Published September 2, 2009
Ten Big Poes
Morpha's water gathered on the roof for some reason and exploded upon its surrender. "I've been practicing that all week!" Morpha exclaimed. "It was meant to be for victory, but then this happened."
-Chamber of the Sages-
No fusion happened upon entering this portal either, fortunately. The platform was getting rather crowded however, with Gohma, King Dodongo, and Barinade taking up most of the room. Phantom Ganon and Volvagia were flying over the bottomless abyss that Medigoron was still yelling from. Gohma was bouncing Morpha.
Ruto appeared on the Water Sage's platform. "It looks like I'm the Sage of Water!" she announced. "Good job guys, Morpha is now… tamed."
"I AM NOT A PET!" Morpha yelled indignantly.
"I guess this means that the Zoras will thaw out eventually," Ruto said. "I could care less about them, my eyes are only for you Navi! Navi?" Navi had not entered the portal, hoping to exit by backtracking through the temple. Ruto waited, grinning as this was the only way out of the boss room. The fairy begrudgingly went into the chamber through the portal, which ominously closed behind her.. "As a reward, I grant my eternal love to you!"
"I want a cash settlement," King Dodongo interjected.
"No, shut up fatass."
"It's flesh!"
"Unfortunately, I was told that I have to offer you all something aside from love this time," Ruto muttered. "So our wedding will be postponed, Navi. In the meantime here's a Water Medallion to remember me by! I've covered it in my scent for you."
"You came through the portal with us, how have you done so much already?" Navi asked.
"Magic Navi, magic." Ruto gave the fairy a pat on the head. "Now take the medallion and hurry to finish your journey. Once it is over we shall be together forever. And if any of you try to interfere I will personally carve out your skull while you still live and drown you in acid!"
"I consist of cartilage and water," Barinade pointed out.
"I'll think of something. Now go, go and save the land!" A bright flash of light carried everyone out of the chamber. "I shall be counting the days."
Darunia looked down at Medigoron. "He's still here? Has not anyone taken him out?"
-Lake Hylia-
"I'm tempted to sacrifice myself on this journey," Navi said as they warped to outside of the temple. "Any suggestions on how to make it look heroic and at the same time guarantee death?"
Sheik was waiting for them when they arrived, interrupting any further talk of death. "Good work, congratulations on completing this one without any casualties."
"The enemy was not threatening at all, there was nothing to worry about," Volvagia hissed as Gohma juggled Morpha and a beach ball.
"I AM THE GREAT MORPHA! Do not treat me as a toy!"
"Shut the fuck up and be juggled."
"So… Did Ruto tell you to thank me for saving her?" Sheik asked apprehensively, leaning in.
Link thought for a moment, a rare sight. "Nope, she didn't mention you at all."
Sheik's eyes grew dark, his aura turning blood red. "That bitch, I'm going to mutilate her! Also, meet me in Kakariko in a few hours." He disappeared in a burst of smoke. "Until then, don't do anything stupid!" Sheik's voice echoed.
"Stupid is a very broad term. What does that rock say?"
"'When the water fills the lake, shoot for the morning sun'," Navi read, looking at a plaque on the ground that she had seen when Sheik was talking. "Well, the lake's full of water, but what does that mean?"
"Maybe I shoot the Sun as it's rising in the morning," Link suggested, taking out his bow.
"The Sun's one hundred and fifty million kilometres from us, your arrow won't touch it!" Navi chided. "Trying to shoot the Sun makes you look retarded."
"Well I'm not moving until we try," Link said, still pointing his bow where the Sun comes up.
"It's noon Link," Gohma said. "I think we'd be a wee bit late for Sheik's meeting."
"This will work I tell you, it will!"
-The next day-
"It actually worked," Gohma said in disbelief as Link aimed his fire arrows and shot them randomly.
"BURN BABY BURN, I'VE GOT AN INFERNO! BURN BABY BURN, IT'S HOPELESS TO RUN!" Link sang, rather badly I might add. "Who said it was impossible to shoot the Sun? YOU. And who shot the Sun? ME." Link was brutally killed and revived by another one of his seemingly infinite fairies.
As he mumbled random – and quite nonsensical – threats, Link approached Hyrule field. "I smell something," Volvagia hissed. "It smells dead. It is… there!"
A Big Poe appeared before them. It laughed wildly at them and began to fly away. "No one laughs at Link Von Dunterschnitzel and gets away with it!"
"That's not your name," Navi said. "On second thought, I don't care anymore."
Link chased after the Big Poe as it flew through the air, twirling as if mocking him. "Come back here!" The Poe slowed its pace down until Link had just about reached it, and then shook its ass in his face. It then sped up again. "Phantom, you're a ghost, do something!"
"I'm not actually a ghost," Phantom Ganon said. "I am a solidified antimatter being constructed with Ganondorf's DNA implanted into-"
"Don't try to explain it," Gohma said. "Just pretend you are and give a half assed effort."
"Um, okay. Hey, you, Poe! Come back here or… I'll… have to… go over there!" Phantom yelled in a very unthreatening tone. The Poe gasped in mock fright and nodded vigorously, approaching them. It then farted and continued to run. "Well, that's all that I can do, Link."
"There's gotta be a song on this thing to help," Link grumbled, playing with his ocarina and seeming to have forgotten about Phantom. "What about this one…" He played the Song of Storms.
"Poes like rain from what I can tell," Navi said.
He played the Song of Time.
"That does nothing.
He played a jumble of random notes.
"That was musical gibberish."
He played Epona's Song. Epona charged passed them, tackled the Big Poe, and brutally mauled it. She tore the head off and shook it around, crushing the body.
"That was quite effective."
The Big Poe's lantern shattered and a frowning flame emerged. Link picked it up. "I'll name you Dennis!" He scratched the flame's chin. "Who's a good flame? You're a good flame! Yes you are, yes you are!"
Gohma observed the flame, ignoring Link. "I know a guy who you can sell that to for a lot of cash," it said. "He set up a store in the remains of the market and will probably pay for those."
King Dodongo grabbed Dennis, looking at it eagerly. "Pay, eh? Let's go catch more of these! You know, release them from their suffering, blah blah blah, all that sappy crap. Let's make money!"
And so, the hunt began. They split into three groups to scour for the numerous Big Poes split throughout the field. Link, Epona, and Bariande were in one group; King Dodongo, Gohma, and Navi were in another; and Phantom, Volvagia, and Morpha made the last. "I smell discrimination against the newbies!" Volvagia had said.
"I'm guessing that we're the only group meant to do anything, and the others are just there to get rid of the incompetent ones," Navi said to King Dodongo, the organizer of the teams.
"Of course, they don't have any incentive to do anything. I, however, have money driving me forward! And with money I can buy my precious tavern back!" He chuckled, but suddenly stopped. "I haven't checked up on those two Dodongos in a while, what did I even ask them to do last time?"
-A few days ago-
"While I'm getting the Triforce, you two have a job," King Dodongo said.
"Make more lemonade?"
"Exactly. If this fails, we need a back up plan. We need eleven million rupees, and if we sell each glass for five rupees then all we need are 2 200 000 glasses of lemonade. Start now."
-Present time-
"Oh yeah, that."
"I caught two!" Link exclaimed, holding two flames from over a hill.
"I got four biatch!" Morpha yelled, bouncing passed them.
"And we have none," Navi said. "Some money-driven elites we're turning out to be, eh?"
King Dodongo scoffed at this. "A minor setback. There are still more left, three if my formula came out correctly. And if my monetary estimates are also correct then that amounts to four hundred and eighty thousand rupees. Sha-shaw, we're off!"
Gohma soon spotted one of the remaining Poes taking a drink close to the ranch. King Dodongo charged the ghost which dropped its drink and began to fly away. "To help or not to help…" Gohma decided not to help and downed the Poe's dropped drink.
The Big Poe snickered at the sprinting King Dodongo. "Dammit, I'm out of shape," he gasped as the Poe taunted him. Link suddenly leaped out of a nearby tree and decapitated it. "What the hell were you doing in that tree Link?"
"It's a long, long story," Link said as he perched a foot on top of the Big Poe's body, stabbing it one more time to make sure the decapitated Poe was dead. "Once, long ago, I believed that with enough determination one could accomplish their many goals. Hoping to amount to something, I decided to make myself a goal that would be both easily doable and at the same time big enough to make me the type of hero that-"
"I didn't ask for your life story," King Dodongo suddenly said. "I no longer care. Now there are only two more Poes! I have to find them first!"
"But you did find this one first, I just jumped out of a tree-"
"I don't care!"
King Dodongo began to search again for the two remaining Poes. Link's group had somehow killed four Big Poes, and Volvagia's group had killed four as well. Even if only two were left, that would still amount to a lot of money in his eyes. Said eyes were clouded by the thought of gaining a large amount of cash.
When Navi mercilessly slaughtered the second last Big Poe, only one was left for King Dodongo to kill. It was pretty cautious now, trying to avoid the group. "Poe, get over here!" It stuck its tongue out. "I want to kill you and steal your soul, now come here right now! I have ice cream." This was not convincing enough for the Big Poe and it soon began to flee. King Dodongo pursued, but the Poe was intercepted by Morpha.
"I will show you my power!" It bounced into the Poe's face and was promptly thrown to the side.
"Such power," Gohma mocked.
This delay was all King Dodongo needed to pounce on the unsuspecting Poe and tear out its throat. "YES! I killed it! In your faces!"
The Poe twitched, but Phantom jabbed his sceptre into its face, killing it for good. "Looks like it wasn't dead. Oh well, you're welcome." He was promptly mauled.
-Hyrule Castle Town-
Gohma led them into the market, and then toward the building that the individual they would sell the Big Poes to lurked. The store was very dark and had a cage where several emotionally diverse Poe spirits was kept. They approached a figure with a cloak covering their face and one glowing red spot where the hidden face would be.
"Oh, why hello there Gohma," what sounded like an old man said. "I see that you've brought a friend with you. You're Link I assume?"
"How do you know who I am?"
"I can read minds… That and Gohma described you as a bumbling idiot whose life would be long over if not for divine intervention. You look like a person fitting that description," the Poe Salesman said.
"Wow, something cares enough about me for divine intervention? AWESOME!"
The Poe Salesman was unsure of what to say. "Well… I was, um, going to say that I was just kidding, but I think that moving on will preserve your self esteem," was what he decided to tell Link.
"Stay away from me," Volvagia hissed, moving away from Link.
"We're here for some cash," King Dodongo said, pulling out the ten Poe spirits.
"Very interesting, these are all Big Poes! Did you know that Poes are spirits of concentrated hatred? They hate everything, they are made of hatred! They-"
"Less yap more rupees," King Dodongo snapped, wanting his cash.
The Poe Salesman scoffed. "Young ones these days, no room for talking. Fine, here's your money. Ten spirits adds up to… five hundred rupees! Here you are! I'll also put 1000 points on your card. Once you reach 1000 points, you'll be very happy…" He paused for a moment. "And that's 1000 points, you're all genuine ghost hunters! I'm overstocked on Big Poes, so I guess I can't buy them from you anymore."
"FIVE… HUNDRED?! THAT'S IT?!"
"Of course not, you've got 1000 points! Take this." He tossed Link an empty bottle. "Use it to store things, they're surprisingly rare in the world."
King Dodongo roared, storming into the market to kill some ReDeads. Link enjoyed having the shiny bottle in his hands. Gohma started a conversation with the Poe Salesman.
"So how's the moving going?"
"Bah, I can't get a buyer for this place. No one seems to want a candlelit house in the zombie infested market square, though when I hear myself say that out loud I can see why."
Gohma nodded lightly. "Yeah, saying things out loud tends to show you how ridiculous they are. For instance, our group of idiots and monsters are going to take down the lord of all evil and his armies of undead and powerful minions all by ourselves with the help of several seemingly amnesiac sages and a ninja. To do so we must gather several medallions that serve no purpose other than to fill up the quest log to show what we've done so far and ransack ancient temples for new gear. We recruit the minions that we have defeated, proving that their power is inferior to our own, and yet bring them along anyway. When I say all that out loud, I know that we're a group of weirdoes," Gohma finished.
"Weirdoes indeed."
Link's head was stuck inside the bottle and he was running out of oxygen.
"The weirdest weirdoes I've ever seen."
Morpha was originally going to die post-Water Temple, but I've grown to like the bouncing little scamp.
