Thanks so much for all the feedback! I'm leaving on Friday, so I'm going to try to have this fic finished by then, since I don't know how often I'm going to be able to write once I'm at uni… So I hope you enjoy and please don't be shy – tell me what you think!

I own nothing.


CHAPTER 29

It's over an hour later when Addison finally crawls into bed, allowing the tears to fall. She stares at the photo, the day playing over and over in her mind… she stares at the words on the back, remembering a dorm room, bad food and beer… Her and Derek, holding each other closely, giggling while writing the poem.

Everything was so simple.

So easy.

Everything was so right. Until it wasn't anymore.

She sighs, turning around, the photo still pressed to her body, waiting for sleep to come.


Derek yawns, rubbing his eyes. He'd decided against going back to the trailer and getting some sleep. Instead, he just started driving aimlessly until he reached a farm. He just knew that it was the right place and he walked to the door, waiting for the farmer to answer it.

He didn't need to explain much to the sympathetic looking man. He just said that he needed some space and… the man gave him one look and invited him in. Three beers and two hours later, Derek was sitting in his tent, staring at the water in front of him. Addison. Meredith. Meredith. Addison.

Addison was his kryptonite. She was his past… the first woman he ever loved. She was his life.

Meredith was his saviour. She was refreshing and different and she made him McDreamy.

With Addison he was Derek. He could be himself and that was something he hadn't found with Meredith yet… and he didn't know if he ever would.

But he'd wronged both of them so badly…

He lied to Meredith about being married… he made her the dirty mistress.

He ignored Addison. He hurt Addison. He betrayed Addison… he…

A wave of nausea suddenly rushes over him and he has to rest his head on his knees for a few seconds, waiting for it to pass.

Addison had forgiven him for hitting her. She knew it was an accident and she'd forgiven him. But he couldn't forgive himself… He didn't know if he ever would.

Derek frowns, slowly realising that this was possibly the only reason why he didn't want to pursue her again.

Guilt kept him from telling her that he wanted her back and…

Derek frowns when he hears a soft sound outside, immediately getting out of his tent, staring at the tall figure in the dark silently.

"Derek?"

"Mark?"

Mark grimaces, sitting down on the ground.

"The farmer… told me that someone else was here. I didn't realise…"

"What are you doing here?"

"I need to get away. What are you doing here?"

"I need space."

Derek sits down next to Mark and they stare at the stars for a long time before Mark speaks.

"Addison dumped me."

"I'm still in love with her."

They sigh, staring at the stars again.

"Why did you hit her?"

"It was an accident. I was fighting with Michael and she tried pulling me off and I pushed her back…"

"Oh."

"It was an accident and she's forgiven me. But I can't forgive myself."

"If it was an accident… you should."

"Why did you sleep with her?"

"Because you didn't."

"Mark."

Mark sighs, staring at the ground.

"That night… she was going through hell after Ashley was born and… she thought you didn't want her anymore. So when your mom offered to watch the kids, Addie prepared dinner for you and her… she dressed up in this amazing black dress and she waited."

"And I didn't go."

"You had surgery. And I went to tell her that you wouldn't make it. When I got there she was sitting on the kitchen floor, holding a knife to her palms."

"WHAT?"
Derek stares at Mark in shock and Mark sighs, nodding.

"I grabbed it, threw it away and… I kissed her. I didn't think she'd kiss me back, but she did and…"
"I don't need to hear more."

"She stayed with me after you left. I made her go into therapy and I… convinced myself that she loved me. But she never did."
"Mark…"

"I'm sorry, Derek."
Derek bites on his lip, hesitating for a second, but finally deciding to answer the question that's been bugging him.

"When you… did she… with you?"

Mark smirks, looking at Derek.

"Yes. I'm Mark Sloan. I'm a sex-god. Of course she did."
"Oh."

"She called your name Derek."

Derek swings his head to Mark quickly, twitching a muscle in his neck. He frowns, rubbing his neck while staring at Mark.

"She did?"

"Yeah. And I… pretended that it would pass. I pretended that it would stop. And every time she called your name during sex… or muttered it in her sleep… I pretended that I was doing the right thing. That sooner or later… she'd start loving me. But she never did."

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not."

Derek smiles slightly.

"You're right. I'm not."

"So Meredith?"

Derek sighs, shaking his head.

"That's what I'm here to figure out."

"Seriously?"

"I don't want to hurt Meredith… and I've already hurt Addie so much… I don't… I love them both, Mark. Or at least… I care about them both. Everything is so much easier with Meredith… I don't want to hurt Addie again."

Mark slowly nods and Derek stands up.

"Do you want a beer?"

"Ya… that'd be great."

Derek nods, reaching into his tent and handing Mark a beer before sitting down. They drink in silence for a while before Mark suddenly speaks.

"What would you do… if you return to Seattle tomorrow and you hear Meredith is dead?"

"I… I'd be devastated. I'd… cry and scream and… be devastated."

Mark nods slowly, looking at Derek earnestly.

"What would you do… if you went back to Seattle tomorrow and… find out that Addison is dead?"

"I can't…"

"What would you do, D?"

Derek closes his eyes, thinking for a minute.

"I'd… die. I can't… imagine not having her in my life…"

Mark nods, smiling sadly.

"Do you want my two cents?"

"Yeah…"

"You like Meredith. She makes you feel like McDreamy, she's hot, she's young, she's sweet… it's an ego boost to have a young little thing pining after you. And then… there's Addison. Addie, who knows you better than anyone else. Addie, who – after everything – is still the love of your life."

Derek frowns, staring at Mark.
"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Well… helping me. I mean… why aren't you convincing me that I really love Meredith so you can have Addison?"

Mark sighs, turning the beer bottle around in his hands.

"Because I… Because I love her so much that I just… really want her to be happy."

Derek sighs, shaking his head.

"I don't deserve her. Addison deserves someone… better. Someone like… I can't believe I'm going to say this, but… someone like you."

Mark laughs sadly.

"Yeah. In a perfect world… Addie and I would be together and… You're right, D. You don't deserve her. I'm actually the better guy and… she should be with me. But she loves you. Unfair as that is."

Derek frowns, looking at Mark.

"She loves me? I mean… you really think she still loves me after everything I've done?"
"I know she still loves you, Derek. It doesn't mean she's going to take you back just like that because… you were an ass. You're going to have to walk to hell and back to get her to even consider giving you another chance. But if it's worth it…"

"It is."

Mark nods, glancing at Derek.
"Well… good luck then."

"Mark…"

"I know."

They sigh, still sitting next to each other and Derek glances over at Mark's tent, which is still in the bag.
"My tent… it's actually big enough for two people if you…"

"Thanks."

"Anytime. And thanks for…"

"Hey. You're Derek and Addison. You're my family."