A/N:
Thank you guys for all those nice reviews. I really do appriciate them. I also know that this chapter is far overdue, but I have a new job and this means less time to write =( But I try my best to keep on writing for you
Chapter: 26
"Is Dr. Hagen very mad at you?" Summer asked him shyly the next day in school. Ryan's been debating as to whether it was wise going, but he couldn't get himself to admit that he was far over his limits.
"I think…she's rather disappointed," he replied.
"She takes it personal," Summer told him. He simply nodded. He was growing more and more tired of his life and he had come to a point on which he had no idea how to solve all of the problems which surrounded him. His body was tired too .Since a few days now his energy was dwindling. He had trouble keeping up with his homework. He started to fall behind which was so not good, because if that happened, it meant he would soon be out of school again. But he couldn't fight his tiredness anymore. All he could think of was his bed. That was the first place to go for him after school. He was way too rational as if to interpret this as some sort of current fatigue. On the other hand, he didn't want to accept the fact that Dr. Hagen has been right about his energy level. Added to that he was hunted by a never ending headache, something he kept for himself as to not being locked up in hospital again. No matter how irresponsible he was acting right now, he wouldn't change anything about it since he simply had no idea how to act differently. He was helpless, but too proud to admit it. He buried his face in his hands as to clear his mind.
"How's your music class going?" Summer asked him changing the topic and Ryan was grateful for this change.
"Uh…you mean this orchestra thing? Yeah, kind of boring."
"You never told me that you're…like some sort of musical genius," Summer said. Ryan shrugged it off.
"Hey…c'mon. I heard the gossip. You must be really good in…whatever you're doing there," Summer went on wanting to get more information out of him, but Ryan wasn't sure whether he should pass it on to her. He also wasn't sure whether he should let music become a part of his life again. Somehow, he again felt drawn to it, but then again he wasn't sure whether it was the right thing to do.
"Summer, it's not such a big deal," Ryan started to sooth Summers eagerness.
"You sure? I heard something about a Julliard orchestra," Summer pointed out.
"Yeah, but they only took me…because my Mom's been teaching there," he replied. His heart felt heavy. It was irrational, but Julliard meant something to him. It has been a big part of his Mom's life. The music, the piano had been his Mom's life. All these things were bringing him closer to his Mom again. They were pieces from her.
"Have you been giving concerts and such? I mean…back in New York?" Summer sounded awfully excited about this music thing whereas Ryan wasn't sure anymore what it meant to him. He had hoped a break would help him finding out what, but it didn't. Ryan nodded.
"Hey, as so called wunderkind, shouldn't you be a little more enthusiastic about all this?"
"Should be, but…you know, music is probably quite important for me…but…somehow it's also very personal. Nothing I…want to share with everyone," Ryan tried to explain his current relationship to music rather to himself than to Summer.
"Oh…because it reminds you of your Mom?" Summer asked hesitantly. Usually, Ryan would've cut off the conversation at this point, but Summer seemed genuinely to care. But then again it felt wrong bothering her with his issues. She probably had better things to do than listening to him whining about his life.
"Hey, don't you talk to me anymore?" Summer asked nudging his upper-arm.
"It's…you …back in New York, I was practicing a lot to get better and better. It's quite time consuming and it was difficult for me to make friends…I mean this cancer thing already makes a lot of things very complicated, but having such a talent on top…at some point I just felt awfully alienated. So I told my Mom that I wanted to stop practicing…but when she was gone it felt wrong forgetting all about she's been working so hard for and thus I started again…but it didn't feel the right thing to do either. I don't know…it's confusing and I need time to figure this out by myself," he tried to explain to her.
"So that's the reason for you being that reserved during rehearsal?" Marissa asked from behind. Ryan cringed. What he had just told Summer was something which wasn't supposed to go around in school.
"No worries, I won't tell anyone. But maybe you should… talk to the others. They're kind of…pissed, because they think you fancy yourself."
"Great," Ryan sighed. Things were getting more different each day.
"I take it that you won't arrange this new piece of music for us?" Marissa asked, sitting down next to him.
"I didn't say that. I…was just talking about the piano play. I…don't like playing in front of an audience," Ryan tried to sooth Marissa's worries.
"You're rather the guy in the background," Summer concluded. Ryan nodded.
"Oh…I think I could do something about that!" Marissa exclaimed and Ryan was worried immediately. Hasn't she understood?
"Marissa, please. I know that you probably mean well, but…" Ryan wanted to allure her from whatever she was thinking about.
"Don't worry. I know how to persuade our teacher from letting someone else play the piano. You'll see," Marissa went on and Ryan felt a sudden surge of relief.
"Oh…that'd be nice."
"Oh and be warned. Luke and Seth are all their charming selves again," Marissa added. Ryan didn't understand but his attention was drawn to Summer who heaved a sigh at the mentioning of Marissa's warning.
"What's it this time?" she asked, suddenly sounding old and tired.
"Both flunked maths and now they're supposed to get a tutor so they'll pass the curse by the end of the term," Marissa explained to them and Ryan made a mental note as to avoid Seth for the next couple of years.
"You have maths together, right?" Summer asked him
"Yeah, but only later. How come that he already knows that he flunked the test?"
"He and Luke were summoned to the teachers' room," Marissa explained further and Ryan cringed inwardly because it was foreseeable who had to endure at least Seth' mood now.
"Ryan!" A familiar voice called from behind and Ryan instinctively ducked his head. He had hoped to have time until after lunch. No such luck.
"Seth, whatever your problem is, Ryan's nothing to do with it," Marissa got to face off Seth.
"I didn't intend anything," Seth replied irritated. Ryan started weighing his options and whether it was wise to duck and cover or whether he had the power to stand up.
"That's be new," Summer huffed which got Ryan's head shooting up with attention. Oh shit, there was another boyfriend-girlfriend-crisis hitting the fan and he was caught in the middle of it.
"C'mon Sum, I really am making progress," Seth started pouting and Ryan had trouble understanding what was going on until it dawned to him that Summer must've put the screws on him.
"Yeah, you're a little more attentive towards me lately, but when I told you that you better start behaving like a human being again, I meant that you should start treat all people around you like human beings, not only me. That would've been just too simple," Summer told him.
"You're unfair. Mom's already punishing me day in and out…"
"Which obviously isn't enough. I want a nice, charming well behaving boyfriend and not some scrawny bad boy," Summer cut him off. Ryan bit his lip. These were really harsh words.
"Okay, I got it. But I promise, this time I am not here to…vent off my anger on you, Ryan," Seth directed the sentence towards him and Ryan glance at Seth. Wow, Seth must be really smart. Who knows what he has planned instead of his usual obvious attacks.
"Well,…anyway, since Marissa's here, I guess you know already that I've flunked maths once again…and…Dr. Petersen told me that I'll need a tutor if I want to pass the class and stay in AP," Seth started and Ryan tilted his head, already sensing what this was about.
"And…I just wanted to ask whether …I mean…your grades in maths are good and…maybe you could…be my tutor…please?" The bomb exploded. But Ryan wasn't angry at Seth asking him. He was bemused, because he could imagine how hard it was for Seth to come off his high horse.
"I…don't think that this is a good idea," Ryan objected though. He didn't need to give Seth anymore opportunities to vent his anger on him.
"Ryan…please," Seth started begging.
"No, Seth. This won't work out. I'm not yet healthy again and as you may see, I'm not yet dead either. So how do you think we'll get along since you're having such big trouble with my condition?" Ryan was being resentful, but Seth really hurt him, after Ryan had thought that he finally gained at least one friend. Watching all these hopes being destroyed through one sentence had been hard and Ryan still hasn't come over it. It was difficult to get over being blamed for his condition he had no control over. Worst of all was that people tended to only see what it meant for them and therefore didn't realise how rough it was for Ryan to live with it. The idea that there was someone not turning Ryan's cancer into something narcisstically egocentric point of view had felt refreshing.
Later on
"That's not fair," Ryan mumbled when Dr. Petersen after classed officially affirmed him as Seth new tutor.
"Ryan, life's not always fair," Dr. Petersen replied which seemed funny to Ryan.
"As if I've had not enough examples for that," Ryan stated flatly and left the class room, leaving Seth behind. He wasn't thrilled about this. Added to that he felt miserable. His headache which he woke up with worsened and it felt as if his head was about to explode. And he was tired. He really wanted to go back to bed and sleep whatever was bothering him off, but there were still two more classes to come.
"Ryan…c'mon…I promise I won't say anything stupid to you again," Seth came running after him, but Ryan wouldn't listen. He had other problems to solve the very moment.
"Ryan please." Seth begging was getting on his nerves and thus he turned around to face this guy whose behaviour couldn't be more ambivalent.
"What do you think you'll gain from this here? Will mommy love you a little more if you play nice with me?" he asked bitterly. Seth was stepping back. Exactly what he intended to.
"Know what, I give you this one advice: no matter what you do, it'll never be enough for your parents. That's the reality. Live with it," he went on telling off a dumbfounded Seth without recognizing that he was talking about the rules of his very own life instead of those applying to everyone.
"Ryan, stop being unfair," Seth countered enraged.
"Being unfair? Know what, instead of whining you should be glad that your Dad's gone. Or even better. You want Sandy? You can have him, because I don't want him anymore. The only reason for why I still put up with him is the fact that he's still my legal guardian," Ryan went on, leaving Seth no chance to respond before he turned around and left.
Next period
The class after maths was yet another one he had together with Ryan and Marissa. Seth was still musing on Ryan's words. They've cut into him like daggers. Indeed, Seth had somehow realised that Ryan and Sandy weren't BFF's, but he hasn't thought it was that bad though. Also, he never thought of Ryan being someone seeking to hurt others with what he said. Ryan always appeared so calm and collected. When the teacher started the class Seth noticed that the spot where Ryan usually sat was still empty. Marissa looked at him frowning as if he knew where the guy was, but he only shrugged his shoulders. Maybe Ryan went home. He surely was pissed off enough to do something like that. But then again, this wouldn't match Ryan. Added to that, he had listened to a conversation between his Mom and his grandparents. It was pretty obvious to them that Ryan didn't feel home in Newport –something Seth had trouble to understand. So, it was not very likely that Ryan, in his state of rage, would leave for a place where he didn't feel home. But where could he be?
"Mrs. Anderson?" Marissa suddenly asked the teacher's attention, "Ryan's not here, maybe someone should go and look for him," she added her suggestion.
"That's probably a good idea. Could you please?" Mrs. Anderson agreed to Marissa's suggestion.
"Of course," Marissa replied and jumped off her chair.
"Maybe…I should help her," Seth's mouth spoke faster than Seth's head was working. He couldn't tell why he offered his help, but something made him do it. Mrs. Anderson nodded in agreement.
"Wow, you seek every opportunity to ditch a class, don't you?" Marissa asked him bitterly when they were outside the classroom.
"I'm not ditching class, I'm helping you finding Ryan," Seth started pouting. He knew it was his fault that everyone doubted his intentions. But he lacked of any ideas to change this assumptions. He wanted to be the good guy again, because being a bad boy only meant trouble to him, more than he could handle. Though, he never thought it'd be that difficult to persuade the others that he had changed, at least a little.
"And I shall believe you?" Marissa huffed.
"I.…that's not fair," Seth started pouting again.
"Stop it Seth. Consider yourself lucky that Summer's still putting up with you. I, for my part, have had enough of this bullying shit," Marissa clarified her opinion and left Seth standing alone in the deserted corridors of the school building. Seth needed a few seconds to recover from Marissa's lash out, before he could follow her. He would prove to her that he wasn't ditching class, but seriously concerned. Alright, his willingness to help Marissa was driven by a selfish motive. If Ryan did something stupid because of something he – Seth –said, he – Seth – would have to carry the can for it and Seth wouldn't want that. Thus he offered Marissa to peek into the men washing rooms. He should've been glad when he found Ryan, but he was shocked instead. Ryan was sitting on the tiled floor, his head leaning against the wall. He was holding his nose and it was bleeding. At first Seth thought someone might have beaten Ryan. Only later it occurred to him that it might be related to Ryan's sever condition. He called Marissa for help who called the school nurse, who then tried to contact Ryan's father which was a futile mission. Seth suggested calling his Mom, because she would know what to do and so it was done. She arrived only minutes after the call and took Ryan to hospital. Seth wouldn't know what has happened until his Mom would tell him at night. Only then, Seth would have time to recollect the events of that day. It's been strange. He hadn't said a word to Ryan during the whole time, nor did Ryan direct a word at him.
Later on in hospital
"Don't you think it was better to call Dr. Hagen?" Kirsten asked the doctor who treated Ryan's nose bleed. He felt damn fucking embarrassed. Ryan couldn't tell how it had happened. From one second to the other blood poured out of his nose like water out of a tab and then everything went on quite fast. It must've been bad fate that it was Seth who found him, but worst of all was the fact that Sandy again was too busy to take a call and therefore Kirsten had to take care of him as if he was a pet whose owner was out of town for a while. No, Ryan didn't like this feeling.
"I told you, Dr. Hagen's in New York. She has some sort of meeting…discussing some difficult cases. I don't know. But I'll inform her about this. She wouldn't be able doing any more than I can do for now anyway," the doctor explained to them. Inwardly Ryan was quite lucky that Dr. Hagen wasn't there. He needed time to get prepared for her lecture.
"Alright, I'll take some of your blood now," the doctor said which somehow sounded funny to Ryan since he already seemed to have lost quite an amount of that body liquid.
"And what do you think it'll do good?" Ryan asked him.
"We check what caused your nosebleed. It could be a simple side effect from the meds or something…else," the doctor explained to him. "Else" as in "worse", Ryan thought to himself.
"And…what now?" Kirsten asked hesitantly looking back and fro between Ryan and the young doctor. Ryan wanted to tell her that she didn't need to play the parent, because he was quite trained in handling such situations on his own, but he didn't dare to.
"Well, first of all I'd suggest on Dr. Hagen's behalf that Ryan withdraws from school. I'm confident that being engaged in a normal school routine is one reason for this breakdown. Here's a note from Dr. Hagen in Ryan's file suggesting the same. Ryan needs his rest," the doctor explained to them what Ryan had foreseen already.
"Okay…uhm…can…I take Ryan home?" Kirsten asked.
"Yes, until the bloodwork's done there's no reason for him to stay here. We'll have the results within a few days. Sorry, but the lab is awfully understaffed," the doctor went on. And with these words Kirsten drove him home.
"Alright…," Kirsten said when they arrived at the house, "I think…you'd better lie down a bit while I fix you some lunch." Ryan simply nodded, too tired to argue about anything and was about to go upstairs in his room.
"You know, this is your home. You don't need to flee from me. So, if you rather want to stay in the den, since I'm sure you still don't have a TV in your room, you should do that," Kirsten encouraged him staying in her near. Ryan shrugged his shoulders since he didn't care whether it was meant so she could watch him closely or anything else. He was just too tired to think of anything.
