This is rather later than I had hoped, but umm at least it's here! Happy Yule/Winter Solstice/Christmas! There's about 1-2 more chapters plus an epilogue left. No trigger warnings for this one. :)
Chapter Twenty Eight: I Wish I Could Trust You
"With child?" Loki, it seemed, could hardly get the words out; they stuck in his throat like sand.
He reached a hand out toward her, but stopped before his fingers could brush her stomach. His emerald eyes flickered down to where his fingers dared not touch then back at her red rimmed eyes. His hand dropped to his side. "My child?"
His question stung her. She had not wanted to tell him like that. She didn't want him to choose to start fighting for his own life because he felt obligation to her. It had just slipped out. She had known she was with child for a week or so now. The idea had formed in her mind slowly, almost like a shadow that spread throughout her consciousness over many days. It was only when she had really thought about how often she had been sick did she start to get worried. Then, when she finally had time to think about it, she realized her moon blood had not come in months.
She nodded, tears now freely flowing down her face, "of course he's yours. How could you even question that?"
It seemed as if everything he had been holding inside of him—all the anger, the fear, the doubt—rushed out. Loki dropped to his knees before her. Holding her hips tight, he pressed his cheek to her stomach as tears rolled down his face. Yeva wasn't sure if she wanted to push him away or hold him close. She was so furious that he had wanted to give up on everything, that it had taken her shocking news to get him to fight for himself, that he had questioned whether their child was his.
But still, he was fighting now—fighting for his life, for her, for their child. Yeva wrapped her arms around his neck and folded herself around him.
"I'm sorry, my love. I'm a bloody fool," he managed to whisper between sobs. "I should have had more faith in you."
He pulled away just a little, so he could look up at her. His emerald eyes shone with earnestness and hope. She stroked his cheek and dared to smile at him.
"I know you were—are—going through difficult thing. And I know I can never fully understand what you're feeling. But please, Loki, trust me enough to know that I'm not going to bolt in the opposite direction."
His gaze faltered and heat spread across his face in shame. "I don't deserve you."
It hurt to hear him say that. To think that he wasn't worthy of love.
"It's not about what you think you do or do not deserve. It is my choice to stay with you," she paused and took a deep breath, it would hurt to speak the next words, but she had to know. She stroked his cheek as she spoke. "Just like it's your choice if you want to walk away."
He knit his brows together in a frown, "why would you say that?"
"Obviously I want you to stay," she murmured, her body-wracking sobs finally subsiding into a slow trickle of tears. "But also don't want you to stay if it is only because you feel you have to. I want you to choose me. I want you to want to be my husband and to be a father."
"Well, then," Loki slowly stood, one hand still cradling her hip, the other stroked her cheek. He looked down at her, a soft, tender look in his eyes. Gently, he brushed his lips over her tear stained cheeks, first one, then the other. He left the lightest of kisses over her eyelids, and down the tip of her nose. She felt as if she were struggling to stand, to breathe. His gentle touches awoke a fire deep within her that she had not felt in months. He paused a moment, his lips hovering over her own, and smiled. "I will always choose you, Yeva, my lover, my wife, my queen."
Loki touched his lips to hers; it was the slightest brush of skin on skin. He seemed hesitant, perhaps repentant. Yeva sighed and leaned into his touch, their bodies pressing together in love for the first time in months. Her response seemed to encourage him, and he deepened the kiss. After a long moment Loki pulled away, and rested his forehead against hers. Their heavy breaths and rapid heartbeats joined the crackle of the fire as the only sounds in the room.
"I love you, Yevanna."
"I love you too, Loki."
They sat down on the small couch next to the fireplace. Loki wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she rested her head on his chest. She felt as if there were still a thousand other things they needed to say, and yet, they had already said the most important.
"Where do we go from here?" He asked, "I am scheduled for death as we speak."
Yeva shook her head, "no. I convinced Odin to let me prove you are not a traitor. You, I, and Thor are going to the underworld to gather the testimony of Sigyn and Baldur."
Loki let out a strangled laugh, "that sounds fantastic."
"I don't appreciate that sarcasm. It was the best I could do. It is not as if you were trying very hard to get yourself out of that prison cell," she snapped.
Loki sighed, "I know, sweetheart. Seeing Baldur or Sigyn, or even Thor for that matter, is not something I am particularly excited to do."
"I am not either. Loki…ah…never mind."
She had wanted to ask him about him and Sigyn. Everything that had happened seemed to indicate something deeper between them, but Yeva knew now was not the time. Anyway, after this final mission, they would have all of eternity to talk things through—and there were still things left to talk about.
He seemed like he wanted to ask her to continue you question, but then decided against it. After a long pause, he spoke.
"Do you think it a good idea for you to travel to Niflheim and Helheim? In your condition, I mean?"
"I am not suddenly made of glass, Loki. I did manage to win a war already…well, actually, two now that I think about it…do you think I should stay behind?"
He shook his head, "no, now that I have you back, I don't want to let you out of my sight. Just promise me you will be extra careful?"
Yevanna frowned; she had not yet realized how much being with child would change her life. She was so used to charging into battle wherever she went, how she had to think about someone else besides herself.
"I promise," she nodded. "Please, though, do not tell Thor. I do not want anyone in Asgard to know…I am worried it would not be safe for me. I mean, you mother knows…but…." She trailed off.
In truth, Queen Frigga had figured it out almost immediately—she was the goddess of marriage and childbirth after all. Yeva trusted Frigga though. And as much as she wanted to trust Thor, she did not know who much information he would share with Odin, even if it was only because he was excited or happy for them. Certainly she did not trust the Allfather anymore. Though for all she knew, Heimdall had overheard their conversation and would tell Odin. She sigh, everything was so complicated suddenly. And she so powerless. All they could do was hope for the best.
Loki kissed her forehead, "of course, darling. Though I cannot promise he will not figure it out."
The Bifrost observatory was chilly in the hours before dawn, though it didn't bother Yeva much. She enjoyed looked out over the universe, seeing the galaxies and nebulas glittering back at her. She sighed and let a small smiled creep across her face as she felt Loki's fingers tentatively entwine with hers. For that second, it almost seemed like everything was back to normal.
A moment later, Thor and Heimdall's boots were audible on the bridge as they approached. Dropping Loki's hand, she turned. Thor and Loki eyed each other and she could feel the tension crackling between them. Thor handed her two amulets.
"To keep us warm in Niflheim."
They were gold with a large, red stones with black flecks hanging from the center. Yeva knew that Elves and Aseir rarely were affected by the weather in their own realms, but Niflheim was a different matter all together. It the land of primordial mist, colder, even than Jotunheim. A frozen wasteland filled with the dead. There amulets would be warm welcome.
She put one of the amulets around her neck and handed the other to Loki. She wasn't entirely sure how strong his resistance to cold would be, but it was a nice gesture on Thor's part to bring one for his once-brother.
"Niflheim first, for Sigyn. Then Hel, for Baldur?" She asked, making sure they were all aware of the plan.
Thor nodded, "how will we find her spirit once we enter?"
"Leave that to me," Loki said, tightlipped.
The boys glared at each other for another moment before they turned and made themselves ready for Heimdall.
Yeva steeled her stomach for the Bifrost—the feeling was normally uncomfortable, but now she was sure to vomit. Just as she felt the familiar tug of power behind her navel, she felt Loki slip his hand into hers as they rocketed into the white path. The tunnel of light was beautiful and terrible at the same time—colors in ever hue and some she was sure she'd never seen before danced before her eyes. Just beyond the wall of light was the universe in all its vast beauty: galaxies, nebulas, and gaseous clouds. It was amazing beyond belief. She clung to Loki's hand for dear life. Anything to anchor her to reality—she felt as if she were going to be shot out of the tunnel into the vastness of space.
And as suddenly as it started, it was over. Her feet slammed into solid ground. Placing her hand on the hilt of her sword, Yeva looked around quickly, trying to ascertain if there was a threat nearby. From the silences of her companions, she assumed they were doing the same. The world before her was dark and shrouded with mist. She could only see about twenty feet in any direction, but the wind howled in anguish for miles. The cold bit through her bones and sliced at her skin; she had never felt such a freeze before in her entire 521 years.
They glanced at each other's faces, hands still on their weapons. Finally, Yeva turned to Loki. "Can you track Sigyn's soul from here?"
He nodded and rustled around in the inner pockets of his cloak. After a moment, he pulled out a small bundle of hair tied in a green ribbon. Yeva raised her eyebrow but didn't say anything. Loki muttered an incantation and the hair suddenly became alight with purple flames and long tendrils of fire slithered out of his hands. After a moment, the tendrils wounded together to formed a point.
"We'll follow the fire, it's like a compass, but for Sigyn's soul," Loki said in matter-of-fact tone before he started walking.
Thor stood a little further away from them, but was watching just as intently as she was. As far as she could tell, Thor had always been interested in the magic his brother did, and it seemed their falling out had not dampened that curiosity. After a moment, he nodded and followed after Yeva.
They walked in single file through the grey nothingness of the underworld in silence. Occasionally, Yeva thought she saw forms just beyond her line of sight. And perhaps she did; they could easily be passing by many shades and not even know it, given the heavy fog surrounding them.
It seemed to get colder the longer they went. A damp chill began creeping into her bones. Yeva pulled her cloak a little tighter and rubbed the amulet. She could feel warmth radiating off of it, but it didn't seem to help all that much. The constant wind and cold was draining her energy and it seemed as if they had been walking for hours. Although there was no way to tell; the light never changed. Finally, they came upon an outcropping of boulder that made a cave of sorts.
"Why don't we rest here for a while?" Thor called out to them.
Yeva and Loki stopped. She looked to Loki and shrugged, she did not want to show him how tired she was. He would only worry.
"Why not?"
She sat on the hard ground and leaned against the rock wall, eyes closed. Her exhaustion hit her like mjolnir and she could not imagine that a day or so of walking had tired her that much. But then again, she had heard exhaustion was a symptom of pregnancy. Cracking open an eye, she looked at Thor and Loki, who were still standing and glowering at each other.
"Well sit down," she snapped. One thing was certain, pregnancy definitely made her temper shorter.
After another moment, Thor did.
"Perhaps a fire?" Thor ventured, looking warily at Loki.
"Not, I think, the best idea. Hel only knows what's out there…"
Yeva sighed, "well, I'm going to sleep. Wake me up to stand guard when you need me."
Loki pulled the fur-lined cloak from his shoulders and covered her with it. When she tried to protest, he shushed her. "The cold doesn't bother me, it's alright."
She suddenly felt a little guilty for being short with him, and Thor too for that matter. But she honestly couldn't help it. With a gentle smile, Yeva thanked Loki for his cloak. He sat down and motioned for her to put her head in his lap. After a side long look at Thor, Yeva complied and found herself drifting off to sleep while Loki stroked her hair. The low murmur of the brothers' voices the only thing audible in the claustrophobia of the mist. She was too tired to figure out what they were saying, though she was happy they were, at least, speaking to each other.
Loki warily watched his once-brother as he stroked Yeva's soft curls. The silence in Niflheim was defining and he could feel the chasm of animosity between him and Thor. In a way, it reminded him of the night he and Yeva had spent in the Jotun cave. Though that had had a considerably better outcome, all things considered.
Loki scanned the void before them, more out of habit than necessity. Yeva had the best vision of all of them, and she couldn't see much more than a dozen feet.
"She really loves you," Thor's voice broke the emptiness around them.
Loki glanced at the asgardian for a moment, surprised that the thunderer would comment on such a thing. Perhaps he was only looking for a way to make conversation—something Loki was not particularly interested in. Not since is oh so loving older brother decided to sentence him to death.
"Yes," he responded finally.
"And do you love her?"
Loki tried not to show his irritation at such an invasive question. What did Thor care if Loki loved Yevanna? "Yes. I do."
Thor nodded, but remained silent for a long while.
"Father will not let you leave Asgard, regardless of what we find in this forsaken place," Thor's voice was surprisingly troubled.
Loki nodded. "I had surmised as much."
He looked down at the woman sleeping in his lap and smiled sadly. Odin would not keep his word to her. He knew Alfheimr was still beset with troubles and that she could sorely hope to lead a war against Asgard while her own kingdom needed to be put back together. Besides, the Allfather was too worried that the rest of the Nine Realms would learn that he had been harboring a Jotun in his own household and that that Jotun was suspected of turning traitor. It was too much of an embarrassment.
"Let me help you," Thor murmured. "You are my brother, despite all that's happened. I…I was mistaken while acting as regent. I was not ready for the throne. Let me right the wrongs I have done to you."
"I wish I could trust you," Loki sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. With a final look at Yeva, he spoke again. "What is your plan?"
A gentle hand shaking her shoulder woke Yeva. She sat up slowly, feeling surprisingly well rested given where she had slept.
"We're going to head out now," Loki said quietly.
Yeva nodded and took his proffered hand to stand, "did you sleep at all?"
"No, but I've spent the last few months lying in bed. I am fine."
They took off at a steady pace, still following the purple flames from the lock of Sigyn's hair. Yeva hoped that they located the other woman's shade soon—she did not want to think of what would happen if it was discovered that she was not in Alfheimr.
Eventually, as the mist parted before them, they came to another outcropping of rocks. There were a few gray figures clustered around, their voices echoing in the gray air. The purple flames pointed to one in particular, and as Yeva looked closer, she could see the memory of golden hair. Their footsteps reverberated through the void and as soon as the shade heard them, they started to scatter.
"Sigyn! Wait!" Loki called after their fleeing forms.
One paused and looked back at them, as the hurried to her.
"Loki?" Her voice was a soft breath of wind, faint and distant. "Are you dead?"
He shook his head, "No. I am here to keep that from happening, if you can believe it. I need your help."
Yeva looked at Sigyn's shade closer. It was as if all the color had been drained from her body, leaving instead a muted ash behind. Her eyes looked weary, the kind of weariness that comes when time has no meaning.
"Help?...Yes…I used to help you. But what can I do now?" Sigyn asked.
"I need you to tell Thor what happened between you and Baldur. Yevanna has told him, but we need your word to support her."
Sigyn's eyes slid to Yeva, where she was standing a little behind Loki. "Yes…I remember you too…He chose you over me," the shade seemed to shrug and Yeva saw Loki's jaw tighten at Sigyn's words. "And now I am dead. Yes…Baldur. He is in the other place. He cannot hurt me here. He made me do such terrible things…he did such terrible things. I could not stand by and watch him hurt you," her eyes snapped towards Loki again. "I remember loving you. I could not let him kill you along with all the others."
"What others?" Thor broke in, rubbing his chin in concentration.
She turned to him now, and Yeva saw Thor shudder at the dead woman's gaze. "Everyone. All of Asgard. Baldur sought to freeze the world and rule as vassal king."
Yeva turned to Thor, wanting desperately to leave Sigyn's shade. She did not want to hear how much the dead woman had loved Loki, or whispers of her own implication in Sigyn's death.
"Does that satisfy you?"
Thor nodded, "yes. I think the Allfather will be satisfied as well."
Yeva turned to Loki and paused. He was staring at Sigyn's shade with such sadness in his eyes, perhaps even guilt, but also love. It hurt to see him look at another so. On some level, Yevanna knew she shouldn't be jealous. By the Nine, Sigyn was dead and even so Loki had obviously chosen to be with the elvish princess long before the asgardian maid's death. Still feeling like she was intruding, she placed a hand gently on his forearm.
"Loki, we should away. The living must not stay long in the lands of the dead."
Slowly, Loki broke his gaze from Sigyn to look at Yeva. Covering her hand with his, he squeezed gently.
"Yes, you are right," he murmured before walking away.
Yeva paused, looking at Sigyn. She felt like she should say something, anything. Taking a deep breath, she managed to stammer out a few words.
"I am sorry that you died…because of me."
The shade stared at her for a moment, almost looked through her really, before replying. "It was my time."
Yeva nodded and hurried to catch up with the men. When they realized she was a bit behind them, they stopped.
"How do we get into Helheim?" Yeva asked as she reached them.
Looking back, the cluster of rocks were Sigyn and the other shades were had been swallowed up by the mist again. There was no way to tell what direction they were headed in or where they needed to go.
"Loki?" Thor said questioningly.
Loki shrugged, "I have no lock of Baldur's hair…perhaps we can ask…?"
Yeva sighed and looked down at the ground. She kicked a bit of rubble with the toe of her boot.
"And who in the name of the norns are we going to ask? No one in Niflheim will go anywhere near Helheim." Thor snapped.
Though she wasn't looking at him, she could feel Loki bristle. "Obviously if the souls here wish to stay away from Helheim, they know where to avoid."
Yeva frowned. Something was off. Leaving Thor and Loki to their quarreling, she wandered a little farther away. The ground abruptly changed from black lava stone to a gray flagstone. Yeva doubled back, walking in the opposite direction past the men. It was the same on the other side.
"Loki, Thor. Be quite!" she snapped, cutting into their argument. "We are already on a path, look." She pointed out the different coloration in the ground. "I'll wager that if we follow the black path, we will arrive at the gates of Helheim…it is a part of Niflheim, after all."
The two men exchanged looks with each other before shrugging.
"I suppose it is worth a try," Thor mused.
Yeva rolled her eyes and set off at a brisk pace, confident that they would follow behind her.
After a few more hours—perhaps half a day—of walking, Yeva decided she definitely did not enjoy Niflheim. Walking through the fog was cold, bone achingly so, and it was impossible to tell time. It irritated her usually adept tracking skills that she couldn't tell how far they had travelled or how much further they had yet to go. It seemed however, that the infernal mist was slowly thinning out. Yeva stopped abruptly, so much so that Loki and Thor nearly ran into her.
"Do you smell that?" She inquired.
Thor shook his head. Loki shrugged, "smell what, dearest?"
Yeva closed her eyes and took a deep breath—even if she couldn't see much, it helped to heighten her sense of smell to dampen that of her sight. "The air, it smells of…acid? Burning flesh? I believe we must be close. Perhaps a few miles off…"
Yes, the fog was definitely clearing up andthe air did smell funny. Yeva suddenly cursed her lack of knowledge for the other realms. She knew enough of Svartalfheim and Asgard, but after that…suffice to say, she had little idea what to expect in Helheim.
Turning her head back, she looked to the men behind her, "what do you know of Helheim?"
"It is an infernal place. Filled with the souls of the damned—usurpers, oath breakers, murderers, anyone whom you would wish not to meet in life, you'll find in Hel," Thor spoke grimly.
"According to some sources, it rains acid and the shades of the damned are forever burnt away and reformed only to be burned away again. Only Hel herself can provide any measure of comfort…though these cloaks should shield us from the worst of it," Loki added with equally grimness, a frown fixed on his handsome face.
Yeva nodded and pulled her hood closer to her face—it was already scared enough, she didn't need acid rain burning away her flesh as well. The men followed suit.
Finally, after much dull trudging, their small company came abruptly before a large black gate in the middle of a large black wall. Yeva thought it might have been made out of obsidian. The gate itself towered over their heads, up up up into the violet black sky. It seemed almost as tall as Yggdrasil, which she supposed, might be true. The shades of the damned had to be cast down somehow. The gate was closed, though she suspected it was more to keep souls in than to keep them out.
"How do we get in?" Loki asked.
"Move out of the way, Yeva," Thor commanded gruffly.
Yeva stepped aside, as Thor approached the gate, Mjolnir in his hand. With a might swing, he battered at the metal lock. She could see the force of his hammer ripple through the frame, but the gate did not open. With a frustrated look on his face, Thor swung once more. Again, the shock of force traveled through the metal, but the lock did not break. Readjusting his grip on Mjolnir's handle, Thor swung the weapon once more, a primal shout bursting forth from him as he did so. When the dense head of the hammer hit the lock the third time, it shattered, sending fragments flying everywhere. Loki pressed her to his chest, shielding Yeva from the worst of it. When she pulled away, Loki seemed uninjured, but Thor had a few cuts on his face. However, they started to heal right before her eyes.
Thor motioned for her to proceed, "after you, my lady."
Yeva nodded and stepped through the black gate, followed by Loki and then Thor. As soon as they were all on the other side, the gate swung shut and the lock knit itself back together out of nothingness.
They exchanged worried glances.
"What does not bode well," Loki murmured. The others nodded in agreement.
Now that they were safely—if it could be called that—in Helheim and out of the mist of Niflheim, Yeva looked out at their surroundings.
They were on a plain of cracked, dry earth, purplish black in color. It stretched out far as the eye could see. In the far distance a chain of mountains loomed on the horizon, crowned with black storm clouds. Squinting, Yeva could just make out a structure at the foot of the peaks, though it was impossible to say how large or far away it was, given the lack of anything between them and it.
"I believe Hel's hall is at the foot of those mountains," she said, pointing. "Perhaps we should stay clear of it. She did invade Asgard with Laufey, after all." Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Loki's jaw twitch at the mention of the jotun king.
"How do we find Baldur?" Thor asked, glancing at Loki.
Loki shrugged, "As I have already said, I have not trinket of his to burn."
"It seems going to Hel herself is our only option, unless either of you would prefer to wander around this forsaken place aimlessly for eternity," she quirked her eye up, questioning them.
"It doesn't look like we have a choice," Loki muttered, pointing at a black whirlwind approaching them from across the plain.
A moment later the funnel touched down, sending a hurricane of dust and ash their way. Yeva shielded her eyes with her arms as did the others. When she lowered them, two winged, ashen demons with leathery skin and red eyes stood before them.
"The Lady Hel, Empress of Death, wishes to welcome you to her kingdom," one hissed in a high pitched tone. "We are here to escort you, see you safely through the realm."
Their voices made Yeva's spine crawl.
"A Jotun, an Asgardian and an elf walk into Hel…mmm but what's the punch line?" Hel purred from her throne of bones, quirking up the sensual half of her mouth in mockery of a smile.
Yeva had only seen Hel from a distance on the battlefield, but she wished it had stayed that way. Half of her body was utterly beautiful, soft and pale, but the other half was fetid. She gave off a cloying mixture of meadow flowers and decaying flesh, and Yeva had to fight to control the bile rising in her throat. She really didn't think vomiting at the foot of Hel's skull throne would much improve their situation.
Thor stepped forward a little, "Lady Hel, we have come to your realm simply to speak with one of the shades here. We will not looking to disturb anything. We only wanted answers to a question only the dead can tell."
Hel gazed at the passively for a moment, as if considering his words. Yeva watched as a maggot crawled out of Hel's empty eye socket and into a hole in her cheek. She wondered if the goddess could feel the bugs wriggling around in her dead half. As another wave of nausea gripped her Yeva chided herself for thinking about Hel's dead flesh.
After another moment, the goddess rested a skeletal hand against a rotting cheek. "Which dead soul, pray tell, are you looking for? A relative perhaps—Laufey is here," she said nodding at Loki. "And Beowulf too," she turned her eye to Yeva.
Yeva frowned, why would Hel tell Loki Laufey was here? Was Laufey Loki's birth father? Why had he not told her? She could see the muscle in her husband's jaw clench again. Whether or not her suspicions were true, he certainly didn't like hearing of the dead jotun king. She was not surprised to hear that Beowulf's shade was somewhere in Helheim, however. Although Laufey surprised her; he had, after all, died on the battlefield. Perhaps his other actions in life bought him his place here.
"We are seeking Baldur, an Asgardian," Thor said respectfully.
Hel turned her head to consult with one of the lieutenants standing on either side of her throne. After a hushed back and forth, she turned back to them with a smile.
"Yes, I do believe he is here, though far away from my hall. He can be summoned, but it will take a day to bring him here. Why do you not stay the night as my guests?" She proposed sweetly.
The three glanced at each other nervously, none willing or wanting to answer the dead queen's question. Finally, Loki stepped forward.
"It would be our pleasure, my lady, it lodge in your renowned hall."
Hel scoffed.
"That's all very well and good, Silvertongue, but we'll see how flattering you are tomorrow when my terms for helping you are discussed. Take them to their chambers." She said with a dismissive wave of her hand.
Hel thinks she's really funny. Anyway...*takes deep breath*
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