Any when. TARDIS. Any time.
"That was a close one," Jack said as he climbed to his feet and brushed off his coat.
The Doctor, already at the console steering the time ship into the vortex, nodded in agreement. "Yes it was, but there is this problem," he paused dramatically as a mischievous grin slowly grew across his face, "I'm still it." His body tensed, ready to dash down the ramp toward his target.
Jack lifted his arm and held his fingers over the vortex manipulator strapped around his wrist. "Time to bring this game a little closer to home," he said with a wink and vanished in a puff of smoke.
"Ooo!" The Doctor exclaimed and pulled the sonic screwdriver out of his jacket pocket. "Think you can hide in my own TARDIS, do you?" He waved the sonic in the air until the sonic began beeping a steady beep.
Holding the sonic straight out in front of him with a raised eyebrow look of determination, the Doctor slowly crept down the hall into the depths of the TARDIS, not only because Jack could be anywhere, but anything could be lurking behind any door. Not even he could be sure what.
The beeping on the sonic began to beep faster as the Doctor approached a door. Slipping the sonic back into his jacket pocket, the Doctor stood ready in front of the door with his hand hovering over the release button on the wall.
With a deep breath, he opened the door.
Bright sunlight flooded around the Time Lord and into the dimly lit hall. The Doctor raised his hand and shielded his squinting eyes as he stared across a barren desert landscape. Numerous tall rectangular shapes rose up along the distant horizon like the skyscrapers of a vast city.
"What?" The Doctor said aloud. "This looks like…planet Vogon? Naw. Can't be!"
He took a step forward and as soon as his foot landed on the yellow desert ground, a flat paddle flew up out of the sand like whip and slapped the Doctor square on the face. Just as quickly as it appeared, the paddle disappeared.
"Ow!" The Doctor exclaimed in shock and pain as he held his aching nose. "What the…?"
The paddle reappeared and slapped the Doctor again. Fortunately, his hand was still guarding his nose, but not so fortunate, the paddle cracked right across the back of his hand.
"Ow!" He rubbed the back of his hand and glared wildly around the otherwise empty desert looking for the source of the attacking paddle. Then he had a thought. "I think I know what this is!"
SLAP!
"Blimey! Now stop that this instant!" The Doctor yelled as he rubbed his cheek. "I'm trying to think here!"
SLAP!
"That. Is. It!" He clenched his fists in anger and formulated a quick little plan. Grab the sonic. Use it to hopefully distract those blasted paddles. Step back through the door. It sounded like a great plan, but it did require three separate thoughts.
SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
The Doctor doubled over, nearly seeing stars after being punished so for having three thoughts in a row. He buried his head in his arms and staggered backward through the door. He tripped on the threshold and landed flat on his back on the TARDIS hall floor.
Quickly, he kicked up his foot and hit the button to close the door sealing off those horrible paddles for good…hopefully.
He breathed a sigh of relief even though his face still stung from being slapped so hard. "Blimey," he said, but caught his breath when he realized he was not alone.
Jack stood not too far down the hall holding his stomach in laughter. "Hahaha!" He slapped his knee. "I knew you wouldn't last thirty seconds in there!"
"Oh, very funny," the Doctor grumbled as he climbed to his feet.
"Hilarious!" Jack winked and vanished.
The Doctor dashed down the hall with a beeping sonic in hand and skidded to a stop in front of another door that, like all hallway doors in the TARDIS, looked the same as the other.
Taking a bit of caution this time, the Time Lord opened the door and jumped back as he peered through the door. He stared at a group of five men each about half his height wearing torn and dirty clothes standing in a tight cluster around a sixth man and young boy in the middle of a dark forest.
"Ahhh!" They screamed and shielded their eyes from the light of the TARDIS hallway. "He's found us, Randall! The Supreme Being has found us! Run!" But instead of running away, they ran around in all different directions in a frenzied panic.
The boy simply stood in place and looked terrified.
The one called Randall by all the others held a large rolled up paper in his hands that he shook towards the Doctor. "It was an accident! Please go easy on us," He pleaded. "We meant to give the map right back to you. I swear!"
"What?" The Doctor stood in the doorway staring down at the men, who had finally stopped running in circles and stood blinking up at him. "Who the hell are you?" The Doctor asked. "And what are you doing in my ship?"
"Ship?" Randall asked, his demeanor switching from fear to curiosity. "What do you mean, 'ship'?"
"My space ship. You are on it. How did you get here?" The Doctor rested a fist on his hip as he waited for an answer.
"Randall," one of the men said as he tugged on Randall's sleeve. "I don't think he's the Supreme Being."
"No, I don't think so either, Strutter," Randall said out of the corner of his mouth to Strutter while keeping his eyes on the Doctor. He smiled and walked up to the Time Lord. "You're standing in a time portal. How did you get there?"
The Doctor mouthed the words 'time portal' and scratched his head in thought.
"RETURN THE MAP!" A deep voice boomed through the forest that lit up with a bright white light.
This new presence renewed the frenzied panic in the men. "Ahhh! That's him, really him this time! The Supreme Being!" However, instead of running in circles, they ran toward the Doctor rushing around him and spilling into the TARDIS hallway.
"RETURN THE MAP!"
The Doctor's own eyes widened as the large glowing face floated slowly toward him. He reached out and slapped the button remaining still until the door slid solidly back into place.
"Thank you, mister," the boy said and offered a small smile. "I'm Kevin."
The confused Time Lord turned to the boy and raised his eyebrow. "Nice to meet you, Kevin. I'm the Doctor. Now, would you mind telling me what's going on here?"
"Oh, well you see we have this ma…" Kevin started to say but was cut off when Randall clamped his hand over Kevin's mouth.
"What Kevin is trying to say here, is that we're just travelers," Randall said with his best convincing smile. "Sightseers, you know. Tourists."
"Uh huh." The Doctor frowned, not believing a single word. Then he noticed that just down the hall, two men were prying off the gold trim around a panel on the wall. "Oi! Stop that!" He started off after them, but they turned and ran.
Before the Doctor could stop any of them, all six of the little thieves ran down the hall pulling Kevin along with them. He was about to run after them when he heard a familiar voice.
"Better keep an eye on them, Doc," Jack said. He leaned against the wall with his arms crossed wearing the smuggest of smug grins. "Their known as the Time Bandits, a name they came up with themselves, and they'll take apart this ship if they think it's worth anything."
The Doctor's mouth dropped open and he already looked exhausted from all the running he knew he was about to do.
"Now that you'll have your hands full for a while and the TARDIS has landed, I'll be off." Jack smiled. "Just remember one thing…you're still it!" He vanished in a puff of smoke.
.
.
To be continued!
