Summary: Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

Disclaimer: Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do. And since I own none of the major fast food joints, I had to come up with their Gaian equivalents. Now those I do own (I wish! I'd be a rich woman!)

Queen's Quornor: Requests! I'm loving all these requests! Really pumping the creative juices into my hungover muses! I'll need more, but for now here's another one to tide you all over (I'll get to your second one soon enough, Le Pecore Nere) from Jenova Remnant AKA Fishie: "what about Sephiroth and an odd obsession with explosions! Yeah! like make Reno's lunch blow up in his face or smething!" However, he/she failed to say if Seph was the one with the odd obsession…

Exploding Lunch

"Thank Shiva they actually dropped that stupid "no outside food" rule," Reno praised, setting his McDougal's bag next to Zack's Gongaga Fried Chocobo. "We can actually eat real food again!"

"Maybe it was because they found out exactly what was in the 'mystery meat' and 'special sauce,'" the black-haired SOLDEIR muttered around a piece of biscuit.

"Ugh. Don't even mention that incident," Sephiroth grumbled, removing a red-and-white container from his Wutai Master Chef bag. "I would like to eat my lo mein in peace, if you don't mind."

"Sure thing, General." The Turk unwrapped a double half-pounder and tore into it, cramming fries into his mouth at random intervals. Zack snorted, amused, and scooted a little further down the table, where his mashed potatoes and gravy wouldn't get flying pieces of bun in them. Sephiroth looked disgusted, and opened his container of fried octopus, expertly manipulating the chopsticks to get the much-favored seafood into his mouth.

The cafeteria had been converted into a mess hall, the kitchens having been shut down for an undetermined amount of time (ie, permanently). All around them, various Shinra workers, paper-pushers, scientists, and SOLDIERs were feasting on food they had had delivered from outside the company. There was Tseng in one corner, munching on Kalmish barbecued ribs with Rude. Heideggar was seated at the head of one long table, devouring a selection of soups and breads from Junon Bread Factory, and Palmer had one table all to himself across the room; a good thing it was, because the entire length of the table was covered with spicy tacos, nachos, churros, and other foods from that new restaurant owned by that couple from Costa del Sol, Burrito Gong.

The place was really crowded today, as it had never been prior to the closing of the kitchen. Full of the sounds of people laughing, talking, arguing, and eating.

And soon, full of flying food.

The noise died abruptly, as every single occupant of the cafeteria stared at each other through the thick layer of edibles that coated their faces, along with their upper bodies. The room was filled with a single, unanimous thought:

What…the HELL…just happened?!

Their reply came from the entrance to the cafeteria in the form of snickering. Sephiroth lowered his chopsticks, unsheathed Masamune, and calmly walked over to the partially-closed double doors. He pulled open one of the doors, revealing Scarlet leaning against the wall with a hand-held detonator in her hand, laughing.

Her mirth stopped the moment she laid eyes on the too-calm General, and his furious followers.

"Scarlet, this obsession with explosives has gone too far," Sephiroth's smooth voice told her.

"Um, I can explain!" she pacified, beginning to inch away.

"Run," he suggested in a low tone.

She followed that suggestion and fled down the hall, followed closely by an enraged General, his second-in-command, a redhaired Turk, and the greater majority of Shinra Electrical Power Company's entire on-site workforce.

All of whom were, literally, wearing their lunch.