Disclaimer: I wonder if anyone gets angry is I don't write that the Darren Shan Saga doesn't belong to me. Okay, let's try it. This week – No disclaimer!

(Which means I'll never have to write a disclaimer for The Darren Shan Saga ever again! Well, unless I get an idea for a new story. Unlikely)

However, I probably should mention that if you've seen Winnie The Pooh (2011), you might recognise one of its quotes in the chapter.

A/N: Have you guys noticed that Fountains Are Evil has only a third of the words in The Impossible, but has eight more chapters than The Impossible? How awesome is that?

And of course, thanks to KBerry for being the very last reviewer I'll mention for this fic, for reviewing the last chapter. Thanks, you!


Chapter 28 Surprise(s)!

The next morning I woke up on the ground, somewhat muddy and dirty. I groaned, feeling sore all over. I stretched, trying to get rid of some of the soreness. The girl lying on top me of me moaned silently as well, upset at having her sleep disturbed.

Then I remembered what we'd done the night before.

The sun was high up in the sky and for a second I panicked, then relief spread through me when I remembered that we were both still half-vampire and half-vampaneze.

I looked back at Steve and watched her blinking down at me. She smiled.

"Good morning," she greeted me.

"Morning," I replied. Then I kissed her forehead. She giggled.

"You attacked me last night," she complained. "Wrestled me to the ground and all," she said in that 'tsk tsk' manner.

"You started it," I reminded her.

"Did not!"

"Did too,"

"Did not,"

"Did too,"

"Not,"

"Too,"

"Whatever," she huffed, turning her back to me.

"At least I don't miss when I kiss,"

Steve slapped me.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

She grinned. "I've always wanted to do that. Unfortunately, it's not cool when a guy slaps a girl. When a girl slaps a guy, however... Everyone cheers,"

"Yeah, but did you have to slap me?"

"You were the one who chose to mock my kissing skills,"

I massaged my stinging flesh. The moment we switched genders back I would take advantage of that.

We put our clothes back on and spent the day just hanging out in the forest. It was Steve's idea not to go back until we were switched back. It would save us a lengthy explanation and the vampires and vampaneze were probably still to hungover - or asleep - to notice we were gone.

Night time came, and we waited to turn back to our rightful genders.

We waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited... And waited a bit more...

Until Steve broke.

"What's taking that damn fountain so long!" she shrieked shrilly.

"I don't know! Come on, fountain, change us back already!" I shouted at nothing in particular.

I cannot.

"What do you mean you can knot? How is that even relevant!" I shouted back.

Steve and the fountain were suddenly very silent. After a few moments, Steve tapped me on my shoulder.

"I think it means it can't," she informed me.

"Can't knot?" I repeated, and suddenly, all my rage disappeared, and I was filled with sympathy. "Oh, my condolences,"

...As I was saying, I am unable to switch back your genders. Because if I do so, you'll lose your... progeny.

"Our wha-?" was my reaction, but Steve squealed and clasped a hand over her mouth.

The fountain decided to simplify things for me. Your baby.

"What baby?" I asked, then Steve pulled my hand onto her belly and looked at me meaningfully. "Oh. That baby," I said calmly, but my head was whirling. A baby? How'd that happen? Vampires don't get babies! And neither do vampaneze.

Well, enjoy your early wedding gift. You'll turn back once the child is born. We won't be talking again. Good bye, Vampire Prince, Lord of the Vampaneze.

"Wait! No! Come back! You did this, didn't you?" But I was shouting accusations at empty air.

We were quiet for a while, taking everything in. Crickets chirped happily.

"Darren, does this mean I have to go through childbirth?" Steve asked, grabbing my hand and looking at me pleadingly.

"...Um..." I didn't know the answer.

So she slapped me again. I fell against a tree.

"Oh my god. I can't believe this is happening to me! Why me? Why not you? Why not Gannen? This is going to change the way I live forever! I'm too young for that! I can't believe this catastrophe!" She stopped to breathe here. "This is horrible!" Then she paused again, and I waited for her to take a breath, but she merely shrugged. "Oh well. At least I'm hot,"

"...right," I said, massaging my cheek.

"Well, what are you doing just leaning against a tree? Let's go back to the vampaneze base," she held a hand out to me, the same one that had just slapped me, and I took it hesitantly.

Then we walked, hand in hand, wondering what all our allies would say,

"But you know... I'm kind of happy. I like kids," Steve said as we walked. "Like Sirdehburrhers,"

"...Isn't that your pink sheep?" I asked.

"Minor details," Steve said, waving her hand dismissively. "Even if it would hurt. Ah well,"

"...right," I said, because what else could I say?

"I'll do my best to get revenge on you when we turn back," she smiled at me mischeviously, and despite the nervousness I felt from seeing that smile, I knew we were going to live happily ever after. No Debbie, no War of the Scars. Just Steve and I together.

Happily. Ever. After.

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Because that's so likely to happen.

"Darren!" A figure in a bear suit approached me as we got through the door of our home, and at first, I thought it was Mr Crepsley. Then I realised it was a somewhat ugly woman with orange hair and a long scar on her face. Her curves were very visible through her outfit.

"What the-" Steve asked for me. I was too frozen in shock to say anything.

"Steve! Darren!" said a tall, slender man with asian features. "I was wondering when you were going to come home. Right, honey?" he asked the woman beside him. What could only be Kirethren.

"Get your hand off my butt, please," was Kirethren's response to the male Liane.

"Gannen?" Steve exclaimed, spotting the pretty hot figure of his now also female protector.

"..." Gannen, like myself, couldn't bring himself to say anything.

"Darren, Steve!" A deep, deep voice said, and both of us turned out head to this huge, pink-haired man with muscles all over, looking down at both of us.

I pushed Steve behind me cautiously, placing myself between her and the huge, towering man. "...Who are you?" I asked the huge man.

"It's me, Sirdehburrhers!" The voice seemed somewhat offended.

"...You lie," was my response. SDBHS opened his mouth to say something, but never got to as all Steve and my fellow male vampire and vampaneze brothers decided to show themselves, except now none of them were male.

It was like being in the middle of a harem. In the middle of a very ugly vampire/vampaneze harem.

It all got too much for me, and I ran from the room, escaping all the female voices calling my name. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

The End?


A/N: The ending got really weird, but I didn't want it to end with 'Aww, how cute they're having a baby (Like in all of my other stories) and they're going to live happily ever after!' because those endings just aren't cool in a crack fic like this one. I hope you guys enjoyed a super-stupid ending to this hyper-stupid fic.

Well, thanks all for your reviews, your alerts and favourites, and I hope you guys aren't too disappointed with having wasted time to read this fic.