Dear Candy,
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch for a while, but I've been really busy going backwards and forwards. I've recently completed my second tour of Afghan where I'd been training new medics. Apparently I do an alright job as I wasn't sacked on my first day or anything!
I've not been back long, just a few weeks but I'm being flown out to Sierra Leone to help with the Ebola Crisis-I've probably just gone as you're reading this. I was handpicked to join them-little old me! I can't say it's gonna be a walk in the park and I'm bloody scared but we've been training hard in Yorkshire for the last week so we know what to expect.
I've seen some awful presentations on what this horrible disease can do-ripping families apart with nothing you can do about it. It's certainly made me feel more grateful about what I have and the people who love me. I've though a lot about you this week, still wishing I could have done more to save Smurf, feeling helpless like those families. I'll always feel partly responsible I suppose.
The thing is I loved Smurf to bits, you know that. He was my best mate and I would have done anything for him. But I need to put things right as it's eating me up inside.
I know you sent him your engagement ring and he did say he loved me and made out he wanted to marry me but I never loved him in 'that way' you know. Yes I wore the ring around my neck for days, weeks, months even but only as I had promised him that I'd keep it safe until he needed it. Bit stupid hey even after he was gone, so everyone assumed me and him were an item, all loved up and that. But we weren't, especially as he knew before he died that I was in love with someone else. I know you're probably wanting to shout and scream or punch me in the face or something for leading people on but I want you to know the truth.
Truth is, I'm seeing someone else, someone I fell in love with on that tour. I didn't plan it and nothing happened until we came back but Smurf had come to terms with it and we were still best mates, planning on our trip to Las Vegas before it all went to shit.
This man is the only person who could truly understand and he's helped and supported me along the way. You're probably shouting who is this bastard and this is the tricky part, as its Captain James-Charles James. I know he's been a big part of your life for trying to save Geraint and now maybe you've got some sort of love/hate feeling towards him after Smurf but he's a good man who's tried his best.
I know there's nothing that can bring your boys back, but Smurf still lives on in my memories and my heart, like I'm sure they do in yours. I don't want you to hate us but I totally understand if you do, though I would like to keep in touch, so I'll leave that open to you.
It felt wrong wearing your engagement ring round my neck after Charles and I got together, but I kept it safe like I promised until I had a heart to heart with one of my friends.
Jackie, she's a fellow medic and served with Geraint on that tour, I knew that she knew him but how well I wasn't sure. Well it turned out that her and Geraint had a bit of a thing going-obviously a secret with no funny business allowed, you know rules and regulations and that. They were going to make it official when they got back but instead she had to deal with his broken body when it was returned to Bastion. She'd never told anyone before-she'd had to hide it all away in the back of her mind to get on with her job and deal with her emotions to work-typical army.
So knowing how much she loved him and still does in a way, I thought she was a more worthy owner of your ring than I was. I know it wasn't mine to give but I hoped you might approve knowing how dearly loved Geraint was before he died. I don't know, it felt right at the time. If you want it back, I understand that too and can contact Jackie to send it back to you.
They say that "All's fair in Love and War" but both you and I know that's not true, that's why I had to take a chance on love as it's one of the few things that's still good on this earth. I finally feel happy, something to look forward to and I hope that Smurf is watching it all-probably taking the piss out of me!
I haven't got the details of the address of my new posting yet, but I can write you again with it. I hope by reading this it's given me a chance to explain, whether you think it's right or wrong that's for you to decide, but you deserved to know.
I'll always be there for you if you need me, to that I promise, even if you just want to cry or shout.
Your friend, always.
Molly
x
