Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, but I do own Jemma and my plot/
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength. - Charles Spurgeon
"Spencer, are you sure it won't hurt the baby?" Jemma asked for the eighth time that morning.
Reid sighed. They had been having this conversation since he suggested they do a DNA test in utero. Of course Jemma, being the pro-lifer that she was and being under-exposed to the wonders of modern science in her tiny hometown, had fought tooth and nail against the idea. She had finally given in when he told her that he couldn't stand to not know, not knowing things was something Reid just couldn't handle. Jemma had agreed to the test, not wanting to watch him suffer, but on the condition that he call the doctor's office and have that awkward conversation himself.
What Reid did not realize was that Jemma's objection to the test was not only based on her religious beliefs or her lack of knowledge in the field of science, but on a much deeper fear. If this test proved that Spencer was not the father, despite what he had promised her, he might leave her to do this alone. Jemma was ashamed to even have such a fear, but it was there. She knew she was strong and independent, but lately she found herself being quite clingy and needy. Reid told her it was because of her hormones, carefully avoiding any mention of how clingy she had been after being attacked.
"Are you ready, Mrs. Reid?" the young, blonde nurse asked.
"It's Cavanaugh." Jemma corrected her, then looked to Spencer once more and asked, "It really won't hurt him? Cuz I read that he can feel pain now and-"
"Jemma," Reid said, giving her shaky hand a squeeze. "It's just a needle. It might hurt him for a second, but only as much as it'll hurt you, it's-" He paused for a second to notice how much Jemma was shaking. "You're afraid of needles, aren't you?"
"No." Jemma lied. "I'm not afraid of them, they just make me a bit uncomfortable. I'm more worried about the baby."
"Most mothers aren't actually upset by the pain their children feel when getting needles, it's hearing them cry, and you can't hear him cry in there so-"
"He can- HOLY FUCK!" Jemma screamed as the nurse jabbed the needle into her belly. She closed her eyes tightly as the nurse drew back the plunger then removed the needle.
"See, it's not that bad." Reid said when Jemma opened her eyes. "And yeah, the baby can cry in the womb."
"Really?" Jemma asked, turning onto her side and pulling her shirt down to cover her bump. "What else can he do?"
"Well, he can dream." Reid said, helping Jemma stand up and leading her out of the room.
"That's so cool." Jemma said as she quickly signed the paperwork at the receptionist's desk. "But what does he dream about? I mean, it's not like he's ever actually seen anything."
Reid scratched his arm where the same nurse had taken a vial of blood from him for the tests. He realized now that it was probably unfair to judge Jemma's fear of needles, but at least there was a rational explanation for why he was shaking when he remembered injecting dilaudid in that exact same spot.
Leave it to Jemma to ask a question he had no answer for though. Not wanting to admit that it was simply a random fact floating around in his head, and not a topic he was an expert on, he replied, "Well, no one really knows since they can't exactly ask a fetus what it's dreaming. I'm guessing it's probably more auditory than visual though. He can hear in there, but sight is the last sense to develop once a baby is born. Why don't you know these things? You're the one that's pregnant."
Jemma had been ready to open the passenger door of Reid's rusty blue Toyota when she froze and tried to fight back her words. Her temper, and possibly her hormones got the best of her though and she exploded. "I don't know," she spat. "Maybe it's because I'm stupid!"
"What? You're not stupid, I just thought that you would have at least read a book or two about pregnancy after you found out." Reid said, but the damage was already done and his words were not exactly an apology.
Jemma sighed and got into the passenger seat. The entire ride home, she turned away from Spencer and stared silently out the window.
This pregnancy thing really got to her when she was not keeping her mind occupied. Not that she was not excited, she was overwhelmed with happiness at the thought of bringing a life into this world, it was the circumstances that were bothering her. All through Jemma's adolescence, she watched as her classmates got pregnant and dropped out of school, becoming stuck in Morrow Springs forever. She had promised herself that she would never be caught in that situation, she would get her education and marry a good guy who had a decent job and treated her right before she ever had children. So much for that thought. Jemma knew that her circumstances were different now, but it did not stop her feeling like the dumbest girl in the world.
How could she have been so stupid? She had had unprotected sex when she knew all the possible consequences. Not to mention, she had had sex in the first place after she had made a promise to God that she would wait until she was married. Yep, she was stupid.
Spencer sighed and looked away from the the case file that laid spread out across the desk in his home office. It was rare that he could not concentrate on a case, and when that rarity occurred, he usually worked out whatever problem was plaguing his complex mind then went right back to the case. This was an exception though. Jemma had hid away in the bedroom since the moment they returned from the doctor's office and refused to talk to him.
He knew it was his fault. In hindsight, he saw how his words could have been interpreted as an insult to Jemma's intelligence. It was an honest question though and he had wanted an answer. When Jemma had not answered, it had only created more questions in Spencer's mind.
A sudden beeping noise jolted Reid from his deep thoughts. He looked to the left corner of his mahogany desk and grabbed his cell phone. There was a new text message from JJ, informing him that there was a case in Arizona.
With a sigh, Reid got out of his comfortable office chair and crept cautiously down the hallway to the bedroom.
"Jemma?" he squeaked, knocking on the door. "Can I come in?"
"It's your room." he heard her mumble before turning the knob and entering.
Spencer found Jemma hiding under the blankets, only a few wisps of her dark red hair visible from where he stood.
"Jemma..." he said feebly, slowly approaching her. "I uh... I have to go to work, I uh... I've got a case."
"OK." Jemma mumbled beneath the blankets.
Reid sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. He felt strangely guilty. Even though he had only asked an honest question, seeing Jemma upset still hurt him. She'd felt enough pain to last her a lifetime and here he was causing her more. He reached out to Jemma and put his hand on her shoulder, silently begging her to turn over so he could see her beautiful face before he left.
"Jemma, what's wrong?" Reid asked. "I don't want to leave with you angry at me."
"I'm not." Jemma said, still refusing to emerge from the blankets. "I'm angry at myself."
So she was not upset that he had inadvertently called her stupid. Spencer was relieved, but still could not stand to see Jemma so depressed.
"Why are you angry at yourself?" he asked. "Please talk to me, Jem, I can't leave knowing you're upset."
Jemma sighed and rolled over to face Spencer. She sat up and he wrapped an arm around her.
"I can't do this." Jemma said, shaking her head and avoiding eye contact with him.
"What do you mean?"
"I can't be a mother, I'm too young, I'm too stupid, I-"
"Jemma, please don't say that." Spencer said. "You're going to be great. I'm... I'm sorry I said what I did. I didn't mean to question your intelligence, I just-"
"No, Spencer, this isn't your fault." Jemma cut him off. "I just don't know about anything anymore." she said with a sigh.
"I'm sorry."
Jemma forced a small grin. "What have I told you about that word?" she teased, running her fingers through Spencer's hair.
Spencer smiled too, happy to see the old Jemma re-emerging. "Sorry, Jem, I really have to go, the plane's leaving in an hour."
Jemma nodded and entwined her fingers with his. Their relationship had taken an odd turn lately. They had not had sex since the night she had returned to Spencer's apartment and what little physical contact they did have seemed to lack the electricity she once felt. Jemma assumed that whatever contact they had was now purely platonic, Spencer held her hand because they were friends, he cared about her and wanted to be there for her and comfort her.
"There's something I need to ask you before I leave though." Spencer said nervously. This question had been on his mind since he first brought Jemma from Oklahoma. The first time he asked, she refused and he understood, but now with the possibility of Colwyn being so close, he felt the need to ask again, to demand it of her for her own safety. Since Jemma had came to the BAU, claiming to have been followed by the serial killer, Spencer had never went too far on cases, he was always home at night and just a phone call away if Jemma really needed him. He needed to know she would be safe while he was in Arizona for God knows how long. "Have you ever fired a gun?"
"I've used a shotgun a couple times." Jemma replied, unsure as to what Spencer was getting at. "I used to hunt with Joey sometimes."
"Jemma, at the top on my closet, there's a metal box. The key for it is in the nightstand. The gun is already loaded, you just have to turn the safety off. I now it's not the same as a shotgun, but I don't really have the time to show you, and I'm not that good at it myself." Spencer said hurriedly. "If anything goes wrong, don't hesitate to use it."
Jemma looked dumbfounded. "Spencer, I... I don't think I can..." she said. "After seeing Ben Creighton die, I don't think I could kill anyone, not even if they were going to hurt me."
"Please, Jem?" Spencer begged. "This is different, Colwyn wants to do terrible things to you. He already has done terrible things to you."
"Spencer, it's not right for me to kill someone." Jemma insisted. "It's not up to me to decide anyone's fate. It's just wrong."
"Jemma, he's killed over a hundred people!" Spencer cried. "That includes your best friend and your sister. If you can't do it for yourself, at least do it for the baby."
Jemma wrapped her arms around her belly. She thought she might be sick. The thought of the Beast coming anywhere near her baby filled her with fear and hatred. "Alright." she gave in.
"Thank you." Spencer said, pulling Jemma into a tight hug. "I have to go now, Jem."
Jemma let go and nodded. She watched sadly as Spencer walked away.
A week. An entire week and Jemma still had not seen Spencer. Sure he called from Arizona every night and woke her up (even though she swore to him that she had been awake when he called), but phone calls just were not the same. After three days alone in the apartment, Jemma had started visiting Penelope at Quantico every day after work. At first Penelope had warned her against it, advising that she would not want to hear or see anything about the current case the team was on. Jemma had simply shrugged and told her she had lived through worse.
So Garcia permitted Jemma to stay. The two got along quite well. Despite their many differences, Jemma discovered that Garcia also hid her pain and insecurities behind a thick, brightly coloured wall of optimism. Jemma answered all of Penelope's questions about the baby cheerfully, but when she was alone in the apartment with nothing to do but think about her situation, she cried until she could cry no more then exhausted, fell asleep alone in Spencer's bed.
Jemma still felt that she would not be a good mother. How could she believe what Spencer had told her? What did he know about being a parent? He didn't even want to be one.
Maybe Spencer had been right from the very start. Maybe she should put the baby up for adoption. Maybe someone else could give it the life it deserved. What could Jemma possibly have to offer? She was broke, she wasn't even finished her degree. She couldn't even give her child a father or a family. It wasn't fair.
Two weeks. Spencer had been in Arizona for two weeks. Actually, he was in Utah now. Jemma had been in Garcia's office when the team called to inform her that they would be crossing state lines. Jemma had the privilege of hearing every day how gruelling this case was for the team.
The unsub had been raised by his father to be the perfect killer. Since he had never had a birth certificate, driver's licence, previous arrests or anything that was traceable, finding him was nearly impossible. All the team really had to go on was a sketch based on a description given by a victim's six-year-old son. Then of course crossing state lines did not make the situation easier. Switching police forces and dealing with a whole new pile of paperwork without access to the Arizona files was beyond frustrating, even with a genius on the team who could read 2,000 words a minute.
In that week, Jemma made a serious decision. She was scared, but she had made up her mind and went through with it. Two weeks exactly and she was waiting for Spencer to call to tell him her decision. She was just drifting off to sleep on the couch, watching a late night talk show when the phone rang.
"Hello?" Jemma answered, her eyes still shut.
"Hey, Jemma." Reid greeted her. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"No." Jemma mumbled, keeping her eyes closed, imaging Spencer's face.
"OK." he said. "How was your day?"
"Mmmm... it was alright." Jemma replied. "I wish you'd been here though."
Spencer sighed on the other end of the line. "I'm sorry, Jem. I wish I was there too. This case is tiring and I miss you."
Jemma's heart fluttered when she heard Spencer say he missed her.
"Did you get my package today?" he asked.
Jemma giggled, but she knew Spencer had no idea that what he said had a double meaning. "No, I didn't. What did you send?"
"It's a surprise." Spencer said. "You'll see when it gets there."
"Oh, I love surprises!" Jemma said.
"Well, I'm glad you do." Spencer said. "You should get some sleep now though. It's probably not good for the baby to be up this late."
"Alright." Jemma pouted.
"Alright, I'll call you tomorrow." Spencer promised.
"Goodnight." Jemma said.
"Goodnight."
Jemma reluctantly hung up the phone. Gathering the blanket around her, she made her way down the hall to the bedroom. She curled up in bed and resolved to tell Spencer her decision when he called tomorrow night. She hoped he would understand, after all, he was the one who wanted her to put the baby up for adoption in the first place.
A/N: So yeah, that's chapter 28! I'm gonna shut my mouth right now so I don't give anything away.
Oh, my apologies to the Threshold readers. I know I said I would update this week, but I've gotten busy with all kinds of school and graduation stuff, so I don't have the time, energy or even a clue what to do with the story anymore. Last night's episode helped my writer's block a bit and gave me a couple ideas.
Speaking of last night's episode, did anyone else cry when the unsub was imaging Reid saying "Stab me in the neck!"? Cuz I was sobbing my heart out. I really thought it was the end, but then Hotch saved the day. Yay Hotch! Seriously, I never appreciated that man much until last night. He's my hero now though. Maybe I'll do some little one-shot as an homage to the man who saved the life of my beloved. We'll see.
So yeah, reviews please? They've been slowing down lately, but I'd really like to know what everyone thinks. Like honestly, my biggest pet peeve is writing a chapter and getting zero feedback. I'm like, do people want me to continue? Does it suck? I don't know! Ahhhh! Anyway, reviews pretty please, with a cherry on top?
