I'm sorry this is late, guys. I had an orchestra concert today, and a shitload of homework to do. Finals are coming up, so updates might be later than normal. Trigger warning- anorexia and depression.
"WHAT?!"
"Wake him up! He's fine!"
"What if it's sleep apnea?!"
"He doesn't fucking have sleep apnea Rydel, don't fucking say that!"
I shake Ratliff's shoulders roughly, tears building in my eyes. "Ratliff, come on! We love you, come on, goddammit!"
Ratliff chokes, coughing furiously. He blinks, his eyes lidded and half-closed. "My chest hurts, what the fuck happened…?"
"Oh my god, Ell," I whisper, clutching him tighter to my chest. "You started breathing really weird and scared all of us, don't fucking do that."
Ratliff coughs dryly. "Panic attack."
"What?" Rocky asks in disbelief. "Since when do you get panic attacks? I thought that was only Rydel and Austin…"
He shakes his head. "No, I have them too…just never told you guys because I didn't want you to worry…"
I stare at him in shock. "You mean to tell me, that you've been having panic attacks for the past few months and you never thought about telling us?"
"Make it the past few years," Ratliff mumbles. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you guys. I just can't help myself. I panic, and sometimes when I sleep, it shallows my breathing, and I wake up with chest pain. It goes away within the hour, and then I'm okay, so I didn't think it was that important."
"Oh, Ell…" Austin mutters. "You gotta tell us shit like this, we need to know."
"He's right," Rydel nods. "If it's affecting your health, you sure as hell need to let us know about it."
I sigh, shifting him in my arms, so he's laying across my lap. I'm supporting his head with one arm, and keeping the other one under his knees. "You scared us…"
"I know," Ratliff replies. "M'sorry. I didn't mean to. Usually it only flares up when I'm alone, but after I apologized to you, Rik, I was a mess, and I guess that triggered it…"
"Come here," Rocky says hollowly. "Please."
He holds open his arms, and Ratliff smiles faintly at me, before sliding off my lap, and scooting into our oldest brother's embrace. Rocky squeezes him tightly, dropping repeated kisses on his hair and whispering in his ear.
They've always been close. Like me and Rydel, those two have always had a close relationship- maybe it's because they saved each other.
"It's my turn after you, Rocky," Austin calls.
"Excuse you? I get him afterward!" Rydel protests.
"You act like I'm a toy," Ratliff snorts. "No calling dibs on me. And what if I wanna stay in Rocky's arms the entire night?"
"Then I'll pull you away."
"You guys good?"
I glance at both Ratliff and Austin, before turning my gaze to Rydel and Riker. "We all good?"
"Yes," Austin replies for all of them. "Please drive us home. This hospital is depressing me."
"Join the club on that one," Rydel mutters. "I think it's making me not want to eat even more…" Her eyes widen. "Did I just say that out loud?"
"Yes, you did," Riker replies immediately. "Wanna tell us what that was about?"
"Not really," Rydel mumbles. "I'm fine."
"You aren't," Austin speaks up. "And we haven't paid you enough attention in the past few weeks…"
"It's okay, Aus, really," Rydel sighs. "I'm used to it."
"You shouldn't be," I grumble. "We're shitty siblings, god…when did we become so damn selfish?"
"Stop beating yourself up. I'm the one that decided not to tell you guys. But I did now, didn't I? So you can shove food down my throat all you want."
Ratliff stares at her. "Is that really what you think we're trying to do? Force feed you to satisfy us?"
"Goddammit Rydel, we love you. We want you to eat, because we don't want to see you in one of those goddamn hospital beds! You need to eat- you need to fucking eat if you want to continue living! It's not a fucking punishment, and we're not doing it because we hate you. We're doing it because we're your brothers and we want to make sure you're healthy," Riker bursts out, his chest heaving.
"Riker's right," I agree, hitting the brakes as we come to a stoplight. "We only want what's best for you."
"Oh, don't give me that bullshit," Rydel grumbles. "What's best for me- is not eating, because if you haven't noticed, I've put on five pounds!"
"Yes, and you're still underweight! You're 18 years old, and you're barely 115 pounds! That's severely underweight," Ratliff points out. "I weigh more than that, and I'm two years younger than you!"
"What about Austin?" Rydel asks. "I bet he weighs less."
"I'm 15, Rydel," Austin sighs. "And I'm also underweight. I fucking eat, I just did a lot of running before I met you guys. I used to eat, then run it off. I eat, but I don't gain weight- that's how I stay the way I am. You are in no way fat. I'm a guy, and guys and girls are completely different."
"That's crap," Rydel persists, crossing her arms over her chest.
"He's three years younger than you, of course he's gonna weigh less! You are not fat, and I can prove it to you!" Riker exclaims.
"How?"
"I'll show you."
"See?" I say, pointing to my laptop screen. "This is a BMI calculator. Your BMI is 17.5, and anything below 18.5 is considered underweight. Do you believe me now?"
Rydel shakes her head. "Check Austin's."
"Alright, hang on." I stare at the computer, after typing in Austin's information. "Aus, yours is 16.1…"
"I know," Austin mutters. "I'm underweight, but I eat. You've seen me eat, and I don't throw it up afterward. I just used to run a lot. I have a fast metabolism."
"And mine is slow," Rydel says. "I eat, and then I see it on the scale a couple hours later."
"Oh, really?" I reply, turning around to face her. "Then explain why you've only gained five pounds in the span of a year and a half. You don't need to diet, babygirl. I love you, and I want you healthy…"
I reach for her, pulling her down into my lap and kissing the side of her head. "What would I do without the other half of the twin squad?"
"Are you seriously bringing that up again?!"
"Shut up, Ratliff!" Austin mutters. "It's cute."
"Cute? More like nauseating," Ratliff grumbles. "They do this all the time…"
"So do you and Rocky," Austin points out. "Can't argue there."
"Alright, you got me. Let's go play some pool, leave them alone for a bit," Ratliff suggests. Austin nods, and Ratliff pulls him to his feet, leading him down into the basement. Rocky's down there too, he said he wanted to try and do some songwriting- it calms him down.
"But seriously Ry, do you get it? You gotta eat, babygirl," I whisper.
"It's just hard, Rik," she sighs. "I've hated my body for so long…"
"I know," I sigh. "I really do know. It's hard, and I get it. But you're strong, and you've shown us that you're a fighter. I know it hurts to eat, because you think you're fat, but god, you're really not."
"Rik?"
"Yeah, love?"
"I'm sorry I was a bitch to you… I didn't mean it, I love you…"
I exhale a heavy breath. "I've forgiven you already. You were blinded by grief- it's okay."
"Alright, from this point onward, no more secrets, no more lies, and no more being assholes to each other, are we clear?"
"Yes," Ratliff says. "You've repeated this at least five times." He smirks at Rocky, squeezing me tighter. I lift my head, looking over Ratliff's body- at our oldest brother. He shakes his head at me, and I grin. Sighing, I flop back down, curling back into Ratliff's arms.
I snort. "More like ten. We're good, Rocky, really."
"Wait, are Rik and Ry asleep already?"
We're sleeping in the basement- on the floor- tonight. I've got my head buried in Ratliff's shirt, and his head is in the crook of my neck. Rocky's spooning him from behind, and Riker and Rydel are curled up behind him, cuddling in some way that's unknown to us. We haven't really heard much from them in the last couple minutes.
"Yeah, they're out," Rocky mutters. "Speaking of, you two should sleep as well. It's almost one am."
"Ugh…do we have to?" Ratliff whines. "We don't have to get up early tomorrow…"
"Nope, but we're going to the gym, remember? Rydel said she'd start eating, if she could work out as well, and I thought it'd be good for all of us. Plus, Aus, you gotta strengthen your knee, and I need to do the same for my leg."
"Shit, yeah, I forgot. What time?"
"'Round ten-thirty. I figured we could grab lunch from somewhere, that way."
"Alright." After Ratliff answers, a silence drapes over the room. I smile faintly, pushing my nose further against his chest.
"Love you guys," I whisper, as sleep begins to overtake me. "I love you guys so much."
So, I've felt that Rydel's been pretty ignored in the story- this is her storyline. And trust me, it's not gonna be smooth sailing for her, either ;) Anyways- 80 reviews, and I'll have the next chapter up earlier. Thanks for reading- I hope you guys enjoyed.
-Neha
