A/N: Many thanks to my beta, Bethaboo, for making this story so much better than it would be without her expertise. I'd also like to thank Sleepyvalentina for pre-reading and her keen insights.
Disclaimer: I own neither Twilight nor Legends of the Fall, but I think you all know that by now.
November 21st, 1919
My Dearest Carlisle,
This is the last letter I can allow myself to write to you. Since the day you left for the war, I have written letters to you in my journals, hoping that once day you would read them. Even after Edward returned, carrying with him a box that contained your now still heart, I refused to accept the truth. I continued writing letters, not to your memory, but in hopes that you would one day return to claim them. I had promised that I would write to you every day until you came back, and a large part of me believed that if I were to stop writing, any hope that a miracle could happen would be forever lost.
It has been over a year since the war in Europe has ended. All prisoners of war have been released, and sent back home. Still, you have not returned. I have resisted the thought for as long as possible, but I must now force myself to accept that you truly did die on the field in Ypres. You will never come home, and I will never again feel your arms around me. I always thought that I would feel it what you left this world, that our connection was that unique and powerful, but I can now see that I was grossly mistaken.
Part of me wonders if I would have wasted the rest of my life if I hadn't found love again with Edward. He is a good man, Carlisle, and you would be so proud of him. He found his passion and is so successful in his business. We met again through the most incredible group of friends, and I consider myself so blessed to have realized what an incredible man he has become.
Tomorrow, Edward and I will be married. It will be small, like our ceremony was, but your mother was able to travel to Montana to attend. I don't know who is more excited by her arrival, Edward or your father. I cannot wait to marry him, Carlisle. He makes me happy again, and makes me feel cherished. I know the life I will have as his wife will be full of joy and love.
I wouldn't marry him if I thought for one moment that you would disapprove of our union. I know you better than that, Carlisle Cullen. I know that all you could ever want would be to be happy and find love again. I know that you would be glad that I have chosen to share my life with Edward. Knowing that you love, trust, and respect the man I am going to marry is as important to me as believing that my parents would approve of my choice.
There is a part of me that wishes I could continue writing to you like this, but it isn't fair to Edward. Every letter is a small admission that I still believe you will return, as well as a declaration that I want nothing more. Edward deserves his wife to commit to him fully, and, to be honest, I want to do that.
This letter is a farewell, my dearest husband. I will always love you…until the day I die, I will miss you and ache for you, but this has to stop. It is time for me to let go of my foolish hope, and let you rest in peace as your memory lives in my very soul. I choose to believe that wherever you are, you are watching over me, and that you are with me every step I take. You taught my heart to love and live when I met you, and I will never forget you.
Goodbye my dearest. I will love you forever, Carlisle.
Eternally yours,
Bella
x-x-x
Carlisle lived in Toronto for just over two years. He worked at the base hospital, gaining a great deal of experience along the way. He had become an accomplished doctor under the tutelage of John McCrea and the doctors of the German army, but it wasn't until he worked in Canada that he became an outstanding doctor. For all that he knew how to stitch a bullet wound closed, or remove shrapnel from a grenade blast, he had a peculiar lack of knowledge of more complicated illnesses. Because he was a gifted surgeon, no one had realized that Carlisle had never attended medical school. Now that he was no longer inundated with traumas and surgeries, Carlisle learned the basics needed to truly be an asset to any hospital.
He gave his notice to the chief of staff, and bid farewell to Canada. He was by no means wealthy, but he had enough saved from working full time as a doctor -and not paying for housing- to rent an apartment close to the hospital in Boston. After working through January so that they could hire a replacement for him, he boarded a train for Massachusetts. For the first time since waking up in the German hospital, Carlisle was headed toward a location in which he knew he had once lived.
In February of 1921, Carlisle arrived in Boston, Massachusetts. He had finally saved enough money to move, and, with the glowing recommendations of his superiors at the base hospital in Toronto, he was offered a position at Massachusetts General Hospital. Knowing that he wanted to leave as soon as he was able, Carlisle didn't hesitate to leave; there was no one he would be leaving behind.
As he stepped off the train in North Station, Carlisle took a deep breath of Bostonian air. He expected to feel different, now that he was on American soil, but he felt the same as he did in Canada. He was still Carlisle, and he still had no idea who he had been in the past. Nothing around him felt familiar, and for a moment, he wondered if he should have stayed in Toronto. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and thought about Bella.
She had lived here, and even if he didn't remember their shared past, being in the place where they fell in love brought him closer to her.
He had been in correspondence with a realtor in Boston, but had yet to find a suitable apartment. He spent his first two weeks finding a place to call home, and learning his new neighborhood. He didn't begin work until March, but he had regular meetings with the chief of surgery, who he would be working under. Carlisle's expertise in trauma surgeries was a great asset to the hospital, and he would be working predominantly in the emergency room to assist with any injuries that came in.
He found a small apartment that was a short ten minute walk from the hospital, and settled in. It wasn't a lavish living space, but it suited him. He had been living in military housing and field barracks in the army, and much beyond spartan furnishings seemed excessive to him. He simply wanted to do his job and help people as best he could, have a place to return to at the end of a long day with a place to sit and read, and a soft bed to sleep in.
Once he began his shifts at the hospital, he felt more at ease with his move. Free time was something that Carlisle still was not accustomed to having. He liked the doctors he worked with, but he was afraid of becoming too friendly with them. When he realized how he was behaving, it occurred to him that he had nowhere else to go. He had been wary of making friends with the German doctors, because he knew that at the end of the war, he would likely never see them again. In Toronto, he had been planning on moving to Boston as quickly as he could, and he didn't want to form any close attachments for fear it would be harder to leave.
In Boston, he had no reason to believe he wasn't going to stay for a longer period of time. He had no reason to keep those around him at arm's length, but he found himself unable to let them closer. He wanted to find Bella if she was in the city. He wanted to regain his memories, so that he could find the rest of his family. He had been so driven by these desires for so long that he had never realized that while he was well-liked by almost everyone he'd met, he had no idea how to truly have a friend.
The realization left him absolutely stunned. He thought about Heidi, and how their relationship began as a friendship, but Carlisle knew that their friendship had never been typical. He was torn between wanting to prevent himself from having to ever leave behind someone he cared about, and feeling extremely lonely. At least, he reasoned, if he kept to himself, the only person he would ever hurt was himself.
In order to keep from feeling extremely isolated, Carlisle began to search for the only true tie he had to his former life—Bella.
x-x-x
Carlisle began searching for Bella using the only method he could; he read her journal, and tried to pinpoint the locations she mentioned. The first place she had written about was Radcliffe. The campus was located quite close to Harvard University in Cambridge, only a few miles from the hospital across the river. He arrived in Harvard Square, and hoped like hell that he would recognize the buildings around him. He had spent at least four years living in the area, and nothing looked familiar.
He found buildings that she had specifically referenced, but for all Carlisle knew, they could have been in Toronto. He walked along the Charles, hoping to jar his memories. He went to concerts and ballets, hoping the performances would remind him of things he and Bella had seen and experienced. He went to Radcliffe and questioned the professors there, hoping that they had Bella in a class, only to find that no one remembered a girl based on only a first name.
He was disheartened. All Carlisle wanted was to find his wife, but everywhere he looked was a dead end.
Finally, he sought out the Public Gardens, where he knew he proposed to Bella. It was April, close to when he had been there with Bella, and it was beautiful. He examined the flowers, and felt an odd sensation of déjà vu, and he looked around to see if there was someone beside him. He found himself contemplating what it would be like to live as a plant, but knew that for all the simplicity it offered, it would also be a rather dull life.
He walked towards the small pond, where he looked at the ducklings and swans floating across the surface of the water. He crossed over the stone bridge, and found a small area with a stone bench. It was like something out of a dream, until he realized that he actually recognized the setting. It wasn't like something out of a dream—it was something from a dream. He saw a girl with long dark hair, and deep brown eyes shining with love, standing above him.
His breath quickened as he tried to remember the words that were spoken. Instead, the words they each said sounded as if spoken by mouths with no tongues. He could remember her smile—he had seen it countless times in his dreams, and he allowed himself to fully believe that Bella was the woman he dreamt of every night. He grasped at the memory, trying to recall how her hand felt in his own. He watched as the swans swam by, and he knew that everything was just beyond his grasp.
Still, for the first time, he actually felt a connection to his past. The Public Gardens were familiar to him, and even if he didn't have a clear memory of that day, he knew that he had truly been there. Bella had been there, and it was the closest to her that he could ever remember being.
Carlisle returned to the Public Gardens every day for three months. After the first month passed and his memory refused to sharpen, he knew that it never would. In spite of this, it became his sanctuary in Boston. It was, after all, the only thing he could remember of his life with Bella, and just knowing that the Gardens had meant so much to the two of them gave him peace.
If it was all he would ever have of her, he would make certain to cherish it.
x-x-x
In July of 1921, Carlisle was working in the emergency room on a particularly busy day. There had been no major traumas or injuries to treat, but the ward was inundated with illness. With nothing else that required his attention, Carlisle leant a hand to the busy emergency room staff. He had a calm and confident bedside manner, and he was glad that he was able to diagnose and treat the patients he saw.
He was worried, however, when a very pregnant woman arrived in the E.R. in labor, and he was the only doctor available. The nurses were concerned because it was clear that she was panicked. She was a teacher, enjoying her summer of freedom, when her water broke. She was two weeks before her due date, and her husband was currently at work. Her neighbor had immediately seen her predicament, and luckily was in possession of a car. He drove the woman to the hospital before going to fetch her husband from work.
It was not often that the husband insisted on being present for a delivery, but Carlisle found the devotion of the man quite refreshing.
As he turned the corner into her room, the woman was in the middle of a strong contraction. After checking with the nurse to see how far apart her tractions were, Carlisle realized that unless the husband arrived very soon, he would miss the birth of their child. He put down the chart in his hands, and stepped towards the woman.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Uley. It seems as though we're about to deliver your baby," Carlisle said with a comforting smile. "I heard that your husband is on the way, and will be here soon."
"I will not have this baby until he arrives," she said definitively.
"I'm certain he will be here shortly. Until then, I want you to focus on breathing in and out slowly. When you feel a contraction, remember to continue to take deep breaths, though it helps with the pain if they are shorter in duration," he instructed.
The woman was staring intently at his face, as if he were a puzzle she could not solve. "Do I know you?" she asked.
Carlisle frowned, despite the jolt of hope that raced down his spine. It was the first person he had encountered to whom he seemed even vaguely familiar. "I honestly don't know, ma'am. I'm so sorry."
"Why would you apologize for not knowing me? My name is Emily Uley. Does that sound familiar?"
Carlisle pinched his eyes shut tight and took a deep breath, trying to fight off his own frustration when the name sounded completely foreign. "I wouldn't know. It's possible that we've met before, but I would not know. My name is Carlisle."
"That sounds familiar. I'm sorry. I'm sure it will come to me eventually," she said. "I'm usually so good with—"
Her words were cut off by another contraction, and Carlisle took quick, deep breaths with her in example. He could only hope that she was right, and that she would remember if she had ever known him.
Seconds after the contraction ended, a tall man burst into the room.
"Sam! You made it in time!" Emily cried.
"I'm so sorry it took so long, but at least John drives like a maniac, and I didn't miss the birth," the man said.
"As long as you're here, everything is perfect," she said. Sam had yet to acknowledge that the doctor was in the room with them, and bent down to kiss her deeply.
Their embrace was interrupted only by another contraction, and both men focused their attention on Emily. As soon as it passed, Carlisle examined her cervix to estimate how long it would take before she was ready to push. When he lifted his head to inform Emily that she would probably have only a quarter hour before she was ready, he caught the husband, Sam, looking at him with wide, shocked eyes.
"Carlisle?" Sam asked.
"It's a pleasure to meet you," Carlisle stated, holding out his hand for Sam to shake before realizing that he had yet to tell the man his name. "You know me," he whispered.
"Of course I know you! I lived with you for years!"
Carlisle completely forgot about the woman in labor on his bed, as a strangled sob erupted from his throat. Sam briefly worried that there was something very wrong with his friend, before Carlisle's face broke into the widest smile. "You know me!" He exclaimed.
Sam was now certain that despite his friend's exuberance, something was not quite right. "Carlisle? Is everything well with you?"
Before he could respond, Emily gasped in pain once more, as the next contraction hit. Both men turned their attention to her, but Carlisle couldn't help but send silent prayers of gratitude as he began to help Emily through the delivery of her child. Twenty minutes later, Emily gave birth to a healthy baby boy. The nurses fussed over the newborn and mother, and Sam hovered close to the pair in pure happiness.
Carlisle went to the admitting desk and informed the nurse working there that he would need an hour break. When asked for the reason, he couldn't resist answering with the sweetest truth he had known in years. "Someone remembers me."
He didn't need to elaborate; the old and proper woman jumped from her chair and threw her arms around Carlisle in congratulations. He agreed to see one patient before returning to the delivery room to ask Sam what he knew about his former life. As impatient as he was to learn about his identity, he knew that the conversation was likely to be long, and he wanted to give the family some time to bond after the birth.
He returned to their room to find Sam walking out the door. They narrowly avoided a collision, and Carlisle put his hand on Sam's arm to steady his off-balance frame. "I was just coming to find you," Sam said, clearly still in a state of bliss from his baby's successful delivery.
"I was just seeing one last patient before I took a break. Do you mind coming to the cafeteria with me? I should probably find some dinner for myself while I'm on a break."
"That sounds fantastic," Sam agreed with a nod and smile. After they made their way to the cafeteria and Carlisle ordered himself a sandwich and a tea for Sam, they found a secluded table at which to talk. "Carlisle Cullen. I can't believe you're back in Boston and didn't tell me. Is Bella with you? You should come over for dinner soon; Emily would love to see her again."
Carlisle chocked on the bite he had just taken, and quickly drank some water. This was really happening. "Cullen?" Carlisle managed to ask.
Sam measured a long look at Carlisle, and shook his head slowly. "Carlisle, what happened to you?"
Carlisle took a deep breath and let it out shakily. "I have amnesia," he began. "I went to Europe as a medic for the Canadian Expeditionary Forces, but I was somehow involved in some sort of explosion. I suffered some sort of head injury, and woke up with no memories."
"Oh my god," Sam breathed. When Carlisle didn't say anything, he encouraged, "please continue."
"I actually woke up in the German camp. They had found me on the field in a medic uniform. There was a terrible shortage of doctors, so they healed me, and asked that I do the same for their men. Luckily, I spoke German and actually remembered the medical training I had, or I'm not certain that they would have kept me at the camp as anything but a body in a grave.
"They treated me exceedingly well, though, especially considering that it was war, and I learned a great deal about becoming a surgeon from them. I'm not sure which specialty I held before the war, but I'm actually a trauma surgeon now. Once the war ended, I was sent to Canada, where I worked in the hospital on the military base. As soon as I had saved enough money and experience to do so, I came here to Boston."
"Why Boston?" Sam mused aloud.
"Bella," Carlisle stated. When Sam furrowed his brow in confusion, Carlisle elaborated. "The only reason I knew my name was Carlisle was because of a journal that Bella had apparently given me for Christmas before I left. She described how we met, how we fell in love, and how we were married." When Sam heard the word 'married,' he smiled widely.
"I know that we moved to where my family is from, but it never clearly states where that is. Since I didn't know my last name, and the Canadians had no record of a Carlisle as a prisoner of war, I had no way of finding out who I was and where I came from. The only thing I was certain about was that Bella and I had lived and met here in Boston. Once I saved enough money, I came here."
"You didn't even know your last name? What have you been calling yourself all this time?"
"Swan. Carlisle Swan." When Sam sputtered at his name, he quickly defended himself. "The Canadians needed me to have a last name, and Bella had mentioned swan boats in the journal."
"Of course she did. You had taken her to see the swans and swan boats in the Public Gardens when you proposed because Swan was her last name."
Carlisle let out a single incredulous laugh. "Are you kidding? Her name was Bella Swan?"
Sam simply nodded before refocusing the conversation. "I can't believe you came to Boston simply because you knew you had met Bella here."
"I was actually hoping that it would help me remember something—that maybe being in a place that I had actually lived in would cause my memories to return. A part of me wondered if Bella returned to Boston after I didn't return home. It's entirely possible she thinks I am dead. I suppose I hoped she was here, but that I could be closer to her if she wasn't."
Sam couldn't begin to express his sadness at Carlisle's tale. "Did you remember? I must assume that you did not fully regain your memories if you still are known as Doctor Swan, and you haven't gone back to the ranch."
"I don't remember anything. I went to the Public Gardens, where Bella had explained I proposed. It felt familiar, and I know I've dreamt of it, but the memory wasn't clear." Suddenly, he remembered what Sam said about living with him in the past. He asked his next question with a cautious optimism. "Do you know where the ranch is? I want to find my family… to let them know that I'm alive. I want to get to know them."
"Of course I know, Carlisle. You're from just outside of Glasgow, Montana. I've never been there myself, but you always said that if I ever wanted to visit, I merely had to ask the folks in Glasgow where I could find the Cullen Ranch, and they'd help me find my way."
"My name is Carlisle Cullen, and I'm from Glasgow, Montana," Carlisle whispered, in awe that he finally could name his own face. He didn't know if Bella was still at the ranch, but knowing that he could find his family meant the world to him. His eyes met Sam's, and Sam was overwhelmed by the emotions they held. "Sam. You have given me my life back. I…I don't know how to thank you."
"You were always a good friend of mine, Carlisle, and I am only glad I could help. Let's also not forget that you just safely delivered my beautiful son."
Carlisle smiled warmly at the friend he wished he remembered. "I can never repay you, but I am so lucky to have found you. It seems we were both blessed with new life today. I know that I, for one, want to go visit the newest addition to your family."
Sam agreed, and the two men headed to the maternity war. Before they entered Emily's room together, Sam put his hand on Carlisle's arm, barring his entry. "Carlisle, Emily was Bella's roommate. I know she misses her greatly. If you could have her send Emily a letter, or just write me and tell me how Bella is, it would mean a great deal to both of us."
"I promise I will see to it. It's the least I can do."
x-x-x
Once Carlisle informed his boss that he had found information regarding his identity, Carlisle was effectively fired from the Massachusetts General Hospital. When Carlisle tried to insist that he wait to leave until they found a replacement for him, the chief of surgery told him he was no longer a surgeon on his staff. Hiring a replacement would be easy, and a man as honorable and kind as Carlisle deserved to finally be reunited with those who loved him.
Less than one week later, Carlisle boarded a train to Glasgow, Montana to finally find his family. He was headed home.
A/N: It's taken a while, but I think we all knew he'd get there eventually. Next update will be Monday, as usual.
