"Steve?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are there cows in this?"

"Ask the camera crew."

"In the studio, I mean."

"Oh, to get some ambiance."

...

Edward was getting old-

"HEY!"

-his bearings were worn, and he clanked as he puffed along.

"I'll wear your bearings if you don't shut up with the old comments there!" snapped Edward, in a unusually grumpy mood, as he was taking empty cattle trucks to the market. Not any particular market, just Market. Maybe it had something to do with the idea of taking animals to their deaths was rather too much for the sensitive engine, or maybe it was because Edward knew it was him who would probably have to take the rotting carcasses back to wherever it was they were usually dumped.

The sun shone, birds sang (Nothing in particular) but Edward was heading for trouble. As he passed through Lower Suddery, there was a distinct clank as one truck rolled off. After restarting, Edward received the news halfway across the viaduct that apparently their client would not accept four trucks, but rather five. One long trek back, Edward was rapidly losing patience.

"Come on, come on!" he puffed angrily.

"Oh oh oh oh oh!" screamed the trucks. Edward puffed and clanked, as the trucks rattled and screamed some more.

Some cows were grazing nearby, and Edward felt immensely guilty about what he had to do. He tried to console himself with memories of what many cows had done to him (Repeatedly mistaking him for a unusual shaped and colored hedge, for a starter) but it didn't make him feel much better. These cows though were not used to trains. The noise and smoke disturbed them. And as Edward clanked-

"ENOUGH WITH THE CLANKING!"

-as Edward yelled at the narrator to stop with the clanking, they broke through the fence and ran across the line. One coupling broke, and some trucks (One really) and the brakevan were left behind.

The guard stared in bafflement at the cows, and began to wonder, being a city boy, if this was what Martians looked like.

Edward felt a jerk (Both in the sense that he felt a tugging sensation and that he felt terrible) but didn't much notice. He was used to trucks. This was also back in the days before trains without brakevans became common place. The un-safety conscious idiots.

"Bother these trucks! Why can't they come quietly and just give me a rest for once!?"

He was at the next station before he or his driver had realized what had happened. His fireman had noticed, but he was not the talkative type.

...

Later on, at Tidmouth Sheds, Gordon and Henry heard about the accident. They laughed and boasted. "Fancy allowing cows to break his train. They wouldn't dare do that to us! We'd show them!"

"They'd have to MOOOOve out of the way!" Henry added.

"Yeah! Cause we're a CUD above the rest!" howled Gordon.

Edward stared straight ahead, trying not to punt the two engines off the line. But Toby, who was more free with his speech nowadays, pulled up and was very cross. "You couldn't help it Edward! The Chuckle Brothers here have never met cows! I have and I know how troublesome they can be!"

"Well you said it about Henrietta."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME HENRY!?"

Edward growled, and puffed off as the three engines got into a argument. He, unlike some engines, had a actual train to pull.

...

Some days later, and many cow puns as well, Gordon rushed through Edward's station "POOP POOP! MIND THE COWS!"

"Not even a pun." muttered Edward rebelliously as his passengers, baffled by this exchange, slowly got on his coaches.

"Hurry hurry hurry!" puffed Gordon.

"Don't make such a fuss, don't make such a fuss!" snapped the coaches, in a real snappy mood that day. A long stretch of line lay ahead, and in the distance was a bridge. To the keen eye, there seemed to Gordon that there was something on the bridge. His driver clearly thought so too, as he immediately put on brakes.

"Awww, we're almost to Crosby." sighed Gordon melodramatically.

"Woah Gordon." The driver said as he shut off steam.

"PAH! It's only a cow!" said Gordon, in clear need of having to look up the word 'irony' in the dictionary. "SHOO! SHOO!"

"We're nowhere near a cobblers." said his fireman.

He moved slowly onto the bridge, but the cow wouldn't shoe. She had lost her calf, and was feeling lonely. She was a very clingy mother, in that way. "Moooooo." she said sadly.

Everyone tried to send her away, but she wouldn't go. She was like a barfly in that sense.

Eventually, Henry arrived, coming from Crosby with his own express train. Gordon cheerfully grinned. "Henry old chum!" he called. "Just the engine. There's a creature on here that won't move. You're a animal lover, right?"

"What's this? A cow? I'll settle her!" Henry cleared his throat. "BE OFF! BE OFF!"

"Moooooooooo." said the cow.

Henry looked befuddled, but rearranged it behind a smile. The cow, now interested in Henry, made a point to stay in the way of Gordon, but moved towards the green engine. Henry backed away nervously, with his massive smile still stuck on. "I don't want to hurt her." he protested weakly to Gordon, who was looking in annoyance at him. In fact, he was backing away at such a rate that one might have assumed that there was a actual serial killer on the track.

At the next station, Crosby once again, Henry's guard told the porters about the cow, and warned them that the line ahead was blocked.

"Hang on! That must be Bluebell!" said one porter. "Her calf is here! Ready to go to market!"

The driver, standing by the guard, frowned. "Why weren't they together?"

"Bloody animal rights activists! Some idiot gave them a anonymous tip off!"

"Edward." growled Henry.

"Percy will take the calf along."

Percy soon appeared, pulling a single van alongside Henry. A barber waved his fists. "Mama mia!" he said. "These-a bloody engines will-a drive me outta the business!"

Henry's frozen smile didn't deter Percy, as he puffed back to the bridge, where the passengers were beginning to become annoyed. At the bridge, Bluebell was very pleased to see her calf again, and the porter led them towards the cattle truck. Percy watched this with a mixture of excitement and amusement, excitement for his secret plan with Edward to get these two to the safe field of cows, and amusement at the expressions of both Gordon and Henry.

"Not a word!"

"Keep it dark!"

So whispered Gordon and Henry as they passed each other on the bridge. To say they felt rather silly would be a understatement.

The story, of course, soon spread.

...

And later that night, Gordon was the last of the engines to arrive back, Percy having wisely lain low after the mysterious loss of the two cows.

"Well well well." chuckled Edward. "TWO big engines afraid of a cow!?"

"AFRAID!?" sneered Gordon desperately, trying to ignore the knowing smirk from James, the joyous grin from Thomas and the knowing smile from Toby. "RUBBISH! We didn't want the poor thing hurting herself by running up against us!"

"Yeah!" Toby smiled at Henry. "Don't smile at me like that!"

"We stopped so as not to excite her. You see what I mean, dear Edward?"

"Yes Gordon." said Edward, with a completely innocent look on his face. Gordon felt somehow that Edward saw only too well.

The rest of the evening saw remarkable silence from both Henry and Gordon, but the other four engines were rather chatty. In particular, they seemed fascinated by the subject of cows.