Emma yelped loudly as the paper to-go cup buckled in on itself, coffee pouring over her arm and across her chest in a blazing fire. She hissed, clenching her teeth until the painful burning passed. She was left staring after the train, which had not waited despite her run, and dripping her fairly expensive Columbian roast.

"Shit." She tossed the cup in the platform trash and did her best to ring her shirt out; ignoring the sympathetic looks from the other platform patrons.

A few days after her birthday Emma had run into Ruby in the grocery store. At first she had hidden, afraid of what her former friend would say to her but eventually loneliness had won out. She had approached and during the tense conversation had not so casually mentioned that she was looking for a new A.S.L teacher. Her plan had worked perfectly; Ruby had frosted over entirely the diva inside of her offended by the thought of her taking lessons with someone else. It had taken her the last two weeks of March to convince Ruby to begin those lessons again and now she would be late for the first one – and covered in coffee.

Great. Just great.

This was life now; try as Emma liked, everything was just slightly off. Heading to work her train would arrive a few minutes early so she would be forced to watch it go by as she ran up the street, cello rapping harshly on the back of her knees. Or perhaps the train would be running late, causing her to jump up and down in anxiety and landing her five minutes late to her destination. She would go to her frequented café looking forward to her favorite blend only to discover the person before her had received the last cup – and the café wouldn't be receiving another shipment of coffee grounds until the following month. Movies she wanted were always rented out at her nearest Redbox. Her freezer had broken but not fully so her landlord wouldn't consent to replace it, so it blew air just cold enough to keep her ice cream semi-firm. She had never received more paper cuts, stubbed toes or bumps on the head than she had since her depressive birthday disaster.

She had never felt quite as swallowed alive as she did now. Chicago had never felt specifically big; she had traveled and moved so much in her life that an expansive urban jungle could not intimidate her. However, suddenly as the numbers of her support circle dwindled back down to - her son - the city seemed to grow, filling with jagged angles and packed sidewalks too busy to find room for her. She had always been the immovable object that the unstoppable force could not jar, only now that force had shoved her out of place.

She didn't know if it was luck, Regina's departure or perhaps of her own making but everything was just – off.

Nervously Emma checked the time and sent Ruby a quick text,

"Missed the train. Covered in coffee. Be five late."

Ruby's response was as brisk as she had been with last two weeks,

"I have somewhere to go after you so hurry up. I can't give you extra time."

Emma rolled her eyes and shoved her phone into her pocket roughly; feeling the small sting Ruby's tone had expressly meant her to feel.

She groaned as she felt her pocket she had stitched up numerous times give and her phone slide through the pouch and into the pant leg of her skinny jeans.

Cursing, she began to jump in place, shaking her leg like a crazy person trying to work the device down to her ankle.

She pulled her phone from the tight space at her foot just as the recently arrived train's doors began to close. She shot an arm through the space and winced as the metal bounced off the skin. Oh, well, she was on the train.

Packed. Nowhere to sit. Of course.

She swore, tipping backward into the glass partition as the train launched her toward downtown.

She arrived at Ruby's doorstep still damp from the coffee and huffing, pleased she was only two minutes late instead of five. "Hey Red."

Eyes narrowed Ruby opened the door to her apartment, allowing Emma in.

"I'm sorry I'm late."

"Clearly you have a reason."

Emma sighed. She wasn't even sure she needed lessons anymore; with no distractions like dating and wanting to impress a particularly pretty deaf woman, Emma's understanding of the language had shot through the roof. Now she could hold standard conversations with her son easily. The problem was, she was fairly sure that outside of her ex-girlfriend there was little call for the language in her life, but she had continued forward out of stubborn animosity never forgetting the look on Regina's face as she challenged, go ahead, tell me about your day.

No, the entire reason she wanted to continue with her lessons was not necessarily because she was so interested in sign language. She just wanted the lessons because it was a good excuse to see her friend again. Perhaps if she tried hard enough, she could resurrect something of a friendship from the ashes. But how would that work if Ruby wouldn't let her guard down and stop being so damned angry with her?

God knew she needed it to work; she couldn't live life this alone.

She stood with Ruby in the middle of the living room for a moment, awkward and unsure.

"So, how do we-"

"Right." Ruby pulled two chairs from the corner and set them facing one another. "Do you remember where we were?"

The first lesson was all business. Every time that Emma tried to stray to more personal topics or, in fact, any topic at all that was not sign language Ruby's eyes would narrow again suspiciously, any professional courtesy leaving them.

The second lesson later that week consisted of Emma sitting in the chair, awkwardly, while Ruby explained more of the basics that Emma already knew.

She hated it.

One of the things Emma had loved best about her friendship with Ruby was they seemed to understand each other from the very beginning. There had never been a phase of awkwardness or discomfort. They had met and instantly become friends. She wanted that back.

"No, that's not the proper order." Ruby scolded, harsher these days than she had ever been before, "Try it again."

Emma let her tired hands fall, "Red, I hate this. Come on, we were never like this."

"Is that about Sign Language?" Ruby's sharp chin jutted through the air, accusing.

"Ruby!"

"Emma, I told you I'm not going to talk to you about Regina!"

"Fine! Let's talk about our friendship. I didn't do anything to you, so will you knock off the wronged woman routine?"

Ruby scoffed, her eyes dark, "you didn't do anything to me? You broke my best friend's heart! That affects me an awful lot."

"I wasn't trying to change her, Red! I was an idiot who got played by Cora because I'm a freaking idiot. I honestly thought that it would make her happy. Yeah also, I was not agreeing to the torture of helpless deaf children. I didn't even know about Cora's bitch of a gift until Regina told me."

The depression had finally evaporated after spending her birthday drowning in it - at long last; but that had only left a condensed layer of anger in its wake. She had made a mistake, yes, but what Regina had done – that was so much worse.

"Whatever, you're paying me to teach you Sign, let's just work."

"Fine!" Emma snapped back.

So they did – tensely - for two more lessons before Ruby exploded again.

"Why are you even here?" Ruby cried, exasperated. "Clearly you've been practicing. Is this just a game to you? Why are you paying me?"

"What? No! Why do you think I'm here?"

"I don't know!" Ruby all but shouted, "You tell me! What's wrong with you?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa lady! I think you're talking about something else here now."

"Of course I'm talking about something else!" Ruby sat with a thud on the couch and glared at Emma.

Emma sighed, her head falling into her hands, a familiar pose for her life now "Look, do you want to get lunch? Can I buy you lunch? I promise not to get dumped by your best friend or conned by your best friend's mother until afterward."

Ruby thought about it for a long minute before sighing and agreeing.


"So, you're mad at me." Emma said, stuffing a few fries into her mouth. "I get it, everyone's mad at me. Regina's mad at me, you're mad at me, even Henry is still a little mad at me. I'm mad at me."

"Well, you're stupid." Emma glared at her friend, insulted. "You are. Emma Swan is stupid. That's just how this little story goes."

"Jesus, Ruby!" Emma put down her burger before she took a bite feeling the ever-present anger flicker, "Can you maybe for one minute think about what was happening on my side of things? I know she's your best friend but can you just freaking try? My girlfriend's mother, her mother Red, had come to me saying this was something that Regina really wanted – I thought I was good at catching people in a lie and I had heard my girlfriend repeatedly say how hard her life had been as a hearing impaired person. I wasn't trying to change her. I thought I was bringing her happiness – I thought I was bringing her something that she wanted - which was all I wanted. I didn't realize I would offend her so deeply. I didn't realize that her mother was a total scheming bitch. She totally fed me this story about wanting to give her daughter everything and about changing the way Regina saw her. I was an idiot for believing it but I wasn't trying to go behind her back, I was trying to surprise her! I didn't realize I was committing a terrible sin. Not until she threw me in the freaking trash, that is."

"Yeah, well it's your fault for listening to Cora. I think we made it pretty clear you couldn't do that. Besides clearly, Regina was right. You're Cora's lap dog! She's your benefactor now, what the hell, Em?"

"Hey! Cora is way more into that than I am. I don't need a freaking benefactor. I don't want one! I get plenty of work on my own but if I tell her to take a hike then she calls me ungrateful and I lose my Lyric audition."

"So clearly knowing that...you were aware she wasn't trustworthy and you still went ahead with it."

"Yes, I know now that she isn't trustworthy but no, at the time I didn't. I thought she was just some misunderstood Stepford mother who couldn't show her daughter she loved her, so instead was a jerk all of the time in some weird type of reverse psychology. I thought she was trying to do right by Regina. I don't know, it was stupid and idealistic but it should have been forgivable. You're so damn angry on her behalf but the thing is two of us got screwed, Henry and I. This could have been a three-second conversation that looked something like hey get this implant – no, my mom is a bitch and I don't want the implant. Oh, okay, I love you – I love you too. The end."

"I don't think you get to decide what Regina should forgive."

"I know that, of course, I know that."

"You know, you just don't get it!" Ruby cried in defense of her friend, "She literally is morally opposed to the damn implant, can't you see that? She thinks that just because someone is deaf it doesn't mean they need to be changed. Of course, if they want the implant then that's their choice and that's fine but no one, I mean no one, should be forced into getting it just so other people feel like they are normal and I completely agree with her."

"Ruby, I get it! I do! My point is more along the lines of maybe you should stop treating me as though I'm the worst person in the world. I made a mistake, yes, but she assumed she knew my intentions and my meaning and she way overreacted." Ruby pursed her lips but Emma could tell that Ruby couldn't argue so she softened her tone a little, "So. Can I ask the question yet? How is she?"

Ruby shrugged, avoiding eye contact, "She was a mess for a while but not as much of a mess as it seemed you were."

"Ouch, Red, thanks."

"Well, you're forgetting," she continued ignoring her "that Regina is very used to losing. Cora takes everything from her, if she can. I don't know if she means to but she does."

"I'm sure that's why she insisted that I take the Louisville audition if I wanted to take the Lyric one." Things like this had become abundantly clear over the past months.

"Probably." Ruby sat in silence for a few minutes thinking, "No one has ever really tried for Regina, you know? Tried to get to know her despite her disability, ever fought for her - even you, Emma."

"That's absolutely not true!"

"Oh come on, you barely signed. You know that's what the break up was mainly about, right? And I know that you knew a lot more than you let on, I saw you in our lessons but you never really took that extra step to show her that you were willing to meet her in the middle. Besides, you were leaving anyway. So she thought she was just expediting the process."

"I guess I sensed that she was just going to throw me away at the first real bump in the road. Just like everyone else always has." Emma ran her hands through her hair immediately feeling guilty for snapping at her friend, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bit, Red. I just – as much as Regina was hurt, I was also hurt. I keep saying this but I don't think you're getting it; she literally threw me in the trash. She never really let me explain what happened, she just saw red and threw me away. She literally didn't even let me speak as she was dumping me. This tornado of life crushing anger just kind of blew through and tossed me out the door. And while I suddenly have this fucking rep for never trying with her that isn't true. I made a mistake with Cora, I know, I let myself get under her thumb and I still haven't found a way out. But you know what; no one ever really tried with me either. No one has ever fought for me. No one besides Henry has ever loved me. You say that she is used to losing, the fact is that she didn't lose me. She got rid of me. I wasn't the one who didn't try, she was."

"But she was losing you. How can you throw away something that was already gone? You're leaving. She was going to lose you, plus she was going to lose Henry. Throwing a kid on top of it all just makes it so much worse. She loved him just as much as she loved you. As a matter of fact, why are you even still here?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Henry? Well, of course, she loved him. She painted the sunroom for him; I think she was going to ask you guys to move in."

"No, no, no," Emma waved her hand ignoring the kick in the gut Ruby's off-handed comment had landed, "what do you mean why am I still here?"

"Louisville. Doesn't it start soon? She made a comment the other day about how she's been waiting for your resignation but it hasn't come. I think she's starting to get pissed. It's kind of shitty of you to leave it until the last minute like this."

"Wait, Cora didn't tell you guys?"

"Tell us what?"

"I passed on the job months ago."

"What? You're kidding! Does Cora know that?"

"Of course she does! She's my benefactor." She let her face curl into a childish scowl as she said the last word. "God that woman drives me up the wall. Did you know I wasn't even going to take the Louisville audition? I had, like, no interest at all but Cora pretty much told me that I had no choice. I even all but told her it was Regina that made me want to stay where I was. I turned the job down months ago yet she still insists I'm going. She tells everyone! I almost lost my job because Mary heard I took it and started looking for a replacement to recommend to the board! She tells everyone I'm still going. She's up my ass always. She calls me every day. She even tells me what I should be practicing. It's like Regina never became a musician so she's substituting me in and trying to control me like she would have controlled Regina." Emma finished her tirade by letting her head fall onto her arms with a huff.

"That sounds like Cora. Though you better not let Regina find out that you're still seeing her mother."

"Funny. You're real funny, Lucas."

"You know what's fucked up?"

"What?"

"I've known Cora for a long time now and I've seen her with people she doesn't like. She's the total opposite."

"What, you mean she only does that shit if she likes you?"

Ruby shrugged, chewing on a fry but before she could answer their server reappeared at the table just in case their food wasn't exactly the way they liked it.

"I think she was hoping you would come after her," Ruby said after a pause, watching the server retreat. "You know as part of that no one has ever really fought for her thing."

"She threw me away," She said pointedly as if talking to someone incredibly slow. "Overreaction. Made a mistake."

Ruby shrugged, "that's just the vibe I got. I didn't say it was right or that it is even what she wanted. I just think she wanted to see if you would come after her."

"I did! I stalked her all of New Year's Eve."

"I know," Ruby smiled for the first time since they had sat down together, "she said you dipped her like Fred Astaire. She got all red and blushy when she told me."

"Not on purpose." Emma grinned, "It just kind of happened that way, wait what?"

Ruby just shrugged.

"Okay well, I call bullshit on her wanting me to fight. I did. I left it in her hands. She threw it away."

"God, stop saying that. I swear the two of you have your freaking break up mantras."

"Oh?" Emma studied a bird outside the window hoping at casual, "What's hers?"

Ruby groaned, "She never even tried. She's leaving anyway."

"God damn it, I did try! And I'm not fucking leaving! I have another year on my contract!"

Ruby shrugged blowing her off, "So you're not leaving huh?"

"No, I'm not leaving. Cora – has a huge mouth."

"Then can I see Henry?"

Emma debated it seriously; the vacant spot in Henry left by the absence of the two women was only just beginning to heal. What happened when Red dumped her again?

He loses things just as much as Regina or I do. Every move. Every break up of mine. Every new job he loses something whether it's a person or a place.

"Listen to my audition pieces?"

"Deal."

They walked to the El in silence, taking a seat on the train the moment they could board.

"Do you miss her?"

Emma laughed, letting her head fall against the window, "all day, every day. But I'm pissed. Honestly, I don't think I would take her back even if she asked me to. She did something unforgivable too, Red. She walked out on us. I can't – I couldn't take that twice."


Henry's face, when he saw Emma's companion, was priceless. Without a second thought, he flung his violin, which Emma had bought to replace the timepiece still living in the Mills mansion, onto the couch and threw himself on her. His little eyes squeezed closed in rapture as he hugged her tightly around the neck, "I missed you, Red, I missed you!"

He pulled back and looking behind her "Where's 'Gina?"

"She's not here, buddy," Emma said rubbing his back.

"Oh. Why?" His lip began trembling again, as it always did when he talked about Regina. The women exchanged guilty looks.

"But I am! I'm here!" Ruby cried trying to wipe away his sad face and hugged him again. He grinned and hugged her back.

She settled on the couch, Henry attached to her side. "So when is the audition?"

"Soon. Very fucking soon." was all she could get out of her suddenly sticky throat.

"You feel ready?"

"Depends on the day. I've been spending most of my time practicing. Cora has been forcing me to go to that stupid masseuse. Did I tell you that she had her show up at my apartment when I refused?"

"God that woman is a pain."

"Yeah but I have to say, I don't think there is such a thing as feeling ready but if were I would credit the masseuse."

She was halfway through her audition pieces when there was a loud knock on the front door.

"I'll get it!" Henry cried, launching himself at the door before Emma could protest, "It's August!"

August appeared in the living room with Henry plopped on his shoulders. "Well look who it is. It's the pretty little shot taker. Does this mean Regina's back?"

Emma shook her head, trying to ignore the battling emotions in her chest.

"All right, well how are you, pretty little shot taker?"

Ruby giggled.

Emma rolled her eyes.


It took three more lessons before Ruby was willing to go out for an evening of drinks with Emma and she was slightly suspicious that her finally giving in was more about August joining them than Ruby suddenly wanting to see Emma socially again.

"Regina would have my hide if she knew I was here."

"You're not allowed to spend time with me?"

"No, I don't think it's that. Regina just likes things –"

"Her way and she says I don't exist anymore."

"Right. You're getting better." Emma had taken to Regina's old trick, if words were coming out of her mouth, as halting and exhausting as it was; they were coming out of her hands too. It was humiliating when she made a mistake, which she did often, but she found that it wasn't actually as scary as she had thought it would be.

"Thanks. I still, I don't know, I can't get that rhythm that you have. I've been studying flashcards though trying to get all of the words down and Henry and I have been having no talk afternoons." Ruby's eyebrows arched and Emma just shrugged, "Good to have something to focus on that's not, you know, my life."

"You know if you had done all of this before you might still be with her."

Emma ignored her, not because she thought she was wrong but because the thought pissed her the hell off, not only in defense of herself but because she knew she was right. She had been scared to let loose and try. Perhaps she had been afraid if she was bad at the language she would lose the woman; plus it had been easy not to put herself out there with Regina's remarkable skill at getting by. Ironically she had lost her anyway.

"Oh, gee, I can guess what you two are talking about." August groaned as he slid into the booth, drinks for the table in hand.

"Sorry, we'll drop it." Emma huffed.

"No, no," August chuckled, "don't drop it, just do something about it, Ems."

Emma glared, "What would I do? Besides, I don't see her anymore. Ever."

Ruby chuckled to herself, "you will tomorrow."

"What?" her beer exploded out of one nostril and covered the table.

"Yeah, she has to go in for a meeting. Also," Ruby sipped her drink looking nervous, "I think she's meeting Robin there."