A/N: Sorry about the long wait with this one, I got about half way through and had to restart because of comp problems. I did make up for it by making it, in my opinion, a lot better then the original version so at least something good came out of it.
5th September 2015
'Who Needs Information?'
My body felt heavy as I awoke, I say awoke, but it certainly didn't feel like I was waking up. My eyes could barely open, my body wouldn't move. Slowly I was able to open my eyes completely and I found myself staring up at a blank ceiling. My first guess was that I was in a hospital bed but as my eyes adjusted to the new light I could see that the ceiling I was looking at resembled that of a prison cell more than that of a hospital room. It was more of a dark, oppressive metallic colour. I looked to my side and saw the walls had been crudely painted a similar colour, however there were various indentations and markings mottled across the surface.
I tried once again to raise my hand to try to feel along the wall. It rose slightly but limply fell back to the bed I was lying on again. The feeling I had, it was almost like there was something pinning me down, I knew I could move, I had just proven that. I could feel my body, but it just felt like there was some external force holding me down.
I tried to raise my hand one more time but to no avail. It rose a few inches and then nothing. I would just have to wait, wait until this strange force left me or until someone entered my apocalyptic prison cell. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, whatever I was lying on certainly wasn't built for comfort not that there was anything I could do about it.
As I lay there I began to wonder just how I gotten there. I could remember certain things but they seemed so distant, some of the memories were there stronger than the others. I could remember the day, myself and Asuka were investigating the disappearance of Kawaoru Nagisa. I didn't really know the reasons why, but I knew of his importance as the head of Marduk so I could understand NERV getting involved.
With myself and Asuka being assigned the case though, naturally that meant it was important to SEELE or to my father. Once again we were just pawns in their battle. That was all I would ever really be I guess, a pawn, a device to be used and discarded at will. Someone finds a use for me and all is well, but once that use is gone I'm immediately discarded.
I remember being at Misato's though. She had called me and Asuka when we were on our way to NERV. I remember her telling me that she had seen that other agent who had been assigned to work with us, he had tried to attack her, to attack her baby. I remember going after him and finding out he had Asuka and then...
I can remember what happened then, I don't really want to though. I forced the memory away, it was too painful. I was fully realizing the severity of my situation, I had...I had let her down. I had made a promise to her and now...I had broken that promise. The image came into my mind again despite my attempts to force it away. As it replayed in my conscience I felt a familiar stinging sensation in the back of my eyes. The images replayed almost like they had happened only a few minutes ago, there he was holding her up. He reached his arm back and plunged a blade right through her body.
I blinked it away, I didn't want to relive this. I needed to get out of here, I needed to move or this was just going to get worse. I tried once again to raise my hand, some of the pressure I had felt earlier had eased but the majority was still there. I was able to raise it to a point and ran my hand along the wall feeling its cold steel surface.
Okay this is good, some movement. I focused on the other hand and moved. The pressure I felt on me before was definitely beginning to fade. I could actually move again, with each movement I felt some slight pain but I could actually move.
I shifted myself into a sitting position and looked around my cell, despite attempts not to, the thoughts of Asuka and all the others came back into my mind. Asuka, Ayanami, Misato, Kaji...even my father. Did they know where I was? Were any of them looking for me? Was Asuka even...
I felt a tear rolling down my cheek as I quickly brushed it away. There was no avoiding that thought though, I didn't even know if Asuka was alive. I can remember holding her in my arms after...after I killed Carter. I remember telling her that everything would be all right but I also remember the amount of blood she was losing. I remember where she had been stabbed. Anyone else stabbed in the same place would have died instantly. I suppose it was only because of the Evangelion serum flowing through her that she was able to survive as long as she did.
Another tear rolled down my face as I tried to get rid of the thought, get rid of the feeling that I had failed her. It felt so unfair that she might be dead and I was sat here feeling sorry for myself. She was a strong person, she was stronger than me she was a better person. I shouldn't be the one here, what did I have to offer the world? I was nothing more than a gear in a bigger machine...
I guess this was my punishment. This was what I deserved; to be here alone. This might be for the best, anyone that comes into contact with me either ends up getting hurt or abandoning me. The two people I allowed myself to love are either dead or in danger. Maybe I should have just left when I had the chance, it would have been easier for them.
I wiped my eyes again just as I heard the door to my cell open, I didn't look up at the person who entered. I didn't even care who it was, all I cared about was Asuka or Misato. I needed to know...I needed to find out how they were and I needed to apologize to them for being such a fuck up. If it wasn't for me...maybe they wouldn't have had to put up with all of this.
"Shinji Ikari..."
I didn't speak, I just simply nodded. I still didn't look up at the person who had entered. There was a strange familiarity to his voice though. It was strange how hearing it...it seemed to ease me slightly.
"What you are about to hear Shinji might be a bit of a shock and I'll understand if your reaction is not...favourable.
I looked up at him wondering what he was talking about. As soon as my eyes made contact with his I had to stop my mouth from opening in shock. I was sure he could have seen it though, from the way my eyes widened. I didn't really know what to think or say, I wondered if maybe this was some sort of sick joke or maybe I was in some bizarre dream. Standing in front of me, was the person me and Asuka had been sent to find, the man who was the head of one of the worlds largest organisations... Kaworou Nagisa.
"I am Kaworou Nagisa, the same Kaworou Nagisa you and your partner were charged with finding a few days ago..."
I still couldn't speak, I had nothing I wanted to say. I waited for him to speak and instead just stared down at the floor.
"I am sure you will have a lot of questions regarding your situation and I will do my best to answer them. I want you to know that I will be offering the truth to you, I do not intend to sell you a series of half truths like Keel, or use you like your father."
He knew about Keel and my father? He knew who I was...what was I supposed to do?
"I will not be able to explain everything immediately as I am needed elsewhere. Unfortunately much like you Shinji Ikari I have been a passenger on this train of manipulation and mind games for a long time, however, unlike you, I do not have a choice in what I do. That is why I have brought you here, that is why I am offering you the truth."
I still didn't really know what to say. There was one thing, but I was sure he didn't know and besides...what if it wasn't the answer I wanted. Maybe I was being selfish but...while I didn't know the answer there was still hope but if I did know the answer...if there was confirmation that she was gone...then...how would I ever live with myself?
I instead settled for something a bit more basic, I know it was maybe a bit pathetic and cowardly of me but...that was who I was.
"Where am I?"
Kaworou smiled, "You are...you're not on Earth any more. You are currently inside a...well...I guess it's a prison ship. It is used to transport people who have been abducted, or at least it was...the ship was loaned to Marduk by SEELE for our own personal use. Many experiments are done up here, ones that...ones that I'm not really proud of but were forced to do by SEELE."
The smile soon changed to a look I recognised, I decided not to pry much further but he had mentioned SEELE so I had to know more, "So...do you work for SEELE?"
He nodded, "I do. It is a complicated story but suffice to say I was selected by SEELE to run the Marduk Institute and prepare Earth for the new impact. My purpose will soon be fulfilled. That is why you are here. We were destined to meet Shinji Ikari...and soon you will have to make a difficult choice."
My destiny? My purpose…I already knew my so called purpose; it was to be a puppet, to go from one new owner to another. I didn't have choices, I didn't have a say, no matter how much I tried. Everything I did was just for someone else's gain or amusement. Even if I did have a choice how would I know what was right? I'd just end up hurting someone either way...why couldn't I just leave it all behind?
"I see."
I didn't have anything else to say past that, I just thought about what he had said and stared down at the floor. I desperately wanted to ask about her but I just couldn't, then he said something. It was almost as if he was looking into my mind before he said it.
"Shinji, she is alive you know...you saved her just in time. Thanks to you she survived..."
With those words he left the room leaving me to think for a few more moments. He must have meant Asuka...who else could he have meant? I felt more tears rolling down my face but I wasn't really sure why. Surely I should be happy after hearing that...and I was happy, I was ecstatic. She was still alive, she wasn't dead after all but something still hung over me, maybe it was the realization that I'd never see her again. I whispered quietly to myself a few simple words, she wouldn't have heard them but I knew she'd want to hear them.
I promise Asuka...that I'll return to you.
10th September 2015
Red Sector 'A'
Five days I think, yeah that must have been right, I had been here five days. I didn't have a clock or anything to keep track of time but I was sure it had been five days. The rate in which they gave me food and my sleeping patterns seemed to indicate that. Then again it wasn't like I had been doing much eating or sleeping in that time. I couldn't eat, every time I tried I just felt so damn sick and I don't even know why. Logically I shouldn't be feeling guilty, right? Asuka was safe, Misato was safe and it wasn't my fault I was here so why did I feel guilty?
Sleeping, well that was just the same. Each time I closed my eyes I just saw Carter trying to kill Asuka, how he brought that blade back and stabbed it straight through her body. How she screamed out and fell to the floor, how I saw the blood leaking from her body. Yet she was safe, she was all right and I had rescued her. Of course I guess if it wasn't for me she wouldn't have been in that position anyway.
There was one final thing playing on my mind though relating to when I was taken, it was the moment I was taken. There was this huge bright light I saw, obviously the search light of the craft which took me but I saw something inside the light. Something which I had seen before, a few months ago. A person, a woman who looked like Rei Ayanami only...she was older and didn't share the same pale blue hair as Ayanami. I didn't know this woman yet there was something strangely familiar about her, almost as if she was connected to me.
It's possible that because she looked like Ayanami, this is the reason I felt that connection, I had always felt a connection with Ayanami. I had always wanted to...I don't know, protect her? I don't know if that sounds strange considering Ayanami was certainly more than capable of taking care of herself, and besides, with what has happened, why would I want to protect her? However it's always been there, it's such a strong connection, it's not like the connection I feel with Asuka but this is more something you'd associate with...I don't know the way a brother wants to protect his sister?
I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of what I had just thought, maybe I was beginning to go insane thinking about this. Maybe I wasn't actually here, maybe I had finally snapped and was just living an illusion. My mind was here but my physical body was locked up in some institution or I was simply comatose somewhere. It certainly seemed possible, I mean look at the facts. I was supposedly on some prison ship floating around somewhere away from Earth. I was on board with the very person I was supposed to find and then he offers me the truth?
So there I sat in Red Sector A waiting patiently like a dog would wait for a master. I had either gone insane or maybe I really was that pathetic. Why did I even think Nagisa was going to return? It was probably just something he said to stop me trying to escape but there was something about the way he said it that made me think otherwise. Something that made me think that he was being truthful and that this time I would get what I wanted.
I sat up as I heard the familiar sound of the door to my room opening, I guess that meant it was time for food again. I looked up and was surprised to see it was not that but instead it was Nagisa, he closed the door behind in and stood facing me.
"Hello again, Shinji."
"Hi" My response was pretty feeble but how else was I really going to respond?
"I apologize for keeping you waiting so long, I had other business to attend to regarding the Institute. Unfortunately this kept me from explaining things to you."
"I see."
"Now Shinji I want to tell you why you're here first. I guess seeing as I promised you the truth I should tell you that truth. The truth is that you were becoming a risk to SEELE...or maybe I should say, a risk to Keel. The committee did not care so much as long as you were doing the work they needed. However as you might have guessed, Keel is not on the same page as they are. You were becoming a risk so he wanted you dead."
So my suspicions were correct, Keel had his own agenda and wanted me dead because I was a threat. So my only question is why would Nagisa want to keep me alive? If he worked for SEELE surely it wouldn't matter to him either way.
"The reason why you're here and still alive is because you have a destiny to fulfil."
Once again he was talking about my so called destiny, was this just a way of him saying 'do what I say'? Or did he mean something else. I didn't get a chance to question him before he began speaking again.
"Humanity has such a bright future ahead of it Shinji, Keel may think he's making the right choice, SEELE might think they are but...I think they're wrong. I think that doing this will only stop humanity from growing to its true potential. Look at what Marduk achieved in fifteen years, look at yourself and Asuka."
I didn't quite understand. I imagine he was talking about the Evangelion serum but I certainly didn't feel like I was proof of any human potential. Why should I? I hadn't helped anyone with my so called power, all I was was just a tool for other peoples gain. That isn't proof of potential that's just proof of being pathetic.
"The Evangelion serum could be much more than what it was used for on you and Asuka. Your mother and Asuka's mother never intended it to be used as a weapon, they thought they were using it to better humanity."
I thought about his words for a moment but then something else entered my mind regarding Marduk. The vaccine they were working on...what was that? It was supposed to be released around the time SEELE put their plan into place. I had to question it, "The Evangelion serum...and the vaccine Marduk is working on...are they...related?"
Kaworou smiled and nodded, "It was supposed to be a method of control for those injected with it. A sub race of human super soldiers but completely under the control of SEELE and the aliens SEELE work with. They would prepare those not affected for a process called harvesting, turning humans into mindless slaves."
So...they were going to essentially mass produce people like me and Asuka, only they wouldn't have a will of their own. They'd be puppets, mindless slaves. I had to stop this but how could I? I mean I was pretty much a puppet myself. How did I even know that what Kaworou was telling me was true?
"There is an island complex Marduk has, I know this is not what you really want to hear but in a few weeks Asuka will be taken there after a failed attempt at getting into the Marduk Institute headquarters in Tokyo 3. Your father will be sending both Ayanami and her there in an attempt to gather information on Marduk and yourself."
My father...he was going to be sending them to find out information on me? Did that mean that he wanted to find me? Or was it something else? What worried me though was that he said Asuka was going to be taken.
"Why will Asuka be taken?"
"Keel is paranoid, he wants to take out the remaining Angels and at the same time remove the Evangelions. You have been taken away, Asuka will be next. She will not be killed but the process will be unpleasant."
"Then why can't you stop it?"
"I wish I could Shinji but unfortunately it must happen otherwise she will be killed."
"Then why not just send me down to stop it?"
He shook his head, "I cannot do that."
I couldn't believe it, I had been brought there to help him stop Keel and his cronies, yet from the sounds of it Nagisa was just going to let them do what they wanted.
"So what? Am I supposed to sit here and watch?"
"I am sorry Shinji, but I cannot do anything. It must happen for both her and your own sakes."
I sighed and sank back realizing that there was nothing I could do. So what was the point of arguing about it? It was just...it seemed like Asuka had been through so much in the past few weeks, why should I sit by while she goes through more. She had been there for me yet I couldn't be there for her, it just made me feel more useless than I already did.
"When Asuka is taken I will transmit the location of the island anonymously to your father and Rei Ayanami. I will also send them a gift in the form of a small platform off the coast. It is my own private platform, no one else knows about it. I will ensure Asuka does not endure more suffering than she needs to."
Was that supposed to make me feel better? Okay so I knew she was going to be safe, then what? She would be in the company of my father? How was that going to make me feel any better? My father was just as bad as SEELE.
"Why my father?"
"Because your father wants the same thing you do Shinji."
30th September 2015
'The Answer Lies Within'
I was woken up by the sound of my room's door opening, I looked around and saw two figures enter the room. It was still dark so I couldn't see them properly, I closed my eyes again and feigned sleep. I really couldn't be bothered to talk to anyone, I was still tired and it wasn't even part of the crafts day cycle yet. Besides I just assumed that it was probably just Nagisa again.
I had assumed wrong, I could feel them standing over me and maybe then I should have done something. If two big figures stand over your bed after creeping into your room, you react right? It would seem the part of my brain which broadcasts good old fashioned Vulcan logic wasn't functioning at that moment. Instead I kept my eyes closed and ignored them, maybe if I ignored them they'd go away.
Once again I was wrong, I had another chance to react when one of them placed their hands on me. I did react, my eyes shot open and I sat up. Too late though one of them injected me with something, and I felt my eyes grow heavy as I fell asleep again.
I don't know how long I was out for, I could guess at only a couple of hours but when I did wake up it felt sort of like my body was floating. I opened my eyes again and found myself stood in a small circle of light. Beyond that stretched an eternal darkness going on forever and ever. I looked around the small lit up area I was in and found nothing.
There was no one nearby, yet at the same time I could feel a strange presence near me. It was not so much near me but all around me. It was such an unusual feeling because it felt so familiar...almost like I had encountered it before. I took a few steps forward out into the darkness and stopped. The light I had been standing in had moved with me, that was unusual to say the least. It was like a stage spotlight except I was not on a stage.
I took a few more steps and in front of me could make out the shadowed form of something. I stepped forward to get a closer look and saw that it was a wooden chair with a cello mounted against it. My cello...but that was...it was destroyed ages ago...I reached out and touched the neck slightly. It was definitely there and this was definitely mine. Just to make sure I lifted it and looked around the back. If this was my cello then it should definitely be there, a small marking on the back with my initials.
I turned the cello around in my hand and as soon as my eyes made contact with the marking I felt a hot burning sensation in my head. I released my grip on the instrument and lifted my hands up to my head. As I did so I felt something, that presence, it was stronger then before. The sensation began to leave and I knelt and reached out for the instrument again. As soon as I touched it I screamed out in pain. Something was happening, I felt something enter my mind. It flashed by quickly but it was definitely there. I wasn't imagining it, it was like a voice or text being screamed at me.
'Who are you?'
I reached out for the instrument and once again the voice made its presence known.
'Who are you?'
I didn't really know what to do, did I answer this strange presence, this voice that had somehow entered my mind? Or did I do nothing? I settled with doing nothing and tried to pick up the instrument, immediately as I did so the voice screamed out again, more intense than anything more. A surge of pain ran up my body as it shouted out.
'Who are you?'
This time I answered back, "Shinji Ikari."
The voice questioned me again.
'What is your purpose?'
My purpose? What did it mean by my purpose? Did it mean my purpose being here, if so it was just as clueless as I was. If it meant...no it couldn't have meant that, I decided to go with that though.
"To defeat the Angels."
'Why?'
"Because they are my enemy."
'Why?'
"Because they want to destroy us."
'Do they?'
"Yes they do, that's why I need to defeat them."
'Why?'
"I don't understand, so I...so that we can survive."
'Because they are your enemy?'
"Yes because they are our enemy!"
'Was Touji your enemy?'
"No but that..."
'Then why did he need to be killed?'
"He didn't it was...that thing that took over him...it was the Angel and my father!"
'Why are the Angels your enemy?'
"Because they want to destroy us, they want to get rid of humanity!"
'Don't SEELE want the same?'
"Yes but...I need to defeat the Angels to stop SEELE."
'But if you defeat the Angels then SEELE will succeed.'
"I know that but...if I..."
'Why are the Angels your enemy?'
"Because they attacked us!"
'Did you try to understand why?'
"Of course I did but no one told me!"
'So you just did what other people told you?'
"Yes! What else was I supposed to do?"
'You did what your father wanted you to do.'
"I didn't even know he was involved until later on, by then it was too late anyway!"
'Was it too late?'
"Yes!"
I was done, I was shouting at and speaking with a presence in my mind. One that was questioning my moves. Questioning what I was doing. It's words and questions were running through my mind. Why was I fighting? Was it because the Angels were our enemies? The only reason I know that was because of what I had been told by my father and SEELE. They had lied to me before, who's to say they weren't lying about the Angels. Maybe I was wrong by killing the Angels...but they had attacked us, they had caused death and destruction, how could I have just let that go?
"Pathetic..."
I turned around at the sound of the other voice, and stepped back in shock. It was Asuka...she was glaring at me, staring a hole right through me. I looked at her, she looked as if she hadn't slept for about a week and her body...her shirt I could still see the blood stain from where Carter had stabbed her weeks ago.
"You know why you're fighting Shinji...only you know the reasons..."
Only I know the reasons...but I didn't...I didn't know why I was fighting. Was it really what I thought I was fighting for? To stop SEELE, to save humanity?
"You know those aren't the reasons, stop being a coward and admit it to yourself!"
"I...I don't know..."
I said the words weakly, I was lying, the more I thought of it the more I did know. I wasn't fighting to save humanity, I was fighting for acceptance. Acceptance from the people around me, my purpose was to defeat the Angels...without that what was I?
"Nothing..."
The figure of Asuka standing in front of me answered the question for me and she was right. I was nothing without that. Without the Evangelion serum flowing through me, without the purpose of defeating the Angels I was nothing. I had nothing, I had no one. As much as I had convinced myself I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to be a puppet of my fathers...I did because it meant that in a strange way I was near to him.
"Yet you hate your father."
The figure of Asuka had disappeared and her voice was replaced by another familiar voice. I looked up and saw Ayanami standing in front of me.
"Why do you hate him?"
I shouted back at her, "Because of what he has done to me, because it's his fault I'm like this! He abandoned me when my mother died! He didn't care about me he just went off to do his own thing, to plan humanities downfall and then twenty years later he only makes himself known because he has a fucking use for me! Why shouldn't I hate him?"
"Because of his motives."
"His motives? His motives! Using me, using Asuka, using you as puppets for his own gain. Why shouldn't I hate him for those motives? He just wants what's best for him."
"Because he wants the same thing you do Shinji."
The figure of Rei in front of me had vanished yet...yet her voice remained. Only it wasn't her voice...it definitely sounded like her only slightly older. I turned and saw another woman in front of me. The same woman I had seen when I was taken, the one who looked like Rei only...with brown hair and older. The woman I found so familiar yet...yet I had never seen her before.
Next to her was a pushchair with a baby inside, I stepped forward and looked down at the baby. It was sleeping. The mother looked at me with a smile on her face and spoke softly.
"Do you really hate him Shinji?"
This woman...she knew my name and was also questioning me about my father. I nodded.
"Yes I do, because of what he did."
"Do you know why he did that?"
"Of course I don't, he never explained it to me, he never spoke to me. Even now he hasn't told me. He just hides behind his desk and does SEELE's work for them."
I didn't know why I was telling this woman all this, why did she even care? I didn't know her and she probably didn't know me.
"Your father was always a difficult man...he was dedicated to his cause but he was never one to open up to people. He would always try to get rid of his problems by ignoring them or locking them away."
Was that supposed to make me feel any better? That I was nothing more than a problem he could lock away?
"So I was just a problem then? I bet he couldn't wait until my mother died just so he could get rid of me then."
The sound of me getting slapped by the woman echoed through the darkness. I brought my hand up to my head and felt where I had been slapped and saw her glaring at me. She didn't say anything though instead she just looked at me and then...she embraced me. She stood there and actually pulled me towards her and held me. She whispered softly into my ear.
"Your father is not a bad man Shinji...remember that he wants the same thing as you and I do, even if it means distancing himself from you. Even if it meant distancing himself from me."
'Distancing himself from me.'...those words echoed around my mind as she held me. I leaned back and looked up at her face. Her eyes...her hair...it was beginning to come back to me...I realized where I had seen her before.
Tears stung the back of my eyes as the realization was finally hitting me, I looked at the child and then to the woman and whispered to her, "Mother..."
10th October 2015
'The Moment Of Clarity'
It had been about ten days since I had seen her, since I had seen my mother. When I had awoke from that strange dream I was back in my own room. I could remember everything about it though, from the moment those people had injected me and then seeing her. Since then I had felt a strange sense of calm, almost as if I was beginning to understand things. If it wasn't real and it certainly felt like it was then at least...at least I had something to hold on to.
Her words about my father were still echoing through me, I was trying to understand him, trying to understand why he would do what he did. It had been Kaworou who first told me that my father wanted the same thing I did. I hadn't really thought of it then, I didn't really want to think of anything then. Then I had been told it again and it was beginning to fall into place, I didn't have all of the answers but I was beginning to understand.
My father didn't want SEELE to succeed, he wanted to help humanity. That was what they meant. I just hadn't tried to understand it, I had been so blinded by wanting to hate him that I hadn't tried, but even with that knowledge, the feelings I had for him still remained. Why shouldn't I hate him? Was it all right for me to hate him even though he wanted the same as I? After all I had been through it was understandable.
I wondered when I would see Kaworou next, there was still so much I wanted to ask him. I had so many questions about my father, about SEELE about what I could do next. I guessed I had been here for about a month, maybe a bit more by now. In that time I had only seen Kaworou twice, both times he had explained bits and pieces but not as much as I had really liked. I guess that might have been my fault though. Those times I was so wrapped up in my own self pity I didn't really ask about anything that didn't concern me.
Now I had a clearer idea, I knew now that my father wanted to take down SEELE. I might not have liked him but I wouldn't sit back and let SEELE succeed. I wanted to know how I could help, if there was anything I could do. I felt useless sitting here doing nothing. Playing on my mind too was Kaworou's earlier words, that Asuka will soon be taken to the island facility Marduk has. He had reassured me that it had to happen, that it needed to happen but I still wasn't sure.
I decided to sit and wait, wait until Kaworou returned to find out what I could do. I know it sounds weird, I barely knew the guy but I trusted him.
3rd November 2015
'Knocking On Heavens Door'
The month I had been here had soon turned to two months. The past month had been uneventful, no word from Nagisa, no more strange events and nothing happening to me. I began to wonder if maybe anything else was going to happen. I was by now longing for some news, anything from Nagisa about Asuka or Misato or the rest of them. I had probably missed so much.
The possibility that all of this was just some other elaborate scheme had crossed over into my mind, that this was all just something to stop me from questioning anything. If that was the case though surely I would have been fed more information regularly and besides...I trusted Kaworou. I still couldn't explain why but the way he spoke to me, the way he told me things and the events that had happened here. I knew that he spoke the truth and that he wanted to help.
The door to my room suddenly opened and Nagisa stepped in accompanied by two mask wearing guards. I looked up in surprise, this was not how he had entered previously and the rifles the two guards were carrying certainly made me think this was not a friendly visit.
Nagisa spoke, his voice not full of the usual cheer but instead was more solemn.
"Shinji, I would like you to come with me. There is something that needs to be done."
I didn't move instead I just looked at him, I then smiled and stood up. I didn't really know why I smiled I guess it was just one of those reactions. Despite this I still trusted Nagisa, I wasn't sure why, maybe it was because of the solemn look and the two guards with rifles next to him. He certainly didn't look like he wanted to do this.
I complied with the request and followed him out of the door and through the corridors of the craft. After a few minutes of following him we entered a circular room, there were several panels and machines set up along with several screens at the front leading me to believe it was some sort of command centre.
I looked up and stopped when I saw who was there. Keel...and standing next to him was my father. My father was staring down at me, behind his glasses I could feel his eyes boring a hole in me. Next to him Keel was smiling down at me and Nagisa. Nagisa spoke up to him.
"I have done as you asked Keel."
"Excellent, it's been a long time Shinji."
I didn't reply, he didn't deserve a response from me and besides I didn't have anything to say to the bastard.
"No response, well that's okay, I understand. There is something I need from you though, Shinji. You see while you were away your colleagues have been busy and now there is only one Angel left. The person standing in front of you. The person who brought you here, Kaworou Nagisa."
I looked at Nagisa, he didn't make eye contact instead he just stood with his head hung. I felt betrayed in a way, Kaworou was an angel? That couldn't be possible, the Angels were our enemies weren't they? So how could he be an angel?
"So Shinji there is one thing that needs to be done and I'm sure you know what it is. After that you can walk free, kill Kawoaru Nagisa."
I looked up at Nagisa and then at Keel. Both of them were looking at me waiting for a response but how could I give one? This was madness. Kaworou couldn't have been an Angel, it just wasn't possible. How could it be Kaworou...? I had trusted him, he was my friend and this...he wouldn't betray me like this. I shouted back at Keel.
"No."
"Just as I expected, maybe this will prove to be an incentive then."
One of the screens flickered into life as Nagisa stepped across to me and spoke. His voice was barely above a whisper.
"Shinji...this is...this is the decision I mentioned to you when you first came here."
I turned to him and spoke, "I don't care, I'm not going to do it."
"You have to Shinji, the future of your species relies on it. I can't be allowed to live, don't you understand that!"
I did understand that but I couldn't do it, I wouldn't kill a friend again. I wouldn't let my hands murder someone because I had been told to. I responded back harshly."
"Then kill yourself then!"
"I can't Shinji, don't you understand? It has to be you."
I ignored him, trying not to show my emotions, the screen finally flickered into life. The image of a warehouse came on and inside was a man walking around. A man I soon recognised as one Ryoji Kaji, I turned and looked up at Keel who was smiling proudly.
What happened next...I don't want to describe. It happened so quickly and so easily, it was just...it wasn't supposed to happen like that, was it? There should have been a pause, or another chance for me to stop it but there wasn't. The gun shots inside the warehouse echoed from the screen in the command centre and all I could do was watch as Kaji's body fell to the floor.
That was it, he was gone so easily and for no reason. I felt sick to my stomach as the realization hit me...that was my fault. I could have prevented it but I didn't. Keel's words only echoed that fact.
"You could have prevented it Shinji and now thanks to you, Misato's child will grow up fatherless. All because you fail to see the bigger picture."
The bastard, the bigger picture? What bigger picture was there, killing innocents just for his gain? I felt a gun being placed into my hand as I looked up at Keel and then at Kaworou again. The guards around the room quickly aimed their own rifles at me so I didn't make any moves and aim for Keel. He spoke again before I had a chance to do anything.
"Now Shinji, imagine if anything like that should happen to Misato, or to Agent Sohryu...I can easily arrange it you know."
I didn't know what to do, did I really kill Kaworou, would I even be able to do that? Kaworou was still standing closely to me, he spoke again.
"Please Shinji, you have to do this. For the future of your race, if you don't...they all die. At least with this...you still have a chance. From here on it's between you and SEELE you have to understand that. You can still save them, but you need to do this."
"Kaworou...I...I don't...I can't."
He stepped closer and grabbed hold of my hand, aiming the gun near his heart and smiled.
"You have to do this."
I shook my head and tried to pull my hand away only for him to hold it in place.
"No I...I can't."
Above us Keel shouted again, "What's the hold up Ikari, come on I'm a busy man. Asuka won't have much time left at this rate."
I looked straight into Kaworou's eyes and smiled, "Kaworou...I'm so sorry."
"As am I Shinji Ikari..."
With those words I felt my hand tighten around the trigger and then...then he was gone and I had fired the shot. For that moment there was only silence as Keel and his men left the command centre leaving only me, my father and Kaworou's lifeless body. My mouth suddenly went dry and tears began to fall from my eyes as I looked at the body in front of me. I had done it...I had killed an innocent person again.
Next to me I heard my fathers voice, it seemed so distant though, "I'm sorry Shinji."
4th November 2015
'A Tout Le Monde'
Asuka's Residence – 1330 hours
Asuka looked directly are herself in the mirror, her hands trembling slightly as she saw the reflection and spoke quietly.
"I have nothing left...Shinji's gone...NERV's gone...I can't sleep...I can't eat...I can't do anything any more..."
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she felt the blade dig into her. This was the end for her, she had nothing left, everything had gone. She had failed to protect those she was meant to, she had failed to stop SEELE. All those around her had left, her friends, her colleagues...even Rei was now dead.
"I have nothing...I am no one...I don't deserve to be here any more."
She looked down at the blood trickling from her and lay down on the floor waiting for her release. As she looked on she saw a figure enter her view, she smiled and spoke again.
"I...I'm sorry Shinji."
