Replaced for spelling/grammar errors.
Chapter 28
Elizabeth did not quite know what to do with herself on reading this letter. She was by turns shocked, saddened and uneasy by the events unfolded from Mr Darcy's point of view. She did not wish to give credit to his words however she could not but understand his position when it came to his explanation about Jane and Bingley. Her feelings, though deep, were little displayed and an outside observer might fail to see where her heart lay.
Elizabeth then reflected that had the situation been reversed, had she observed Bingley and thought him to be unattached, would she have advised Jane against the match? She sighed and admitted to herself that she likely would have tried quite hard to separate her sister from such a connection.
Elizabeth went back and re read the part about Mr Hervey. She had indeed been most upset about the way he had ordered her to do something. But his explanation was unfortunately a reasonable one. She was shocked that she could be the target of such a nefarious plot and could not help but feel tendrils of gratitude that she would inspire such protective feelings in Mr Darcy.
Unfortunately once she allowed such feelings it was like the dam broke. His explanation for his poor humour during his first few weeks in Hertfordshire had to be allowed and her heart ached for the brother and sister who had been so affected by an unscrupulous young man. She had to admit that he had been aloof and dismissive at first but thereafter most of the neighbourhood had avoided him. Yes he did not seek conversation but neither did he avoid it. More than once he had been drawn in to conversation with someone, like herself, and would involve whoever she was with. Could he have been too shy to seek introductions?
A disturbing feeling of guilt was building inside her and she felt strongly that she had erred in her assumptions about this man. Given his explanations she could not but feel some regret at her refusal.
"Oh lord what have I done?"
She sank to the floor and wept. She had been so blind. She realised that she had dwelt on his bad qualities in order to soothe her perceived hurts as she had convinced herself he would never offer for her. Why would she convince herself he was not a good man just to protect her heart from him? How ill conceived such a plan now seemed. Until that moment she never knew herself.
Her aunt found her in the same position more than half an hour later
"Why Lizzie, whatever is the matter?"
"Oh aunt. I have been so foolish."
"Lizzie I would never think to use such a word to describe you. Let me call for some tea and we shall talk through your worries"
The tea was called and they settled themselves on the window seat, drawing shawls around them to help with the chill. Elizabeth told the story from the beginning. How she had been annoyed with Mr Darcy for seeming to disdain her neighbours, how she had gradually come to respect him and coupled with an attraction she had not expected she came to believe she loved him. She explained how she had convinced herself of his indifference and had dwelt on his negatives and his awful proposal. When she got to her reply she broke down again and her aunt put her arms around her and held her close.
"My dear you are being too hard on yourself. Yes you said some things which were founded on assumptions but there is much to be thought on. For example you seem to have forgotten about what he said of your family. You were right in your response. It would be difficult to be married to a man who has no respect for your family."
"I know aunt, but he seemed happy to meet you. And my family are difficult, not because of their station but their manners. I cannot but think him justified in his concerns"
"Do you think he would continue to respect you, despite his opinion of them?"
"I do not know aunt, I believed so sincerely that he would not. But now? I ... Oh aunt I cannot but wonder if I was incorrect and that I should not have spoken so"
"Well Lizzie, it is done. Now you must decide how you will recover"
"You are correct. I will not see him again until Mr Bingley's wedding, if he will even come. I have time to decide how to act"
"Will you ask for forgiveness?"
Elizabeth thought back to a conversation some weeks ago. "Mr Darcy once said that his good opinion once lost was lost forever. I have no hope of gaining his forgiveness but I could not be happy with myself if I did not try to ask for it. I am certain his tender feelings will be of short duration, given his feelings towards my family when coupled with my terrible behaviour."
"If you think so my dear."
They sat in silence for a few minutes
"What would you say if I invited you to come to London after Christmas? I was thinking of asking Jane but given her engagement I suspect she will not wish to leave her beau. A change of scene and society might help you clear your mind?"
"Oh aunt, what a wonderful idea."
It was soon settled to everyone's satisfaction.
Christmas was merry for most and Elizabeth managed to feign cheer enough to fool her family. Mr Darcy had left as he had said and Mr Hervey, being thoroughly rebuffed in his advances towards Elizabeth, had not stayed much longer. Mr Bingley was almost a constant visitor to Longborn and when not Jane was more often to be found visiting Lucy at Netherfield. Between the two to-be sisters there was developing a fondness rivalling most sisterly bonds.
Only one afternoon held any interactions of note.
The militia were round for tea, Mr Wickham was among them. Jane had just excused herself to walk with Mr Bingley and Elizabeth was just thinking of leaving too when Wickham spoke up.
"I hear Mr Bingley's friends have returned to London"
"Oh yes" Mrs Bennet was always happy to pass on gossip "both the gentlemen would return to town. Mr Hervey had been showing Lizzie some attention but she was not interested"
"Mama!"
Whickam laughed "we are sorry to lose Mr Hervey in the neighbourhood, but not quite so for Mr Darcy"
Mrs Bennet had been reminded of her manners and answered accordingly
"Did you know Mrs Bennet that I have known Mr Darcy my whole life?"
"Indeed sir, I had no idea"
"Tis true, but alas I am only the poor son of the old steward and quite beneath young Mr Darcy's notice"
Elizabeth listened with horror as Wickham related his whole history with Darcy, conveniently forgetting the most important part. Lydia, who was allowed in company at home again, exclaimed
"Poor Mr Wickham"
"Indeed" Lizzie could not help herself "and pray enlighten me, what happened to the money that was your compensation for resigning your interest in the church?"
Mr Wickham looked shocked, then white then stammered out "I think it must be time to depart, Denny?"
Denny looked a little surprised but complied, Wickham avoided Elizabeth's steely gaze as he hastened from the room.
"La, Lizzie, what was that about"
"He is not to be trusted, his whole tale was embellished to imply he was the victim." Elizabeth turned towards her younger sisters "will you avoid him please?"
Kitty and Lydia both gazed wide eyed and nodded, understanding enough to know that Lizzie had the right of it.
A/N - thank you all again for the lovely reviews. i am sorry I have not replied to many, I wanted to get a few chapters out tonigh as I am a little busy over the weekend so may not be able to update as often but I will try! :)
