Chapter 28
Thorin Speaks
A/N: To Isky- Thorin should definitely understand that. Yeah, amazing how many times someone needs to save him from himself. And yes, Fili does have a clue now.
Disclaimer: Don't own, do't profit.
Thorin regretted snapping at his sister and storming out of the house; but she had been wrong to compare Frerin's death at Azog's hand to Kίli's humiliation at the hand of Men. He felt himself responsible for his brother's death and while he hated what had happened to his youngest sister-son, he did not consider the trauma to be the same. Kίli had is whole life before him; Frerin died long before his time. Still he needed to apologize to Dis.
His first stop that day was at the toymakers' shop where he spoke with Bofur soliciting the dwarf's help in dealing with the caravan master. Thorin promised to post Ered Luin dwarves with the tents and wagons until they were able to hire more guards and move on. Bofur indicated that he knew of a number of dwarrow willing to sign on as caravan guards and offered to negotiate between the merchants and the dwarves.
Thorin left the shop feeling better knowing that the floppy-hatted ex-miner would handle the problem adequately. Next he met with Dwalin in the forge to discuss assigning some of the watch to guard the caravan. The large dwarf nodded his understanding and vowed to see it done.
"How is Kίli?" Dwalin broached.
Thorin wiped a palm across his face. "Not sure. He tries to hide his feelings from me. Thinks he has to be strong because he's a prince of Durin. But really he has been avenged so that should be the end of it all."
Balin had heard the words and walked over to join the two.
"Now, Thorin, you know how sensitive your nephew is; and he's had to deal with many things these last months." He clapped a hand to his leader's arm. "I'd give him time yet, he's been in a bad place most of the winter."
"He has had months to deal with what happened. It is time he put it behind him. And I am giving him time. Otherwise I would have had the boys sign on as the new caravan guards. They've done it before. It's good experience and pays well enough."
The white-haired dwarf shook his head slowly. "I hope y'er right, laddie. I'd like to see him not hurt anymore." He turned heading back to his work.
Dwalin did not speak again, but his look said that he shared his brother's thoughts.
To his credit Thorin spent the rest of the day contemplating what had befallen his sister-son and trying to grasp how it had affected him. Apparently there was a difference of opinion between himself and the rest of his family because he thought the matter should now be closed while the others did not.
After much consideration, the king-in-exile determined the differences lay in their personalities. He had been reared with the ever-present duty and responsibility as heir to the Throne of Erebor, taught to subjugate his own desires and emotions for the good of his people and his kingdom. To Thorin the way of dealing with your emotions was to shunt them away, to carry on for the people. After Azanulbizar that was exactly what he had done- no time for mourning the deaths of his grandfather and brother properly. When Thrain failed to assume responsibility, that job fell to Thorin; he had to be strong and lead the Dwarrow away from that stunning defeat. Perhaps his sister had been right when she said he had been born older; some of his oldest memories revolved around his responsibility.
Kίli, on the other hand, had not been forced to shoulder such a burden at an early age. Since Fίli was the heir, he bore that responsibility while Kίli had more freedom and less discipline. His infectious smile and boisterous personality coupled with his innocence had allowed him to get away with more things than Thorin had ever dreamed of as a dwarfling. And Kίli's unabashed willingness to pout combined with his overly large brown puppy eyes had saved him more than once from the well-deserved circumstances of his actions.
It was these thoughts that prompted Thorin to conclude that his nephew's inability to put the unfortunate incident behind him resulted directly from the fact that he had been coddled all his life, sheltered, and rarely forced to face the startling realities of the larger world. After all, Thorin, himself, had been but twenty-four when the dragon had taken the mountain forcing the Erebor dwarves on the road and had fought at Azanulbizar at age fifty-three. Kίli was seventy and had never had to deal with such mind-numbing events while maintaining the unruffled facade of a prince.
So it was that Thorin decided his plan for dealing with his nephew that evening. He did not expect it to be a very comfortable discussion knowing that both his sister and his heir would likely take issue with some of the things he said. However, he determined that they would meet together as a family...And Kίli would not be allowed to run away from the uncomfortable subject.
Dinner that evening was quiet and the tension palpable. Both Dis and Fίli knew Thorin planned to talk with Kίli, and that Kίli was not ready to live up to his uncle's rigid expectations. What made the situation worse was that Thorin had explained that he wanted everyone present for the conversation and that he expected them to keep Kίli focused and calm. The king-in-exile did not want a repeat of the fight they had had with an earlier "discussion".
As the boys finished doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen, Kίli was hopeful that he would be able to slip away before Thorin could bring up the subject for discussion. He turned to his mother who was making tea, kissed her on the cheek with a quiet, "'Nite, Mum," then walked towards the hallway. He prayed to Mahal that his uncle would not call him back.
Just as his foot came down in the hall, he heard Thorin speak.
"Kίli?"
The youngest Durin paused, not wanting to answer, yet knowing he had no real choice.
"Sir?" He made no move to turn and face his elder.
"A word with you?" Thorin's voice was calm but commanding.
Reluctantly Kίli turned and walked back to the sitting room, chewing his lower lip.
Thorin was seated in his arm chair before the fireplace while Fίli and his mother had taken positions on the sofa leaving the middle spot empty for him. They planned to provide support and to act as a buffer, Dis having determined she would not allow Thorin to badger her son. His brother motioned for him to sit between them and as he settled, his mother passed him a cup of tea.
"Yes, Uncle?" The faintest quiver crept into his voice; and Fίli squeezed his brother's arm in support.
"I would like to speak to you about the events of yesterday." Thorin stared at his nephew their eyes meeting briefly before Kίli dropped his gaze to his lap and sipped his tea to keep from answering.
"The Men who assaulted you have been tried and executed according to Khazad law. You have been avenged and the incident should be closed." The elder Durin paused waiting for a response; but when his nephew remained silent, he continued. "Your mother and brother inform me, however, that that is not the case, that you are not ready to let this go."
Kίli sat, head bowed, hair blocking his face, as he gave a brief shake of his head.
"Can you tell me why?"
The young Dwarf took a gulp of tea this time, having recognized the chamomile, and hoping for it to calm his nerves. He knew Thorin would rake open the old, as yet unhealed, wounds pushing relentlessly until they broke spilling out the agony inside of him once again.
"'S not my choice," Kίli mumbled.
"Then whose choice is it?" Thorin barked.
Kίli winced at the sharp words, shaking his head as he took several deep breaths.
"Just because t-they're dead d-doesn't mean w-what they did goes a-away...'ll never g-go away." Kίli downed more of his tea and Dis took the cup from his shaking hands.
"No, not on it's own, it won't." Thorin's words were matter-of-fact, not accusing as was his usual style. "The horrible act you suffered will always remain a part of who you are; but how you deal with it is your choice. And that choice will determine your future. "
Thorin rose and crossed to stand before his nephew before kneeling. He reached out to place fingers under Kίli's chin. "Look at me."
Slowly Kίli raised his eyes to meet his uncle's blue ones; the deep brown glistened with unshed tears. A ghost of a smile wafted across Thorin's face as he continued.
"You can choose to remain banarȃl,...broken and wounded." He paused watching Kίli's eyes grow wider. "Or you can decide to move on." Thorin ran a finger across the scar on his nephew's forehead. "The physical scars are long healed; but the wounds in your mind remain deep and raw."
As Thorin's words pierced through every facade Kίli had erected, he could no longer hold back the tears that welled over and spilled down his cheeks. Thorin reached out to cup his hand around the back of his sister-son's head caressing the dark locks.
"I would..." he paused as if reconsidering his words, "We would help you, little one, if you would tell us how. What still haunts you so?"
Kίli dropped his head to his hands as his shoulders shook. It was apparent he was crying and yet this was a far different from his usual panicked hysteria. Dis rubbed circles on his back while Fίli gripped his shoulder in support.
Kίli never expected his uncle to be this intuitive and calm. He was far more used to the exiled king who fumed and raged in his authority. Kίli knew Thorin loved him; but as his mother often said, his uncle wanted the boys to grow up as strong, true Heirs of Durin. That was why he was stern and much more prone to criticize than praise. It was also one of the reasons the younger prince so desperately wanted his uncle's approval.
Kίli was not even sure how to respond to this new Thorin. Was he still supposed to be the strong warrior who took everything in stride never allowing his emotions to break through, like a typical dwarf? Or could he confide his deepest fears to his family without proving to Thorin just how weak and useless he truly was?
When the dark-haired Dwarf finally raised his head from his hands, his eyes were rimmed in red. He reached up to place a hand atop Fίli's hand on his shoulder grateful for the support.
Kίli closed his eyes before responding.
"I-I can't help but r-remember what t-they d-did to me. The p-pain, the humiliation, the..." his voice broke here as tears once more fell down his cheeks. "I f-f-feel violated, d-defiled...Should have been a-able to fight t-them off, b-but they t-threatened Fίli. I couldn't l-let them h-hurt him."
"Oh, Kίli, it's all right. No one blames you for what happened," Dis soothed.
The prince nodded then looked up to meet his uncle's gaze. "Thought you would be d-d-disgusted with me...H-humiliated, not w-worthy of D-Durin's line."
Thorin, torn by the pain of Kίli's admission, sat on the floor then pulled his nephew into his arms.
"Never, little one. I am so proud of you. You were strong and brave; and yesterday you faced your attackers like a true son of Durin."
Kίli laid his head against his uncle's shoulder, relishing the acceptance and praise.
"I s-still feel so f-filthy,...and when he t-touched me yesterday..." Kίli drew a ragged breath as the memories crowded around his thoughts. "I felt d-dirty again, like I'll n-never be clean,...like it's w-written on my face a-and everyone k-knows." He twisted his fingers into his uncle's tunic as his whole body shook.
Thorin wrapped his arms around the trembling Dwarf and held him tight.
"None outside your family and cousins know, except Bofur- and we needed his help. He will not divulge your secret. Do not fear what others may say when all who matter know the truth." He reached up to wipe away a tear from his nephew's cheek.
"Kίli, you are a strong Prince of Durin. Do not let what happened take that from you."
Every word that Thorin had spoken made sense, and yet, the young Dwarf could not accept that they applied to him. Kίli wanted to believe the words more than anything; but he could not grasp them as true when his mind kept shouting, "Violated,...defiled, ...ruined,...unworthy."
"Can you do that, my sister-son?" Thorin asked.
"D-don't k-know?" Kίli stammered, not certain that he could overcome the words that seemed to undermine his every thought.
For several moments no one moved, the silence broken only by Kίli's snuffling as he tried to reign in his tears.
"Uncle, I c-can't," the young Dwarf cried his voice pained at one more perceived failure before his kin. "I-I can't s-stop the feelings. I'm s-sorry."
Thorin felt his nephew shaking in his arms and realized that Kίli was near the point of breaking. Things had been going so well, he did not want this to dissolve into either a panic attack or an attempt to escape the situation.
"Shhh, little Kίli, it's all right." As Thorin stroked the raven hair, he felt Kίli go rigid in his grasp before jerking away and scrambling backwards to the sofa.
Almost simultaneously the room exploded in sound as three dwarves spoke at once.
"Uncle don't..." Fίli tried to get the elder dwarf's attention.
"Kίli!" Dis cried out dropping down beside her now distraught son and wrapping her arm around his shoulder.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Kίli screamed, pulling away from his uncle as memories of Brogen's taunting voice echoed through his mind. It felt as if a something was squeezing his chest; he could not draw air into his lungs even though he was breathing faster. His heart pounded, each beat a roaring in his ears. He had to get away; and yet he was hemmed in by his family with no way to escape. He pulled his legs up to his chest wrapping his arms around them and dropping his forehead on his knees.
A/N: banarȃl – victim of rape
Every time things seem to be going right somehow it just skews off course. Poor Kίli.
Off to Dallas Fan Expo (previously Dallas ComicCon) so the next update won't be till Monday. This also means I won't be answering your reviews until then either. If you happen to be at the con, I'll be a very short 10th Doctor Friday nite and Liv Moore from IZombie on Saturday.
Thanks all for reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing. Love hearing from you guys.
