This story is totally pumping me up for more reasons to update, and I don't think I'm going to stop at this point. I've reached the niche where I'll go until it's over. Hope you enjoy the ride! :D Does this mean I'll get done before Christmas?! GASP MAYBE
And hey, wowza! Thanks MikariStar and ScipioPB for the reviews! It totally baffles me how fast you guys can review when I just post something. You sure are faster than me, no doubt!
This is the third and final update of the day. I'm bushed! Peace!
The Fool
Vaughn was staring at the red scarf he put on the coat rack over his jacket. It was steadily getting warmer now that April had arrived, but he still wore it. The whole thing with Denny's arrest blew over. The aquarium didn't fire him, he had Popper back without Lanna pursuing it further, and everything seemed to be alright again.
"Hey, man, what's happening this year?" Dan slapped him on the shoulder in passing, his pillow under one arm.
April Fools' Day. Right. Vaughn shrugged. "Still mulling it over. I'll let you know if you don't see it first."
"Awesome! Can't wait to see the look on Gill's face this year. Never disappoints," Dan chuckled, plopping down at his desk and getting ready to snooze.
Vaughn dropped the scarf and turned around. He ran straight into someone a head shorter than him.
"Yeesh, watch it!" Molly laughed, fixing her squashed bangs.
"Sorry!" He said at an unnecessarily loud decibel.
She smoothed his tie and smiled, wriggling out of her jacket and putting it on an empty hook next to his. "Hey, so today's a big day! Might be the last one…"
"Don't say that," he muttered. The Harvest Hobbies conundrum was a weighted subject, and Vaughn still hadn't found a way to get the best of Taylor.
"Right!" Molly nodded, more determined. She tossed her purse over her desk wall and followed it around to log into her computer. "So what's the plan this year? Usually, we do some sort of prep work, but you've been quiet about it. Is it a surprise?"
"No, I… actually…" Vaughn didn't want to admit he hadn't thought of a good prank for Gill this year. He wanted to keep that quiet title of prank king, but all of his time was sunk into Harvest Hobbies and being depressed about it. He didn't want to tell Molly that. "I decided not to do anything for a year. Let him be on his toes all day for nothing."
"Huh. Classic! Might just make him lose his top after all of the abuse he's suffered," she chuckled lightly.
"You know, speaking of which…" Vaughn turned. He peered past the file cabinets and found Gill's desk empty. "Where is he? Did he finally take today off?"
Molly wanted to admit it was a good idea on his part if he did. She shook her head. "Nah, he just went to get the mail again. You know how he's been obsessed with it."
"I'd wonder about that if I had the time," Vaughn said.
Molly smirked and started going through the messages left on her answering machine. Her white blouse had really fluffy, almost distracting shirt cuffs. Sort of like a fancy pirate. He wanted to tell her so, but it probably sounded less complimentary out loud. If he wanted her to notice anything, that is. Maybe this is a good time to ask her about Denny. And that text message. What was it with girls texting about him?!
"Hey," he began lamely, tugging at his collar.
Molly looked up owlishly, hand frozen over her phone. "Yeah?"
"I wanted to talk to you about something… When I picked up Denny from the police station."
She watched him writhe and wondered what on earth was making him so hot and bothered. Then she got distracted by the former adjective and sat with that on the brain for a few moments before realizing she was missing most of his blathering. Molly picked up her phone from its cradle, "Whoa, zoned out there. Sorry. The police station?"
"And Denny's phone; I picked up Denny's phone," Vaughn irritably repeated. He was half upset she wasn't listening, and half mortified he was making such a big deal out of nothing. Maybe she was just trying a new hairstyle, and she wanted to see if her friends noticed. Simple as that. God, he was making such a big deal out of nothing! He'd become such a narcissist since Alice and the company's superintendent had been throwing themselves at him… He's totally desensitized from anything real.
"You okay?" Molly asked, scrunching her nose in concern with her phone face down on her shoulder.
"Yeah, I just wanted to…" he trailed off, completely giving up on the subject. "You know, it's really nothing. I'm imagining things. Ignore me."
"Hey! You can't just leave me like that!" Molly whined as he turned his back on her. "Tell me what it was!"
"Ignore me!" He called.
"Morning, sir!" Rod saluted as Gill exited the elevator and walked by his desk. Rod had been especially brown-nosed with Gill since he let him come back, but he knew his limits this time around. He'd be all for the praises and compliments but never in excess or if Gill was in a bad mood.
He had his nose stuck in a series of envelopes fresh from the mailbox. Gill apparently appeared to be in a better mood than usual, though concentrated and single-minded, as he nodded to Rod in return with a greeting. "Yes, morning…"
"Anything interesting today?" Allen piped up as Gill passed his desk, singling out an envelope and staring at it in shock. "Or are you going to throw them and have a hissy fit when it doesn't come in again?"
Gill didn't hear him. He tucked the rest of the mail under his arm as he struggled to tear open the envelope. He dropped it as he pulled out the paperwork inside. His eyes skimmed it quickly.
"Oh, something interesting after all?" Allen prodded curiously.
And Gill went down faster than if he slipped on a banana. Everyone was looking to see what the thud was, and those nearest were eying him unsure of what to do.
"Gill!" Alice shrieked, leaping from her desk. Her chair went flying back and hit Louis' door. She stopped and kneeled down by his head. She propped him up as best she could and pressed her fingers to his neck. "Oh my God…"
"Is he… alive?" Rod asked.
"Should I call an ambulance? I'll totally call an ambulance," Louis feverishly held his fingers over his cell phone for 9-1-1. He hadn't forgotten being carted away himself not long ago.
"He… he just fainted!" Alice reported, slightly appalled she had appeared so concerned for the tizzy typical of a Southern belle. Still, she rubbed his wrists to get his circulation going.
"What is this?" Allen bent down by Alice and took the letter he had been reading from his limp hand. He wrinkled his nose as he read it, his face brightening considerably. "Aha! The culprit!"
"What is it?" Vaughn asked, now standing with more people who gathered to witness Gill passed out.
"You'll know – it's your handiwork!" Allen laughed.
Vaughn snatched the letter, and Molly peered over his shoulder to read it. Luke and Tina also tried to get a glimpse, but it was difficult to see in the cramped space.
Vaughn's eyes scanned the letter with growing horror. A picture was clipped to the bottom. Allen waved his hand at him in excitement. "Well? Don't leave them hanging – read it aloud!"
"Yeah, go on!" Molly agreed with a nudge.
Vaughn wasn't sure if his voice was working. He found it did, so he shakily read the introduction. "'Mr. Gill, We have the results you requested for the paternity test…' I don't know if I can do this."
"Wow, this sounds good!" Tina ogled, snapping a picture of Gill's limp form.
"Who'd he knock up?" Dan asked, leaning in to get a look, too. Alice was watching in a mixture of disbelief and building rage. She definitely knew she was not pregnant.
"It's… it's not that," Vaughn shook his head. He ran a hand through his hair and summed up the letter. "It's a paternity test for Gill. Who his father is. It's from a sperm bank…"
"Eeeeww!" Tina clapped her hands over her ears.
"Gross," Molly agreed. "But isn't that… private?"
"This was Vaughn's big April Fools' Day prank!" Allen announced, getting 'ooo's 'aah's and confused chuckles from the coworkers. "Go ahead and tell 'em!"
"This says his father is… Hamilton," Vaughn choked out.
Uproarious applause ensued. Luke and Tina were in tears, Louis was wiping off his smudged glasses from his own misty eyes, and Dan was on the floor rocking with his pillow. It would have been the ultimate prank had it not been for Vaughn's repeated phrase no one but Molly was close enough to hear – and she was gaping in genuine shock.
Finally, the laughter died down, and Vaughn's voice grew loud enough for everyone to hear him shout: "It's not a prank! I didn't write this!"
There was instant silence. Dan was the first to speak. "Dude, what?"
Vaughn kept shaking his head. He handed out the letter for them to see, noting the picture of a younger version of their boss paper clipped to the bottom corner. Lots of medical records and tests followed the initial cover letter. "This isn't fake. It's an official document with a seal from a real organization."
It was immediately snatched from his hands by Allen who wanted a second look, but Alice took it from him. Her face contorted as she skimmed through the documents attached, her own arms going limp. "Oh my God, it's not Vaughn's prank…"
At that moment, Hamilton burst from his office with handfuls of suspicious smelling eggs. "I've got some leftovers, so who wants some of my eggs?!"
"This is so ironic," Molly whispered. Vaughn only nodded.
Gill started to come around, slowly rising with a groan at hitting his head from his fall.
"So… Gill's father is Mr. Hamilton?" Luke asked.
Gill heard and went down again, resulting in another yelp from Alice who went to his aid.
The next day, Gill didn't come in. It was the first day he had missed. Ever. Gill didn't get sick, so he had no sick days, and he never took vacation. Though less strict, by far, the office felt hollow without him.
When Gill returned, not a word was spoken. Everyone was in a realm of pity or understanding for him. But mostly pity. They would just watch him as his dead eyes glossed over them, and he robotically went about his work. If ever Hamilton appeared, he would sink below his desk and remain there for over an hour, only coming out if Alice lured him with coffee.
"Hamilton doesn't know, right?" Molly asked, kicking her legs underneath her chair.
Vaughn shook his head, leaning against the end file cabinet. "No. And I think it's best kept that way."
There was no threat of being overheard even though they were grouped at Molly's desk up front. Gill was so out of it, he wouldn't have noticed if a torpedo blasted through his window. Unless Hamilton was riding it, of course.
"Poor kid," Allen sighed, leaning his palm into his chin where he was propped up on the counter, his ankles crossed. No one mentioned how Allen had been antagonizing him relentlessly since Rod's one day suspension. "Look at him over there. I'm glad at least Alice can get through to him."
They watched as she brought him some more coffee, only getting a trite nod in response before she shrugged and left.
"Hamilton was a donor… can't say it surprises me," Vaughn shuddered.
"But what woman would pick Hamilton?!" Allen asked, flabbergasted at the thought.
"Maybe he has some good genes we don't know about," Molly suggested, her stomach turning. "Like all recessive ones. I mean… Gill certainly turned out nothing like him."
Vaughn nodded at her point in agreement. "I would've never guessed."
"Not in a million years…" Allen added dreamily, his thoughts trailing off with a sigh of pity.
Molly clipped her heels against the floor, sitting up straight. She bunched her skirt in her fists. "We need to do something!"
"Like what? Claim it was a prank after all?" Vaughn asked.
"Good idea!" Allen snapped his fingers, standing up at the idea. "It was all a prank!"
"That won't work – it's too late," Molly negated the plan, biting her nails. "Unless we were especially cruel people, we would've told him right after he fainted. That would have been it."
Though they had to agree, both Vaughn and Allen raised their brows at her. Molly looked between them like a tennis match. "What?"
"Especially cruel people?" Allen asked.
"What about the year we wrapped his car in saran wrap?" Vaughn provided. "In the rain?"
"Or when we wrote those smutty Valentines," Allen was starting to enjoy the reminisce. "And that time you guys convinced him he had chlamydia."
"And held his employee of the month trophy for ransom? And loaded his coffee with thumbtacks and paper clips? And stuffed his desk full of sandwiches?" Vaughn rattled off just the ones from recent memory.
"Right…" Molly had to sadly agree.
"We've been pulling stuff like this for years," Vaughn shoved his hands in his pockets. "What's one more? Even if it's especially cruel? You have to admit it would be worth it this time. We'd be doing something good."
"Yeah, except… his mom kind of confirmed it," Molly bit her lip.
"How do you know that?" Allen asked in surprise.
"She's on Facebook!" She chirped. Molly whipped out her phone to show them herself. "See, she posted it yesterday when Gill wasn't here. Here it is! 'Uh-oh! Gilly's met his father! #SpermBankProblems'"
"I'm not even going to ask how you found her and friended her and why…" Allen said, taking her phone to read it for himself. He agreed with the sentiment, handing it back to her. "But it appears we're officially screwed. It's realer than real."
"Then what now?" Vaughn asked.
"Hi, um, sorry for… totally creeping on your conversation there…" Louis popped up, making them all jump with a start. He fiddled with his glasses, looking down at his suede shoes. "But… maybe he could use a drink?"
"Lou, I suddenly ship us now, too!" Allen slipped his arm through Louis' and gave his hand a pat. The accountant blanched at the suggestion. "You little, idea man! What a great plan! We'll all go out again, just us guys! Drinks on us; as much as our Elric can stand."
He only got befuddled expressions. "What? You know, like Hohenheim? Just got a father out of the blue? And he's blond? No? Ingrates."
"That's a good idea as any though," Vaughn admitted. "But who's going to want to go?"
"Wish I could go, but I'm kind of a lightweight!" Molly laughed like this was news.
"You should see Gill," Vaughn smirked.
"Really?" She asked, wide-eyed.
"Tipsy from a sipsy!" Allen nodded with a dramatic arm over his head. He held a hand to his cheek and shouted over the room: "Hey, everybody! I think we can all agree to a guy's night down to Sully's! Drinks on us for our good buddy, Gill!"
"Hear, hear!" Dan toasted with an invisible glass. "I'm in!"
"Me, too!" Rod and Basil echoed each other. This outraged them both to start fighting like cats and dogs.
"Bar! Bar! B-A-R!" Luke danced out of his office.
At this final appearance, Allen smugly nodded to Vaughn. "And I think that answers that."
Vaughn nodded his head, and Allen looked to Gill who was still catatonic at his desk. Alice stood from her own and made the slow walk across the room with all eyes on her. She stooped down in front of him for a second before smacking him across the face. "Gill? Hon? Yeah, eyes focusing up here. The boys are taking you to Sully's. Get up."
"Now?" Louis asked, noting it was only noon.
Alice pulled Gill from his seat like he was a paraplegic. He slumped, but she managed to get him to his feet, and she started dressing him in his coat. She pushed him towards the boys where he stood like the scarecrow without a brain, blinking blankly at the people before him.
"He's all yours!" Alice said, freeing her hands of him. "Molly and I will make sure you all have super great cover stories, right, Molly?"
Molly caught her wink and smiled brightly. "Yeah! Of course! You guys go on ahead."
"We've got things covered," Tina proudly fist pumped. "Watch how three girls can totally run this office all alone!"
"Mostly since we have no business," Alice provided, a hand on her hip.
"Yeah, but still!" Tina was enthused.
"You girls sure?" Dan looked between them as the others scrambled to leave, jumping into their coats.
"It'll be fine," Molly nodded to Vaughn. She waved them off. "Go on!"
"Because we're totally leaving after you do and going for cocktails~," Alice hummed under her breath, getting a side five from Tina.
"Then we're going to Sully's," Vaughn announced.
"'Lieutenant Colonel!' Ha! Don't think I didn't google that shit – I know all about it."
"I'm sure you do," Vaughn gave him a reassuring pat on the back.
At first, Gill was still totally unresponsive, and it felt wrong to feed him alcohol. But soon enough, he loosened up, got tipsy, and finally started to come around. Of course, most of what he said were insults, and since Vaughn occupied the stool beside him, he was usually the brunt of these.
Sully's was totally empty but for the company of the Persuasive Paper's male staff. The room was unnaturally bright, as they were all used to the rusty yellow tones when they frequented the place. It being midday was the fault for this.
"A bit early for drinking, eh, boys?" Ol' Wallace asked, topping off Dan's tumbler.
"We've had a hard week, Wally," Allen shook his head.
"Yeah, Gill got a Dad!" Luke provided, making the blond wince.
"We're not here to talk about that," Allen reminded, slinging a protective arm around Gill from the other side of him. "We're here to support our good… nice… hm…"
Gill gave him a look that'd turn milk sour.
Allen finished with a chuckle. "Ah, well, he's one of us anyways! Top me off, Wally!"
"Maybe we can have another drinking game?" Louis suggested.
Just when most were agreeing to the prospect, Allen took a break from his guzzling and interrupted their enthusiasm. "That! Would not be for the best…"
"Then what else can we do?" Dan grumbled, getting bored with this listless group.
"If you don't want to play, Allen, you don't have to!" Rod vouched, getting his revenge when he couldn't play last time. "Here, I'll start us off. Who in the office—"
"A song!" Allen intervened again, slamming his hand down on the table. "Let's all sing a song! Wallace, is that jokebox working?"
"The jukebox works just fine," Wallace chortled.
Allen hopped up, dragging Rod along with him, the main instigator for the game. "Come on, lads, join us! Let's all pick something out – something Gill will like!"
Luke peered over the selection before excitedly pointing out a title. "Ooo! Ooo! Let's play this one! It's a country song. Sad people love country songs."
Louis eyed it warily. "Uh… not sure Toby Keith's 'Who's Your Daddy' is the best idea right now."
"This is… the worst," Gill mumbled at the table. Vaughn waited for him to continue, the only one left at the barstool with him. "You've harassed me, you've tortured me, you've made a complete idiot of me! And this is the worst prank by far… and it isn't even yours! It's some… disgusting joke of the universe… that that bumbling oaf is my father…"
"Hey, look on the bright side," Vaughn shrugged sarcastically, taking a swig of his whiskey. "You know who your father is."
"You don't?" Gill looked at him in question.
"I was… talking about a friend," Vaughn said, thinking of Molly. "But my own father left me after my mother died. And hey, at least you seem to have a pretty nice one of those."
"That's… true…" Gill admitted, holding his glass with two hands. He stared into the caramel colored bottom. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"Sorry your father's Hamilton," Vaughn laughed. Gill managed a rueful smile.
"Ooo, can we play this one? I wanna hear this one; it's Irish!" Rod bounced in front of the machine.
"Ah, that is a good one! Basil, gimme fifty cents," Allen held out his hand to the intern.
"B-but why me?" Basil asked glumly.
"Shake him down, lads."
"Alright, alright!" Basil dug in his pocket and handed him the change, muttering a few choice words including 'cheapskate' and 'Nazi.'
Allen's eyes gleefully lit up as he turned to the right page and pressed the button. Cheerful guitar twangs emitted from the speakers. Since it was so quiet, they had to make sure to sing ungodly above it.
"'I've been a wild rover for many's a year!'" The men chorused, swaying in time. Luckily, enough of them knew the lyrics of the ancient, folksy tune, and the rest were drunk enough to make up words for it. "'I've spent all me money on whiskey and beer!'"
Vaughn gave Gill another rough slap on the back. "Come on. We've all got weird shit to deal with. Now it feels like you're finally down on our level."
"Thanks…" Gill returned, halfway meaning it with sincerity.
Vaughn shoved him along, and Gill joined the group at the jukebox. Allen was immediately there to get him arm in arm to sing along. And at three in the afternoon, they were all thoroughly wasted.
Sitting with his head buzzing, thinking about fathers, Vaughn suddenly had an epiphany. He wondered why he didn't think of it before. There was a way. A slim chance, but a real one. And it centered on the man who he met in his youth. When his father dropped him off, and another man mentored him. Put him to work with livestock. When he realized his father wasn't coming back, and that man took him in. The same man who gave him the boots that were on his very feet.
Pulling out his cell phone, Vaughn scanned the blurry contacts and found the one he was looking for. He rubbed his eyes as the dial tone trilled on the other end.
"Yeah?"
"Taro!" Vaughn sighed in relief. It was good to hear the old man's voice again. "Look I've got a favor to ask of you… and it's a big one."
The guys finished the song and started it again since they liked it so much. Vaughn finished explaining after the fourth round of repetition. He waited, white-knuckled for an answer.
"Well…" Taro's seedy voice came through at long last. Humming and him-hawing around, he finally chuckled. Vaughn could just see the smirk now. "We'll see what we can do!"
