A/N: Thanks to so many for helping me with this part. Hopefully I'm over the hurdle because this was a whole new level of stuck. Hopefully it flows and makes sense and fits in with the expectations each of you has for this story. Thanks to Lizzie, Jen, and Leo for the help. Seriously, each of you contributed in a major way and I hope most of all that you are pleased with the final product. Especially because my slow, over-obligated ass kept you waiting so long.
Thanks for waiting so long.
Songs:The first one is In My Veins by Andrew Belle (feat. Erin McCarley). In my head, this is the song that kind of started it all. It aired on Grey's Anatomy (ep 6X26: Death and All His Friends) so that's kind of how I referenced it even if I, once again, totally stole it for my own purposes. Either way, the song is beautiful and deserves a listen and I loved it before it was on TV. Okay, so the second song… well, if you call yourself and Finchel fan and you don't know it, I'm not going to tell you. So there.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: Obscure Literary References For the Win
Rachel really wasn't sure where she was going with the party-planning. She hated event planning. She wanted to just show up and look good and… for all her attention to detail and control over every aspect of her life once-upon-a-time, she no longer craved that kind of control. She didn't want to be the hostess and she supposed it could be said she was only doing it because it was for one of her favorite people in the world.
Plus, it was just the sort of thing daughters did—especially daughters who had barely sent a card or engaged in a five minute phone call regarding the retirement which was now becoming old news. (She'd been busy and they always seemed to find better things to talk about – like when she nagged him about his latest visit with his cardiologist, because what was more pressing than her Daddy's continued good health?)
"Are you sure you're going to pull this off?" Cooper asked. He was actually set to audition in Chicago on Monday afternoon, and as such was leaving straight from Lima later on a Greyhound. He was packed, he'd already returned the rental car in Columbus and (much to Rachel's annoyance) he still hadn't talked to—or really even about—Charlie.
Rachel looked down at the notepad in her lap, the list a haphazard mix of items checked and crossed as completed and no longer necessary; then of course there were the ones left untouched with her pen, mocking her with the fact they still needed attention.
"Maybe," she said simply. She bit her lip and took a deep breath. "I'm pretty sure the invitations are in the mail if someone did his job while I was jogging this morning. That means there is no turning back."
Cooper looked up from his bag. He'd said something about his aftershave leaking and it seemed he was still sorting that out; despite the grossness of his task, he smiled easily at his friend. "Yeah, well…there's no mail service on Sunday. Give me five minutes with a lookout and a bobby-pin and I think you'll be fine if you want them back."
"Pretty sure that is against federal law." She looked down at her list again. "But I think I can get this all done."
"Pretty sure that hasn't stopped me before," he tossed back easily. He looked down in his bag. "Do you have another bag I can borrow? This is just disgusting."
She looked up from her list to raise her eyebrows at him. "…why would I loan you a bag when I think you're an idiot for going?"
"Well, you'll have to forgive me. Not all of us have the illustrious Matt Jones begging us to work for him. Some of us have to just take the auditions we can find and go to…" he shuddered visibly "…open call."
She bypassed his snobbery (even though she would've said the same thing in his position) and her gaze was as direct as her words. "Look, Cooper… here's the thing. I've been exactly where you are and I handled it badly and I don't want to see you make the same mistake."
"You've told someone you love them and had them throw it back in your face? I don't think that's how it went down, at least not from what you told me."
She sighed a little and looked down at the notepad again. She wasn't crying—at least not yet—but the words blurred a little anyway. "That is how it went down after college, Coop. I came back, I told him I wanted us to be something, and in the end he just stayed and took his job and…well." She looked back up and shrugged.
"You…but how was that possible? You finished your last semester by email or whatever after you got picked up by Broadway Across America."
She bit her lip and bit back a smile. His fingers were still covered in aftershave and he looked distracted even as he was questioning her. She had half a mind to take a picture, send it to Charlie, and ask her friend how she didn't think he was the most adorable thing ever.
"I was there, I remember. And I'm not saying it's practical. But in my mind, he could've ditched it all and just come on the road with me for a while. We could've been together and we would've been happy."
"Yeah, until real life kicked in," he said shortly. He finally excused himself to go wash his hands and she took the liberty of peeking inside his bag once he was gone; he totally needed someone to take care of him. She was reasonably sure she didn't want it to be her (in some ways she had been that friend for far too long), but she knew someone who might fill the role and then some.
The thing was, she was—in spite of her Jewish roots—totally against this kind of meddling. But she was also frustrated with Cooper, frustrated with Charlie (who hadn't talked to her in the almost two weeks she'd been home), and frustrated because she'd had 48 hours to get used to having Finn Hudson just an arm's length away. She could tell it wasn't going to be an easy transition to be away from him now.
She frowned and took advantage of the opportunity provided by her alone time (one look inside the bag and she knew he would be gone a minute because it was a huge mess and, honestly, he'd probably drag her shopping to replace everything that was still inside because it was all going to be ruined. At the very least, nearly everything he owned would smell like Old Spice for at least a year, in spite of vigorous scrubbing) to text Charlie.
Cooper's auditioning in Chicago. WTF?
She was as shocked as anyone. She was using an acronym that involved the f-word. Maybe she was finally growing up.
Charlie answered nearly immediately.
What? Why?
Rachel shook her head. She honestly wasn't sure. She was quite certain she hadn't heard all the details of what had literally driven Cooper five hundred miles. And there had to be a specific reason he turned to Rachel for comfort. Something in their friendship or something he needed that only she could provide. And she'd been so wrapped up in her own life she wondered if she'd really been providing whatever he needed, or if she was just a terrible friend. She would have to ponder that later. She inhaled a deep breath and responded.
He said he was taking every open call he could find. I think he's trying to give you space but I don't know. He won't talk. How are you?
She set her notepad aside and gathered her knees up to her chest. She could hear the sink still running in her bathroom. Cooper came out, grabbed a few items from the bag that might be easily washed off, and went back into the bathroom, muttering under his breath. She couldn't hear everything, but she was pretty sure she heard something about Ziploc bags being the anecdote to 'dumb fucking luck'. She fought the urge to laugh. Her phone stayed silent and she fought the urge to just call Finn, too.
Watching them dance around was painful. She just…she thought maybe she and Finn were finally getting it right (after they'd been in the exact spot Cooper and Charlie were) and she wanted the same thing for her friends. She thought they could be good together if Cooper could get over his more flighty tendencies and Charlie could swallow her abandonment issues. Cooper was farbetter than, head and shoulders above, some of the dirtbags she'd seen Charlie date. Cooper was the only guy (besides Finn, of course) she held in such high regard, truthfully. She had her phone in her hand to text him just that, but…how silly would that be? She knew he was asleep still and she had nothing of value to say.
This sucks. How's the homewrecking?
Rachel frowned. She knew sometimes that was all anyone could say about a given situation; sometimes life did just suck. She shook her head at the last part.
He kind of burned that down before I got involved. Sorry to disappoint. Very little drama.
She smiled. She was relatively glad it was true this time. Any lingering issues they had would be resolved with simple passage of time and a constant reassurance they could stay together and figure out ways to bridge all the other distance.
Well that's good. I didn't want to interrupt all that with my crap. Is Coop ok? He won't call me back.
Rachel scowled and frowned at the same time. Cooper emerged from her bathroom, holding one of her bathroom towels in both hands, his freshly rinsed stuff tangled up into it. He stopped and his frown matched hers one he saw her.
"What?" He demanded. "Do I have something on my face? Because that's where all this aftershave is supposed to go."
"Coop…" she protested quietly. She looked down at the phone in her hand again and wished Finn were there again. She heaved a deep breath and stood up before she bit her lip and looked at him expectantly. "Charlie just sent me a text asking how you are since you won't call her back. She didn't know you were going to Chicago."
He swallowed hard but didn't back down from the questions in her gaze. "Well…technically it's not her business, is it? She asked me to leave."
"But did she ask you to return? I mean…Cooper…" she said sadly. She shook her head.
"Rachel…no. This isn't going to be some happy little ending like you seem to think you have with Finn."
She tossed her phone onto the bed and looked at him warily. "Like I seem to think I have? Are you saying I'm delusional?"
He sighed. "In your case, no. Half the reason I even came here was to make sure Finn wasn't a total douchebag because I kind of thought it was the case, but…just because you abandoned him that long ago doesn't mean that's what I'm doing to Charlie."
"No, the two cases are separate even if they're similar," she argued. "I'm just trying to tell you that I might've found a way to stop fighting with myself and to just be happy. That's what I want for you."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I have no reason to expect it to go this way. She kicked me out. She told me to leave because I told her I loved her."
"And don't you think loving her was enough reason to stay anyway?"
"Are you telling me honestly that you wish you had stayed in this stupid town that long ago? Because I can see it after less than two days—you don't belong here. You probably never did."
After college, she and Finn had broken the picture frame he'd kept in his room. It had fallen to the ground, carelessly forgotten when he kissed her stupid (and then they took it further); but it had seemed like a metaphor at the time. It was a huge metaphor to the girl who'd always looked for them. The picture of her and Finn during Rocky Horror, following the family-only performance they'd done. It had arguably been the best time for them as a couple. They had overcome so much and for that brief time, they were just happy. But in the end, it lay broken on the ground too, and it just became a metaphor; maybe a symbol of things that were broken, imperfect, and ultimately irreplaceable.
She knew now it was ridiculous to place all that emphasis on something. What's done was done. It was all in the past and they needed a fresh start if they were going to actually succeed this time. There were no more metaphors, no more symbols, and no more room for lonely and silent wishes. She and Finn were taking their last chance, and all she wanted was for Cooper to cut out the crap in the middle and see that he and Charlie deserved this kind of a chance too. If what they felt was real, they had to set all that other stuff aside.
"It's not that I wish I had stayed then," she started. She was already reaching for the iPod she'd cast to the nightstand when she returned from her run. "It's what I wish I had realized. The distance, the time, the different goals…we are the ones that made it matter. With some effort on both sides, things could be entirely different now. I'm just grateful we're putting in the effort now because it's not…loving someone isn't something you just get rid of. Sometimes when it's real, it's forever and it doesn't go away. And if that person runs away, it hurts. I hurt him when I left. And he hurt me when he didn't come with. I just want to spare my friends that pain."
He watched her curiously as she thumbed her way through her iPod before she puts it on the alarm clock radio situated haphazardly on the small table. It was the first (and still one of the only) things she'd actually unpacked from the shipped items.
"This is the song Finn actually heard on the television show."
Cooper narrowed his eyes and sat down on the bed, moving the towel full of his stuff out of the way. "Have you written a song about everything?"
She laughed a little. "No, but I did a lot of writing about what was in my heart, and somehow that's always been this guy…I think you're going to be the same way about Charlie if you just keep leaving."
Nothing goes as planned; everything will break. People say goodbye in their own special way. All that you rely on and all that you can fake will leave you in the morning and find you in the day.
His head turned and she opened her eyes when she sensed the movement.
Everything will change, nothing stays the same. Nobody is perfect, oh, but everyone's to blame. Hey, oh all that you rely on and all that can save will leave you in the morning and find you in the day.
His eyes closed in concentration, like she's noticed they always do when he's listening to a new song; they popped open though, when he heard her quietly singing with the male lead. He looked at her sadly. Maybe she did know what she was talking about it; that feeling of being addicted to someone, of being unable to shake feelings. She'd been unable to out run it. She had just put it into a song and kept running. He got it.
Oh, you're in my veins and I cannot get you out. Oh, you're all I taste, the life inside of my mouth. Oh, you run away 'cause I am not what you found. Oh, you're in my veins and I cannot get you out. No, I cannot get you out.
Her lips moved with the words and she was trying not to smile as she sang quietly along, her harmony now no less perfect than it was on the recording. She was singing straight from her heart.
"Well…" he said as the song strummed to an end. He shook his head. "I can see how that kind of obsession would make him call you."
She laughed a little, kicking her feet at him and even making gentle contact with his thigh. "Okay, first of all, my days as a stalker were numbered to my sophomore year. Second of all, he didn't say anything about the song. He said he heard my voice."
"Yeah, it's totally out of character for you to sing backup," he joked. "He probably wanted to make sure you weren't in the bell jar."
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Obscure literary references for the win. You see my point. And perhaps I have written a song about everything pertaining to a relationship not working out because at some point Finn and I have been there."
"Well, then you're probably going to get some new material," he said simply. "Because I don't think it's not going to work out this time."
"I already miss him, Coop," she whispered. "It's pathetic, I know, but two days wasn't enough. It's not nearlyenough."
"I think it might be for me," he said simply. "But I might need you to write me a song or something—since you seem to have a knack for that. Can you do that while I'm in Chicago?"
She rolled her eyes. "I might be able to do something like that," she agreed. "As long as you promise me you're going back."
"I'm going back," Cooper agreed. He leaned over and looked inside his bag. "Relationships really fucking suck, you know?"
"I think Old Spice is honestly your bigger enemy at the moment," she quipped lightly. He raised his narrow-eyed gaze to her as Defying Gravity burst from the phone sitting in her lap. He couldn't help it—even if Charlie wasn't there to be his partner in obnoxiousness, he started singing along.
Rachel was motioning with her hand for him to be quiet as she laughed and answered. "Hello?"
"Hey, Diva," Kurt said but he immediately scoffed. "I thought you were in Lima. How in the hell has this not stopped? Must he do it every time?"
"Well, if he knew I was hoping you would provide him with a place to stay he might stop doing that," she said firmly, her warning glance trained on Cooper, who promptly did her bidding.
"So much better," Kurt commented. "So that's why you called? To see if Cooper could stay with me?"
"Yes," she confirmed. "He's got an open call tomorrow so he'll be in town and without a next paycheck, his budget is kind of limited. Would you mind doing me this favor?"
"This favor in addition to all the coordinating I'm doing for your father's party?" He asked doubtfully.
Rachel sighed. He could be such a martyr. She hoped she had never sounded that put upon (and was choosing to ignore it if she had). "What coordinating? I don't believe I've asked for anything other than your attendance."
"Well, maybe you should," he said firmly. He let out a rush of words that included a request for her to Skype him all the possible samples for tablecloths and potential decorations before she managed to cut him off.
"I can't believe it's me saying this, but Kurt… focus!" She said, finally pulling the phone away from her ear and tapping on the microphone to get his attention. "Can Cooper stay with you?"
He sighed. "Yes. That'd be fine," he breathed. "So… have you spoken with Finn?"
She swallowed hard. It was always Kurt's nature to be painfully direct but for some reason it still surprised her. "Not really. He called last night before his band went on, but it was loud and late and we didn't get much of a chance to talk."
"And how are you?" He asked, his voice low.
She let out a wobbly sigh. "I think I'm fine. This time apart is going to be terrible, though."
"At least you're both admitting it this time, though. Have you any idea how hard it was to be the go-between during your last two failed attempts—without all the facts no less?"
"We're both admitting it?" She asked slowly. Cooper was frantically motioning to his back. She finally pointed to a box and he left her alone (she was sure it was for only a moment because she didn't know what was in the box she had directed him to, but she was reasonably certain it wouldn't be luggage).
"I think that's what makes the difference," Kurt says. "You know, you want to be together and so you are, geography be damned."
"I suppose it's a sign we've grown up," she said lightly. "I'm counting on you to help Cooper do the same while he's there."
"Oh."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I thought you were expecting me to convert him," Kurt said lightly.
She couldn't help it—she laughed out loud. "No."
"Hey, I have to run—literally, as unfortunate as that is. My trainer is here. Send me those photos you wanted me to approve?"
She sighed and opened her mouth to protest, but he was already 'sending his love' and hanging up.
Sending his love.
Sending all my love. Along the wires.
"Coop, you don't need me to write you a song," she said. "I already know the perfect one. Luckily, me and Finn have already been here so we've got the song to go with it."
Cooper stood up from where he'd just made a total mess of her personal belongings by upending three boxes until the found a duffel bag.
She had just slipped out the keyboard on her phone to text something to Finn when her phone buzzed from her hand and she instantly had tears in her eyes when she saw his words.
Being apart ain't easy on this love affair when two strangers learn to fall in love again. (We played this last night and I missed you. I love you, babe.)
"What song?" Cooper said. She tossed her phone at him. She didn't need to text Finn back—she could call him after Cooper left.
She knew he would be there, forever hers and faithfully—from here on out. That was the point. It was what her friends deserved, what she had, and it was the best thing in the world. He was the best thing in the world. And they were right there together. They were in the same place, so she didn't even need to miss him; not this time.
