A'light, this chapter is inspired by a request but not absolutely following it. I haven't seen Jim Carrey's the Mask, sadly, but I think this captures the essence of that pretty well. Thank you, unnamed guest!
Cat and Bruce continued down the road back to Wayne manor, Cat flipping through the diary and laughing at the entries. It didn't look like the others were coming. Soon, they were at the edge of Wayne manor and Ed was standing outside, grinning. "Ready?" he asked.
Dear Diary,
For whatever reason, Miss Kyle told Miss Pepper to get Miss Quinzel out of the house. Miss Pepper and Miss Quinzel left a little while later with Mister Crane, saying they would find Miss Quinzel a new boyfriend. A few minutes after that, while Miss Kyle and Master Bruce were sitting on the couch together, shuffling awkwardly, (Master Bruce more than Miss Kyle) Mister Kerr came through the front door with a bag in his hands, singing, "Alfy, I'm home!"
"What's in that bag?" I asked.
Mister Kerr grinned and started laughing. "I'll tell you, but first you have to drive us to Fish Mooney's club downtown."
"You're a bunch of children. How are you going to get into a club?"
"Well, I figured you can bribe the bouncer, Cat sneaks in all the time, and I've committed three or more acts of serious crime, permitting me a free two hour visit to the club." And once again, he laughed like a maniac.
I sighed and turned to Master Bruce. "Can you stay home by yourself?"
Mister Kerr almost doubled over laughing, "No, the kid has got to come with us! It'll be way more fun with him."
Master B nodded, "Okay, let's go."
It was a quick walk to the garage and into the car, and we were off. I have to say, it was sort of amusing to witness Mister Kerr and Miss Kyle laughing and holding hands in the back right next to Master Bruce as he stared forward awkwardly.
We were there after a quick ten minute drive, and Mister Kerr leapt out of the car, running inside. I followed him and Miss Kyle trailed after, followed by Master Bruce. I had met the bouncer before, Butch Gilzean, and it was not pleasant. I gave him three hundred bucks to look the other way, and soon, we were in.
"Now can you tell us what's in the bag?" I asked.
Mister Kerr held up the brown paper bag, and pulled a bag of white candy out of it. "I got this from the dumpster at Wellzyn. It's supposed to make you drunk as five cans of beer. Perfect for kids in public."
"Hold on, I cannot allow this." I said, holding my hand up.
Mister Kerr scoffed, "Then go run off and play while the kids handle their business, won't you?"
I growled at him, and walked off to sit at a table while Mister Kerr handed out the candy. I cursed under my breath for a while, until Fish Mooney walked by with a bottle of liquor.
"My, Alfred. You seem upset. What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing."
"Would you like a drink? They're on the house. It's a good age too, 1945."
I looked back at the kids, taking down their fifth candies, and held up a glass. I gulped down one, then two, and maybe seven glasses. I don't quite remember what else happened that night, but I'll try to write down what I know.
Mister Kerr jumped on stage, quite drunk and struggling to stay on his legs. He pushed the current performer off stage and grabbed the microphone, and talked in a slurred voice. "My name is the Joker. That girl right there with the huge eyes and the nerd standing beside her is my girlfriend, and I'm going to sing her a song!"
He then proceeded to sing the first few lines of 'Just the Way You Are' until his legs gave way and he fell off the stage. The audience looked around at each other awkwardly until he got back up and cheered for himself. Miss Kyle ran up, also not able to walk in a straight line to plant a long and heated kiss on his lips until he pushed her onto a table and started spanking her. She laughed and giggled like an idiot along with him, and even Master Bruce started to cheer. I'm not going to lie. I did too.
"Sorry, Cat, but naughty girls must be punished! Bruce, get over here!" he yelled. Master Bruce leapt onstage, dug into his wallet and proceeded to throw money at the crowd. I don't quite know how much money he had, but one of the patrons dumped his wife while this was happening.
Mister Kerr jumped up, grabbed the back of Master Bruce's underwear and pulled until Master Bruce shrieked like a girl, continued to do a combination of singing and dancing onstage until all three collapsed on the floor.
Miss Mooney shushed the four of us into a back room that was sort of like a lounge, and since the hyperactive part of the drunkenness was over, we were pretty much calm and groggy.
"Okay, I have a secret." Mister Kerr said, barely comprehendible. "I have a crush on Jonny."
We all gasped, "Whoa." And Master Bruce said, "Really?"
"Yeah, he's like so hot. He wears like dark clothes and has nice hair."
Miss Kyle raised her hand. "I also have a secret. I lied to you, kiddo."
We all gasped again, and Master Bruce leaned onto her. "What did you lie about?"
Miss Kyle sighed, and put her hand on the crotch of his pants, patting him. "I have a crush on Alfred."
Mister Kerr fell down laughing, and all the kids turned to me. "How about you Alfred? Any secrets you'd like to share?"
I must remind you I was really, really drunk, because I sighed and said, "I have a crush on Fish Mooney."
We all nodded and applauded until Miss Kyle turned to Mister Kerr and Master Bruce. "Hey, you want to see something cool?" she unzipped her leather jacket and lifted her shirt up to flash the boys, who both fell down like stunned mice. I applauded, and the two laughed.
Miss Kyle jumped on Mister Kerr, and the two made out passionately while Master Bruce kissed an imaginary girl and I passed out.
The time of this writing is the day after, on which someone got us home and we were all throwing up in a toilet. I think Master Bruce is starting to feel the effects of that wedgie, and Miss Kyle has not been able to look at me for a while.
Do Jack and Cat ever break up? Is Harley still pissed? How long is Bruce not going to be able to walk properly? All your questions will be answered in part three of the Jalina Saga...
