DESIDERATA

A/N: Bella's t-shirt brought to you by my reader Marliarna. Many thanks, my dear!

Things I own: A pre-purchased admission for New Moon, at 12:00 AM on November 20. W00t!

Things I don't own: Anything Twilight, it all belongs to Ms. Meyers.

Best of all is NaughtySparkle, who has pimped my story and read every chapter, spit shined the Smirkypeen, and talked me off the window ledge more times than I care to count. She saved many versions from being tossed into the garbage can. It is in no small part that she helped to get this story completed. Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my cold, black, wicked heart. 3

EPILOGUE: THE UNIVERSE UNFOLDS AS IT SHOULD

"Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things. " – Denis Diderot

Bella and Edward's Living Room, six months later

BPOV

Tonight is the finale of The Amazing Race. Edward and I have recorded the entire catalog of episodes, and we're planning to watch it all with the whole Cullen family. As we're preparing the house for tonight's festivities, I feel a slight tinge of guilt knowing that our sole purpose for gathering is to watch James and Renee's antics. It feels incredibly voyeuristic and somewhat snarky. While I am indeed known as Ms. Snarky the original, it doesn't seem right to make light of Renee's escapades. Charlie always taught me the importance of staying above the fray; I've never been one to play in the mud with lesser adversaries. When it comes to Renee, however, I remind myself that I really only have one of two choices to make: I can either laugh about my circumstances, or cry about them. I've shed enough tears over that woman to last a lifetime; I'm ready to try the laughter side of the equation.

Gradually, the whole Cullen Clan and their significant others gather in our living room: Carlisle and Esme; Jasper and Alice; Emmett and Rosalie; and, of course, Edward and me. We have beer flowing and snacks at the ready. I put Edward in charge of the remote for the evening.

True to form, I have chosen a special t-shirt just for the occasion: I will not brew decaf. Decaf is the mind killer. Decaf brings the little sleep that leads to total oblivion. I will embrace my caffeine. I will brew my beverages and let them flow through me, and when they are gone, I will remain…alert. Edward chose it especially for me, since I can't wear any of my other t-shirts. He knows how adamantly opposed I am to the entire concept of decaffeinated coffee. Likewise, I chose a special t-shirt for Mr. Smirky to wear: Lucky Fcuk.

We've all taken our assigned seats in the living room and everyone has heard "shh" often enough to mistake our living room for the LA public library. As the theme music cues us to pay attention to the TV, we all sit in rapt attention.

This year's group of Amazing Race contestants is unlike any other; everyone here agrees that it is the finest assortment of teams we've ever hosted…

Various teams are presented to the audience, along with interviews and a background story. Finally, James and Renee appear. Everyone squeals and hoots with their appearance onscreen.

"From the moment I saw her, I knew Renee was such a special woman. We met on the set of Masen Masterworks' new movie, The Noble Savage. Yes, my last name is Masen, but it's a shame I have only a weak connection to the family. If I was one of the Masens, I certainly wouldn't need a million dollar prize from the Amazing Race."

I can see Edward tense up while James is speaking, so I need to remind him that it doesn't matter.

"Breathe, Edward; we all know he's an asshole. That's what this is all about, remember?" We're sitting close to each other, holding hands, and he lifts up my hand to give me a reassuring kiss.

"Thanks for the reminder, love. Old habits die hard, I'm afraid."

"Remember that Eleanor Roosevelt quote I told you once? 'No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you give them permission'?"

I hear him chuckle in amusement. "If memory serves me correctly, Bella, the last time I heard that phrase, you were yelling that at me as I was walking out of the Wonderland Café in a huff. It is slightly ironic, hmm?"

"Shh, or you'll miss what they have to say!"

Naturally, Renee feels inclined to state her opinion, too. "We are so ready to do this! We've been together for over six months, and we work together like a finely tuned dream."

"I'm sure what Renee means to say is 'finely tuned machine.'"

"No, actually, I meant dream, silly! It's like a dream, us being here together, being as one. And we're not going to stop until we've won it all!" Renee adds a little cheerleader jump for emphasis.

"Too bad we didn't send her a truckload of pom-poms before she left," I scoff.

"Right, so anyhow, we're ready to go for broke and our team's strategy is solid."

The interviewer asks James a follow-up question. "What is your team's strategy, Mr. Masen?"

"We're going to kill them with kindness, so no one will ever know what hits them until it's too late!" James lets out a wicked laugh.

"Does James understand how creepy he seems? Who is going to give someone like him the time of day?" I ask.

"Sadly, he knows exactly when to turn the charm on. He can be very charismatic, which was the only way he got through to Kate. She never saw what was coming," Edward explains.

The announcer moves on to the next team. "That's James and Renee. We'll be looking forward to see how well their strategy serves them in the race."

We are all in high spirits as we see the other contestants introduced.

For the first leg of the race, the teams have to run a three-legged race to their backpacks. Once there, they need to find a card with their bus number on it. There are enough spots on two buses for all except one team. That's right; one team will be eliminated before they even get to leave the ground!

We watch as the teams get their legs tied together in preparation for the race. The whistle blows, and the teams take off running. Well, they try to, at any rate. Half of them fall to the ground. James and Renee, however, aren't one of them. They are the third party to reach their packs. In her haste, Renee jams the zipper and cannot open one of the pockets. James pushes her aside to get to the pocket. Renee looks as though she has been slapped in the face.

"Why is Renee's coordination so superb when mine is so miserably bad?" I whine.

Rosalie answers before Edward can. "Do you really want anything in common with Renee, Bella? Just one more way you are both different and better than she is."

I blush at receiving such praise from Rosalie; I know she is guarded in her compliments. "Thank you for that, Rose. It's nice of you to say so."

Suddenly, Alice shushes everyone. "Look at Renee's face!"

"James, I almost had it, you know!" She looks extremely displeased.

"Renee, if we sit and argue about it, we're not going to make it on the bus! Let's move! It's Bus #2!"

They get up to run to the bus, forgetting that their legs are tied together, and land on top of each other. There are now two more teams who've reached the backpacks. James and Renee struggle to get on their feet, and this time make it to the bus. We're all a little disappointed, but I actually want to see them try to charm their way through the race. The further they get, the harder they will fall.

We find out that the buses are taking the qualifying teams to the airport. Once they get there, they have to open the envelope that came with their bus number to find out where they get their plane tickets. The catch is that not everyone needs to go to the same counter. In the ultimate show of gamesmanship and team spirit, James decides to "help" the other teams by directing them to the wrong ticket counter, while Renee goes to get their tickets. Needless to say, they make it onto the plane with no problem, while other teams aren't so fortunate. When confronted by a couple of other teams, James shrugs it off and pretends that it was an honest mistake. I'm furious.

"How can they get away with that shit! They are so devious!"

Edward turns my face towards his and kisses away my pout. "A wise woman once told me that when I get frustrated, I should take a deep breath." Smirky returns with a vengeance.

"Hmph. That does sound wise," Snarky retorts.

They make it onto the plane, where they learn they are heading to the island of Java, in Indonesia. Their task is to teach children from a remote village how to say a few words of English to the visiting Americans. The camera focuses on Renee as she discusses their team's strategy.

"You know, being a mom gives you so much perspective on how to help kids. I feel really qualified to nurture their little souls. James doesn't have much experience with children, so that's where my talents lie. I'll be the motherer. James is more like the strategy guy."

I'm completely shocked when I hear Esme's voice mutter, "The word mother coming out of that woman's mouth is utter blasphemy!"

I look over to see Carlisle plant a calming kiss on his wife's cheek. "I couldn't agree more, dear."

I feel Edward's elbow nudge me in the side. He tilts his head to the side to signal me to look in that direction. Alice and Jasper appear to be in their own little cocoon. They are connected by their foreheads, and gazing into each other's eyes. They are so absorbed in one another that they have no idea anyone else is in the room. Edward whispers into my ear, "Should I tell them to get a room?"

I giggle quietly and shake my head silently. There is so much love contained within our living room that it would be wrong to attempt to put a lid on it. I lean over to kiss Edward, and he deepens the kiss automatically. In an instant, my focus is only in one place: That sublime mixture of his lips on mine. It's like a chemical reaction; Edward's lips act as a catalyst, causing an even more intense reaction to take place. It would be nearly impossible for me to stamp out the flames he starts; I am compelled to see the experiment through to the very end. Esme's voice breaks through our reverie to remind us that the commercial break is over, and directs us back to the show.

The camera cuts back and forth between the various teams trying to teach the Indonesian children English phrases. When Renee and James appear on screen, their happy camaraderie has faded. Something entirely more sinister has appeared.

"No! That isn't how you say it! It's 'Hell-oh'! For God's sake, have any of you ever been in school before? It really isn't that hard to say. Come on, children! We need to win this round or you won't get the candy I promised!" Renee yells at the children. Several of them have started to cry, and a few have left the group. You can just see James' face turn from content to furious in the space of a few minutes. He pulls Renee aside after a few more children leave.

"Jesus, Renee, I thought you were the nurturer! You have to do something to get those kids back, or we're screwed for this challenge! I don't know about you, but I'm pretty freaking committed to getting that million-dollar prize! Now pony up, or I'll end up doing this solo if I have to!"

An interviewer pulls James aside to talk about the incident.

"Yeah, well I've only known her a few months. Our relationship is totally platonic; we just thought we'd make a great team, you know? How was I supposed to know that she would be epic fail with children? She was a mom, for crying out loud!"

Renee happens to overhear James' tirade and comes over to defend herself.

"Look, I don't know how being a mom makes me the person to teach English to these rugrats! I've never had to work with children before!"

"What the hell are you talking about? You have a kid! What did you do when you taught her how to talk?"

"I'm not sure how her father handled it. I don't remember what he did."

"Wait, you don't know how she learned to speak? You're her mom—how do you not know something as important as that?"

"Well, for you information, Mr. Smart Man, I wasn't there when she was learning how to speak! I haven't really seen her since she was a few months old! By the time I saw her again, she was already in school."

"Wait, you have no idea how she learned any of that stuff?"

"No, I already told you, I wasn't there!"

"Jesus, are you sure you're a mother? Isn't the definition of mother basically someone who takes care of their kid and teaches them the important stuff they need to know?"

Renee suddenly becomes aware that the camera is focused on her, and has been recording this entire outburst.

"What I mean to say is that I wasn't lucky enough to be able to spend a lot of quality time with my daughter once my relationship with my husband went sour. He forbid me from seeing her, so I didn't get to spend any time with her as she was growing up. He was the one with all the funds, and I couldn't afford a good lawyer. She was essentially taken away from me. So naturally, I don't have any experience with kids as a result. I became so withdrawn and couldn't bear to have more children, afraid that the same thing would happen to me all over again. It was all so unfair, you know."

"For Christ's sake, Renee! You're pathetic! How could you possibly think that I'd want you on my team if I knew that was your background? I mean, how in the hell am I supposed to be a winner if you have such a relationship deficit? God, if I had known that, I would never have signed onto a team with you! How the hell am I supposed to win a million dollars with you on my team?"

The narrator's voice is layered over their argument. "Needless to say, James and Renee were unsuccessful in teaching the Indonesian children."

The camera pans to James and Renee arriving at the finish line for this leg of the race. James looks incredibly angry, and Renee's face is a study in frustration. The host greets them at the finish line with unwelcome news: "James and Renee, you are the last team to arrive. I'm sorry, you will not be continuing on the race."

James looks like he just swallowed a lemon, whole. Renee runs off the camera and starts to hurl. Well, she never could handle conflict very well, despite the fact that she always brings it on herself.

The living room bursts out in spontaneous applause and a series of high fives with those words. I never thought I would see the day when Renee got what she deserved, but she just had her ass handed to her on a platter, and I couldn't be happier. I honestly never believed in karma, or thought that what goes around, comes around, but for Renee and James, it actually did. I'm delighted and relieved to know that they did not pass go, they did not collect a million dollars, and eventually might end up having to go straight to jail. In the end, it all worked out beautifully, and my wonderful husband and his family were responsible for allowing this to occur.

I take a moment to stand up, but do it so suddenly I get lightheaded; Edward is right there, steadying me. He speaks softly into my ear, "Slowly, my love. You don't want to get a head rush, right?" I feel his arms wrap around my middle, and I instantly feel calmed by his presence.

I nod my head. "I know, baby. Sorry. I'll try to be more careful." I turn to face my friends and family. "I want to thank all of you for being so supportive and helpful over the past few months in dealing with this whole situation. It has been very stressful and sad, but each one of you have been there for me when I needed you most, and I can't thank you enough. You're my family now, and I love every last one of you."

Esme answers for the group. "Bella, I think I speak for all of us in saying that you have brought so much happiness to our lives, we feel that we owe you so much more than we've given to you in return. All you have to do is take one look at my son's beaming face to see the truth of my words."

*************************

EPOV

My friends and family surround me in the stretch limo. The mood is so ebullient and festive, and the laughter is flowing as freely as the champagne. I still find it amazing to think that out of this group of individuals who found themselves in Forks, Washington over a year ago, there are now five finely matched couples in varying stages of commitment. My Mom and Dad, of course, have been happily married for years. Jacob and Tanya, surprisingly, have continued to date off and on. Her high maintenance temperament is a great match for Jake's easy going attitude. They complement one another incredibly well; it's only right that they should accompany one another to Masen functions. Jasper and Alice are going to have a full Hollywood wedding in a few months; the date has been a closely guarded secret to keep the paparazzi guessing. Rose and Emmett, much to my surprise, ran off to Vegas and got married a few months ago. Apparently, being an anal retentive planner in her vocation made her want to keep things sweet and simple. Which leaves just Bella and me, Snarky and Smirky. We've been attached at the hip since we left Forks, and my life has never been happier or more complete. I'm totally a Lucky Fcuk.

The couples make their way out of the limo, one pair at a time, stepping out onto the waiting red carpet. For once, I don't hear the chatter, the incessant clicks of the paparazzi; I'm completely unaware of the glare of the lights. All my senses are otherwise focused on the essence of Bella. I gaze at her deep blue fuckhot dress, I smell the unique scent of her—her perfume commingling with her own natural bouquet, I hear her breath hitch, I taste her kiss on my mouth, and I feel the silkiness of her skin as I reach out for her hand when she steps out of the limo. Once Bella is at my side, I lean in to kiss her and place my hand lightly on her belly, which is just started to show the bump of her pregnancy. The only things in the world that matter to me are between my two hands; she is my entire world. After I kiss her, I whisper words of encouragement into her ear, but she doesn't really need them. She is stunning, ravishing, and the cameras love her. I certainly can't blame them, but I can admit I'm jealous of them. I want her all to myself.

I'm not surprised that our version of Persuasion wound up to be Masen's finest critical success. It is my first collaboration with Bella, and her script is brilliant; after years of frustration, I finally found the combination that works: My directing partnered with her writing. It is a perfect collaborative match, as is our marriage. To be here, at the Oscars, with my pregnant wife, and my best friends, is more than I ever could have hoped for in life. I still remind myself daily that I am the luckiest bastard on the entire planet.

BPOV

My heart is pounding as the limo comes to a halt. Edward leans in to kiss me.

"Are you ready for all this, love? We can always opt for the back entrance if you prefer. I don't want you to put too much stress on yourself or the baby."

I reach out to touch his cheek. Such a beautiful, caring man, and he's all mine. I still have no idea how all this happened, but I am eternally grateful that it did. My mind flashes back to the words we shared at the altar; Edward quoted Oscar Wilde, one of our favorites:

"All I know is that it takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory and still to love it, and even more courage to see it in the one you love. You are the most courageous woman I know—to not be afraid to show it now."

I offered my own quote for the occasion, by Henrik Ibsen:

"…a marriage based on full confidence, based on complete and unqualified frankness on both sides; they are not keeping anything back; there's no deception, underneath it all. If I might so put it, it's an agreement for the mutual forgiveness of sins."

From the horrible beginning we had to our relationship, Edward and I have experienced the most profound love and respect for each other. I rub my hands over my pregnant belly and think back at how, in many ways, the Desiderata of Happiness helped me make it to this perfect place in my life. The most important lesson of all comes from the last line of Desiderata; the one stanza I haven't yet reviewed over the past months:

"Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

For once in my life, I can say I am cheerful. I am happy every day and strive to maintain that happiness. And it is all because I have the beautiful, the wonderful, the charming, the perfect Mr. Edward Cullen by my side. Forever.

Edward Cullen is, quite simply, my Desiderata of Happiness.

END NOTE: So, thanks to everyone for joining me on this crazy ride. I truly appreciate the readers and all the wonderful reviews! If you're interested in reading my other stories, my profile is: http://www . fanfiction . net/u/1868476/ (remember to remove the spaces between the dots before copying the URL).

My next story will be a multi-chapter story featuring Dr. Cullen and Nurse Swan, entitled, "The Nightingale Journals." It is a continuation of my one-shots "Underneath it All" and "The Green-Eyed Monster Comes Out to Play." If you want to read, put me on author alert so you will be notified when it posts. I will probably take a week or two off and indulge in some reading, but it should begin shortly.