his body draped in rainbow shawls came to mind. She jumped up to dispel the image.

"So. The Rules?"

Small pillows with the rules embroidered on them came to mind.

He could hear Holly suddenly getting up and walking until she had found what she was looking for. "Ok..hmm….Like Angelina Jolie…..Never speak of the Guy code…Never speak of the guy code….Never speak of the guy code…fear lunchboxes…weird list. Why lunchboxes? I mean, ive seen fight club, so I know where at least a few of these came from..but lunchboxes?"

The glimmer in his eye that was a spark of irritation quickly turned to one of amusement. "Welllll.."

Flashback

Myles was trying pry a girl in his class of his back. "Get…off…me.." he grunted before she lightly jumped onto the pavement. Myles stood up and rubbed his sore back, winced then looked the girl in the eyes, who was grinning and whirling her lunchbox, as if looking for an excuse to hit him with it. He grimaced again.

"How much do you weigh?"

End Flashback

Holly howled with laughter, at Myles and at the amounts of Neosporin needed the next day. "What stopped Myles from receiving broken bones? She asked, as if each word took a lot of effort. (It did, the amount of oxygen in her lungs was barely enough to sustain breathing).

"The Lunch Lady."

Holly shook her head, the individual hairs on her head bouncing with her, as if to exaggerate the movement she was making.

"Never forget Rule 28"

*No Child Left Behind Policy. In most ways it does a lot of good, mostly investigating home cases and things like that that cause I kid to redo a grade. However, if you are being bullied and you hit back, you get sent to anger management. Something that may be overturned soon due to all the complaints.

**HH2TG reference

***In the Artemis Fowl Files, Butler stated twice he liked romance novels

As much as I value what reviewers think, heck, I liked this chapter. Tell me if you think so otherwise