Chapter 28: A Past Once Unspoken
(Alternatively, The Fear Within Humanity
Author's Note: I am so sorry I haven't posted in so damn long. I got caught up in other things, gotten sick twice in a very short time(I'm currently getting better, but still ill at the moment), been dealing with my sister's kids since she moved back in(I have no idea when they are moving out), and have also recently been dealing with the stress of learning that I may lose another of my siblings to failing lungs if my sibling can't get on disability and get on the transplant list. It's been a very stressful time for me and I also put in an application recently for a job. All of that being said, I have not forgotten this and I'm eternally grateful for all of the patience you guys have had with me.
(Shikaku's POV)
Watching his oldest son, Shikaku is uncertain of the reason for the young man's turn in attitude. It's nothing drastic, nothing alarming or even disturbing, but it is strange, this sudden peace that Shikamaru seems to have found in the wake of his last C-RANK mission. Before the mission, his son, even with all his friends, had always had this air of loneliness, melancholy, and mild tension that he never seemed to be rid of until now. It had not and still does not make sense, but the peace and tranquility Shikamaru carries now makes even less sense. Why now, after all of these years, is his boy finally relaxing completely? What has changed for his son and why is it so important?
He doesn't want to pry, because this is Shikamaru, his boy who is quiet and secretive and so horribly hurt in spirit that Shikaku fears pushing too hard. He fears that he may push away his son, his and Yoshino's miracle who lives up to the stubborn nature he'd had before he'd even been born. And, as if reading his thoughts, his boy looks up from the shōgi board to look him straight in the eyes. After several long seconds, Shikamaru huffs in quiet amusement, a tiny, cat-like noise that Shikaku rolls his eyes at as his son smirks and rasps, "I'm not sure what's got you going in circles, but you can ask if you're that worried. It's not like I'll bite off your head for asking me questions."
"I know that, Shikamaru, but you do have a tendency to not answer if you do not wish to talk about something," Shikaku answers.
"I'm in a good mood today. If you ask, you may just get an answer. That won't happen if you keep the question to yourself though."
Shikaku lets out a hoarse laugh, "I swear, you get more like me every time I turn around."
This gets him a barked laugh, a lopsided smile, a warming of those dark, dark eyes from his son(something he still considers a victory to this day) and the boy murmurs as he finally moves his piece forward, "I am your son. So it should be obvious that I'm going to be like you. Anyway, are you going to ask or not?"
Shikaku sighs softly, trying to figure out how to phrase his question. Eventually the man simply queries, "What changed after that mission? After you came back to the village, but not home?"
Shikamaru's eyes shutter and he is quiet for so long that Shikaku begins to think that this is one of those things that the boy will not open up about, but then... he sighs, long and low and maybe even a little tired like. His son's lashes lift minutely and he gets a glimpse of the dark shadows that his boy normally hides from the world. Immediately, Shikaku asks, "Do you want to drop the subject, son?"
Shikamaru shakes his head and sighs again before murmuring, "I haven't really told you or kaa-san anything, have I?"
Confused, Shikaku draws his head back, canting it to one side slightly to study his child. Eventually he murmurs back, "We have never asked you for more than you're willing to give, Shikamaru. We never will either. Your kaa-san and I understand that you have difficulties in talking about that past of yours and we understand that you may not be able to ever fully tell the whole story or even a quarter of it in the end. We know enough to understand you and that's all we need."
Shikamaru smiles sadly, "No, it's not enough. To truly understand, I'd have to tell you the whole story, but that would take a long time and a lot of background story would have to be covered. I can tell you a little though. Enough to give you a glimpse of the world that was."
Shikaku nods slowly, "If that's what you want to do son then I'm listening, but don't say anymore then you are comfortable with saying. I don't want you pushing yourself to do this if it causes you too much discomfort."
"I know," the smaller, younger Nara rasps, "and that's why I can say anything at all when normally I would say nothing. Anyway, I'm going to start now, but I'll try to answer any questions you have as we go."
Shikaku nods and watches as his son leans back a little, eyes drifting away from him, away from the present and into a past that no one else has ever been able to touch. The younger Nara's eyes slip shut and, when they finally open again, it is not Shikamaru who looks out at him. It is the fallen, broken man he'd once been. The man whose name has never been spoken and may never be spoken by anyone in this life. There is silence for a short moment followed by a soft sigh and a statement, "You wanted to know why things changed."
"If you are willing to talk about it, yes." Shikaku can't help but think that his son sounds different, more direct and to the point. Perhaps even more mature than he already is. It's easy to see the man in the child.
The man blinks slowly before he nods, "You know that my first kill in this life was made on that C-RANK, yes?"
"Of course. Though, technically it wasn't a C-RANK due to the presence of enemy combatants who should have been far above your team's ability to cope with."
"Except they underestimated the lengths we were all willing to go to protect ourselves and our teammates," the other man says simply, maybe even a little flatly. "I have no problem with killing to protect the people I care about. I do not enjoy it, but the weight my conscious bears is minimal. However, that is not the reason behind the suffering my teammates and Asuma saw or my subsequent recovery."
He pauses for a moment and then, "I found a remnant, a reminder, of my time where I expected to find none. For all that this life has been helping me learn and grow and heal in ways that time never could, my grief is still a living thing. I lost everything; my world, my home, my family, the people I fought so hard for to protect. All of it forever gone within an instant. Or so I thought until I found that remnant of a time that means nothing to the people here."
"Anyway–" the other man waves away his previous words as if they are inconsequential– "that remnant was an emotional shock to me. It tore open wounds that I'd thought were healed enough to no longer bleed, but it is only part of the reason behind the change. The biggest part is due to someone else. I will not name names for the sake of the other's privacy, but they tended to and stayed with me despite not knowing me during the time when I all I felt was emotional exhaustion. More than that, however, is the fact that this person has been unfailing supportive in a way that I had forgotten that I needed ever since then. My friends here are wonderful beyond a shadow of a doubt, but they have a tendency to pry when they think I need to talk.
"And sometimes that is necessary, but more often than not I simply need to have someone there as a distant, yet watchful, presence. The person who found me that day has become that." His lips twitch slightly, the barest hint of a wry smile, as he huffs, "Apparently, I have a pessimistic view when it comes to people and the kindness that they give freely. Though, I don't think I can be blamed for having such an outlook. After all, it's not like many people were kind to people like me out of the goodness of their hearts back when the world was different."
"Why? What could you have possibly done to deserve false kindness? And why do you say 'someone like me'?" Shikaku queries, hoping that he is not pushing too hard.
"I existed," the other man says simply and Shikaku would have reared back in shock if not for the fact that the still unnamed male continues without pause. "There were people like me who were stronger, faster, and, sometimes, smarter than the average person. There were ways of telling us apart for other people as well, but that doesn't really matter right now. Point is that people fear and/or hate all that is different from them and what people fear and hate they attack. Or, in my case, they try and fail.
"Which either ends in them giving up or becoming more determined in their attacks. But, regardless of how it ends, all the people involved become even more wary of the other side. For someone like me it translated into wanting to be around those who could be considered 'normal' as little as possible. For the 'normal' people it means that they would just be more uncomfortable and fearful." The other man holds up a hand to forestall the words that nearly burst from Shikaku as he smiles bitterly, "I know what you're thinking and I agree, but what is right or fair doesn't really matter to people who are afraid."
He sighs softly, sadly, "It never has and it never will. I'm sure you've seen it too. The way certain people view Shinobi with fear or anger. For humanity has always feared what it doesn't understand."
Author's Note 2: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I'd like you to know that I'm working on another Neji/Shika oneshot. Hopefully the boys will start talking to me again and I'll be able to finish it soon, but for now I'm just hitting the metaphorical brick wall. Cheers everyone. I hope your holiday was a great one and that you had a safe New Year's Day.
