Chapter 28: Limits of Existence
Enjoy!
~PanHopeNvs
One Year Later…
An indigo iris drew near to the lens of a microscope. The pupil dilated as it stared unblinkingly through the lens for several seconds. The sound of a buzz-like ringing caused the eyeball to dart to the side for an instant before gazing back into the eyepiece. Finally, midnight-blue lashes blinked rapidly as the eye pulled away from the apparatus.
"It works," she whispered to herself. "This time it really works." Grabbing her notebook, she began to furiously scribble a note.
Marron,
Senzu Bean extract synthesized into serum 7.0 successfully heals damaged human tissue in under five seconds. Please send these samples and the formula to mom for clinical trials. Say it's from Pan and Bra.
Para
Ripping the page out of the notebook, she grabbed a few vials of the liquid which were scattered around on the table. She rushed out of the tiny laboratory, before remembering that she had forgotten to turn the light off.
Para paused, allowing her tail to flick backwards and hit the light switch.
She had accomplished much in the past year of solitude, and growing a tail was one of the few real challenges she'd faced. It had taken her about four months of after-training hours to develop the necessary technology, and another two months to implement the therapy. Regardless of what science and research she pursued, Para always prioritized training. She spent six hours in the morning training her mind through meditation à la Piccolo, and another six hours in the evening training her body. The hours before, in-between, and after these training sessions were rationed for the precious purposes of science and sleep.
Para did not like sleeping.
Moving into her living room, she picked up the phone which connected to her doorbell-buzzer. "Hello?" she answered as she stuffed the vials and note into an envelope.
"Miss Brieson, it's Jóhann here."
The sound of another human voice. A male voice. She closed her voice briefly at the simple pleasure. "Come in," she said, quickly punching a code into the phone. Lifting the envelope to her lips, she licked the seal and pressed it shut. Para began to pace back and forth before the sofa in her living room as her visitor entered her front door and made his way deeper into the house. She wrapped her tail around her waist like a fuzzy brown belt, listening to his footsteps and the sound of trolley wheels echoing in her hallways. Finally, the door swung open and a large, muscular blonde man arrived, pushing a cart of prepackaged meals.
Para almost jumped on the shipment of MREs. Rushing forward, she placed her own envelope on top of the boxes before using her fingernails to rip open a carton and tear open one of the plastic packages inside. She poured the contents into her mouth hungrily, not caring that the blonde man was staring at her curiously. Once there was something in her stomach, she turned on the man furiously.
"Jóhann, what took you so long? You're three days late!"
"Very sorry, Miss Brieson. Big blizzard in city. No roads cleared. Could not get out of Reykjavik until this morning. Even so my truck went sliding off the roads into a ditch at least three times on my drive up here. I had to dig myself out of the damned snowbanks."
"I've been so hungry," Para said as she ripped open another package and began to eat. "I hope you brought extra."
"Of course, Miss Brieson. Very sorry. May I warm my hands by the fire?"
"Sure," she mumbled, her mouth full of food. She continued to eat as the man moved over to her electric fireplace and extended his large burly hands, removing his woolen mittens.
Para couldn't believe how hungry she was. Of course, she was a saiyan—it should not have been surprising. But being so alone in the middle of nowhere, so deprived of contact with her usual delicacies and comforts, made food taste even more amazing than usual. She had not left the house in an entire year. The moment she stepped outside, her power level would be detected and she would be unable to hide from the anger of her friends and family. Especially Goten. However, while she was within the walls of the distant little cottage, she was protected by her ki-concealing paint. She needed to remain in hiding for as long as it was necessary. Until she was needed.
"Miss Brieson, I am sorry to impose," came a masculine voice from across the room. "It is still storming outside and very cold—it is several hours back to the city and it will be dark soon. Do you think I could stay the night?"
Para's head snapped away from the packets of food she was hungrily consuming to look at the man who had delivered them. For the first time, she seemed to notice his physique. Jóhann was tall and muscular, and even somewhat handsome. His Scandinavian features were chiseled and appealing, and his blonde hair and blue eyes reminded her vaguely of Trunks when he was Super Saiyan.
"I have a bottle of wine in the car," Jóhann suggested. "We could share a drink by the fire and get to know each other a little better."
This sounded mightily tempting. Para hadn't been around a man since she had left Goten, and part of her yearned to have some kind of small intimacy with another human being. Conversation would be nice. Very nice. He was a complete stranger on the other side of the planet; she could potentially tell him everything—well, almost everything—and hear the honest opinions of an outsider.
"You like this idea, yes?" he said hopefully. He began moving out of the room, presumably to get the bottle of wine. "I will be back soon with libations."
"Wait," Para said, moving swiftly to block his exit, placing her palm against his shoulder. "No, I don't think…"
"I will not do anything to make you uncomfortable," Jóhann promised, reaching up to clasp her hand. "I will sleep on couch tonight."
She hesitated, glancing over at the couch. It would be nice to have some company. Then, unbidden, his thoughts began to seep into her mind. She saw steamy images of them together on the couch, with wine glasses discarded on the coffee table. She saw a blanket wrapped around her waist as she straddled his naked body, moaning in abandon. I would not sound like that, she thought defensively. At any rate, she was grateful that she could see his line of thinking.
"I'm sorry to kick you out into the snowstorm," she said sternly, "but you need to go."
"But, Miss Brieson, my car is old and…"
"Any girl, anywhere, would be thrilled to have such an offer. Any girl but me. I'm too fucked up to be fucked, Jóhann. I mean it. If I lose any more screws I will go bananas, explode, and toast this place to cinders."
"This place? Iceland?" he asked with concern, eyeing the military-grade food supplies. He had long suspected that the secretive girl was some kind of governmental spy.
"Yeah, right. Iceland," she said, rolling her eyes. "I could sink this country with a sneeze. No one cares about Iceland."
"Then why are you here?" he asked with a patriotic frown.
"Because no one cares about Iceland," she answered as though it were the most obvious reason in the world. She suddenly remembered her envelope and grabbed it from on top of the pile of boxes, stretching her arm out to him. "Please mail this off to Marron for me when you get back to town. It's important."
"It's always important with you."
"That's right," she said sweetly, reaching into her pocket and pulling out some bills of Icelandic króna. "That's why I give such generous tips. Please make sure this gets safely to Japan—and don't be late with my shipments again!"
"I'll bring your food on time next month," he promised. "Although I don't know how a little girl like you can eat enough for ten men."
"That's really none of your concern," she said with a frown. "Although, if you keep asking questions, being late with my supplies, and trying to sleep with me, finding new employment will be your primary concern."
Jóhann grew suddenly pale. "Very sorry, miss. Will not bother you anymore. I have a wife and children at home and I need this job."
"You have a… get out of here!" Para shouted. When he left, plunging the house into silence, she suddenly regretted not letting him stay the night. She would not see another human being for an entire month; not until she ran out of food again. Usually when her shipment arrived she was excited to check the boxes to see if Marron had sent her anything extra. Sometimes she got photographs of Marron's kids, or group photos of her friends and family at a gathering. This time, she felt so empty that she did not even want to see the news from home. She sighed, moving over to her fireplace and extending her own fingers.
"Get a grip," she told herself. "No time for boys, Para. You've gotta train."
Sitting cross-legged in her training-room, Para opened her eyes. She looked down at her watch, which used to measure the limits of her existence. Now, it measured how long she could continue meditating.
"Six days," she whispered, seeing that the clock measured 150 hours and 48 minutes. She usually rounded down to try and push herself harder. "Definitely not my best. I can do better." Taking a deep breath, Para closed her eyes again, intending to plunge herself back into a deep meditation. She was almost beyond herself, almost in the world where she could examine and fortify the roots of her power, when a small voice inside her began to pull her back to her body.
Relax, the voice said softly. You deserve a break. Relax, Para.
She opened one eye skeptically. "But do I really? I am not even half as strong as I need to be. I can't even go Super Saiyan 4 yet, and if I can't do that, growing this tail was useless!"
Relax, Para. You've done all you can.
"I can do more," she assured the voice angrily. "I can do much more if I just keep pushing myself."
You've done so much. Developed a special medicine with your knowledge of medicine and technology. Grown yourself a tail, allowing you to tap into your natural saiyan powers and increase your strength tenfold. Spent dozens of weeks deep in meditation to hone your spiritual abilities. It's more than one woman can ask of herself!
"I'm not one woman," Para reminded the voice in her head. "And I've done so many bad things that I need to make sure my good things are more than enough to make up for it. At least to appease my own conscience."
As you wish. As you see fit. It is your life.
With that, Para closed her eyes and returned to meditating. The truth was that even though she had done so much in this one long year of loneliness, it had been enjoyable for the most part. All of her labors exercised her strengths and passions. She enjoyed working in the lab. She enjoyed experimenting on herself and trying to cause a tail to grow out of her ass—or technically, her coccyx. (In her research, she had found that even some humans were born with a vestigial tail. All human embryos had a tail for a few weeks during development, and even though she was a human-saiyan hybrid, her human genetics should be largely compatible with supporting a tail growing out of her bone structure.) And most of all, she enjoyed training and meditating.
She was in a good place.
The moments in between her activities were sometimes difficult, but she never allowed herself much time to think or rest. She knew that she couldn't think about the past or face her memories, so she clung fast to her routine and her goals, and didn't allow herself to take a breather. She focused on getting through each day, and getting to the next with some sort of small accomplishment.
Sometimes she felt sad, and sometimes she felt triumphant. But most importantly, she was beginning to feel a sense of peacefulness. She was beginning to appreciate her peace, for she knew it could not last forever. It never did.
Goten couldn't sleep. He was lying on the roof of his mother's house at Mt. Paozu and smoking a cigarette. A whole pack, really. It had seemed natural to take it up again after his atrocious break up with Para.
"That's karma," Chi-Chi had said over dinner. "You can't treat someone that way and not expect someone to treat you the same way someday."
"I don't want to talk about it, Mom!" he had snapped. "Please stop bringing Para into our conversations."
"Para?" Chi-Chi had commented in surprise.
"Yeah," Goten said as he sipped his soup. "That was her real name."
"Mercy me," Chi-Chi had whispered thoughtfully. "So her name was Para."
"I don't want to hear about her! I don't want to hear her name!"
"Don't you think it's been long enough that we can talk about it?" Chi-Chi asked gently. "It's been a year, honey."
"I can't—I just can't." The spoon was bending under Goten's grip. "What she did to me—I can't."
"I see. Well, we don't have to talk about that. We can keep pushing the important subjects under the rug like most families. We can keep ignoring the painful lessons that have hurt us for the purpose of allowing us to learn and grow."
"Exactly."
Chi-Chi released a gentle sigh. "So, what do you think of the turnip soup?"
Goten polished off the last few drops at the bottom of his bowl before answering. "It's awesome as usual, Mom."
"Yes, well, that's fine." Chi-Chi wiped her hands on her napkin and rose from the table. "Do you mind doing the dishes tonight? I think I should retire early."
"No problem," he said with surprise. "Is everything okay, Mom?"
"Sure," she answered with a smile, "but washing a little boy's dirty dishes can get tiring after forty years. I could use some rest."
"I'm sorry," Goten said, picking up the plates carefully. He blushed. "I'll try to help out around the house a little more."
"You always say that, don't you?" Chi-Chi mused. She stood for a moment and watched as Goten made several trips carrying dishes to the sink. "Honey, you do know that I love you, right?"
He paused in confusion. "What, Mom? Of course."
Chi-Chi nodded and lowered her eyes to the floor. "I just wanted to make sure. I want you to know that no matter what, regardless of what you did and what you didn't do, I love you dearly."
"I love you too, Mom," Goten said in confusion as he balanced two arms filled with dishes.
"You're my son, and you've always been here for me, even when I pushed you away. Being here was more than most of the men in this family could manage to do. So thank you."
Goten frowned. "Mom?"
Chi-Chi smiled sadly as she moved from the room. "Goodnight, dear."
Now, as Goten laid atop the roof with a cigarette poised between his fingers, watching the starlight over the mountains, it occurred to him that he really hadn't done dishes in as long as he could remember. He had been awkward with the sponge and he had poured far too much soap, causing the sink to fill up with bubbles. If his mother hadn't been doing his dishes, Para or Bra had done them. There had never been a need for him to get his hands dirty with the soapy dishwater.
That's almost ironic, he thought to himself, considering how much I eat. I don't think I've ever done laundry either. I guess I always just took for granted that they were women's duties. He puffed thoughtfully on his cigarette. Maybe that's why Para left me. Because I was so fucking useless.
Pointing his finger up at a particularly bright star, Goten released a ki ball into the night sky. He knew that it would never reach its destination, but he felt the inexplicable urge to make a wish on the shooting star of his own creation. I want Para back, he begged the night sky. Please let her come back to me. I don't know what I did wrong, but I can change. I'll even do her dishes and laundry. I really mean it.
A distant crash alerted Goten's sensitive saiyan hearing and he sat up on the roof. His ears strained to hear more, and he managed to make out a muffled sob. Allowing the cigarette to fall from his fingers and tumble across the roof, Goten flew rapidly down into the house, following the sound of his mother's gasps.
"Mom!" he shouted when he saw her fallen body. She was lying on the floor in the corridor, with a shattered picture frame not far away from her outstretched hand. The framed photograph depicted a young Chi-Chi in her wedding dress beside Goku in a white tuxedo—the blushing bride was resting her head against his shoulder and smiling up at him happily. There was a garland of white flowers in her hair, a strand of pearls around her neck, and none of the wrinkles that time had carved into the face of the woman lying on the ground beside the picture frame. Goten swallowed as he swept the glass away from her fingers. "Mom, what happened?"
"I just tripped," Chi-Chi said, but there were dried tears on her cheeks. "I just…"
Goten then realized that his mother was too weak to get back to bed. His heart sank at this knowledge, but he gently reached out and lifted her off the ground. She was bony and light as a feather as he rose to his feet, moving carefully back to her room to deposit her onto her bed.
"My picture," she whispered, reaching out desperately. "Please get me that picture, Goten."
Obediently moving back to the hallway, Goten picked up the photograph that had fallen from the wall. He brushed out a few pieces of glass before gazing down sadly at his parents. He moved back to his mother's side, handing her the frame.
She took it with trembling hands, looking at it for a moment before clutching it to her chest. "I want to see him again. Do you think I'll see him again?"
"I hope we all will, someday," Goten admitted sadly.
"I deserve that much, don't I?" Chi-Chi asked. "For being the woman behind the man, and all that? Surely I contributed something. Surely I helped out in some way."
"He couldn't have done any of it without you, Mom."
Chi-Chi laughed lightly at this. "Oh, I was useless to him. An inconvenience. I probably held him back from doing more. No, honey, Goku was never mine. He belonged to the world."
"Don't say that, Mom. You're talking crazy."
"He never had any desire for family," she mused softly. "I forced it on him. I forced a lot of things on a lot of people. You were the only one that could never be forced, Goten. You're like him. You're so much like him."
Goten could not respond, for he was afraid of the glazed-over look in his mother's eyes. She seemed to be looking directly through him, to some distant world he could not see.
"There are some earrings in that drawer," Chi-Chi said weakly, gesturing to her nightstand. "For Panny. Tell her that she should always follow her heart."
"You'll tell her yourself, Mom."
"Please, Goten. Tell your brother that he's a good boy. Tell Gohan that I'm proud of him. I might not always show it, but no mother ever had more reasons to be proud of her son. And tell Videl that she was the daughter I never had. Tell her thanks for taking care of me and…"
"What are you saying? Stop this, Mom!" Goten was beginning to grow upset. "Are you not feeling well? Should I get a doctor?" He looked around helplessly, unsure of what to do.
Chi-Chi just clasped her photograph against her chest more tightly. "I feel wonderful, honey. Do I look okay?" Her dark eyes shone as she stared up at the ceiling tearfully. "I want to look nice when I see him again. I know he hasn't changed a bit. He never changes."
Something's wrong.
Para's fingers twitched as the voice inside her head tried to disturb her meditation.
Wake up, Para. Come back down.
She inhaled sharply through her nose, trying to block out the annoying voice and focus on her ki.
You're needed.
Her eyes finally shot open, and she glanced down at her watch in disappointment. "Only thirty minutes this time?" she said in surprise. "That's pathetic." Still, a shiver ran through her shoulders at the uncanny amount of time. She felt like it had been much longer. Picking herself off the ground, she allowed a yawn to escape her lips. "I'm just tired," she reasoned as she tried to shake away the stiffness in her body from being seated in the same position for long hours. "Tired of concentrating so hard." She took herself into her bedroom and plopped down on the side of her bed. Reaching up to slip her hands under the fabric at the neck of her orange training gi, she rubbed her sore shoulders. She considered changing into a nightgown or pajamas, instead of sleeping in her tattered and sweaty gi, but she was too exhausted. Para allowed her body to collapse on the bed and she exhaled blissfully at the surrender of impending slumber.
There's something wrong.
She groaned and lifted herself off the bed, rubbing both of her hands in her hair. Damn that voice! She yanked her body off the bed and began pacing back and forth across the floor. Her spirit was antsy and unsettled, even more than usual. With a frustrated growl, she moved over to her bedroom mirror. Sometimes when she was feeling frustrated or lost, she liked to stare into mirrors for a few minutes to remind herself of who she was—and why she was. She sometimes uttered mental mantras, but she could not think of any to soothe herself at the moment. Wrapping her arms around herself, Para tried not to acknowledge her debilitating loneliness.
How could she be lonely? She was two people.
For some reason, her thoughts drifted to Zvarin. Does he feel as alone as I do? If he's made from a hundred men, surely some of them had lovers and wives. Did they forsake them in order to be joined with him? Did that love become diminished because of the fusion? A hundred times less love? One hundredth of the love? Is that the way it works? Poor Zvarin. But it didn't work that way for me, did it? My love for Goten and Trunks was multiplied. There is some sort of precise mathematical equation to explain my situation; some kind of emotional accounting algorithm.
One dad x2 = 2 dads.
One mom x2 = 2 moms.
One brother/2 = half a brother?
One uncle/2 = half an uncle?
Two lovers x crap = more crap.
Friends, grandma, grandpa, pet robot;
Everything I had x 30 minutes
= 0
Zero. That seems about right. If I carry the three and subtract the everything. It's those thirty minutes that ruined my life, not everything that happened before. I did it all on my own.
These arbitrary equations and other similarly foolish calculations often danced across Para's mind. Sometimes she could not remember what she had intended to gain from being a fused being. Strength? Sure. Justice? Sure. But nothing else. Nothing else.
Nothing that could keep her warm at night. Nothing that could fill the emptiness in the bottom of the widening chasm at her core.
Para tightened her grip on her own shoulders as she glared at her reflection. She knew she would feel a little better once she got some sleep. When her thoughts grew dismal and restless after being awake for long hours, she usually felt magically better upon waking up in the morning. Carrying herself back across the room, she rubbed her hands up and down over her biceps, as though she was trying to warm herself up; as though hugging herself would ease the sadness of isolation away. She sometimes wondered if she ever really had been two people. It seemed unreal. Pan and Bra were just concepts—just fables of people that could have existed. They were her own private creation myth, but no more than a myth. She felt like she had always been Para.
As she nestled herself down into bed, she wondered if she would ever attempt to cut herself in half again. What would she be? Less. Less of a woman. Less of a human. Less of a saiyan. Less of a fighter. Less of a scientist. Just... less. This was the final gloomy notion which clouded her thoughts before sleep began to tug her down and away, into a different world.
Para! You're needed.
She released a loud whimper, reaching up to slap herself in the forehead "Who are you? What do you want?" she asked the voice in frustration.
Come home. Please. We need you here.
"There are no big energy signals. No one is fighting. Nothing is happening at home," Para said out loud, pressing her hands over her eyes. "I don't know what the hell I could possibly be needed for…"
Para froze. She sat up slowly in bed, letting her eyes dart around the room frantically. Something was wrong. She tried to sense the ki levels of everyone she knew, and she could not sense anything suspicious, but—she found herself bolting out of bed and moving over to her dresser. She pulled out her top drawer, where she kept three cell phones. Para's own phone was in the center while Pan and Bra's were on either side. She made sure that she used a scrambler so that the phones would not betray her identity. The phones were kept on silent so that they would not disturb her, but she did keep them plugged in and charged up in case of emergency.
From the looks of things, there had been an emergency.
22 missed calls from Goten. 10 missed calls from Trunks. 35 missed calls from Gohan. She had received hundreds of text messages from her friends and family members over the course of the year. Some she had read while most were left unread, but she had not received many calls. In fact, one of her phones was currently ringing. It was Pan's phone and she hesitantly reached out to pick up the small rectangle. She knew that the moment she answered the phone, she would expose herself to being hurt again. But what terrified her more was the thought that someone else was hurt and that she could potentially help. She gazed down at Goten's photo on her phone, feeling fear eat away at her insides.
Slowly, she raised the phone to her ear, knowing that her voice would be transmitted as Pan's.
"Hello?" she answered quietly, praying for fate to be gentle.
It was not Goten's voice that came through the phone, but Videl's stern reprimand:
"I don't know where the hell you are or what the hell your problem is, young lady! And I don't care either. You need to get to Mt. Paozu right now."
"Mom?" Para said in surprise.
Videl's voice suddenly cracked and the tough-as-nails woman released something of a sob. "Panny, please. Come home. It's your grandmother. She's dead."
Para had not noticed that she had slid down to sit on the ground, with the phone still held suspended in her hand. She reminded herself to blink. Then she reminded herself to breathe. Her mother had said many words, most of which had jumbled together in a nonsensical blob of distorted audio. From what she had managed to gather, a wake was currently being held at the Son home. Her whole family was gathered there, and they hoped she could make it to the event to look upon Chi-Chi's face one final time.
"Grandma?" Para repeated to herself softly. The news had yet to be fully processed in her mind, and she had difficulty believing its truth. She found herself sensing for her grandmother's energy signal, only to be met with an absence. She slammed her hand on the carpeted ground, trying again and again to sense for the woman's ki. "It's a lie," she said firmly. "It's a ploy to get me home. Grandma wasn't even sick. It's a trick. It's all a trick."
She gulped down these words, tasting her own fear on the syllables. Her hand moved down to her thigh, and she tried to pinch the flesh just above her knee. Finding not enough skin or fat there, she moved her hand up to her ear and pinched the sensitive folds between her thumb and forefinger. "Please. It's a nightmare. Just one of my many dreams about my family—my subconscious mind worries about these things. Please. I want to wake up now. Maybe I fell asleep while meditating. That's really amateur, Para." Her ear was beginning to hurt, and she was sure she could use that pain to take her back to the waking world.
"Wake up," she chanted as she pinched herself. When this failed, she pounded her fist into the ground again and ordered herself, "Wake up!" Of course, nothing happened. Sitting in silence for a few minutes, Para began to realize the truth of the matter.
Look upon your grandmother's face one final time.
"Oh my god," she said simply. "Dende, this is real?" Closing her eyes, she found herself tugging the katchin rings off her index fingers. She removed her bracelets as well, and adjusted her seating position so she could reach her anklets. She quickly undid all of her jewelry, until she reached her katchin necklace. Para hesitated briefly, afraid of the affect that this would have on her body.
She had not separated in over two years. From the moment this jewelry had been placed on her body, she had been unable to exist separately as Pan or Bra. Now, it was necessary. Her hands struggled with the clasp of the necklace as Para fought the panic attack in her chest.
She had spent six months with Trunks. Six months with Goten. One year training alone. She did not know if she knew how to be her respective selves anymore. She had not been prepared for this.
"Don't be a wimp," Para told herself angrily as her fingers seemed to refuse to undo the necklace. "You need to divide. Come on, Para!" With a burst of purpose, she ripped the necklace from her neck.
There was a blinding flash, similar to an explosion, and Pan and Bra went flying away from the center of the light. Pan found herself crashing into their wooden furniture while Bra had a luckier landing on the soft mattress before tumbling off the bed. Pan lay limply for several seconds, her head spinning as she saw stars dancing about the room. She felt like she was underwater, and someone was shining rainbow-colored lights through the cloudy waves.
"God, Pan," Bra managed to choke out. "I think I'm going to throw up. My body—there's too much pain. I feel like I've been turned inside out. We need to fuse again now!"
Pan seized her ears as a ringing in her head began to overshadow her friend's voice. She had many of the same feelings, but she knew she had to fight through them. It's my grandma, she told Bra telepathically. I have to go. Will you come with me?
"Give me a few minutes to get my bearings. I don't think I can stand up right now," Bra said with a frown as she tried to use the bed to pull herself off the ground and ended up falling again. "Good Dende, I feel like I'm drunk and on weed, crack cocaine, and heroin all at the same time."
"I need to go now," Pan said sharply. "If you can't pull yourself together…"
"For Dende's sake! Just go without me. We can't show up wearing the same outfit anyway, torn in all the same places." Bra waved her hand as if shooing Pan away. "Go. I'll follow in a few minutes with better clothes."
"Not even yourself for a minute and you already want to change your clothes," Pan commented. Then her brow creased in surprise. "Wait, so you're going to fly from Iceland to Japan?"
"I have been you for two years and you think I don't know Instant Transmission?"
"Good point." Pan was raising two fingers to her forehead when Bra reached out and grabbed her wrist.
Piercing blue eyes glared at her. "Seriously, girlfriend. Once this wake is over, we need to meet back here and fuse up again. I feel like I'm going to die if I go another minute in this shitty body."
Pan nodded. "It's hurting me too. I don't think we can stay un-fused for very long, but I need to do this now. I'll bear the pain for a few minutes." Driving her fingers into her forehead, Pan sent her body materializing across Europe and Asia, and directly to her childhood home where all her friends and family were gathered. The dizziness that she felt caused her to grab the nearest object for support, and that happened to be a doorframe.
Everyone in the room was speaking in hushed tones among themselves, so it was a moment before anyone noticed her. The first person to lock eyes with her had a piercing blue gaze identical to Bra's. Seeing Trunks again was like a dagger to the heart, and she found herself stumbling backwards in terror. He reached out and grabbed her shoulders to steady her.
"Panny," he said softly. His eyes stayed locked with hers for nothing short of an eternity, but soon they began to travel down to her damaged gi. "You were training?"
She nodded briefly, unable to speak. He was wearing a formal black suit, and his lavender hair was slicked back with gel. She could not begin to try communicating with him, so she pulled herself away from Trunks and moved into the Son home, feeling suddenly very small and very afraid. After the magnitude of the fight between Trunks and Goten, she knew that it would have taken nothing short of a tragedy to bring them into the same room. She felt tremors creep into her hands and arms, and wondered if the shaking was emotionally induced or physiological, due to the fusion-break.
She stared at the various people in the room through eyes that were clouded with a foggy mist. She recognized Vegeta and Bulma walking together. Bulma was pressing her face into her handkerchief as Vegeta consoled her. Pan squinted, for as the couple moved aside, she could see the coffin become visible. She could see the body laid out in the coffin. Her heart skipped a beat.
The pale skin of Chi-Chi's serene face was visible through the crowd, her dark hair spread out all around her face. Even at her age, her hair was only barely touched by traces of silver. The expression on her face was beautiful and chilling at the same time. She looked happy. Pan found herself weaving between her family members, blinking away tears as she passed her mother, father, and Hercule Satan on her way to the coffin. She thought she noticed a flash of blonde hair from the corner of her eye that could have been Marron or Android 18, but she was in too much of a daze to process anything other than the dreadful scene in her direct line of sight.
"No," Pan blurted out as she moved forward. "No." Her fingers extended to rest on the cold metal edge of the coffin as she beheld the woman inside. She reached out gingerly, with one final fleeting hope that this was some kind of trick. When her hand connected with her grandmother's cheek, the skin was cold and lifeless. There was no ki inside the body. "Grandma…" Pan felt her tears spill over her eyelashes.
Chi-Chi had lived a full and amazing life, she reminded herself. It did not stop her tears, but it somehow helped to keep her insides from tearing apart. This woman had been loved and respected by her children and grandchildren. She had built a home; she had been the matriarch of a solid family. Pan felt... proud. Proud to be related to this magnificent woman. She felt suddenly inferior, and wondered whether she would ever accomplish what Chi-Chi had. As she looked upon her grandmother's corpse, she realized for the first time in years that she was proud to be herself, and not Para. She, Pan, had a wonderful family. She knew that she had so much of Chi-Chi's fierce spirit inside her; she had seen it there all her life, when she used to look into the mirror long ago. When she used to get angry and cry and find hidden stores of power. The explosive and emotional feminine nature of her ki—that came from Chi-Chi. That was subdued when she was Para. The connection to her roots was there, but it was distant and diluted.
She did not want her family bonds to be diluted, but she had done exactly that. In being Para, she had sacrificed precious time with her grandmother. Tears streamed down her face.
Oh, Grandma. What have I done?
Pan placed both hands on her face, trying to hold back a torrent of tears. Her whole body was shuddering with the effort. She felt a hand rest comfortingly on her back, and she turned to its source. She saw a pair of familiar brown eyes, laced with a heavy sadness. Goten. The two stared at each other for a terrible tense moment, with all the frustration and pain of estranged family members.
Pan's guilt overwhelmed her as she witnessed her uncle's grief. The sorrow emanated from his pores in tender waves of pain which she keenly felt. How could she ever have intended to harm him? The innocence and anguish on his face broke her heart, and she was immediately filled with pity and regret. Then, brimming up underneath that, finally rose the love for him that she had locked away deep inside her.
"Goten," she whispered brokenly. She could see it in his eyes that he knew—he knew from that one word that his niece had forgiven him everything. All the animosity between them had instantly dissipated. Pan ached with the full knowledge of what she had done to him. She knew that he had been closer to her grandmother than anyone else, and she could see that he was suffering beyond her understanding. Guilt for a million misdeeds bubbled up in her chest, rendering her inarticulate. "Uncle Goten," she mumbled again. "I didn't get to see her. I didn't get to spend time with her."
"Shh, kiddo."
She found herself wrapped up in a giant bear hug, and she knew she was home.
Pan allowed her pent-up sobs to break forth against Goten's chest. She found herself shaking and crying uncontrollably as he held her. They both remained like that beside Chi-Chi's body, mourning their lost family member together. When Pan finally felt her tears subside, she was startled by Goten pulling away from her. He had rushed to the coffin where Chi-Chi's body had begun to disappear.
"Mom!" he shouted hysterically through his tears, reaching out to grasp the woman's shoulders as if to hold onto her. "Mom!"
The wife of Goku had finally ascended to Otherworld.
Goten hunched over the empty casket, crying afresh as though he were losing her all over again. "No! Don't take her, don't take her! Not yet. Mom! Please, Mom!"
As Pan watched his heart wrenching display of emotion, she pressed a hand over her mouth to try to restrain herself from crying more. She had abandoned her entire family. She had abandoned her dying grandmother, wasting priceless time that she could never get back. She had abandoned her distraught uncle. She had abandoned her father and mother. She had abandoned Hercule Satan. Why? Why had she done all this? Had losing Goku scarred her so deeply that she had been afraid to get close to her family members, lest they vanish like he had?
Goten continued to call for his mother in despair, while Gohan tried to soothe the man.
"Hey, little bro. Relax!" Gohan said with a strained cheerfulness, putting a hand on the man's shoulder. "This is what you said she wanted. She's going to see Dad again."
"I would like to see Kakkarot when I die too," Vegeta added. "He promised me a grand battle."
"Shut up, Vegeta," Bulma said with frustration, "or I'll help you get to Otherworld."
Meanwhile, Goten was still crying, not at all comforted by his brother's words, and certainly not by Vegeta's. The sounds of approaching footsteps were heard as someone else moved to Goten's side. The lavender-haired man cleared his throat to get his friend's attention, and looked at him intently. From Pan's estimation, this was the first time Trunks and Goten had made eye contact since the incident.
"Our time here is short," Trunks said gently. "We can't afford to let go of the people we love. We can't have any bad blood between brothers."
Goten nodded, wiping his sleeve across his nose and looking down at his friend's feet. "I'm sorry, Trunks—"
"No, man. I'm sorry."
The two men embraced, and Pan felt a wall break inside of her. Her heart swelled to see their friendship mended before her eyes. Trunks clapped Goten firmly on the back with the clasp of a deep and ancient camaraderie. A few seconds into the hug, he lifted his chin to look at her and gave her a kind smile over Goten's shoulder. Her chest throbbed with discomfort to know that she had caused their problems. She was responsible for all of this! Was she somehow accountable for her grandmother's death? A bout of nausea caused her to bolt into the woods outside her house, where she leaned weakly against a tree.
Her stomach was all in upheaval, but she did not throw up. She was, indeed, quivering like a drug addict in desperate need of a fix. And that fix was fusion. If it weren't enough that her psyche was shaken by the death of her grandmother, her body was a ruined mess as well.
She heard a rustling of leaves beside her, and turned to find that Goten had followed her out into the forest. He looked at her wretchedly as he dug his toe into the dirt.
"What am I going to do without her, Panny? She was all I had."
Pan was trying to form a response when a swoosh of wind revealed a blue-haired woman teleporting between them. Of course, she was wearing a fresh change of clothes and she looked good as new, in spite of how awful the fusion-break was causing her to feel.
The saiyan princess smiled at him in the way that only she could. "That's not true, Goten. You have us. You will always have us."
"Bra," Goten whispered in wonder, moving forward to seize her up in his arms. He clutched her against him tightly, almost as if he was holding on for dear life. Pan watched in awe as he buried his face in her aqua hair, no longer crying but suddenly filled with clarity and strength. She had never seen a man undergo such a change from despondent and desolate to content and calm within a matter of seconds.
She looked to her own side, and saw her own love standing there. With the dim light of the forest clearing filtering down on him from the canopy, Trunks was smiling at the scene unfolding before them. She could see that he was appreciating the sight of his long lost sister, and greatly relieved for the mending of fences between old friends. He turned to look at her, and the optimism in his blue eyes was infectious.
Pan was suddenly sure that all was going to be right with the world again.
Author's note: Thanks for reading, guys! Just so you know, that was NOT the last chapter of this story. But this is what it feels like to not get a cliffhanger. ;) Expect an update soon! Lots of love, Nadia.
