Panic attacks are clearly the moment to start seducing someone. Doesn't everyone know this?
Well now you do. Use this information wisely.
"There's a drumming noise, inside my head,
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it,
It makes such an almighty sound . . ."
-Drumming Song by Florence + the Machine
Again, another highly recommended song. If one were to read into it, I'd thing the sound of pounding "drums" was her heartbeat racing, which is how I made this connection.
I think the hardest part of writing Dib and Gaz now is replacing "(my) dad" with "Professor Membrane". It's just so automatic now. -_-
Enjoy.
P.S. GOING TO DISNEYLAND! IF I NEVER RETURN, YOU KNOW WHY!
Chapter 28
"How to Lose a Mind"
One would think that it is incredibly difficult to lose something that is not tangible.
And that one would be entirely, undoubtedly, wrong.
Struggling into consciousness is one thing. Attempting to still your paranoia, blame, guilt, loathing, and various other emotions was another thing entirely. Doing them at the same time was overwhelming. The first thing that happened upon my waking in a strange room was that I felt fear. The last time I'd woken, I was with Membrane and my brother, trapped in a basement. Now, who could really say where I was? Considering how dark it was, I couldn't have any idea as to where I was. And I wasn't surprised in the least, either, to find myself tangled in whatever sheets had wrapped around me. I did not, however, realize immediately that they were sheets. With my mind in chaos, I was wholly convinced I was trapped in a net, somewhere in a dungeon in my once-father's labs, and about to be experimented heavily upon.
Which I believe makes starting to tear apart every piece of furniture or object I could get my hands an entirely reasonable course of action.
The sheets, or to me, net, ripped rather easily. It was almost disappointing. I ended up shredding any piece of the fabric I got my hands on, kicking and flailing as I began hyperventilating in the tangle I was in. My hands did most of the damage, although my kicking feet tore holes in some places of the strained cloth wrapped around me. When I broke free I rolled and hit the floor, creating a hollow thump. The noise did not register to me as one I had made. To me, someone was coming and I froze, an unhinged terror making me tremble from head to toe. It did not help that a few minutes later, due to the noise I was making, someone actually was coming, but to check on me, not kill me or use my body for immoral experiments.
I tried to stand, feeling very much like a newborn, and stepped on something that felt like rubber. Except softer, with fuzz in most places but random bald spots here and there. And it also hurt me to step on it, not because the texture hurt on my feet, but because it pulled. Like I was stepping on my own hair. I let out a pained noise and fell onto my side, crying out again as that same pain tugged at my back. I rolled again, panicking to find that the weird rubbery stuff that hurt was starting to wrap around me as I rolled. The more I attached it, the more I hurt, and the more I hurt, the more freaked out I got. I muse what would've happened had not Zim, at that moment, come hastily into the room and untangled me from my own, unfamiliar appendages I wasn't even aware existed.
"Gaz?" Zim shouted, alarmed, steadying me and somehow managing to disentangle me, despite my furious rolling that I had yet to stop. "What are you-? Calm down! You're going to hurt yourself!"
I watched as the darkness gave way to a now dimly lit room, illuminated by star night-lights scattered across the roof. The moment I did not move that allowed Zim to disentangle me was the moment that I was captivated and confused by them. The most base part of my mind had taken over, and my natural, logical side was burrowed deep in a hole somewhere brooding. I was instinct now, and not my cynical, cunning kind. The kind that makes people jump off cliffs to get away from a fire and shoot before looking. Fear. Panic. I wasn't familiar with this kind of stuff. My body redesigning itself was throwing me off, setting my hormonal balance spinning on its axis and bouncing off the walls. To put it simply, I was a wreck. But also, to make things worse, I was also me. Which meant that, in any emotional extreme, I was definitely not the kind of girl to be messed with at the moment.
And though neither of us was really aware of it, Zim was currently directly in the line of fire.
"There," he said, sighing, recapturing my attention. I still had yet to notice the ugly, fleshy, fuzzy things on my back that he had just arranged. I had barely felt him touching them, too entranced and spastic to pay attention to anything else. "Did you hurt something?"
I stared at him.
In the dark, red eyes furrowed into confusion. "Gaz?"
To say Gaz was acting "strange" would be the understatement of the century. Psychotic was closer to the truth. Demented sounded about right for the look currently in her haggard and slightly dilated wide eyes. Terrified also seemed about accurate. Why she would in any way be afraid of me though, I had no idea. Granted, the last time I estimated she'd been conscious, she was with that awful human being that had somehow been allowed to raise children. Mutant children, yes, but infantile beings nonetheless. But she was here now, with me. Surely Gaz knew better than to panic at the first assumption without knowing all the facts?
I reached out my hand to touch her again, "Are you-?"
I should've realized my mistake the second her eyes flicked to my hand. Evidently, I did not see it until it was quite literally in my face. Specifically, her fist.
Without any warning whatsoever, I was sent hurtling across the room and into the door, slamming it just as I ran into it. My mind somehow took the time to register that Gaz had just delivered me a perfect rabbit-punch to the face. Pain exploded across my face and I clutched my cheek painfully, completely stunned. On certain occasions, Gaz punching me in the face would have been understandable. I was known to push her buttons, and one can only push so many with Gaz before there are consequences. But this time, obviously, I had done nothing wrong. I'd helped her.
And this was the kind of thanks I get?
"What," I shouted, unable to control my initial rage as I shot a furious, betrayed look at her. "The hell do you think you're doing?"
But I stopped, seeing the expression on her significantly paler face. Gaz was staring at me like I was the one who punched her. And like I planned on doing it again, repeatedly. She had her back pressed up against the side of her bed, seeming to be looking both at me and something that was not there. Two images in one, and whatever she saw, by the look on her face, I couldn't imagine it was very pretty. But I recognized it. The touch of madness hiding in the blood vessels of her red-rimmed eyes. Gaz had gotten sick.
And it wasn't the kind that came with a fever.
"Gaz," I said, slowly, cautiously edging towards her. "I'm not going to hurt you."
Her eyes widened as I edged closer, but she did not move. In fact, she got very still. I probably should have been suspicious at this. I was about to grab her, though admittedly I'm not sure what I planned on doing when I grabbed her, where her eyes narrowed.
Immediately I braced myself for another impact. Instead of delivering a punch, she lunged over me, and like a much more agile version of leap-frog she was over me and out the door. Before I even had time to spin around she had kicked me in the back of the head, throwing me to the floor painfully. I heard her cry out, as if she'd been the one kicked, and got up to find she'd fallen over and lost her balance somehow and was now on her back. I took the opportunity to lunge at her, bracing myself over her and attempting to snatch her wrists in my hands. She jerked violently, clawing at my face and kicking her legs wildly.
"I'm- trying to- help you!" I shrieked, irritated, shouting at her between grunts as I struggled to control her.
"LIAR!" She shouted, making me glad I'd had the sense to close the door behind me. Otherwise, the Dib-stink surely would've woken to check on us by now. And the last thing I needed was for him to find me in such a potentially compromising position.
I finally managed to snatch one wrist, pinning it next to her forehead. A part of me was tempted to just use my PAK legs, but I had a feeling that would only make things worse, not better. So for now, I was going to have to just tough it out with brute force. Which was becoming surprisingly difficult, even with Gaz still recovering from a cold. Beneath her, her wings seemed to be shuddering. Like they wanted to struggle with the rest of her but didn't know how. I worried that I hurt her, but I couldn't worry too much. Right now I just needed to calm her down and get her under control.
"What do you want from me, Gaz?" I demanded, managing to snatch her other arm and pin it to the floor. Her legs were still kicking wildly regardless, and I had no idea how to get her on the floor. "I've done everything I can to help you! Why do you still act like I'm going to betray you?"
"Everyone does!" She growled, locking eyes with me. That crazed look was staring to disappear with a fury I was more familiar with. And in a way, this scared me more than any madness she could have. "My father was going to use me for his own purposes! Why should you be any different?"
"Why should I not be?" I hissed, sliding her arms above her head to get closer to her face. "One thing Gaz. I want one thing that I've ever done to you that put you in harms way."
"You lied to me!"
"I protected you anyways!" I shouted. "How do you expect me to be able to help you when you won't even let me get close enough to trust you?"
"So you preach about me trusting you when you've never trusted me to begin with?" She shrieked, angrily, beginning to struggle violently.
"It's reasonable when you have something to be afraid of!" I snapped back, grunting at the strain it took to keep her from attacking me. "What's your excuse?"
She froze, abruptly, blinking in surprise as she stared at me. "You're . . . afraid of me?"
"Any person who isn't doesn't value their life," I hissed through gritted teeth. "You, however, have failed to answer my question; why are you afraid of me?"
"I'm not!"
"Well now whose the liar?"
She growled at me. A legitimate growl radiating from in her throat that made my eyes widen. Long forgotten Irken instincts told me to attack, to forget that this was Gaz and deal with her hostily. Thankfully, common sense overrode this, and instead I simply tightened my grip on her, ensuring she got nowhere.
"I'm afraid of you!" She finally snapped, averting her eyes from my gaze.
As if I needed her to throw another curveball tonight. My eyes widened and my grip slackened. Thankfully, she didn't take advantage of this and remained limp, staring off at nothing to the side, completely expressionless. My fingers drummed uncomfortable against her forearms, and I felt the urge to take my knees off of her legs. The silence was growing uncomfortable very quickly, and the longer I hovered so closely above her, the more I became increasingly aware of our rather suggestive positioning.
"Why do you want to help me so badly?"
Her quiet voice startled me out of my stupor, and I looked down at her emotionless expression.
I looked away myself. "I don't know."
Liar.
"Trust me, Gaz." I pleaded, ignoring the voice in my head as I regained my backbone. Or maybe not, considering how desperate and helpless I myself felt. Funny. Even when I had her pinned beneath me, at my mercy if I so wished it, she made me feel so worthless. "Please."
She remained still, staring at the wall with narrowed, frightened eyes like a caged animal, accepting the upcoming slaughter and feeling every aganozing moment of it. The more time that had passed though, the more I began to notice a peculiar change in her expression. Her eyes slowly began to pinken, and for a moment, I thought she was getting sick again. And then her eyse began to water, and an emotion never before seen on her face flickering into view. Her anger was melting, and her whole body began to quiver.
Immediately I was off of her, tugging the top blanket off of her bed and scooping her up, briefly, into my arms. I set the blanket around, kneeling before her to allow a certain amount of personal space between us. Her head was bowed towards the floor, and I resisted the urge to recoil as a drop of what immediately appeared to be water fell onto my glove.
She was crying.
I had absolutely no idea what to do.
"Gaz," I breathed, hesitantly reaching my hand towards her and letting it hover in the space between us, entirely unsure of where to put it.
She whispered, without her voice cracking. Her tears, as well as any anguish, were hidden and silent. "Is it over?"
I settled for taking her hand. "What do you mean?"
"The secrests," she hissed, flinching at the sound of her own harshness. "All of them. Do I know everything now?"
No.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, squeezing her hand lightly. "Gaz, what did your father-?"
"He's not my dad!" She shrieked, gaining volume a moment before returning to her quiet state. "I know I'm not . . . normal. But that doesn't matter to me. It never mattered to me, because I've never been normal. And that's all fine and dandy, but . . ."
". . . But what?"
"I can't take anymore secrets, Zim. I'm done with the hidden agendas and withheld information. I don't have it in me to take anymore lies and brush them off. And I know Membrane spilled his guts, about me and Dib. And Dib can't keep a secret for anything, so I know that he's clean."
My gaze darkened as I saw where this was going. "But you think I'm lying to you."
"Yes," she said flatly, lifting her head to look at me. "I do."
I scowled.
"Tell me I'm wrong." She challenged. "Tell me- honestly- that I know everything, and I'll drop it."
This was, in every literal sense, the moment of truth. Should I tell her? With Gir and her in the same house, it was bound to come blithering out of his mouth eventually, announced in that squeal he called a voice. And what would I do if that happened and the truth came out sometime after now? What would Gaz do? That's what was important. I had no idea whether or not she'd have it in her to forgive or trust me again, if she chose to do so now.
I looked down. "The situation has changed. It no longer matters."
Her eyes narrowed, but she relaxed some, apparently relieved that I was at least being honest with her. She was right. No more lies. We were all going to be together, indefinitely, and trust could not be built on transparent honesty.
"It doesn't matter anymore," she repeated to herself, hugging blanketed legs to her chest. If the situation hadn't been so serious, I might've found her cocooned state to be amusing. "I think that, despite everything, I'm still the same person. Things around me keep suggesting that I'm not the same, but, thinking back, I can't believer that's possible. Even if I thought I was dying, I would still be me, not matter what. The only reason I didn't react the same is because I didn't remember the circumstances, not my personality."
Something akin to fearful hope flickered in my chest. "Do you remember?"
She shook her head, dowsing any hopes that flame had of surviving. "No. But, I always knew you were lying, about how involved you were in my life. I kept getting these weird dreams and flashbacks of you."
"You . . . dreamed of Zim?" Somehow, I felt a little smug. I'm not exactly sure why, but I decided to keep my emotions to myself.
Her eyes went to the ceiling. "Don't get a bigger head because of it. It's not like I could control it."
"Well, that only makes things all the more complicated," I muttered, removing my hands from her person. Her tears were starting to ease, and she appeared to be calming down.
She seemed justifiably confused. "Why?"
I sighed. "It is . . . difficult to explain without compromising our current situation. My instincts inform me that, should you find out what I neglected to tell you, we will no longer be as comfortable as we are. And I won't be able to help you anymore." I looked up at her seriously, all previously inner musings gone. "Yet, out of respect . . . I will leave the choice up to you, despite what my opinion on the matter remains. Do you want to know my secret?"
Gaz didn't say anything for some time. She appeared initially nervous, but as time passed, so, apparently, did her nerves. Her face set into a plan, unreadable, and yet very Gaz-like expression.
"Yes."
In any other situation, her lack of hesitance in an otherwise tense situation would've been admirable. But all things considered, I almost wished she had a different personality in her possession.
Almost.
Apparantly, he couldn't bring himself to look at me while he explained. He made a point of looking towards the wall, on the exact opposite side of the room. "Very well. But please keep in mind that you asked for this. You cannot blame me for anything, when you know."
"Alright," I replied calmly. His gaze shot to me before I could do anything else, and I was glad at my level expression. He searched my face a few moments before looking away, as quickly as his curiosity came.
He, to my utter amazement, looked uncomfortable. "So . . . three months is a long time."
My brow rose. "I . . . suppose."
Zim let out another impatient breath. But he made no move to stop. A deal was a deal, after all. "I won't bother asking if you remember that cliff you fell off of, as well as the rather vivid sketch you drew of one particular area."
My eyes widened. I felt like someone had slapped me. I'd completely forgotten about it, to be honest (1). Hiding my embarrassment with a flick of irritation, I waited for him to continue.
"That cliff is where . . . well, the first time that you . . ."
What was he mumbling about?
"Well, both of us really, I suppose. We were both there. I mean, well-."
My eye twitched. As if sensing the change in the tenseness of the air, his antennae twitched, and he glanced at me nervously. Upon seeing my smoldering, he looked up at the ceiling and mumbled something in a language we I couldn't understand. That, or he was just speaking to quickly and quietly for me to hear. My brow rose, resisting the urge to shiver. Was it me, or had it gotten colder in here? I wrapped the blanket tighter around me. Of course Zim noticed.
He seemed immediately concerned. "Are you well?"
"Fine," I muttered, looking at the floor. I really didn't like feeling so helpless. This lack of sense and erratic behavior my brain was determined to grace me with was exhausting. No wonder crazy people were often insomniacs; sometimes you were just too exhausted to sleep. "Just get on with it already . . . please."
That startled him, I knew. It was just polite though. Nothing really.
"That time on the hill . . .
Why is he so nervous?
"was the first time that we . . ."
Wait . . . Oh god, we hadn't-?
"Kissed."
(1) As I'm sure most of you had, as well. I love doing that, bringing back up things you've forgotten about. It makes me smile, or, well, smirk. That's about as close as I get.
Cliff-hangers are the most absolutely adorable thing I could ever think of. Don't you agree?
Yes! THE LAST OF THE SECRETS IS REVEALED! NO MORE LIES! NOW, ONE WITH PLOT ONLY!
That was particularly tedious. I'm glad to be done of it, aren't you?
Till the next chapter.
