And an update on 'Alone'. Thank God.

Chapter 27
Colorless Collision

All I see, all I freaking see is this
January, 4th, 2009
Bleed

The whole world around me is too dead for my liking.

I'm dead inside, too.

The razor's ripping at my skin at I'm watching it but it's like my hands aren't moving and I'm watching the scene of a horror movie as the blood trickles from my wrists and I suck in a soft breath, trying not to care about the blood—even if so much was falling—even if I felt like I was dying instead of living because I wanted to die, didn't I? And it wouldn't matter much when I was so very dead on the inside, so very broken, so very ruptured and I couldn't fix myself and no one else could either.

My stomach sloshed acid, my head pounded with pain, my spine had agony burning through it and I couldn't do anything about it as I laid my head on my shoulder, as the world around me turned from white to gray to black and there was just this hint of light when I mentioned Randy's name, a soft color that was fizzling in the darkness of the world around me, that color—as it sparked, was a livid red color, but not of blood, blood was the last thing on my mind with the brightness of that color—it was of love, romance and how my mind realized that it was throwing that away.

But I didn't deserve to love because I can't love.

I couldn't pleasure Randy in ways that he can pleasure me and I can't satisfy Randy and all I ever do was horrify Randy with all the blood on my wrists and the scars on my face and the desolation and torture won't end right now and it won't end soon so why should Randy sit through all that misery and despair of my life right now? Why should Randy endure the dejection of it all right now?

He couldn't.

I couldn't even look at things I've written about myself. I was so sickened by what had been written that I'd wanted to tear everything apart, everything right there on the floor, to pieces, that was what I wanted to see the most but I couldn't have. This book had pages and pages filled with emotions I couldn't get rid of and I wasn't about to let it all waste away just because I didn't want to see the languish burning through Randy's perfect tanned face.

I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it at all.

When I thought of him, my insides were crying whenever I thought of him. I thought of that face crumpling when it should've been flat and relaxed, and I thought of those eyes—too many times I'd thought—that those baby blue joyful eyes were burning brokenly whenever they looked at me and I couldn't take it anymore. And Cody…I couldn't watch those turquoise eyes sad, just any amount of sadness in those sweet eyes just make me break harder under pressure. I couldn't see him in this much pain. Cody was like a brother to me. I couldn't see those eyes lap up with tears for my sake. I couldn't. I wouldn't have to endure that any longer.

"Ted?"

It was just my mind playing tricks no doubt but then I felt two arms wrap around me, forcing me to look at the face of perfection, the face of Randy Orton, and how my heart skipped too many beats.

"Ted?"

Another voice. No doubt Cody's.

The tears in their eyes, the sweat on their flesh, trying to wipe away the blood of my wrists, and I can only stare into Randy's eyes, can only drown myself in the pool of his eyes.

"Randy."

I didn't even know that was my weak voice speaking until I felt my throat catch on fire and burn so rapidly on the inside.

I didn't even now I was crying until I started cursing myself.

The colors collided and exploded in my brain, Randy's red color and Cody's turquoise color and I couldn't take it anymore, the colors burned my brain to the core and the next time I blinked, the world had no colors. Not even black. Just colorless. Just a colorless collision of nothing and everything.

It was horrible. It was too horrible.

I couldn't see anything but the colorless words around me and I wasn't falling into anything anymore…everything was just—surreal. Everything was just dull. Everything wasn't alive anymore.

Everything just died.

This colorless world with
no skies and grass
with no playgrounds and snow
with no laughter and love
nothing
absolutely nothing…

I don't know. This one left a huge mark. I liked it. Next chapter brings more to Ted's insanity.

;) Sam