He tricked me… It wasn't a salad… it was spaghetti with cream sauce… It used to be my favourite before… but now… I could feel Austin's eyes piercing through me… noticing every move I made… making sure that the fork touches my lips and back to my plate. He was becoming obsessed about this. I couldn't make it all better if he was forcing me to do things. It was a ritual… Getting the fork close to my mouth and placing it back on the plate. I was all nervous, and he could notice. At one point he held me from my shoulders for support. He kept saying that he understands that it is hard… but in reality, nobody could understand it. He doesn't have to face anyone… he doesn't have to prove himself worthy. He is his own person… unlike me… I have to continuously prove that I deserve a shot… that I deserve to belong in a team… that I deserve to have proud parents. But that doesn't mean anything…

After almost an hour struggling to eat everything, I was feeling like crying. I was feeling defeated by a plate of spaghetti… I was defeated by my own self. I started to tear up, and although Austin tried to comfort me, it was to no avail. I decided to retreat early… however before I had to do something.


It had been almost an hour and half that I had been in the bathroom. I felt like I was throwing up my guts. I felt exhausted… weak… dizzy… and most of all… pain. I swallowed 5 laxatives that Austin didn't know I had, and went to take a bath. I almost slept in there. The warm water, the soapy feeling… it all made me relax… It was Austin that brought me out of my thoughts, as he knocked the bathroom door.

'Martina are you ok in there?'

'Yeah… I'm soon done… I slept in the bath… Don't worry.'

'Oh… ok…' He replied confused. He couldn't quite swallow it that I spent all that time sleeping in the bath. 'I hope you didn't use all the hot water.' He teased back.

'If I did, I'd laugh.' I replied back trying to make it seem like nothing.

'Yeah… cos it's a great feeling seeing your brother like that!'

'Yes it is.' I replied back as I got up from the bath. 'I'm soon ready.'

'Ok… I'll be in the living room.'


I was glad that he didn't hear anything. He would have been out of his mind if he knew. I had to do this very subtle. I went over the scale. It marked 70 pounds. I had to lose few more pounds. It's never enough.

I quickly got dressed into my pj's and made sure that everything was clean. I sprayed air freshener all over, just to make sure that any smell was covered. I hid back my laxatives behind mum's boxes. Nobody ever moved that. It was just an extra case to which we can hide stuff. Little I knew that it wasn't only me that knew the trick.

'Hey… welcome back to humanity.' Austin greeted me as he pulled me beside me.

'Hey…' I replied as I pulled the duvet over me. 'What are you watching?'

'Yesterday's game.' He simply replied. '… but as I'm back from the shower we can watch a comedy together if you want?'

'Yeah… that sounds cool.' I replied with a weak smile.

'I won't take long. I'm not a girl.' He replied with a teasing voice as he moved away. At that I threw him a pillow playfully.

'I'll ask mum so that in the next life you'll be a girl.'

'NOT. A. CHANCE.!' He smiled as he made his way up.


I finally had some time alone. It was lacking a bit these days. That night Austin was moving back to his place for a day or two. Although he was becoming annoying, I still missed him like hell. He promised he won't leave… but doesn't that just contradict his promise? I kept asking myself… what was I doing wrong to have my parents hate me?… him leaving...

I was watching Maury… or at least was trying to keep track of the show. I couldn't quite focus. My mind kept zoning into its own world. I couldn't think of anything else… except studying and training… I was putting mind maps on how to hide things from Austin especially. My friends started asking questions. I wanted to hide everything but sometimes things were out of my control. But that's what I want … CONTROL.


Austin was still showering, and taking his time. He put the used towels in the laundry basket, along with both our underwear. He was never prejudice about girl stuff. It was him that helped me out when I first became a woman. I remember, mum hadn't told me anything because she was shy, and dad was too busy to even notice that I was growing up. I panicked the first time I had my period. I mean, my friends told me what to expect, and how their experience was, but I never expected it to be like that. Austin was the one giving me the 'sex talk'… he was the one explaining bit by bit, and it was embarrassing getting everything in order by my brother. It was different.

I heard him singing the shaving song. He had a song for everything he did. He always said that it made things more interesting. I never saw how that was, but I guess that's Austin. After few minutes he was all done, and went to put the shaving cream back inside the bathroom cabinet, but he was too clumsy and dropped everything. All bottles, and creams, toothpastes and deodorants… and the one thing I never wanted him to move… mum's useless box. He started putting back everything, after a few curses, but he found something that I knew I would regret.

He came down the stairs quickly with a box in his hands. He saw me lost in thoughts, and made his way to switch off the television.

'Hey I was watching that!' I said.

'Well… I was shaving upstairs but then I found these!' He stated as he threw the laxatives on the table, and crossed his hands as if he's interrogating me.

'Where… where have you got those?'

'Those? Those were behind mum's box!' He replied. 'You promised me you weren't going to abuse these stuff!'

'I'm not taking this from you or from anyone.' I said back as I got up and headed for the stairs.

'Oh no missy!' He replied as he caught me from my hand. 'You are going to talk to me whether you like it or not.'

'Austin… Leave. Me. Alone.' I answered back keeping my ground.

'Why are you doing this? What have I done wrong to deserve this? You are killing yourself!'

'Austin not everything is about you, and I'm not doing anything!' I replied back.

'Oh… so abusing diet pills, laxatives, and anything else is nothing for you?'

'Austin, please just drop it.'

'No I'm not. I'm tired of watching you waste away. I'm trying to help, but you keep blocking me away.'

'You think I want this? You think I like being like this? Well, flash news I DON'T! Tonight you go back to your place and you leave me here alone. You don't face them arguing at night, and you don't hear them curse. I do. So don't tell me that I'm blocking you. You blocked me a long time ago Austin! When you decided to never move back.' I replied as I slid down on the stair.

'Is that how you feel?' He asked as he slid beside me and pulled me to his chest.

'Many times… I wish to end my life…'

'Stop saying that! You don't realise how much you hurt me by that!'

'You don't understand!'

'Then make me… talk to me…' He pleaded. 'I'm tired of seeing you hurt.' He replied as we heard shouting from outside the door.

'Oh come on Robert you cannot stay quiet in one meeting!' Mum shouted.

'That doesn't give you any right to decide the hours my daughter spends in that gym! She needs to be in her upper game.' Dad replied.


'I'm going up Austin. I don't want to face this.' I said as I hugged him and left up to my room.


Mum and dad came in still shouting. They didn't even notice that Austin was there. He watched them shouting at each other. Austin couldn't take the shouting anymore. It was also getting to him, but unlike me, he always spoke his mind.

'Would you two just stop arguing for once?'

'Austin don't brag into our differences.' Dad answered angrily.

'Dad for one second you should just stop and realize that this is not only affecting your relationship but it is also affecting us!'

'Austin I said shut up!'

'Robert, just listen to your own son!' Mum shouted.

'Why should I Margaret? He left here, and he wanted to take Martina with him. He would have ruined her life.'

'For your information dad, Martina has already ruined her life. She's anorexic for God's sake, and you're too busy to notice that she's killing herself.'

'Austin, I am the one keeping her dream alive. Without my financial help, she wouldn't be where she is.'

'Ohh… far from it dad! She would be better without all of you!' Austin retorted. 'Do you know that she is abusing diet pills and laxatives?'

'Dear, every girl goes through that type of period in her life. I did too, I remember taking laxatives and diet pills myself in my days.'

'Mum are you seriously this naïve? My sister is killing herself and you are saying it is normal?'

'Don't answer back to your mother!' Dad ordered as he took a sip from his scotch. 'Your sister is doing anything in her power to reach the gold. You should support her not stop her.'

At that Austin only saw red. He couldn't believe that our own parents became like that. He knew they fought and their heated arguments. But he never expected them to be this not caring.

'Are you mad dad? Do you even hear yourself? Your daughter is killing herself and you don't even care!'

'She is not! She is just making us proud dear!'

'Mum you cannot possibly believe that!'


I was tired of hearing them argue… I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted all the pain to end… I wanted everything to be the way it used to be. I went to my desk drawer, and there it was… my only pain relief… I took out my razor blade… It was time…