"Mark…I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have dragged you back into a life that you weren't ready for…but I didn't know what to do after Collins died….and a life partner who is too busy at work or otherwise too difficult for me to talk to about everything…especially sometimes when she is the problem…or I'm the problem, but I need help with something regarding her…and I know that it isn't fair to you…but I…I just didn't know what else to do…I still don't. I hate to think that I brought this on you…I should have made sure that you were okay." I could tell that he was only half listening at first, but when he noticed the tears that were streaming down my face, he looked away from the child, addressing me with great concern. I regretted breaking the silence, because I didn't want to have to end such a beautiful moment between father and daughter, knowing that the formation of that bond was one of the most influential on a girl. Not that Mark could have possibly been a bad father, no matter what, because he was just too sweet of a boy…too perfect. He slid over, and I sat down beside him on the bed, and for a long moment we were taken by the feeling of family, the Kodak moment. Then finally he broke the silence.
"Maureen, I'm not sorry that you convinced me to come back. Actually, I have never been able to be mad at you for anything, which is sort of why Roger gets so pissed at you. But regardless, you were right. Running away is not the solution it promises to be. I should have known better—I told Roger not to run away all those years ago. But when I got back to the loft and they were using again, it was all too much—they had been doing so well, you know…Mimi had gotten her GED after so much struggling and studying, having failed out of school when she was younger made it so hard…Roger was finally getting his act together…little gigs, but still they pay…they're married, too! I thought they were so happy. I just don't understand why they would throw it all away. I couldn't just stand there and watch everything that I've worked for fall to pieces…I can't be the strong one anymore. I haven't had a girlfriend in the past eleven years. ELEVEN, Maureen. When Roger and Mimi die, everything I have worked to preserve will be gone. And I will have nothing." I couldn't bring myself to tell him what Mimi had told me, I feared that it would make things worse. I could, however, offer something that he was overlooking…someone.
"You'll have Marcie." He nodded, though somewhat sadly.
"I wish I could have you…God Maureen…can't you see? I'm in love with you. I always will be. It's killing me the way that you are dragging me along here."
"I'm sorry Mark…I can't…I just…I can't!" I ran out of the room sobbing, pushing past the others, bumping into Roger, who muttered something that sounded like "drama queen" under his breath, which only served to make things worse. I ran head on into Joanne, almost knocking her over, but I couldn't stand to be with her right then, I needed to be alone. She looked confused, no doubt wondering where Marcie was, although it wouldn't be that hard for her to figure out I had left her with Mark. She looked unsure as to whether or not she should follow me, but I said nothing, just continued to run away. I didn't know where I was going, but I ran out of the hospital and kept going. I found myself in the graveyard, I had thrown myself down on top of Collins' grave, as if still unable to fathom that he was no longer with me. I was sobbing, screaming and pounding at the fresh dirt, unable to believe that it was real. Angel's grave sat beside his…it had only seemed right. I thought that I had been okay with his death…well, not completely okay, but I thought I would be able to handle it after watching his decline. It had been hard enough after Angel died, but that was somehow easier. Even though she had touched all of us so profoundly, we had only known her for such a short time before she passed. But Collins…he was my big brother. My protector. He always knew how to take care of me…he always cared enough to know when something was wrong. Even if I didn't want to hear it. I longed so much for one last hug…one of those big, warm embraces to reassure me…to tell me that everything was going to be all right. But I knew that I would never have that chance…I would never get what I wanted more than anything. Everything about the world seemed wrong since he died. This was the biggest sense of loss that I had ever felt in my life, even after I lost April, one of my best friends, my little sister. Even after losing Angel, who brought us all back together. Collins had been there for me every time that it mattered most…even when Mark was busy with Roger, even after I cheated on Mark, even after I dumped him for Joanne. He was still always there. Even when he was out of town, he would always manage to make the time for me. He made me feel like I actually mattered. My body wouldn't stop shaking, the sobs wracking my body, I couldn't breathe. I had never cried this hard in my life, ever. I never would have thought it possible to feel the amount of pain that I did, and knowing that nothing would ever make it better. Nothing would ever make it okay again. Out of necessity, having completely exhausted myself physically and emotionally, I was overtaken by a deep and dreamless sleep…
