Chapter 28: Unrefuted
As soon as Edward and Jacob left I began shielding myself; following them out and as far as I could comfortably reach.
I turned; glaring at the box, and went over and picked it up, intending to through it out. As I held it over the garbage, willing myself to let it drop in, I found I couldn't let it go. I felt sad at the thought of it being dismissed and thrown out like trash, so instead I went into my room and shoved it in my closet, in a corner so that it would be out of sight. I did not open it.
Three days have gone by. Three days and I have not heard from a single person, neither the Volturi or the Cullen's and Jacob. Demitri and Felix haven't even attempted to call.
I didn't mind the silence, but even still I was beginning to get worried.
I had managed in the three days to go hunting and then follow up with my professors about all my classes. I was increasingly glad that I had worked ahead and finished all of my assignments and class out line for my TA position. I was able to turn everything in and ask for a leave, family emergency in the states, they accepted everything from me without penalty.
Once I had spoken with all my instructors and had taken care of all the paper work I left the campus and started to head back home.
I knew Alice couldn't see me while I was shielding, so I wasn't worried that any of them would find me here, I had kept up my shield since they left me alone that day.
However, I was surprised when I saw Edward. He was leaning against a tree around my property, facing my home. I didn't stop when I saw him, and I didn't change my course of direction to avoid him either, but I didn't push out my shield to further surround me once I passed him.
"Bella..." He called out to me only once. I didn't stop or acknowledge him, I kept my pace and continued home.
The next day my phone rang. I picked it up and looked at the caller ID before answering it. I let out a breath as I recognized the name on the screen. I hadn't realized I was worried about receiving the call that Edward had warned me about until now.
"Hey." I said to Felix as I answered the call.
"I don't have a lot of time, but you need to be prepared Bella." He started telling me in a hushed rush.
"What's going on?"
"The Volturi are planning to come to you and bring you back."
"What? Why?"
"I don't have time to explain, I just wanted you to know so that you can be ready Bella."
"Ready for what Felix? What is happening!"
"They are going to make you come back to stay Bella. They are afraid, they are scared of you getting too close to the Cullen's. Bella you need to protect yourself. I have to go..." He hurried out in a whisper.
"Felix!" I yelled at him through the phone.
"I'm sorry B, I can't...I have to go." And with that the phone line went dead.
I couldn't wrap my head around what he had said, what it all meant. Edward had been right about them calling me back to Volterra, about them wanting to keep me – lock me away, I didn't understand how they had intended on doing that, but I felt myself worry about the possibility.
I began to pace my house, trying to figure out what would have them going to such extremes. Nothing I could come up with made any sense to me.
Twenty minutes after my phone call with Felix, my phone began to ring again. I walked over to the counter were it laid slowly, and pick up the phone. It was Aro. With shaky hands I pick it up and answered. "Hello."
"Bella dear, how are you?" He asked me with his normal welcoming voice.
"I'm good Father."
"That's wonderful dear. How is everything in Pisa?"
"Fine."
"Excellent." He said to me, as shivers began to run down my spine. "Bella, we are planning a trip to come and see you."
"Oh?" I questioned him in a whimper, "Is there any particular reason?"
"We have some things to discuss with you."
"Should I come to you instead?"
"No, no. That won't be necessary. Arrangements have already been made."
"When should I expect your visit?"
"We will be leaving here in two days, when the sun sets." He said.
"Ok." I said in response. I was at a loss for words with him, something that didn't normally happen, I didn't know what to say to him.
"Bella?"
"Yes?"
"We will be bringing you back with us, please have your things ready to go when we arrive."
"You're coming to take me back to the castle?" I asked him.
"Yes, that is correct."
"Why?"
"We need you here with us."
"I don't understand Father, why are you coming here to get me? Why are you making me come back?"
"This is a decision that the Elders have made Bella, it is not your place to question it."
"I think I have a right to know." I told him, feeling the anger in me rise.
"It is your duty to be here with us, we have indulged your... experiment long enough. You will be coming back with us."
"Father..." I started to speak again.
"This isn't up for discussion Bella. Be ready for your departure in two days." He ordered me.
"You can't do this, I have done nothing wrong!"
"Of course you haven't dear one, and we can do this. Be ready." He told me finally and hung up the phone.
I was furious. Why would they make me come back? Why wouldn't they just ask me to come back, I've always done everything they've ever asked me to do, what has changed?
I needed answers.
"Demitri." I said as soon as he picked up his phone. "What is going on!"
"The Elders have decided that you need to be back here with us Bella." He told me, his voice was cold and dejected.
"Why?"
"I am not in a position to question authority. Perhaps you should do as you were told, and be prepared to leave."
"Demitri!" I yelled at him. "Why are you acting like this? Tell me what is happening!"
"I will you see you in two days Bella." He said authoritatively, then like everyone else had been doing to me all day, he hung up the phone.
The anger I had felt before was nothing compared to the absolute rage that was coursing through my body now. I was so caught up in my fury I didn't realize until it was too late that I had crushed my phone in the palm of my hand. Looking down, I slowly opened my hand, as the dust of my mobile phone scattered all over the floor.
They were afraid. Just as Felix had told me. They were afraid and they were going to force me, force their hand and make me go with them. They were treating me like any other nomad they had ever demanded and ordered around.
The Cullen's.
This had all started and was because of the Cullen's.
The box.
The box had answers in it, and right now I needed answers.
Running to my room, I grabbed the box out of my closet and went and sat on my bed. Nerves erupted in my stomach as I placed the rectangle on my lap, rubbing over the top of it with my hand.
Once I opened this box, if the contents in it were any proof – as Jacob had indicated – everything would change. I could feel how significant this box was, the weight of it heavy on my legs.
Gingerly I lifted the lid, and set it down beside me.
There were stacks of journals, photo albums and various other things neatly tucked away and organized in the container.
I scooted myself back, further on the mattress and crossed my legs. Setting the box down in front of my, I took a deep breath, then with a shaky hand I reached in and pulled out the envelope that laid on top.
It was addressed to 'Jake', scrawled across the top in messy handwriting.
What was written inside was my undoing.
Jake,
Hey. I hope you never get this, but if you are reading it, it means that something bad has happened, and I'm so sorry! You know I love you more than anything in the world right?, but Jake I had to do this for me. I hope you understand. I'm sure you know now that I didn't go to college in London, I lied to you about that and I'm sorry. I can't tell you where I went, it would put you in danger, but know that I am completely ok with whatever has happened! I needed peace Jacob, you know what from, and I went to find it.
I wish I could have told you, but I knew you would never have let me leave. I had to do this Jake, I had to do it for me, please try and understand. If you're reading this it's probably because, well, like I said, it's not good, and since this won't get to you for 5 years, I'm sure you've already assumed as much. Please don't do anything reckless or stupid! It won't change ANYTHING! Please Jacob. Promise.
I love you, you are my best friend, and I love you so much Jake! Take care of yourself and Billy, and watch out for my dad k? And don't tell him I sent this to you.
Bye Jake, Love you.
Bells
I stared at the last line, at the signature at the bottom, and felt my world shift.
Laying the letter down, I reached in and grabbed the first thing that my fingers touched. I pulled out a cheap, beat up picture album. It was dirty and smelled like grease.
When I opened the cover my breath caught in my throat as I stopped breathing.
There in full color was a picture of Jacob and a very human looking version of myself, laughing as they sat very closely together, hand in hand.
Flipping through the pictures, I found several more of them, just the same.
A graduation picture of a group of people, all human, whom I had never seen or meet before, and with the human girl standing next them.
A man in a wheelchair, with Jacob and the same girl along with another older man standing next to her, with his arm wrapped around her.
Wedding photos of the same older gentlemen, and pictures of the reception, all of them having Jacob and the girl in them.
The list went on and the photos continued as they documented different moments through several years of events that I had no recollection of.
All of them containing the same person, the same girl, the human girl that looked like me – that was me.
I flipped the book closed and jumped off of the bed, backing myself away from it and out my door as if it were alive and going to attack me.
How could this be? How could everything Jacob had said to me be true? Why don't I remember him? These people don't look like they don't care about me, they look happy, they look like they all care for each other, love each other. That doesn't add up with anything I've been told!
Then another thought assaulted me, if Jacob had been right about knowing me, about us being friends.
Then, had Edward been right too? Was he telling me the truth as well?
I slowly walked back into the room and stared at the box, scared that I would find out he had been right. Scared at what I might find out – scared that if I didn't look right now, I may never get to know.
I wasn't ready to see any more pictures, and assuming the other albums in the box were full of them, I pulled them out and set them aside, leaving them unopened.
I went for the journals, and slowly cracked one open. The first one was about a lot of things, nothing mentioning Jacob or Edward. Rants of a young teenage girl who vented on paper rather than in person. I found myself laughing at the silly and trivial things that this girl found detrimental and important in her young years.
There was a large gap in writing, and when it picked back up again, the girl had noticeably matured. She wrote about her mother,and her mothers new husband. How she loved them and found that keeping her mother away from her husband had made her sad.
She wrote that she was sending herself off to live with her dad, in a state that she hated and in a town that never stopped raining.
She was going to be miserable, she knew it but went anyway.
Several weeks went by before another entry was made. Her first day in forks, her fathers inability to cook anything descent, and her abhorrence about her first day of school.
The following entry was... everything.
His name is Edward Cullen.
The words jumped off the page, slamming into my brain, I was completely unprepared.
I couldn't help myself after that, I began to read through the passages quickly, specific lines jumping out at me, things that made my heart start.
Paragraphs and lines that told me the story – my story, I realized as I read, from the beginning through to the end.
When he stared at me, his expression was hostile; furious and his eyes were black – coal black.
His fingers were ice-cold, like he'd been holding them in a snowdrift, but that wasn't why I jerked my hand away from him so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand, as if an electric current had passed through us.
I'm consumed by the mystery of Edwards presence, and more than a little obsessed by Edward himself.
I dreamt of Edward Cullen.
I watch as his golden eyes grow perceptibly darker day by day.
He must see how absorbed I am by him, he's interesting... and brilliant... and mysterious... and perfect... and beautiful... and possibly able to life full-sized vans with one hand.
It's hard to believe that someone so beautiful can be real, I'm afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke and I will wake up.
…
He'd said that the Cullen's "didn't come here." but his tone had implied something more – that they weren't allowed; they were prohibited.
Could the Cullen's be vampires? Well, they were something. Whether it be Jacob's cold ones or my own superhero theory, Edward Cullen was not... human. He is something more.
…
I didn't know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I know – if I know – I can do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I think of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, and the magnetic force of his personality, I want nothing more than to be with him right now.
The decision was ridiculously easy to live with. Dangerously easy. I should be afraid – I know I should be afraid, but I can't feel the right kind of fear.
…
It was amazing how instantaneously the choking fear had vanished, amazing how suddenly the feeling of security washed over me – even before I was off the street – as soon as I heard his voice.
…
Three things I am absolutely positive. First, Edward is a vampire. Second, there is a part of him – and I don't know how dominant that part might be – that thirsted for my blood. And third, I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
When I read the lines of this last paragraph, I audibly gasped as I let the book drop from my hands.
"You loved me too." Edwards words played in my head.
How can this be true? How can any of this be true! Everything that I've known and believed all these years... where they all lies?
I reached down and pick up the journal again.
It is a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body. I can't explain it right... but he's even more unbelievable behind the face.
…
Did they know that I knew? His family? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew or not?
…
When he grins his crooked smile at me, it stops my breath and my heart. I can't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.
…
My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It is an impossibility.
…
Edward in the sunlight is shocking. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterdays hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He was beautiful.
…
I know at any moment it could be too much, and my life could end – so quickly that I might not even notice, and yet, I can't make myself be afraid.
…
He pressed his marble lips very softly against mine.
…
He was a different Edward than the one I had known before today, and I felt all the more besotted by him. It will cause me physical pain to be separated from him now.
I'd rather die than be with anyone but him.
…
The profession of love was overwhelming me. I couldn't breath, it was all so consuming. I finished reading through the first journal, page after page of accounts of their love, their time spent together.
It was fascinating to me that the possibility could even be true, that a vampire had allowed himself to become involved with a human and that he did nothing to her ever that would cause her harm. I didn't believe that there was anyone with such restraint in our kind.
I believe that Bella had loved Edward, evening knowing what she did about him and his family.
The next journal took on a decidedly different tone however. The beginning was much the same, the account of their summer together and the start of their senior year. But it wasn't long into the journal that the story stopped all together. There was a huge gap in the dates, several months had passed when the writer finally picked up the pen again.
My chest began to ache with her words...
Edward had kissed me goodbye. When I finally realized this it had been too late. The kiss had a painful edge, as if it were the last, as if we would not see each other again...
When he smiled my favorite crooked smile, it was all wrong, it didn't reach his eyes...
We walked into the forest, just along the trail right by my house that day. The day my world ended. I will always remember what he said to me, forever as it's burned in my mind and splintered in my heart.
I don't want you
You're not good for me, Bella.
I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me.
It will be as if I'd never existed.
Time heals all wounds for your kind.
I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted.
Goodbye, Bella, take care of yourself
I followed him, with shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my actions were useless, but I walked forward without thinking. I could do nothing else, I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking for him, it was over.
Love, Life, Meaning... over.
…
I saw no reason for fear anymore. I couldn't imagine anything in the world that there was left to be afraid of. It was one of the advantages of losing everything. I'm not suicidal though. Even in the beginning, when death unquestionably would have been a relief, I never considered it.
…
In the instant that I heard his voice, everything was very clear. Like my head had suddenly surfaced out of some dark pool. I must be going crazy.
…
The words were poured out in heartbreaking succession. It was difficult to read, this sadness, but I continued on, feeling deeply sorry for this girl and her pain, and feeling horribly connected to her as my chest writhed with hers.
The anger was what I wanted to hear – false, fabricated evidence that he cared, a dubious gift from my subconscious.
I don't feel like the pain has weakened over time, rather that I've grown strong enough to bear it.
I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before.
I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now – if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it – I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I am sure that I will feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I deserved.
Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted... but he was out there, somewhere, I had to believe that.
I've lived through the worst thing possible. In comparison with that, why should anything frighten me now? I should be able to look death in the face and laugh.
…
Normal memories are still dangerous. If I let myself slip up, I'll end up with my arms clutching around my chest to hold it together.
I am like a lost moon – my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster movie scenario of desolation – that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind.
One thing I truly knew – knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest – was how love gave someone the power to break you.
I wanted to weep, but I kept reading the journals, even as hard as it was sometimes to keep turning the pages, I managed to get through them all.
As I neared the end, and upon reaching the last page was where I found my absolute truth, my proof, my inability to deny any of this any longer.
It was there, spelled out in black and white.
The final journal entry, the one with all the answers – the last one.
September 12, 2007
I'm leaving tomorrow. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement, I'm practically crawling out of my skin.
It took me all this time to find out what I needed to know; to find them, but I finally did.
I know everything. Since this is my last journal entry I figure it's finally safe to let myself 'say' the words.
I know you lied to me. I didn't know for a long time, I didn't find out until after Damon and I broke up, but I know you lied.
I found all my things, my photos from my scrape book, the tickets and my CD.
I'm not really sure why it took me so long to figure it out, or why finding all of my things in the floorboards was the catalyst, but it was and I know now.
I don't understand why you did what you did, now I guess that's what hurts the most. Knowing that you did love me, but left anyway. I don't think I'll ever understand that. In some ways it was easier to believe that you didn't love me anymore and left so that I could move on; like you told me I should.
Like you did.
Yes, this is harder some days.
Regardless it's not the reason I'm doing what I'm doing, and it doesn't change anything, I'm still doing this for me. Not for you and not to get you back, for me; it's what I always wanted, nothing has changed that, not even you leaving.
I know your reasoning's for not wanting to change me yourself, your fear for my soul and your thoughts about your own. It seems silly that this fact – the existence of your soul – has ever been in question, even as a vampire, you have the most beautiful soul; more beautiful than your brilliant mind and your incomparable face. This should never have been the thing to hold you back; to hold me back.
I'd hoped that if we were to ever meet in the future, after I'd been changed and become better than my current self, that you wouldn't have been too disappointed that I had chosen to become one of you. That we could have possibly been friends. I would have asked that of you, but since you are reading this, I know it doesn't matter now.
There were only two possibly outcomes for me in this life, to live forever and hope that I would someday get to see your face again, and the other – death. I have come to terms with either possibility. Death isn't something that I'm looking forward to or, hoping for for that matter, but I can no longer live in a world without you.
And, if you are reading this, it means that Jacob actually listened to me for once.
I want you to promise me something Edward. I want you to promise me that you won't do anything reckless or stupid, do you understand what I'm saying to you? There is no reason for you to feel responsible, and I would hate it if you did something stupid out of guilt. I know how you are, please, promise me.
I'm leaving for Italy tomorrow to meet with the Volturi. I am going to ask them to change me. I have nothing to offer them, but I'm hoping they will anyway. I figure it is my safest and fastest way to get what I want from them, they can't be all that bad if Carlisle was with them once.
Since you are reading these, there are some things that I want you to know. I had all of these sent to Jacob, with instructions for him to deliver them to you. Of course I fully expected and gave Jake permission to read them - all except this one, but they are yours. I wanted you to have them.
I realize some of the things I wrote about will not be of interest to you, and I hope they don't hurt or bother you to read them, but I wanted you to know everything that you missed. That sounds callous, and I don't mean it that way, but I do want you to know, even though you didn't care to be around while it was all happening and still don't.
You were and are a very important part of my life, I am who I am because of your presence, because of what I learned about you and subsequently about myself. We only had a moment in time, but it was more than anything I have ever or will ever experience, I wanted you to know, and I want to thank you for that.
I'm hoping that through my change, and I know this goes against everything else that I have said and will say to you, but I'm hoping the pain of you leaving will disappear with all my other human traits, that I will not remember as clearly as I do now. That I will forget most of everything all together that was painful after you left. I believe that it is the only way to live without you. I know that you loved me once, but I don't know if I'll ever see you again, and I don't want to live an eternity missing you. You told me once that human memories fade after you've been changed, I'm banking on that now. At least where you're concerned.
I love you forever Edward. I have always loved and always will love you. I forgive you for leaving me, I wish you could have told me; been honest with me, but I know in your own way it shows me that you cared, even if it was only a little and even though you were wrong.
Goodbye Edward,
Bella
(6/2/11)
