A/N:So, I know you guys probably thought that I had long since given up on this story (I had too!) but I got a sudden burst of inspiration, and went with it. Hope you all enjoy!
Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
Shawn stared at the empty hallway that Juliet had just stormed down. The wine in her glass coated his face in a slick, flimy, wet way. The tears in his eyes burned as they slid down his cheeks. She was gone, and it was his fault. He knew that. He knew that he should have told her the truth when he had the chance. Hell, he could have told her hundreds of different times, in a hundred different ways in the amount of time that had gone by.
Sure he had his reasons, but that didn't matter. Shawn grasped how Juliet felt. He understood where she was coming from. Had the shoe been on the other foot, he couldn't say he wouldn't have acted the exact same way. Did it make his chest hurt any less to understand? No, of course not. He loved Juliet, and not in just a we've been dating for a while so I feel obligated kind of way. He loved her in a I have to be with her kind of way.
"Shawn." Gus whispered as he approached.
Shawn barely remembered seeing Gus in the balcony when Juliet had stormed off, but he hadn't really processed the information. He jumped slightly at Gus' close proximity, before relaxing slightly.
"She's gone, Gus." Shawn whispered, trying to keep his voice as even as he could. There wasn't anything that Shawn hated worse than being vulnerable. Actually, scratch that, there was nothing that Shawn hated more than someone seeing him vulnerable.
"What happened?" Gus asked, skipping right over what Shawn had just muttered. Gus knew that Juliet was gone. He'd watched her leave. What Gus didn't know, was why she had left. The last he knew, the two of them were happy. They had just been dancing and flirting their way across the dance-floor.
Shawn turned his red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes on Gus, and let out a shuddering sigh. "She found out the truth."
Gus watched as the life literally drained from Shawn. His usually tanned face grew pale. His usually wide, expressive eyes drooped nearly closed. Shawn was exhausted, and not just from the fight that had happened with Juliet. Gus knew for a while now, that Shawn was growing further exhausted and exasperated at hiding the truth from Juliet. Shawn hadn't ever uttered a word about it, but Gus could see it in his eyes. He might be one of the best at hiding everything, including his feelings, but there was someone that Shawn couldn't hide anything from. Gus could read Shawn like a book, even if Shawn didn't want Gus too.
"Isn't that what you've been wanting?"
Shawn threw his hands up in frustration. "You're irritating, Gus. Can I not have some feelings to myself?" He shook his head, it wasn't Gus he was angry with. It was himself. Shawn knew that he had caused his own problems and it wasn't Gus' fault that he had screwed up the best thing that had happened to him. "Sorry." Shawn mumbled. "It's not your fault. It's mine. I should have opened up to Juliet sooner. I should have known this wouldn't have ended well."
Gus closed his eyes against the pressure building up in his own eyes. Sometimes, Gus really hated being a sympathetic crier, and right now was one of those times. Shawn needed someone to be strong for him, to help hold him up in his moment of need. "Did you explain it to her?"
Shawn shrugged, he was really tired all of a sudden and really just wanted to go home and sleep. The realization hit him as the words formed in his head. He didn't have a home to go to. His home was with Juliet. He had nowhere to go. Nowhere to stay. Tears flushed against his eyes, and at the moment he would have given anything to have been able to tear the damn things from their sockets. "Gus, can I stay with you … since I have nowhere else to stay?"
Realization rushed into Gus' eyes, as he shook his head. Like he would turn his best friend down right now. "Of course, Shawn. As long as you need."
"Thanks." Shawn's voice had grown monotone, as he shuffled off toward the exit.
All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day
Juliet woke the next morning, the intense burning sensation in her chest was still front in center. Anger bubbled up inside her, as she realized that she felt like crying all over again. She didn't understand how there could be any tears left to cry. She was fairly certain that she had cried all the tears she had the night before. The thing that made her the angriest though? Was the fact that no matter how much she wanted to hate him, and she really, really wanted to hate him, she didn't.
The whole saying, what a difference a day makes, only rang partially true for her. While with the light of a new day, Juliet was able to see things a little differently. She had do an emotionally draining run-through of her conversation with Shawn, more than once. While she realized how truly gifted Shawn was at lying, she had bought his lies – hook, line, and sinker, she could tell that he wasn't lying about how he felt about her.
Did that make her feeling any better about it all? Not really. Sure, it was nice to know that the past two years hadn't been a complete and total lie. It didn't change the fact that their relationship was formed on a lie, but not just any lie. It was a lie that could not only end up with Shawn in prison, but with Juliet losing her job. Obviously, she was going to keep his secret. No matter how angry … or not angry she was with Shawn, she would never want to see him in prison. That is, unless he actually did something wrong.
There was also the fact that she did believe that Lassiter had backed Shawn into a corner. She had seen it with her own eyes, just how menacing and coercing Lassiter could be when he tried really hard. Juliet honestly believed that Shawn did what he had to do to keep himself out of prison, but that didn't change the fact that he never told her. He just continued to lie to her. For seven damn years he had lied to her. Made her believe that he was psychic. She honestly felt like such a fool for believing him.
Her lips puckered up slightly, as a thought hit her. If he wasn't psychic then how in the hell was he able to know things that herself and Lassiter hadn't even figured out yet? She realized suddenly how truly talented and gifted Shawn was. Hell, he was good enough to be a cop – a detective. Then again, she knew that his police record was the only thing that stood between him and a badge.
Though she was certain that she wasn't anywhere near ready to do so, Juliet knew that she needed to see Shawn. If only, just to clear the air.
Everything is dark
It's more than you can take
But you catch a glimpse of sun light
Shining, shining down on your face
Shawn wiped the remaining sleep from his eyes, before sitting up. His face contorted, as pain rippled through-out his back. His muscles were sore and bunched up from crashing on Gus' couch. Standing up, Shawn stretched out his sore muscles, before bending backward until he heard an audible crack.
"Shawn, I've told you that isn't good on your back." Gus chastised him, as he sipped the rest of the coffee from his mug.
"Gus, it's the only thing that relieves the pressure. You know that." Shawn shrugged, "Besides, if it was going to hurt me, it would have done so by now."
Gus clicked his tongue at Shawn, "Well don't you come crying to me when you need to see a chiropractor for your back, Shawn."
Shawn rolled his eyes, "Wouldn't dream of it, Gussy." Shawn sighed at his half-hearted attempt, and noted that the attempt didn't slip past Gus either.
Tensing, Shawn waited for Gus to poke and prod at Shawn to spill his feelings, but when Gus simply shrugged his shoulders before slipping on his suit jacket, Shawn offered him a small smile. Shawn knew that he wasn't in the clear, far from it, but Gus was giving him a pass. Even Gus knew it was far too early in the morning to be spilling his emotions all over the place.
"If you need anything-" Gus paused, he knew he shouldn't finish the rest of his sentence. He could see all the idiotic things Shawn would and could call him for, but against his better judgment, Gus forced out the rest of his sentence. "Just give me a call, alright?"
Shawn merely shrugged half-heartedly, but Gus knew that Shawn had heard him loud and clear. In fact, Gus was fairly certain that Shawn was already plotting all the different ways he could talk Gus out of doing his job today.
Without a second glance, or another word, Gus slipped the door open and stepped outside. As soon as Shawn heard the door click close behind Gus, Shawn let out a shuddering sigh. It had taken every ounce of strength Shawn had to keep up the charade that everything was okay, and that what had happened the previous night wasn't bothering. Shawn knew that it shouldn't be bothering. Hell, in any other case, he would have already moved on to the next eligible … or even not eligible, woman. This time it was different, and Shawn had no idea how to fix what he had broken. Was it even fixable?
A light knock on the door tore Shawn from his internal reverie. He eyed the box of cereal that Shawn had pulled down in an effort to feed himself breakfast. Another knock sounded, and Shawn knew that breakfast would have to wait.
Walking carefully, Shawn figured that it was Gus. He either forgot something, or he had come back to force Shawn's feelings forward. Shawn sincerely prayed that it was option number one. Yanking the door open, with a retort already in mind, Shawn stood with his arm hanging loosely at his side. The retort died on his tongue, as he stared at a very disheveled Juliet.
"Uh-" Shawn blinked, realizing how utterly stupid he sounded, forced words from his mouth. "Come in."
Juliet offered a stiff nod, before walking past Shawn, and into Gus' small apartment. "We need to talk." She muttered before Shawn even had a chance to shut the door.
Well, there went the idea of burying any and all feelings until a later date. He turned around, not even trying to hide the sadness in his eyes, before he spoke. "Alright."
"Explain to me one thing, Shawn. How could you lie to me for seven years? How could you even think that was remotely okay?"
Shawn stood stiffly, trying to think of an answer that would suffice. Suddenly it clicked, and he knew the real reason why he hadn't told Juliet the truth. For the longest time Shawn had thought it was all selfish reasoning. To keep himself out of prison, but the reality hit him like a ton of bricks, and it felt like someone had hit him square in the stomach. "Because I couldn't stand the thought that you might lose your job – your career because of me. It didn't matter what you thought of me if you ever found out the truth, so long as you had plausible deniability."
Juliet took a step back, she looked like someone had slapped her in the face. Never once had Juliet thought that Shawn's reasoning was anything but selfish. She hadn't wanted to believe that he could be that selfish, but the thought had been there. Standing in front of him, hearing the words. It was like someone had gutted her right there. Her mouth bobbed open and closed a couple of times.
Shawn took the moment, to step forward, closer to Juliet. He was under no illusion that everything was okay, but he took the moment for what it was. She wasn't yelling, so she obviously wasn't angry. That didn't mean that he missed the hurt that shone in her eyes. Yet, he knew that he had to explain, at least he needed to explain better than he had the night before. He needed her to understand.
"Jules, please. Just, give me a another chance to explain. Please." Shawn could feel the familiar burning of tears pressing against the edge of his eyes. He let his eyes drift close, as he attempted to keep them at bay.
"Fine." She finally muttered, as she crossed her arms over her chest.
"I never, ever meant to hurt you. That was never my goal." Shawn chuckled self-deprecatingly. "I never meant to fall in love with you either. It was never part of our plan. There was only one part to the plan. Don't get caught. Chief Vick promised me on day one that if I was lying that she wouldn't even hesitate to cuff me and send me to prison. Which, in reality is all fine and well. My lying is technically breaking the law – impeding a police investigation, not to mention all the prisoners that would be released because of my lying. I get it, and I know that I've earned nothing else, but the right to spend time in jail. If it was only my life – my career at risk, then Juliet I would have come clean right from the start." Shawn sighed, before continuing. "But it's not just my life we're talking about here. Gus and my dad, they would both be implemented on aiding and abetting a criminal. I won't let them pay for my mistakes. And yeah, I know what I did was stupid – but it's my cross to bear. They shouldn't be punished because I felt like I was backed into a corner."
Juliet swallowed thickly before speaking, "That doesn't explain one thing, Shawn. Why did you keep it up? You didn't have to start Psych. You didn't have to keep pretending."
Shawn shrugged, "My entire life, Jules, my father has been cramming stuff into my head. Stuff that would make me a great cop. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps, and for a long while I wanted the same thing. When I was younger, I looked up to my dad so much. I didn't tell him, but he was a hero in my eyes. Then my parents divorced, and I blamed him and his job for it. After that I hated anything to do with cops or police work. Anytime he'd try to do one of his training exercises with me, I'd just shut him out. I think he finally realized after a while that I wouldn't follow in his footsteps, that's the only reason that I can think why he would so willingly ruin my chances at actually becoming a cop. I hated him after that, I didn't understand how your own father could have you arrested. I guess when I helped Lassie and Vick solve that first case, I just loved the feeling I got. No matter how much I might have despised the thought of becoming a cop, I had found a way to do police work without having to sell my soul, at least that's what I thought. I had found a way to be what my father wanted me to be, but on my own terms."
Juliet sighed, but nodded. It made perfect sense, which pissed Juliet off even more. She wanted to be angry with him, to hate him … and she couldn't do it. Who could after hearing a story like that?
"Look, Jules. I'm not expecting you to forgive me. I'm not stupid. I just … I wanted to clear the air. I wanted you to understand why I started this lie. Why I keep doing it. I understand if you turn me in, and I understand if you don't want me to accept anymore cases from the station."
Juliet's head fell into her hands for a moment, before she looked up at him. It was the first time she really looked at him, and she realized how badly he was hurting. His hazel eyes, usually so full of life, were dull … almost lifeless. His usually immaculate hair was tousled in every single direction. The skin beneath his eyes was purplish from lack of sleep, and red-rimmed from what she could only assume had been caused by crying.
Oh, you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh, you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Juliet tried with everything within herself to stop her forward motion. Her head screamed at her to stop, that he would only hurt her again, but her heart kept her feet moving forward. All she could see was the pain in his eyes, and how desirable his lips looked when they were pouted out. Throwing out the rest of her caution, Juliet wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his lips down to hers. In that moment, she hated herself for giving into the temptation.
She knew that she would pay for this, that Shawn would more than likely hurt her again. Though her brain kept screaming that her heart wouldn't be able to take anymore pain that Shawn Spencer caused, she couldn't deny how good it felt to his arms wound around her waist. The feel of his lips moving in sync with her own. The way his tongue dove between her pursed lips, and the way his tongue tasted, battling with her own for dominance.
Common sense be damned, she needed him just as badly as he needed her. It was like she craved his light, almost feathery touch. Still, she knew that he would think that this was her way of forgiving him, and she wasn't sure that forgiveness had been reached, at least not yet. Obviously they were on their way to mending, but they were still a long way from total forgiveness. Fighting against every ounce of herself that told her to mold her body to fit his, Juliet pulled back.
"Shawn." She whispered huskily, as she stared up into his hazel eyes. A tiny amount of the usual light that shone in his eyes had reappeared with her fevered kissing. Her heart skipped a beat, as the breath caught in her chest. They could talk about what this meant later. Right now, she just needed to be near him. Touching him. Kissing him. "Kiss me." She mumbled, before crashing her lips into his again.
It wasn't long before Shawn's mouth disappeared from her's, causing Juliet to whimper. His mouth moved to her jaw and down her neck. His hands slipped up underneath the shirt that she was wearing, as she brought his lips back up to her own. Before she pressed her lips against his, she made everything clear. "This doesn't mean that we're all better." She whispered, while eying him hungrily.
"Understood." Shawn answered, before gripping her waist and lifting her up.
Juliet's legs swung around Shawn's hips as he carried them toward the couch. It wasn't forgiveness, it was however a testament to how much they loved each other … how much they needed each other, and Shawn was fairly certain that he was well on the road to forgiveness.
